liona's journey

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by liona, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I did have sex yesterday and it was great, I don't know how good this was for my current journey, but I don't want to think of it as something bad. I think I should be careful but well, I really try to be, time and time again.
    I'm a little bit tired today, the morning was a little bit hectic but things did calm down since then. Did my yoga/meditation again. A full week now :)
    I'm proud of everything I managed to do this week.
    Retro Girl likes this.
  2. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Sunday was hard for me but I managed! When I felt the urges too strong I called someone just to have someone to talk to and distract me. It worked out well :)
    I'm going to have an eventful day today, so I'm not too worried that today will work out just fine :)
    I'm seeing my therapist today, sadly we're going to have a longer break after this session, because we're waiting for some paperwork. I hope I'll be able to manage good on my own.
    I'm hopeful :)
    Retro Girl and Freedom_lover like this.
  3. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    It's been a week now since I restarted NoFap and I'm really happy that I'm back on track again. It's hard most of the time, honestly but I try to distract myself with keeping busy. I drew more in the last few days than I did in those weeks before. I've been more productive in general and I've been able to keep my morning routine up so far. There is always this nagging fear that I will drift again, but I won't let those fears dominate my thoughts!
    I've noticed how the urges are stronger when I'm idling, browsing the internet, or playing video games. I wasn't aware of this before. It's still also pretty bad when I have to do something which doesn't feel great, but so far I've been able to work on those things anyway. It feels good to defeat the urges, time and time again.
    Hope this week will be as great as the last!
  4. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Congrats on making it to a week. Interesting observation about stronger urges during those particular activities. I find when doing something more engaging of my mind and creativity, and also practical things, the urges are less.

    All the best with your next week!
  5. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

    Hey liona, it sounds as if you are becoming self aware regards what activities are good for you, and which may cause some struggles. Stay busy, stay strong, draw often. Best of luck. You have our support.
  6. Tryinghardtoquit

    Tryinghardtoquit Fapstronaut

    Check out Headspace app for minfulness. Really worth a look. All the best.
  7. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Your absolutely right! I noticed this again today. I've been watching TV because I didn't feel the motivation to do anything - then I felt the urges coming up again which was somewhat like my signal to start the day already! I was able to do some workout and even though I really wasn't in the mood for it, it felt great and the urges where gone once I finished! Such a great feeling to trick yourself :)

    Thank you so much for your support!! It means a lot! Reading all those encouraging words really does help me a lot :)

    Headspace is great! I've been using it for months now on and off, but since my NoFap restart I try to use it every day and it really is great :) I feel it's sometimes hard to concentrate on meditation, but the calming voice of the narrator really helps :)
    Retro Girl likes this.
  8. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Didn't check in yesterday, my girlfriend didn't had to work so we had a somewhat lazy day ~ BUT we went for a jog/walk workout thing for an hour at 11am, so it wasn't just lazy time haha

    I feel somewhat sore every day from my new workout routine, I try to do small things, which I still can manage with my lurking depression but as I didn't work out much in those last few months, I do feel all my muscles now all the time :emoji_sweat_smile:
    Well there is no other way to fix this than to keep at it I guess.

    Urges come and go, I feel like I do have some kind of inner discussion now when I feel like they overwhelm me. I think I have to trick myself often, to get out of my negative loops. Sometimes I feel like there will never be a break, I'll always have to do something. But maybe that's not true, I don't know. When I try to enjoy some free time with video games or something I usually notice that my mood is getting worse, which frustrates me because I want to allow myself some mindless free time. I know reading is better than playing video games and everything, it's just so hard to let go of all the things I used to enjoy at some point in time... I'll keep observing this. Maybe it is better to let go of some stuff.

    I'm excited to engage in my day 10! So happy to see that I'm diving into double digits again!
    I know it's not about numbers, I know that numbers can be poisonous in this process, but I'm still happy to see the growing numbers :emoji_see_no_evil::emoji_two_hearts:

    Thank you all for your support! Hope everybody has a great day!
  9. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    Absolutely be happy! It's a tremendous achievement, and the hope is you continue building on it. I know your point about numbers, but truth be told my counter on multiple days was the difference between resetting and not. When all else failed I would look at my counter and think I can't possibly reset, not with this many days clean. The danger comes on multiple fronts. Mainly not realizing that recovery is a process, and a reset doesn't knock you back to the beginning. If you're 30 days clean and reset, you're in a much better place than you were on day 1. The other danger is allowing the intimidating challenge of getting back to a previous large number justify a return to the addiction cycle. It's all about the mindset really. A reset is a stumble, and picking yourself back up and continuing forward will reinforce the healing in your brain. Ideally we would never stumble, and that should be the primary goal, but if we do, it's all about continuing on and not looking back. You're doing awesome liona - keep it up!
    liona likes this.
  10. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you!! You are such a big inspiration for me! I'm so proud of you for making it to 100+ days! That's really incredible!
    And yes, it's so true with being at a better place. I've been discouraged when I lost my first 40 day streak, but I think I learned a lot during and after that time. I try to look at things differently and really watch my mind.
    daemonswithin likes this.
  11. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I'm a little bit restless again this morning. I started to drink more tea than I did before, that seems to help somewhat. I increased my yoga time from 10 to 12 minutes, eventually I want to be able to do 30 minutes every morning. The weight issues I encountered got somewhat under control. Things aren't perfect but I'm at least watching my calories again.
    Noticed today that the urges are much less of a problem when I don't lie in bed for too long. I need to take care of some paperwork today, clean the flat and maybe I'll be going to the city later. Enough things to do to keep me busy :)
  12. You both are completely right ! Remember the Gary Wilson's reboot book " Your Brain On Porn" these activities are connected centrally to reward system in our brain which has a neurotransmitter known as dopamine!! These activities raise the dopamine so much what you call the "high" when indulging in these activities!! From my experience, even eating junk food like pizza raises the dopamine which leaves me craving for more dopamine raising activities.. Once high amount of dopamine is released, it causes downregulation of dopamine receptors meaning receptors close because of high amount of dopamine release.. Its a feedback inhibition means when high amount of dopamine is released, it causes closure of more & more dopamine receptors to curb the release.. So we want more & more of those activities to feel the same "high" This explains why we dont get joy in simple things of life when we're raising our dopamine levels like crazy through various addictions be it PMO, gaming, drinking, smoking, gambling, junk food etc.. Good luck to both of you & God bless you! Congrats on crossing double digits Liona & congrats to you too on achieving 80 days RG :)
    liona and Freedom_lover like this.
  13. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I'm tired because I got home late, met some friends for pen&paper and it was really fun!
    Excited to still be on my NoFap run, now 12 days in. I tried to push my yoga routine yesterday and today a little bit, it was exhausting but I'm really proud. I don't think it's a coincidence that I feel as if I already have more energy for exercising. I felt absolutely horrible and worn down when I tried to do any kind of sport while I did PMO multiple times every day. I feel like I'm slowly slowly getting stronger.

    Food is still a problem. I think I'll try to do some batch cooking in the future. See how this might help me.
    Money is also tight right now, so it would really help if I wouldn't spend soo much money on junkfood I don't even need.

    I'm a little bit stressed because I'll have a coaching session on Monday that will take all day. I need to prepare some papers, which I procrastinated this week, or rather, I didn't think of them as this very important thing, now it's stressing me because I don't want to be totally unprepared tomorrow.

    Another thing that happened yesterday was that I should've received my new washing machine. The old one is broken for over a month now and I have to go to a washing salon regularly. I finally ordered a new one, and the delivery guy never arrived. I think there was some miscommunication. I try not to get too angry about this, but I have to say that I'm a little bit annoyed things didn't work out. Still not sure when I'll have time for another potential delivery, oh well.
    But I'm proud that meditation did help me to prepare for this moment of anger and frustration. My main thought was "Oh well, it sucks but I cannot change things right now" I called the delivery company and they said they will work things out. So I'm hoping for the best.

    Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, stay strong!
  14. liona

    liona Fapstronaut


    I was struggling this morning, the inner fight lasted for about 15 minutes until my weaker side won.
    I didn't feel any motivation for anything.
    I had a emotionally draining day yesterday, 7 hours surrounded by people, that's more than I usually have to endure. Maybe this is something that weakened me this morning. I don't know.
    It wasn't even really good...
    I don't know if I should consider trying out hard mode for at least 30 days, but I'm afraid of the challenge. Afraid of how this might infect my relationship. Things are hard.
    I just want to get better.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. Hey first of all congrats on crossing double digits!! You did a great job !! Just calm down, relax, it doesn't mean, you lost your progress.. Do not binge though.. Tomorrow is a new day, start over again :) You can do this!! If your partner is understanding, then you wanna try it out.. But nofap promotes healthy S life & not unhealthy PM.. You can completely abstain from PM & continue your journey improving daily!! Cheers & good luck !! :)
    Elias Smith likes this.
  16. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

    You are getting better. PMO only once in 13 days. I'd say that's better.

    Stay strong .Think of your SO. Every minute not wasted on PM is a minute toward building your relationship with her.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    thank you guys! I really appreciate all your help :)
    I'm ready for this new run, my copy of "Your Brain on Porn" finally arrived yesterday, so I have something to educate myself.
    Yesterday was just a bad day, those will come in the future and I hope I will be prepared when those urges strike again!
    Elias Smith and Deleted Account like this.
  18. Congrats on getting back up & completing 2 days !! :) How are you feeling now? I'm glad your book got delivered.
  19. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much! :) It feels completely unbearable at times but that's always harsh when you had a relapse I guess. I had some meh-days now, where I didn't do my morning routine, no yoga, no meditation, and my mood was really bad. Now I was thinking of this as the "chicken and egg" thing. I don't know if my mood became worse when I didn't do my routine or if I didn't do my routine because my mood was so bad. I should stick to my routine no matter what, if anything I believe that it helps me to keep things stable, which is really important. I had some bigger events this week that made it harder for me to stick to my stuff, but yeah, things will always be happening. I have to prepare myself for those times when I feel like I'm losing control. So I have to come back, write into my journal, do my routine, and hope that I will get stronger and things will work out :)

    I really really do appreciate all the support I get on here! It helps to feel like I'm not alone and I really feel like you guys care about me and my journey. Thank you for every like and encouraging post, you guys are the best :emoji_purple_heart:
  20. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Things are okay, I'm a little bit tired and often times I just feel overwhelmed. This journey isn't easy most of the time.
    Trying to get my rhythm back, chasing something that slips away easily... I felt the temptation many times today, so far I've been stronger. Almost another week in.
    Have some relationship issues right now. I think we both are on edge somehow. I have to be more patient, with her, with myself, with everything.
    Today is one of those days where I just want to sleep, but yeah, I've got up and I'll try and try to make this day something good. Really don't want to leave the house but maybe I'll do this later.
    I had my first convention as an artist this weekend. It was okay, but the rejection from those which weren't interested in my art somehow hit me harder than those who actually bought something from me. Maybe that's just the depression, hitting me with the bad memories instead of the good things, I don't know. I felt empty yesterday. All the stress beforehand, now the convention is over, there won't be another one for the rest of the year, not for me at least. It's exhausting, not knowing what to do, questioning every step. I want to feel some closure with my journey. I feel lost.

Share This Page