liona's journey

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by liona, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    day 5

    last few days were really great, I had a lot to do and went away for the weekend with my girlfriend. So I got enough distraction in all areas. Being home alone for the next days will be a new challenge. My latest streaks were all between 3-4 days, so beating this day will already feel like a small achievement...

    I've been addicted to masturbation before I knew what it was. I was literally too young to know what I was doing, but I realized pretty early that I couldn't stop, and it made things hard early on in my life... it often lead to me having trouble to focus on tasks, especially when I was home alone.
    I guess things got worse once I discovered porn and added that to my problems.

    When I was 19 I got together with my current girlfriend, we've been together for 13 years now. She knows about my struggles, she is supportive but she also doesn't really understand my struggles. When we first got together PMO wasn't a problem, really.
    Things got worse again when I started Uni five years ago. All the stress and pressure made things difficult and I watched porn sometimes 6-8 times a day, I don't even remember. I only know that I felt exhausted and tired all the time. Procrastinating from every exam this way, I eventually got horny just looking at math homework, it was really messed up. I lost control over many things, I only ate crap, didn't exercise at all, lost interest in all my hobbies, had trouble to concentrate on anything really... back then I had a fellow student, a guy, with whom I openly talked about porn, I thought it was "normal" to use it that much, because he did too. Looking back now I think he was as lost as I was back then.

    I don't know when I first discovered NoFap, it just made so much sense to me. I think I may have seen some youtube video about the whole "what porn does to your brain" thing. I knew I had to stop, and ever since then I try, I really do.

    I once had a great streak of 40+ days, it felt so easy, too easy honestly. When I had my relapse I felt worthless. I tried to read things about addictions, tried to use an app to help me but I felt mentally weak. Unable to get back on my road, back to this long streak, dragging myself through 3-4 days, and relapsing again, not feeling as if things got better. In one book I got to the part where the author writes about the importance of community, exchanging your stories, listening to others. So I got here. It's already pretty empowering to see people who got far, who struggled to similar things.

    I'm excited to see how far I can go, to see me getting my life back on track.
    Here I am embracing my day 5 and hoping for the best ~
  2. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    You're on your way, liona. You've accomplished a great first step in coming here looking for support. Getting through these 1st few days can be very challenging, but push through and as you've already experienced, it will be worth it. Unfortunately, porn is so widely used and abused, that the abnormalcy of it isn't as widely accepted, but I think progress is being made on that end. So many abuse it or incorporate it into their normal lives, and so many can't figure out why they experience the problems they do. Part of it is porn is such an amazing escape that it's difficult to make the connection that it's so harmful. I read an article yesterday that mentioned pot and how it was far less potent and strong during the hippie culture of the 60s. As a result it's far more dangerous today than it ever was, but people still think it's as harmless as it was 40 years ago. The same is true with porn. It's widespread availability that came about with high speed internet has created epidemics across the world that humanity is barely coming to grips with.

    This is a journey not a streak. Stumbles and setbacks are common, but they aren't a serious measure of progress. I once smoked regularly, and when I turned 30 I just decided to quit, and I didn't have another cigarette until about 3 years ago, and it was the worst tasting, nastiest thing. But I haven't had one since and I won't. Point is, I had a "reset" if you will, but it didn't erase the years I had quit previously. It only would have had I continued. I say this not to condone resets, but only to eliminate any idea that a reset is the end of the line. It's my hope for you, me and everyone else that we quit for good and never turn back!
  3. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Nice to see you there. Wish all the best for you and your gf :)
  4. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    What you say about the journey is really true. I get obsessed about streaks and everything easily, this is also a problem with my workout, once I miss some days I start to obsess about those missed days, instead of validating those days I did work out. Poisonous thinking... but I'm slowly getting there and reading your thoughts really helps getting things into perspective. I should already be proud that I didn't relapse that often, and if I did those days were seldom as wasted as those days before I "woke up". The journey can feel hard but I'm really glad I came here, even if I don't post that often, I appreciate every reply and comment I get :)

    Thank you so much! All the best for you too! :)
  5. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Almost a week without PMO now. I feel incredible about that. Happy because I managed to distract myself from upcoming temptations, and there were many,...
    I had to go to some employment office this week and to my old company yesterday. Two things that really did stress me out but I managed, somehow, to stay clean. I gave myself a small break, watched some videos on youtube and Netflix and even though the days weren't as productive as I'd liked them to be, it was okay. It's okay to take breaks. I'd prefer to read something instead of just streaming all the time, but I'm not really there yet, and I cannot go all the steps at once.
    I went for a walk yesterday morning and repeated that today, it really improved my mood in the morning strongly. I did some yoga after that, even though I already felt a little bit exhausted, but it worked.
    I'm planning on drawing today, and I'm meeting my best friend later today, so I'm optimistic for today. Things feel good :>
  6. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    day 9 is almost over and I'm utterly horny all the time, it's exhausting
    I think I had a wet dream, I don't really remember much though.
    good thing is that I'm busy next week, not even spending much time at home at all... it could help me get through this patch...
    I'm also a little bit disheartened right now, because I read some random article about how NoFap doesn't change anything scientifically speaking, which might be true but also I'm aware that many things aren't that well documented... and I hate how they say "you can fap or not it doesn't change anything" while it simply isn't true... when I use P or M I just waste all my days. I hate how some people sit there going on about how we are stupid for depriving us of those "needs" when it's a fact that I'm more productive when I'm staying clear of that stuff. In the past I also noticed how my sex life really got better when I didn't PM for some time.
    I know there will always be ignorant people around, it's just really exhausting sometimes, especially when I have some long history of believing things random people say. I try to stay clear of those negative people, those articles that don't serve me...
    I'm really tired now, going to sleep ~~
    charlie78, Freedom_lover and Maltheal like this.
  7. Maltheal

    Maltheal Fapstronaut

    I believe those articles were made to disheartened the nofap community and it’s aim is to keep you unproductive and waste your time
    And I also believe that nofap changes us psychologically. Nofap helps you connect with like minded people. People who understand you and understand the struggle because they’ve been there before. Also people who care and try to help as much as they could actually this community is packed with amazing people.
    And for me I believe an approach about addiction saying “the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection”
    And honestly I see this as the best explanation for the addiction because when you’re having a deep connection with people you hardly think of your addictions. When you’re surrounded with the people you love and the people who loves you you don’t need that addiction it only hits you when you’re alone and bored or stressed.
    So from my point of view I’d recommend social gatherings, gyms, clubs and the community here try to connect with people and it’ll make stopping easier :)
    I hope I didn’t talk to much there :D
    I hope you the best in the upcoming days and for us all as well and when you need anything you are always welcomed :)
    charlie78, liona and daemonswithin like this.
  8. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much I really needed this! You're absolutely right, connection is so important. It is something I find myself struggling with pretty often. It really helps to be here and read the stories from other people. It's really powerful. I wish you all the best for your journey!
    Maltheal likes this.
  9. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Day 19

    I'm somewhat shocked to see that I am at day 19 again, those last days flew by so quickly, I attended a wedding, a few days later I've been on a festival with my girlfriend. It was amazing but I also had some darker moments and my depression hit when I least expected it. I have a dentist appointment later today, which is stressing me out. I'm realizing now that I wasted halve of the morning with youtube, just to not do those other things... I'm under a lot of pressure right now. I really want to just fap and not think about anything. But I'm looking at the piece of paper I pinned to my white board, where I'm tracking how far I've come and I really really don't want to break my streak, I don't want to fall back, I don't want to think "It doesn't matter", because it does. I know it does. I never feel better when I give up, those few minutes of "joy" for what? I always feel bad afterwards, or worse I continue my bad behaviour for the rest of the day. Wasting another day and then another week, like always.
    I'm also stressed because my girlfriend wants us to find another flat. We've been unhappy with our living situation for quite a long time, we didn't do something about it because the housing market is just crazy, there are not many flats achievable for us, now that I'm without a job it's not better in any way... I understand that she isn't able to handle this any longer, I think I could go on living in this flat for some more months, maybe years. But I don't know if I'm just hiding from opportunities, destroying any chance to make things better for us. I'm really good at finding the "but" in any idea. I guess I really would be stuck if I were alone.
    We visited a potential flat yesterday and she loved it. For me it was okay, but in the end I think it was perfect for her, not nearly good for me. The rooms were to small, the location really far away from anything. I don't want to change my "okay" living situation for something I consider rather bad, even though the walls and the floor looked nice. I don't want to be selfish, but I also think it's important that we both love our new home. We've been stuck in our current flat for 8 years now, and it was supposed to be something "temporarily". I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

    Well those are some things that are weighting me down today. I try to look out for the positive things to come. I try to not be too pessimistic about my future. Another hour and I have to go ~~ I hope I can make this day to something beautiful, no matter what.
  10. Maltheal

    Maltheal Fapstronaut

    You can and you will make this day a beautiful day
    You’re strong and you can power through this all
    And about the flat situation tell her your honest opinion about it. I believe she’ll appreciate your opinion and help. And then you can both search for something that better suits both of you
    liona and daemonswithin like this.
  11. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    You're exactly right. Those few minutes bring so much more in regret and guilt and all other negative crap that feeds addiction. You're doing really well, but don't fall into the trap of doing well just because of your streak. I've been struggling with that feeling as well. It's important to focus on positive habits that will fill the void that PMO leaves. If any of us gets stuck in the trap of simply abstaining from PMO, it's only a matter of time before that streak becomes insignificant. I've gone 27 days and 50+ days before relapsing, falling just short of the 30 and 60 benchmarks. The reason is because I was just white-knuckling my way through a streak, and after awhile it wouldn't matter if I was 29 days or 1 minute shy of 60 days, I was going to PMO no matter what.

    Stress can be a killer. I've tried meditation, prayer, going for walks, reading, video games, Netflix, anything and everything to distract myself knowing that the 1 thing that I truly crave is the 1 thing I can't do because it's a false cure. A lie. A deceptive evil. Whatever technique or habit you choose doesn't matter (as long as if it's healthy and positive). What matters is you choose one to replace the PMO. After awhile, streaks will slowly begin to change into something far more powerful and lasting - a lifestyle where PMO is not longer the primary temptation, and the desire to fap is a distant 2nd to much healthier habits.

    Keep up the good work liona!
    liona likes this.
  12. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    short check in ~
    relapsed the day before yesterday, everything came down on me and it was just too much to handle, though I really tried.
    on the bright side: managed to stay with M without the P, even though the urge definitely was there. And I was able to break the circle after two times, I got up and left the flat, bought some junk food, not a healthy decision, but at least it got me out of the bed... I'm really tired these days, it feels hard to get up and get going... therapy is working okay-ish for me right now,... but... well the "but"s are still mighty in everything I do, sadly.
    I have a meeting with a job-consultant today, really try to not let my negative thoughts win, though it's not easy for me to generate some positive stuff right now. I feel helpless, weak and shitty. I hate to whine, but I guess this is my journal so I can let it out sometimes. I want to do some yoga later when I come back. Have neglected that for the last few weeks. And I need to clean the flat, especially my table here.
    Another great thing is that our washing machine broke, I'm just happy I have a friend who lives nearby that offered me that I can wash our stuff at their house. I just have a massive load of stuff that needs to be washed, between everything that's going on and my depression I had a hard time to keep up with the household, now it's biting me in my butt again.
  13. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear of your relapse. I know these early stages can be difficult. Learn from what happened and keep going! What exactly triggered you, and what steps can you take to prevent it from happening again? You don't necessarily have to answer those questions here, but it's important to recognize where your weaknesses are so you strengthen those areas and move on to the next ones. Keep up the fight liona!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Back where I started ~
    things got a little bit out of hand, I felt overwhelmed in those last few weeks. I recently got back to consuming porn 3+ times per day, feeling exhausted, tired and I had some more troubles to concentrate. All those bad habits came back at me, I ate more, played more games etc. Partly destroyed my progress, but I try to tell myself that it's always a journey, I'm not back at zero, I've learned things. I do analyse my behaviour more than I did in the past. I think about the things I'm doing. This is a small step, but as long as it's going forward...
    I'm disappointed in myself, but I try to not let that thinking win me over.
    I have some things to still get in order, my situation didn't change that much. We stopped looking for apartments for now, because it just was too stressful for me. I still have no job and no idea where I want to go. Well I do know that I want to be an artist, but there are some parts that block me from that path.
    I need to be productive, above all things, stop lying to myself. Stop to waste so much time...
    I spent 3 hours on my phone this morning, playing a game and watching TV while doing so. I was shocked to see how late it was when I finally stopped. This is more than just about NoFap but I'm pretty sure it's all connected and it all belongs to this journey.
    I will keep fighting.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
  15. Hey Ms Liona, 1st of all welcome to the community, even though I'm late !! Just stumbled upon your journey, I apologize for the late welcome.. I would suggest you to read "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson, he explains the science behind any addiction be it alcohol, smoking, gaming, gambling, substance or even junk food, the struggles of nofap members & benefits of inculcating nofap as a lifestyle!! You can read through more in Women in reboot to understand this addiction more.. You're right, all things are connected !! Cheers & good luck !! :) Don't hesitate to reach out, its a wonderful community!!
    liona and daemonswithin like this.
  16. daemonswithin

    daemonswithin Fapstronaut

    Glad to see you back. We all face this journey together and in the exact same way - one day at a time. So often we can get caught up in the larger challenge that we forget to address the mini-battles directly in front of us. I encourage you to do just that. Make small changes that over time will amount to a drastic recovery and a new lease on your life. @GokuTheWarrior gave you great advice. Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about your addiction and the triggers that lead to it. Come up with a battle plan and stick to it. The more you learn and the more battles you win, revise the plan and keep moving forward putting one foot in front of the other. A mantra that has helped me in the past and continues to help me is "Do the next right thing." That's far easier than the goal of staying clean for X number of days. It's the small choices we make that are the difference, and as you make the right choices over and over, it becomes a snowball effect and the momentum will carry you past your addiction cycle, past your milestones, and into a life you want to live that's free of addiction.

    I encourage you to journal here regularly, to adopt new habits that can replace porn, and to learn to love withdrawals. That last one seems counterintuitive, but I can assure you that with every victory over a trigger or a withdrawal symptom, you will experience little tastes of freedom, and every taste will feed the motivation to keep going in spite of whatever challenges are before you. Most importantly - you're not alone. There are so many on here that will support you and help lift you up when you feel on the verge of collapse. This is not an addiction that can be fought alone. I tried to do that very thing for so many years, and during that time my addiction escalated. You can do this, liona!
  17. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Sounds really interesting! I ordered the book :) I'm excited to read it! It's so true that knowledge helps with everything. I also struggle with depression, like many people on here I imagine, and I got so much better with reading books about it and slowly getting over my issues. And thank you for your support and the welcome! It means a lot!

    Thank you so much for everything! Your words are soo true. In the past I experienced it myself that positive actions attract more positive actions, it's an upward spiral as well as it can be a downward spiral. This realization also helped me a lot during my darker days recently. To just realize "this can be over", and it usually will be. I plan to include journaling on here into my morning routine, so I don't forget about this place and most importantly don't forget about my intentions! The support in this forum is so amazing and I'm glad that I came back to give it another try.

    I'm so proud that I managed to stay sober yesterday. It really wasn't easy at all. But instead on focusing on the whole day, I tried the smaller thing like and focused on just the moment.
    I made myself a plan to check in, just for myself, four times a day. This way I can be proud of myself when I managed to stay sober in the morning, midday, afternoon and evening. It feels good to give myself those small pats on the back! I feel much more at ease today. I know this isn't necessarily lasting for the day, or the next, but I enjoy it in the moment.
    I did some yoga in the morning for 10 minutes, and meditated for another 10 afterwards. Another small thing I'm proud of right now!
    I'm excited for today and everything I will manage to do!
    Hope you all are at a great place right now <3
  18. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    Yesterday went okay. After some shock as I learned that one of my best friends is likely to move away I felt really agitated and the urge was there. I was able to shower and go to the city instead. Got some things done and bought myself some new sweaters for winter. I don't want to compensate my stress and pressure with shopping, which is something that can happen. I really have to watch this too, but I am aware of all the small things that could potentially harm me in any way.
    I'm proud that I left the house instead of relapsing, especially now that I'm just 2 days in. I remember the first days can always be so incredibly hard because the routine of the abstinence isn't that strong in the beginning. It is hard later on too, but it's different somehow.
    I managed to do my Yoga and Meditation again, happy that I did it. I don't want to think about how I'm going to fall down again, but those thoughts are always there. When things are good there is this nasty voice that tells me "but they will get worse again, you will be lazy, you won't want to get up, you'll overeat, you're going to relapse". I acknowledge it, and keep going. The fighting makes things worse. Just one step at a time, like always. Moving forward.

    All the best to you all <3
  19. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I realize that I'm stuffing myself with too much food again. This is a problem but I still try to make NoFap my most important battle at the moment. Positive changes attract more positive changes, so I hope that I can change things slowly for the better. I'm incredible proud of myself that I managed to do my morning routine with yoga and meditation five times this week! I wasn't able to do that for a long time. My therapist will be proud haha
    I'm enjoying the journey right now, I want to see what tomorrow brings. Something small but it feels great as I had some trouble getting up last week. I still feel kind of agitated but it's ok.
    I'll be going on a walk again today, collect some books I ordered, sadly the "your brain on porn" book still has to be delivered. But I'm looking forward for more things to read and learn.
    The depression book I'm reading right now talks about meditation a lot, how much it helps different people. And I surely agree, I had forgotten how good it could feel in the past. But I feel this calmness and some kind of trust in myself.

    Getting stronger every day <3
  20. liona

    liona Fapstronaut

    I put my trust into meditation right now. I think it can help me in the long run, IF I keep at it every day. I believe it can change the brain and give me more power to resist my urges, whatever they may be. Mindfulness reminds me where I am when I fall back to my hectic behaviour. It happens often enough, I'm running through my flat as if I'm afraid that I miss something important on the computer. My need to connect to things that happen online is important to me, even if I sometimes realize that there isn't happening that much, really.

    I'm proud of myself for this week. I didn't had such a positive and productive week for a long time now. Last week I've been stuck in another cycle of masturbation and hating myself, pitying my situation. I then started to think about the upward spiral. Not always going straightly up but tipping down ever so slightly from time to time. But the general direction is still up. As long as I remind myself that it well get better as long as I stay mindful of my steps, everything will work out. It can take a while but I'm getting there.

    Yes I ate some candy today but now I'm drinking tea, instead of eating another piece that's still in the fridge. In the past I would've eaten just everything and then feel terrible again.
    And yes, I feel my urges, especially when I'm under stress, but I try to take a step back and search for things that can distract me or calm me down.
    I still spend time with video games, but not 6-10 hours every day. The number is shrinking constantly.

    I don't know how much I want to accomplish today, productivity wise, because it's the weekend and I don't want to burn out, especially now that I had a great week. I tend to overestimate the things I should do, I could do, then comes Monday and I'm a big mess again.
    So I try to take things slowly, while still get some stuff done I have on my ToDo list.

    I hope everybody has a great weekend! Stay strong <3
    Retro Girl likes this.

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