Like my mind sexuality is being ripped out.

So I post here sometimes. Never really Gotten anywhere with nofap wish I had. Make it a few days start thinking I am just fucked forever. I started out at a very young age with porn. Learned about edging very young also. Masturbated manytimes aday then. As I got older started watching all kinds of porn. What used to be just straight porn not trans, gay you name I have watched it. Sometimes I still can watch normal porn but its rare. I feel dead inside most of the time like I had something ripped out of my mind and just different kinds of porn placed it. And there is not way out. I honestly feel if I did not have family i would not really make an effort to care for myself anymore. Keep seeking new ways to get off. Gets to the point where I think about paying for sex or finding a stranger on the internet. Really dont want to go down that road cuz would feel there is not going back from that. The kinds of porn i have watch make me obsess on this stuff. All day never getting a break. Over and over telling me there is no end no going back. Never felt gay or anything like that still dont. But once again. Have watch and masturbated to everything. Takes more and more different things to get off. I remember the point it was trans porn was the new thing. Thats even getting boring now. I feel like i have killed off a part of me for ever changing me a part that i actaully liked. Now its gone. I am 26 living with parents not even able to function anymore. No job . Never had a girlfriend. Have intense anxiety which porn and masturbation might have been a treatment for it at some point. Its like i have a voice in my head forever attacking me.

 

Thing is feel trapped. I know i should not test. An mind i have had success in the passed. With not masturbating. Before I found places like this. But never for more then a week. Things felt normal for a time. Now I just really cant stop keep looking for more things different things. I get anxiety that even if I do stop will never help now. That I am closed off forever. Leads me to feeling just dead inside. Porn has given me cravings for different kinds of fetishes and porn. I get so lonely it makes me numb and sad. Go on sites to try and find something. If I have been edging I go places to look for other people. Desperate even. Fact is I already know I am not interested in men.When watching porn and masturbating i go fro anything now. I have used cam sites. So on. Its all about getting off. If this was right for me I would not feel like I have had something removed from me. I see people talk about porn like its no big deal they masturbate all the time. And I usually start thinking. Well maybe I am just lying and fucked in the head. Cause if its so easy for them and they dont escalate wtf is wrong with me. I am so frustrated with my self. Broke down today after all day of my mind going back and forth with this shit. Would see a cute girl on something. Mind would tell me you fucked your life up.You will never feel anything again or touch a girl cause of what you have done. Just go watch your fucked up porn. Start getting afraid of even if I get a girl one day . I wont be able to do anything for her. Cuz i only get hard to shit form porn. Or even feel anything. I am sure there are people here that have dealt with the same stuff. And maybe they can tell me they got better and there life changed. I feel so lost that I just cant see past the hour in front of me. I am rambling now. I dont feel comfortable as the person this is making me turn into. I am a weak fool. Things have just gotten so much worse in the past few years.

 

Thank Becominglions you I had the clarity once. I can get it again. Also figuring out how to make a doctors appointment maybe get help with anxiety issues i have had for my whole life. Sucks that in the moment its just feels impossible to stop and overcome.