Life after leaving - my journey after a relationship with a PA

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by CMarie102, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. If I think of it from that perspective (doing what's right for me) it helps to get over the second guessing and self doubt pretty quickly.
     
  2. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day 9:

    Skipped yesterday, as life's been busy with the kids and work, so that's a good thing. As soon as there's some alone time, though, there's just this... emptiness.

    I'm just going to say it in case anyone else with a similar story feels the same and wonders if it's normal...I actually miss this person. This liar, cheater, probable pedophile, porn addicted man. I don't understand it... it makes zero sense...but there it is. And maybe it's NOT normal, I have no idea. I hate that I miss him and can't figure out why I do. It doesn't feel normal.

    Maybe I miss the idea of him. Who he pretended to be. His positive attention, when he gave it. Not sure. Maybe I don't miss him at all. Maybe I just want him to attempt to contact me so I can turn him down. It's an ugly thought, but I'm a messy human. Certainly not perfect.

    I'm staying strong for my kids, so in that regard I have it easier than those without children, in a way. I could never and would never entangle my life with his in any way after what I found... for me, yes.... but mostly for them. They give me three HUGE reasons to stay away forever. I won't allow them to become statistics if I have a choice in the matter, and there's a choice here.

    How could I miss this person, then? This (possible) predator and (definite) constant liar and cheater? Maybe the answer is that I actually don't miss him at all. I just don't like this terrible, empty feeling of being alone. All the self help guidance out there says you have to love yourself first, become your own best friend... but how?

    Anyway, it's a journey and I realize this. It's easy to say "he's an awful person and I left him... never looking back!" It's not quite as easy to get through each day of the aftermath. It's a journey.

    And it's only day 9.
     
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  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Your boldness is inspiring. Keep writing.

    Missing someone you shared your life with makes sense. I like to think I’m the sum of my choices whether painful smart, or foolish. The time I spent with people is likely to be remembered when I’m gone.

    How would you eulogize your ex ?
     
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  4. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    How would I eulogize him? This question really moved me deeply. Because, I'd never say he was all bad, or was only his addiction, or his urges. I wrote this out... it was a very, very emotional exercise. (Are you a therapist, btw?)

    "There will be time for me later."

    It's what you always said when you were feeling ignored, under appreciated, unloved. It was your go-to phrase.

    And you really did feel that way, didn't you? That no one cared for you the way that you needed them to. That someday, someone would finally take care of you, save you, love you... the way you feel you've done for everyone else.

    You used to say that you wanted it to be me. You wanted to be able to relax in my arms, feeling understood, cared for, loved, saved. You wanted it to finally be YOUR time.

    Only, I couldn't do it.

    We all have flaws, and I know this, but I couldn't allow myself to love yours, or at least accept you in spite of them. I couldn't understand. I couldn't save you from whatever was hurting you. I couldn't save you from yourself. I'm sorry for that.

    The only person I could save was myself.

    "There will be time for me later."

    I wish it had all been different. I wish I had shown you more compassion, understanding, and love. I wish you had done the same for me.

    And I hope that some way, somehow, you finally feel at peace from whatever you felt you needed saving from. I hope you feel like it's finally your time.

    Whatever pain you were hiding from, running from, I hope it's gone now.

    From you, I learned that there's still good, even in the darkest of us. And I know...I KNOW... there was good in you. I think you were the one who most needed to see it.

    You never lacked in attention, care and love from everyone else, the way you always thought you did. The person you needed it from... was you.

    It was always your time, and you were always loved. You just couldn't see it.
     
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  5. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. That was deeply moving. I am a stranger who felt the gravitas and weight of having shared a room, a bed part of your life with his persona.

    To read the “monster-ball- like” qualities you describe, then to read the eulogized, broken romantic, wow. I mean romantic in the classical sense not the modern one. Filled with tragedy but with specks of optimism.

    I am not a therapist ; I struggle with empathy actually so you are my medicine of healing.

    I am learning to non-defensively listen thanks to you and other users here. My wife is a psychologist.... but gave up her practice to marry me (unfortunately). My mom still says I could have been a lawyer or a psychologist and I didn’t pick psychology lol.

    I encourage you to write more because your journal reads with such fear. I know you were not a PA, but fear is a large part of an addicts point of view. The enlarge fears to astronomical sizes in addiction .

    I don’t know if you have any religious affiliation but @King Og of Bashan shared this video today and I was so impressed by dr. Ted Roberts.
     
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  6. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, that was eye-opening... thank you.
    I suspect there's a lot of pain/shame in his past. I don't know what might've happened, or when, but it's something I've felt for a long time. He denies any abuse, so maybe it was more if a lack of attention/insecure attachment. Idk. Either way, it saddens me to know he'll have to fight this for a long time if he wants to change. More than that, I hope he decides that's what he wants. Based on our last conversation, he was perfectly fine with things as they were, even saying that he preferred porn to me because it was easy. It's just... what he does. It used to hurt me so much when he'd leave in the middle of an argument to pmo. It became the norm, so I became numb to it, but to him it was absolutely an escape and a coping mechanism. He used to say all I'd need to do was get down on my knees and pleasure him in the middle of an argument and he'd let me "win."

    Sigh.

    Thank you for your kindness and openness. I would never have guessed you struggled with empathy.
     
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  7. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow, thank you so much for the encouragement. I have learned a lot since joining this site two months ago. But the community has been the best part.

    Yes. Learning to live again with pain is a tough way to grow up.

    I see how much you have suffered and you have not become an emotional Rambo like some of the Other vocal SO’s. It’s a delicate balance to share one’s pain and accept another’s addiction but in here we are all shark bait—- bloody attributes and in the water.

    In trying to help others I have found lots of healing for myself. That’s why I’m here.

    If you were respectful to your ex, one day he will let you know how appreciative he is. You may even laugh about it one day.

    I have two good friends , both divorced and remarried. Today one of them (my attorney friend) is my wife’s best friend—- and we have a 4-person review of our marriage with my wife my dad and her every 3-4 weeks to see how I am growing. Her insight is always profound. And her husband checked out of his marriage similar to me 10 years ago.

    You never know how long it takes to Mature, but the catalysts that are great at growth: pain, stress, and kids.
     
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  8. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    It's not an easy thing to go through and my SO still to this day misses her Ex even though things went foul because of him she truly loved him and his actions destroyed her life but she still misses him. Maybe not so much now but early on for sure.

    I suspect it is the same with you, you truly loved him and even through what he did harmed and hurt you, you miss him. To me it's totally understandable and it shows you are a kind, caring person. Don't let this rule your life. Be who you are and enjoy life as much as you can.
     
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  9. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I think I really did love him. It's hard to reconcile that with... everything else, but such is life, I guess.

    On day 11, all I'm telling myself is that it's another day closer to the part where I'm through this and life gets brighter again. The kids are done with school for the summer, so we've all been excited about that. Life goes on. :)
     
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  10. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    2 weeks:

    Things are getting better.

    We've texted once during this time, but it was only to ask for a couple of my things back. Other than that very quick back and forth, it's been 100% no contact. He had a friend leave my stuff on my porch.

    Accepting and grieving the loss happens all at once sometimes, but then a memory will creep back in. I'll feel sad, acknowledge that I'll never have that again, with him, and have to grieve that particular piece of the loss again. The important thing is that I'm not getting stuck in the sadness, anger, emptiness, self blame nearly as much.

    I realized that I will miss very specific things about our relationship. I listed them all out, and I grieved each one, while telling myself to let each go. It actually doesn't do me much good to think that it was all a lie on his part, because I don't know his truth. Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe just parts. Maybe, to him, it was all true. I'll never know. I just accept what was true for me, what I loved about him, what I'll miss and the reasons why we can never be together again.

    Oddly enough, most of what I miss are physical things. His touch, being held by him, feeling his heart beat and breath as I cuddled with him. Touch-wise, both platonically and sexually, I've never felt such a strong connection. Knowing what I know about him now, I'm not sure what that says about me.

    I also admitted to myself that I really did love him. Who he is without all the other shit...I loved that guy. I've never held onto love for someone who did so much wrong like this, so it's a new thing for me. It's not even an "I want to be with him" kind of feeling (quite the opposite). It's an "I want to hug him, look into his eyes, tell him he's still good and loved and forgiven and please please go get help" feeling. Not an easy feeling, but a lot better than anger and hatred.

    I love myself and, especially, my children more, though. That's a good, easy feeling.

    At any rate, it's getting better. I can't wait to get to the one month mark. This relationship will probably weigh on me in some form or another for the rest of my life, but the further out I am, the clearer my vision seems to get.
     
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  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Wow you sound fantastic. You are very insightful and real...thank you for opening up and sharing this part of your journey. Grief is hard, but you are doing so many things to lighten the load. Good job
     
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  12. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you are doing great! Filled with compassion and understanding for him and for yourself. Good job "feeling the feelings". It's important. Best to you!
     
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  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey CMarie102....I’m going to be following you closely. It appears my PA is leaving today. It’s heartbreakingly sad and frustrating, but there’s nothing more I can do. He doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to save the relationship.
    Sending prayers your way...and it sounds like you are doing really well.
     
  14. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so, so sorry. :( How heart-breaking. There's much I want to say but I'm at work right now. The biggest thing is to allow yourself all the feelings... there will be a lot of them. Big hugs... you're not alone.
     
  15. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

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    Day...no idea... just over 2 weeks, lol:

    I still miss him and I still care and all that nonsense. That's going to take a long time to go away, so I just carry it around with me for now. It feels kind of like an uncomfortable, twisted sock that you can't wait to fix, but taking your shoe off isn't practical right now. In time, it'll be okay to sit down and take the damn thing off, lol. It's just not time yet.... haven't made it to wherever it is I'm going... and probably won't for a long time. But I'm okay with it.

    I'm growing accustomed to the lack of drama and stress, and I kind of like it. I prefer having to deal with my emotions and identity and issues... it's still not EASY, per se, but I'm starting to prefer it to the daily pain of being with the person I loved. It was so painful! Every damn day was exhausting! Why didn't I leave sooner? Because I loved him? Maybe. Because I was addicted to something in the relationship? Probably. I'm so glad I found what I did and didn't have the choice to stay anymore. I got off easy, though still not unscathed.

    This loneliness, though. Ugh...
     
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  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ya...the loneliness sucks...but loneliness for what? You’re sounding much more settled and forward thinking. Good job. Thank you for the video recommendation it was a great video. I watched it and will watch many more times.
    Have a great night/day ...where ever you are... :)
     

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