Let me break it down shortly..

Hello all,

I'll just wrap up the accumulation of practically a decade long problem and confusing relationship with porn that I've had since I was younger. It will be brief and chronological. I would love to see if any other New Yorkers or people from anywhere on here can relate to such a long term and complex dilemma...

I've always identified as sexually fluid (guys and girl) since I was younger, never wanted to label it, never felt like it made sense to or that I needed to.

Couldn't tell whether or not my family was accepting of what I was so accepting of because if a problem wasn't physical and probable it usually just went unspoken on. My family was always living their own lives.

I basically lived with my grandmother my whole life because my mother is a free spirit and provided for me but clearly had her own interest and life as her top priority most of the time. She got her own 1 bedroom apartment and I was under the care of my grandmother, who still worked and was often too busy or tired to speak to me.

One day, when I was about 10 or 11, she askes me to search a summer camp that I would want to go to on the computer and I mistyped the website and came across my first porn site.

I was engulfed of course because of the novelty at the time and being young and sexually curious. I continued to watch and discover porn in secret. Never having discussed what I was watching to my family or friends even.

Years go by and my grandmother gets a call from an old friend who she allows to stay in the living room of our apartment when I was about a freshman in highschool… he stayed there until I got my associates in college.

Throughout all that time I felt like porn was my only escape while being hostage in my own house (that isn't really my house in the first place), stuck in my room, not able to bring friends over at the time because the man's energy was so displeasing to ever one, the family began to split apart and we all felt like strangers living in a house hold. I would watch a video any chance that I could get.

It got to the point where my taste became less affected by "mainstream" porn sites, and I started searching for even more explicit material... so explicit that I was visited by homeland security to make sure people were safe in my home. We were. But I was endanger to myself clearly.

I was a bit traumatized by homeland security entering my house and searching it, so even though porn was clearly the cause of that I kept searching and watching to avoid the pain that I was going through and have some means of pleasure, especially since my family didn't even think it was a big deal that they came and never spoke to me about what I was doing or how I felt... that's how detached they are from each other and from life.

Years have gone by, im 21, still at home because it's cheaper, the man in the living room has been gone for a year now. Still new but it seems like it was a horrible nightmare that was a long time ago. I'm still struggling with porn, though my taste have regulated a bit, because I'm still not able to discuss any of my confusion and frustration with my emotionally detached family, who don't even understand the concept of their involvement or lack of that has lead me to where I am. Which isn't a horrible place but it's not live-able. Or maybe they do understand and it's impossible for them to admit it... their failure. Idk.

Well. That's what I'm dealing with and have been dealing with. I hope I can find help and healing and progress. I really need to come back to myself. I'm attractive, talented, and fearless but I can't get pass this pain for some reason. I want love and life. That's all.

You can call me Vincent.

 

I'm picking up rollerblading and I've been making an effort on hanging out with my friends much more. It's important and I love spending time with them.

Thank you for your support and advice! I'll keep it up!

 

Thank you so much!! I'm going to have the time to look through this stuff a bit later and i'll definitely make use of it! I appreciate it a lot