Left a PA, looking for support

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Dra’rashii, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,
    I hope it’s the right place to post. I come here seeking healing after leaving an almost 4 year relationship with a PA. I am already in therapy to work through my issues, however I feel that having an understanding community will be really helpful. I’d like to give back too.
    It’s been incredibly difficult for me, both thorough the relationship and now after the end. I believe I am grieving and struggling with bargaining. I also feel really guilty for leaving someone really vulnerable, on the other hand I reckongnise that I couldn’t give him acceptance that he wanted. We tried to set up clearer communication so that if he relapsed he would tell me about it. I really wanted to just be able to say “it’s ok, it’s good you’re telling me” to work on this shameful feeling he had. But when I went home (abroad), he messaged me after being a bit distant that he slipped, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so hurt I ended it right there and then. I am dealing with a physical illness that is unfortunately stress induced and I had no capacity for patience anymore. I think I’m doing us both a favour by leaving to be honest. I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions, sometimes I feel it was the right choice, sometimes I feel guilty. I really loved him and cared, and I recknogised he took first steps to recovery but in my view I was always the one who wanted it more. There is so much more to the story, but it will do for now.

    Thanks for reading so far! My question... to those who stayed: why did you stay? What was the communication like?

    To those who left: are you paranoid like me about finding a man that either doesn’t watch porn at all, or someone who isn’t addicted? Have you found such a person? Do they even exist?
     
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  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Glad you cared for yourself first.

    Your leaving him to take care of yourself tells him volumes about what he will need to do to have someone like you in the future and the cost of acting out. Priceless lesson for both of you actually.

    Therapy teaches so much. May you find peace and answers for your other questions shortly here.
     
  3. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. I had to put myself first for once, I felt drained because of supporting him (maybe too much).
    I literally got violently ill after a particularly stressful time, and I’m still recovering two months later! I don’t wanna imagine what it would be like if continued.
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yes, “…an understanding community…” helps tremendously. Additionally, “giving back” is very noble of you.

    I’m sure it has. And I am so sorry you have gone through this in much of your youthful adulthood. But better to stop it now, in it’s tracks. Ask anyone here that has any level of longevity in their relationships, and it gets much more difficult, much more complicated, as you get older and settle down with one another.

    You probably are. And you must go through the five states of grief in the grieving process. It’s part of the healing process you will go through.

    Don’t. I know that is easy for me to say, but don’t. He did this. You had nothing to do with this. This is all on him. You reap what you sow. This is what is called a very “natural consequence”.

    And unbeknownst to you, this was a boundary. An unwritten boundary as if it had to be written. But addicts need written boundaries, else they don’t take them seriously. You don’t need to feel bad about it, but I know you will.

    So you couldn’t do it anymore. You needn’t feel bad about it at all. But again, I know you will. You set a new boundary: “…I couldn’t do it anymore…”

    It has negatively affected your health and well being.

    Yes, you are.

    Yes, and that’s OK. They are yours to feel. Don’t apologize for any of them. You owe it to yourself to exercise those emotions. The right choice is only what you make of the choice. Your choice was the right choice.

    Not “…loved him…”, but “love him” as in present tense. You still do love him. You don’t go four years in a relationship, and suddenly quit loving him.

    And you also hit on something else. Your “gut instincts”, “women’s intuition”, “sixth sense”, or whatever you wish to call it told you that in spite of him taking the first steps to recover, you were “…the one who wanted it more…” That speaks volumes and speaks to where he is in his addiction recovery. You’re there. He’s not.

    OK, I’m on the other side of this, so I can only speak from that perspective albeit I do know what the other perspective is. When you know, beyond a reasonable doubt, he is “in it to win it”, has his heart, mind, and soul dedicated to healing it (not the relationship, but the disease), and he is committed to complete recovery to a state of total remission, then I’d say you probably have to question staying or leaving. Of course, that all depends on what you are ready, willing, and able to live with in the relationship. You have to buy into staying as much as he has to buy in to recovery. So, for the first part, I’d say, if you really love him, try to stay insofar as he yields to the requirements to become clean and healthy. And if he doesn’t, then it’s “goodbye. You obviously aren’t ready to fix it.”

    Ah, “communications”! What a tricky thing that is. 100% transparency. You haven’t even addressed lies and deceit, and I know it’s there, so when you’re ready, come on out and talk to us about it. Or VENT! This is the single largest act of betrayal in the relationship. I could talk about lying until the end of time. So, follow what you feel. Follow what you think. Individually, perceived acts of betrayal probably only look suspicious and questionable. Collectively, it puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.

    Well, you should be, and for two reasons.

    1. The chances you will stumble across a man this day in age with this, similar, or worse, is pretty high. Statistics show that current addictions outpace facilities for treatment by huge margins as a growing number of younger males need and seek treatment for SA/PA. For example, Pine Grove, in Hattiesburg, MS is currently building a brand new larger facility because they’ve outgrown their current one.

    2. You may not like to hear this, and it should be part of your therapeutic discussions, you are probably predisposed to attract one. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. I’m saying that for you to watch out for it. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, and especially the beautiful women in our lives that don’t deserve such a fate. We’ve cheated you out of years of happiness in your life. You are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit, and that’s what you need to remember and fall back on.

    When I said you’re probably doing him a favor, by letting him go, you’ve sent an extreme and powerful message. “I will not tolerate, I cannot tolerate, this type of behavior in our relationship”. Going forward, make it clear that this is a line that is uncrossable (my new word), and is grounds for immediate separation. You have lay down that bar and not cross it.

    If you have any further questions or comments, by all means, reach out.
     
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  5. Dra’rashii

    Dra’rashii New Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter thank you for taking the time to reply so thoroughly. You’re hitting the nail on the head with your comments really.

    I’m gonna talk with my therapist about this predisposition to attracting broken people, I sort of knew about it but am finally ready to work through it. I come from a family with a long history of addictions (alcohol, gambling, sex, probably other stuff I don’t even know about). My mom is the only one that doesn’t have an addiction and she got divorced when I was young, nonetheless there is a wound I need to heal. In me it manifests in unhealthy attachment and it’s my goal to finally speak about it.

    My ex on the other hand had a very sheltered upbringing in a religious family, from what I observed he was shamed for watching porn as a young person and never got over that. He escaped reality in various ways, from gaming being his main hobby, through porn, spending money he doesn’t have, weed and most recently psychedelics - he is even preaching online how they cure addictions and is big on legalisation. If only he knew he’s just replacing one escape from another. I’m coming to terms with that no one else can make him see it, just him on his own. He said that after leaving home for Uni he got depression and anxiety, well no wonder, adulting is hard if you can’t face reality.

    We talk online sometimes and it’s necessary for now - all my stuff is at his place abroad, I can’t go no contact until I pick it all up. I’m being more selective about how I talk to him, so it’s getting better.

    The lying and trust is a hard one to talk about as of now. He recently began to apologise for his actions but he made me feel like it’s my fault for not trusting him. If he was bending over backwards to gain that trust it would be an entirely different ball game. But he isn’t. He made me feel like trusting someone is a choice, even if their words don’t reflect their actions.
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    This is great that you recognize this. There is a lot to be said about families with a history of addiction. Addiction begets addiction. The good news is, it is behavioral. There are studies that lay claim to being genetically predisposed to becoming an addict. Studies were largely based on identical twins and fraternal twins growing up in the same household to best mimic clone test mediums. The problem is, it has no way to remove the "learned behavioral traits" by virtue of living in the same environment. Studies have, however, indicated that more identical twins have consistent results than do fraternal twins, so take that for what it is worth.
    A couple of things come to mind here. First, the "shaming" is most unfortunate. His family has no idea the amounts of damage they have inflicted on this young man. I'm so sorry to hear that every time I hear that. And preaching? That too is unfortunate. He spews his total ignorance across the internet in much the same way so many men immature in their recovery spew their ignorance on here. We long so much to feel validated that we speak because we have to say something as opposed to speaking because we have something to say. If you're paying attention, it's very easy to discern the difference. Perhaps you can entice him to come here and look around to get an idea how ridiculous his view of the world around him is. And here is a message for him. THEY DO NOT CURE ADDICTION!
    Exactly! I like the word "Adulting". It's something so many never grasp. I know I never did. You can't make him see it. You can only lead him to it where he has to open his eyes to see it. It's that proverbial "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". He has to recognize it. He has to want it. He has to own it. That's the only way it can ever work for him to appropriately address it and fix it.
    This is a big part of Boundaries, and you have to set them for your own protection and well being. Just proceed cautiously and handle it in a logistical methodical process. Be very business like in your endeavor to execute the separation. He will likely do everything in his power to convince you to stay. You're young. You have your life ahead of you. Take care of you.
    Yeah, that's "Gaslighting". I would definitely stop that in it's tracks. It isn't even worth the dignity of a response, let alone discussion. Just call him out on his bullshit. At the end of the day, that's exactly what it is.
    Yep! Words and actions have to align with one another. He's right ya know. "...trusting someone is a choice..." He has given you little cause to trust him, and you have made a choice not to. I'm surprised he couldn't see how his very own words wouldn't backfire on him. It's "You made a choice to lie to me and I made a choice not to trust it or you." And let's be clear. You can trust someone after maybe a couple of times. After that, it becomes a really big step to trust them beyond that anymore. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a fool".

    Last, you are a remarkable young woman. I'm proud of you for having the wherewithal to take a stand for all that you believe in. You are so wise beyond your years. You will recover. You will do well. You will be fine.
     
  7. yellowhouse19

    yellowhouse19 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Dra’rashii,
    Similar to you, i'm soon legally divorced.

    7years marriage and 3 young kids.

    Sometimes i wonder if i took the right decision. but rereading these books helps me to be stronger:

    Should i stay or should i leave

    and

    the verbally abusive relationship.

    you can read it for free at scribd (google it)
    30days trial.
     
  8. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I left. We were together 6 years, and his addiction broke my heart completely and living with it (he never admitted) was unbearable.
    Yes I am thinking that every man is a PA and lies if he denies.

    I have found new boyfriend, and it is really hard to trust him, he claims that he doesnt use porn and respects me so he won't and he has no need for that. Still I get bad days that I dont believe him, and I might get paranoid. I have been thinking going to therapy.
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Look young lady, I want you to ponder this:

    You can't judge another person by their intentions and yourself by your actions and vice versa. It doesn't work that way. Unless you have sufficient reason (i.e. you've put enough pieces of the puzzle together such that you can solve the puzzle), proceed cautiously as you have been hurt by previous betrayal. I get it. Give the man the benefit of a doubt unless/until you have sufficient evidence and reason not to. One person's betrayal of your trust does not in any way reflect another's.
     
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  10. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter I know that. But that is easier said than done. I mostly trust him, but when I get "the bad mood" I start analyzing and overthinking. I'm working very hard to stop thinking the worst, I want to trust and be happy with him more than anything else in the world.
    I'm afraid of the betrayal and that I have to live with it again that I feel I'm not sexually attractive to my man. Nothing hurts more than knowing that he only wants to fantasize of other "perfect" women and doesn't find me attractive.
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I want to address this in particular. You are attractive. I haven't even seen you, and I know you're attractive. Even if you don't believe it yourself, you're attractive. You're beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. Attraction isn't just physical either. If it were, we'd all be looking for that proverbial perfectly polished perfectly made up, perfectly manicured and made up female to satisfy our arousal template. The "perfect" woman only exists in magazines, pictures and videos, and pixels. They ARE the Stepford Wives that don't exist. And here's the kicker. you're not going to find a perfect man either. I know that is a shocker for many! LOL! But yeah, I get it. And I am so terribly sorry we did that to you. I truly am. Perhaps this book can help you with it enough for you to undertand how to deal with it:

    “The Betrayal Bond” by Dr. Patrick Carnes
    https://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bon...9597&sr=8-1&keywords=the+betrayal+bond+carnes

    I certainly hope this helps.
     

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