My heart is breaking for you right now and tears are running down my face because I have said these exact, anguished words to myself so many times. When I was feeling those things, people would tell me it wasn't true, but those reassurances were hollow to me. So I won't even try to give you a pep talk. Just know that you are not alone. I am sitting with you in spirit. Again - I have been exactly there. For me, I think it was because I have always been the kind of person who can evaluate a situation, make decisions about how to handle it, then execute - usually to great success. But an SOs life is filled with so much that is up-side-down and other actors who are deliberately trying to deceive us and complicated by the love we feel for those hurting us. It can make deciding "correctly" feel impossible, leading to the special hell of being in a place where there is no "good", no "satisfactory" solution and being unable to accept that this is the case. For me, that led to me getting stuck in an endless loop of evaluation and decision-making and grasping for control. Sadly, I have no advice for getting out of this state. For me it usually involved simply wearing myself out, emotionally and physically. Each person is different and no one has the answer to these questions. For me, it happened this way: (remember, descriptive - not prescriptive) One day when I was feeling stupid and weak and fed-up I just wandered into a field by my house and lay down on the ground. Tears just started coming and I did not try to stop them as I always had before. I was always trying to stop crying because it seemed like weakness. That day I just let them come. I kid you not - I went through more than a solid hour of body-shaking sobbing. When the tears finally stopped on their own, I lay there just not thinking about anything on purpose. Whenever I would begin my thought loops ("well, what if I do this or that?" ; "why am I so weak?" ; "How can I hurt him so that he can see what it feels like and decide to stop?" ; "This is intolerable." ; "I can't stand this", etc), I would consciously turn my mind away from those thoughts. I think my physically and emotionally depleted state somehow aided in me being able to do this. Instead I simply thought about the situation and focused on accepting it. I turned away any thoughts that suggested I could influence or change anything about it. Just acceptance. I lay there in a dreamy state doing this for about 2 more hours. And I can tell you that when I was ready to get up, I just knew it. I clearly knew everything. I knew the episode was over. I knew it was time to stand up and walk into the house. I knew I no longer loved my husband. I knew that I did not want to die and that if I continued the way I was going I surely would. I knew I had to stop breaking promises to myself. I knew I had to stop hurting myself with accusations of weakness and stupidity, when in actual fact, I was a smart, incredibly strong bulldog of a woman whose only sin was believing that by sheer force of will I could make my husband want to heal himself. Accepting that I could not, liberated me. Someday these feelings will turn into firm convictions and not simply expressions of frustration. Then you will be able to make a decision and act. I don't know when this will happen, but I pray it is soon.