Learning to let go of control

I had a soft relationship fall apart earlier this year. I lost a person who I valued in my life, because I couldn't halt my need to control. In all honesty, I hadn't connected with a woman like her before. She was intelligent, and not even that great looking - we started out as friends, so we discovered many things about each other before getting sexual after a few months.

Our "are we dating or not" situation became clear 5 months in, and I could've settled for being a friend, yet I blew up on her and revealed all my insecurities because I couldn't control her, and reacted with impatience too many times. I thought that by angrily sharing openly the things that I kept inside, I would feel better, when it had the opposite effect...

Throughout the course of this "relationship", I'm balancing study, quitting PMO, trying to stay creative and work as much as possible to pay bills.

Too many things on a man's plate can drive him crazy, especially when his ducks are not in a row. I started off the relationship in between jobs, and by the end of it, had two! I thought she was the answer to my problems in life.

I used Porn to get a quick fix, just like I have for the past 14 years at least, because I can control it. I can control what I watch, and keep on looking until I get my fix on the right visuals for the moment. I can watch things that I would never experience in real life, that blur the notion of a fetish to that of an impossible desire. Only now having breached my most intimate relationship thus far, do I truly understand what is at stake for my future. I must realise that I cannot control how another person reacts or feels.

I believe that because I have yet to fully breach sexual fulfillment in my life, I'm more inclined to treat women a certain way to get them to bed. I expect results when we do certain things, I expect to be respected, regardless of my behaviour, even if my actions were "nice" and "thoughtful".

I need to learn to let go, not to seek to control every part of a relationship, through in, through out and at the end of it. I now know that an intelligent woman is what I need, and that my blade has been sharpened as it was tested by one. If I have a relationship with an intelligent partner, control is the last thing I'll be able to exercise.

 

I need to integrate health and fitness back into my life, as I believe the chemicals released will help me focus on what's ahead rather than in the moment.