leading from transwoman porn fixation to sobriety - my rehab journal

well, im on day 3 of the nofap journey:
i do all i can to no touch my organ, only for peeing and showering..
try to convince myself each hour, that masturbation is not the right way for me,

had talk with other addicts about trans porn, its true i wasnt exposed to vids and pics the last 3 days, but even the textual descriptions are a danger for my progress.

a good friend from the forum told me that i shoudl remember that behind every "passable transgender female" there is a mentaly ill man who is in great pain, and me supporting that negative epression, is being part of the problem in a transgender mentaly ill man's life.

i try to remember that in my heart, because that beings regret and remorse in me.

actualy, i have deep atraction to real biological women, and i try to avoid even seen women dance on youtube, i block any video i can with my porn block software that i purchased.. it helps, i need to have the courage to give up on my password and let a trusted friend to make a secret password to the software so that i wont be able to cheat.

actualy, i have mainly straight porn addiction as well, but i talk about it less, because i know the transgender subject atracts more readers, the hetero stories are predictable and boring i assume, lol

 

a day with no fapping is the ideal day, we are already victorious because we dont fap today, i try to look at it like that

 

Fifth Day Of Nofap:
what can i say? the urges are there, but the smartest and most basic thing: is to never touch your penis.
unless its for peeing or cleaning in the shower.. i do my little research these days also about the damages porn does to the sex workers, and all of the sex working industry which is evil and we shouldnt be part of..
the morality aspect of it is what truely helps me to struggle, because it brings a deeper reason to do it,
A deeper reason to avoid Porn - because it hurts souls, living beings, flesh and blood like you and me.
A deeper reason to avoid Escorts - because it hurts souls, living beings, flesh and blood like you and me.

 

Alright, day 6, so proud of myself that i managed this far, realy there isn't ideal time to start, if inside you know its the right decision why wait ?

 

7 days completed:
positive things i can say,
- more friendly and calm
- more smiling
-more willing to do things like workout and exercises

im so amazed by my strong conviction and moral conduct, the morality to avoid filmed suffering aka porn..

 

alright, 10 days have passed:
im definitley more energetic and more thrilled to do workouts and fitness,
i do feel anger from time to time, i do feel the hard urges to cum, to fap, to f***
but luckily, i barely have erections which makes it easier, and i made my moral decisions and morality makes it better to resist too, and my porn block software helps tremendously..

 

day 11, im bringing myself out to social situation much much more.. that is good.

 

well, im not sure it goes away, maybe it mellows down..
i dont think its gonna cure my trans atraction, but my trans atraction didn't kill my women atraction,
and, honestly all my aim is just to not dabble with shady porn, masturbation and escorts and generaly not making my sexuality bring me to risk with the law..
i care less about sexual functionality and identity, so "is it hard?" and "am i gay?" questions are less concerning to me, than my inclanation to let the dick lead me to self compromising and risky situations.. realy, my mission is not to become that sex addict who goes to jail or blacklisted as that dirty pornographer/ etc..

 

Alright, Relapsed.. i restarted my day counter signature, yet its still stuck on number 14.. maybe later it will fix itself.

LESSONS LEARNED:

• Stay out of my room as much as possible, the moment i wake up and make my bed, thats it, i should do all i can to leave the room and do the things i need to do onwards.
• Keep My Pornblocking software ALWAYS ON + to let a trusted friend to create a new password and keep it to himself.
• Each time that i feel the urge, i should shift it to physical workout of some sort. even jsut a squat or just a pushup.
• Yeah, that one's obvious but to never touch my "member" and also to never flex my erection, even if its without hands, it will still make me extremly horny and from there to breaking point its just a matter of how soon.

ah.. its hard, but its all about keeping the fight on, im feeling upset to share my lose but i think it is important for me to accept it and be able to communicate it in some way then to
deny myself the loss.

My fear:
that something inside of me will stop taking it seriously and i will go back to telling myself "forget about its just natural, you're just making big deal out of it, everybody fap who cares?" and develope that kind of an attitude.

Positive thing i want to say to myself for this new round:
There is never a specific time which is "ideal" to start the nofap, the last round i didnt knew i would take it seriously to last 14 days, i just started to do it. therefore, the ideal time is - NOW.
Regret is not worth it, use the pain of regret to motivate yourself to learn from the mistakes and lift yourself up again, wiser and more focused and sober.

Good Luck To Myself For This New Round !

 

reminder to myself the 3 steps that i want to live by:

COMRADE, DONT FOOL AROUND

1. stop touching yourself, first and foremost.
2. stop scavanging for porn, its stronger than you and will lead you back to breaking rule (1)
3. be clear with yourself, what is your motivation to do nofap? always remember the motivation and goal you imagine to have. without clear motivation, you will easily go back to breaking rule (2) and from there immideatly breaking rule (1).