Last time trying nofap

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by DRKK, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I’ve started on June 1st.
    I said I’d go gym everyday but I just can’t be bothered. I don’t enjoy going anymore and I don’t really see the point if I’m gonna kill myself anyway.

    I used to be really into bodybuilding and gym but I haven’t been in the past couple months cos of depression. I’ve been the past 2 days. I haven’t lost that much weight but I’ve lost all my strength, and can’t be bothered to build it back up.

    I don’t even enjoy playing piano anymore. Which was the only other thing I do.

    I don’t work, so I need to do something to use my energy up so I don’t PMO.
    But I just don’t want to do anything
     
  2. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    I don't know you of course, this may be the first post of yours I've read but maybe it's naturally time where you focus on working with the mind rather than the body.

    One thing we do know is you are on here reading and writing posts, so it is to some extent using the mind and socially engaged. Depression along with addiction is serious especially with suicidal tedency, sometimes we do need to take it slower to work on healing that so I think you may very well be doing the right thing. In any case there are also off-topic stuff here, isolation is a big problem with any addiction .. and depression of course so I hope you stay connected.
     
    19conquer, mccormick and Red Dead like this.
  3. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    You're very harsh on yourself and that's the saddest part. What happened 2 months ago? Why did you stop going to the gym? Any particular trigger, any event in the past few months?

    The root of your depression goes much deeper, there's anger in your words and the anger is turned onto you. Anger is a secondary emotion, it always builds on another emotion, such as rejection, loss, fear etc. Were you rejected, are you afraid of failing?

    Addictions are learnt coping mechanisms. You do PMO because boredom brings up some pain from inside, and PMO soothes this pain. Not doing PMO brings up the loneliness, but that loneliness comes from something, a fear of not being good enough, fear of failing or other fears. What's behind the loneliness? Stay with it, feel the rage and the boredom for a few minutes, let the emotion pass through, don't push it down. Pushing it away, down will only make it bubble up again later.
     
    Kiz Whalifa and Red Dead like this.
  4. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I did end up going gym yesterday.
    2 months ago I decided 100% that I’ll kill myself this year maybe before September.
    And the reason I went gym was for vanity reasons. I wanted to look good, didn’t care about being healthy.
    But when I decided I’m gonna be gone forever. What’s the point of doing all that.
    So now I eat and do what I want. Spending all the money I’ve saved up.
    Cos you can’t take it with you
     
  5. Red Dead

    Red Dead Fapstronaut

    Live to the fullest- the slogan of the everyman.
     
  6. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Why did you decide two months ago to kill yourself? What’s behind such a rash decision? Rejection?

    Maybe spend some of your savings on three books:

    Lost Connections
    Running on Empty
    The boy who was raised as a dog

    Read them while taking a nice bath after your workout.
     
  7. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I went gym again today. I only went for 10 mins on the treadmill and then left. At least I left the house. I’m gonna try and go everyday for 30 days.
    Diet wise, I think I’ll just eat what I want. Life’s short... literally
    Well for me anyway
     
  8. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Depression and addiction are conditions, not permanent inherent traits. You can "kill" depression and addiction without killing yourself. I lost my dad to suicide when I was 2 so I know full well the aftermath that's left in the wake of suicide. I've also battled and resolved crippling suicidal depression myself, so I know what it's like to be in the painful mindstate that you're in right now @DRRK. I know how bad that anguish is and how it truly feels like it can't or won't ever end.

    Because I'd lost my dad to suicide, I knew since I was a little kid that if depression ever got really bad with me, that I'd wave a white flag and go see a doctor. Well, as I spiraled into alcohol, drug and porn/cybersex addiction I knew it was time or I was going to take my own life. I went to a regular doctor and got a referral for a therapist. I started going to therapy and my life has changed in ways I could have never imagined.

    One of the things that's helped tremendously is learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It has to do with the type of language we are using when we think and the impact that language has on the way we feel. For example, if you think to yourself, "Everyone in my school hates me," that sends a very distressing signal to your body and you will feel scared, isolated, perhaps even in danger, anxious and depressed. The truth is, probably not everyone in your school even knows who you are. And of the people who do know you, not everyone hates you. Most people are probably indifferent about you, as they are with most people. Some may actually hate you, and some probably think you're okay. So to tell yourself "Everyone in my school hates me" is a cognitive distortion. If you update that distortion to reflect actual reality, and instead tell yourself, "Some people in my school hate me, but some don't have an opinion about me or even know me yet" you don't send such a distressing signal to your body. If you tell yourself, "The people who don't know me yet are just going to hate me anyway," this is also a cognitive distortion because fortune telling and mind reading aren't actually possible. You don't know what anyone is going to feel about you in the future because you can't predict the future. There are many different types of cognitive distortions that cause painful depression and anxiety, and learning about them will help identify when you're using them in your life and causing yourself unnecessary depression or anxiety.

    There are other factors like trauma that can contribute to depression. This is also treatable. I would very very strongly suggest getting professional help and putting in the work to get yourself better. I am walking proof that it doesn't have to be a death sentence or a lifelong condition. Love you brother and I wish you the best in moving forward.
     
  9. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I’m starting to feel some urges. There not strong tho.
    I’m gonna go gym again today. Do some running to use up my energy so I don’t relapse.
    I just need to remember why I’m doing this. For her.
    So no bad thoughts and I need to stay strong. 4 days I’m doing good
     
  10. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

  11. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    A girl who’s all I ever want in life. I’ve done a post explaining all about her before, if you can find it.
     
  12. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I went gym again today.
    But I’m having urges from triggers that I see on YouTube.
    But I’m not gonna stop using YouTube because it helps me escape from my shitty life.
    I won’t relapse, I’m gonna stay strong.
     
  13. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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  14. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    You're addicted to her, you don't love her. Do you think she wants to have you as a cry around? Can you show to the world, indirectly to her, that you can rely on yourself? I doubt she would appreciate to have you as a responsibility, only because you are emotionally dependent on her being close to you.

    I've been there for the past months, a girl that's been a super close friend and now we're not speaking anymore, because she has issues and I was addicted to her emotionally; once she put distance, I felt my whole world collapsed and I went into depression, which led me to this website and to discover and read about emotions.

    I don't know how old you are, but you cannot say that there's absolutely no one else in this world that you could truly love. What you have is not love towards her as a human being, you have a need from your childhood of being appreciated and cared for; someone didn't take care of you properly. So the next step is not to dump your emotional immaturity on others, but rather find ways to fix this issue and become emotionally mature so that other people can feel that you can care for yourself and you don't depend on others.
     
  15. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I watched black mirror, and there was some triggering sex scenes that I couldn’t stop thinking about when I went to sleep last night and this morning.
    But I need to stay strong I’ve nearly done a week.
    When I have urges I stop myself by thinking of her, and telling myself I’m doing it for her.
     
  16. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    I’m having a lot of urges. From scenes I’ve seen on tv shows and from videos I’ve seen on YouTube.
    I need to remember why I’m doing this.
    Don’t give up. I’ll be at 7 days tomorrow. An whole week done. Then I only have to do another 23 days to complete my challenge. I can do this
     
  17. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    I believe you can. I believe in you.
     
  18. DRKK

    DRKK Fapstronaut

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    If I fap, my fantasies won’t become a reality.
     
    hormigonElaborado and Awedouble like this.

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