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Ladies would you marry your porn addict husband again if you could do it all over?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    I would not! We've been married almost 40 years, and I'm tired. Porn has been his mistress for most of our marriage. I don't want to be here anymore. I discovered something about myself today. I am codependent as hell! I was in love with love. I married him because I didn't think anyone else would ever want me. My parents made me feel like nothing. Now I feel that way because of my husband and his effin' porn habit. I thought he was doing better, but then I saw porn on his phone. He has relapsed and I am broken hearted. He's too damn old to keep playing these stupid childish boy games. Grow the fuck up man!
     
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  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for confirming that I made the right choice in ending my relationship. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. One think I learned in reading a lot and counseling is that many men particularly addicts need to experience their own pain in order to make a change. Women presume that their partners seeing them in pain or hurting should be enough to motivate them to change because if they saw their partner hurting they would want to make it stop. On average women are able to feel someone else's pain better than men and it actually hurts us. Men don't respond to words like we do so saying honey it upsets me when you do X although he hears it and sees you crying does little to nothing for him. You have to actually make him feel something that has nothing to do with you. That's why they often don't get it until the woman leaves them then they wake up, it's painful to them
    Now. Addicts amplify this. Most addicts have done everything they can to push pain down and so they can't even feel the pain themselves if they were in your situation. This was a huge realization that I came to. You can talk to these men until you are blue in the face but nothing changes and it's so frustrating! And it is emotionally immature and childish to behave that way.
     
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  3. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome. I was really angry yesterday, so sorry for the expletives. How sad is it that I had to put a porn blocker on his iPhone? He thanked me after I was done! I'm just like...really? o_O I'm just at my wits end. I've been reading and watching videos on codependency. It is so me! From this day forward, I'm going to worry about fixing me. I can't fix him. I've begged him to go to counseling. I've threatened to leave, but unfortunately I don't have anywhere to go. I don't work and we only have one car, so I'm stuck. That may change one day soon though.

    GG2002 I wish you all the best!
     
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  4. I read this thread and I feel so bad for so many ladies that are putting up with this. I'm the co-dependant one in my relationship and unfortunately I used P some, but mostly M to feel better. My wife is the strong one who controls the sex in our relationship. She isn't selfish, but I definitely want it more, and it means more to me. Half the time i watched porn it was for information more than anything. Trying to see if there was something I could do differently that would make her more interested in me sexually. We usually get together at least a couple times a week, so I can't complain, but the longer I have gone without M, the more I am interested in being a friend and connecting more in mind than body. I would marry her again of course because if the good qualities, but I would beat the snot out of my younger self and explain what my actions were going to do to my marriage unless I stopped. I'm not sure if she would marry me.....
     
  5. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Isn't it so difficult to be thrust into this world if betrayal? Is your partner willing to change? There is a book called "Breaking The Cycle" that might help him. It is by George Collins. It was difficult for me to read, but I see how beneficial it is for an addict. It discusses how juvinile porn use/objectification is as well as many other topics.
     
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Sadgirl Is that book good for understanding why the addict is emotionally not present in the relationship or why it might be hard?
     
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  7. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Yes. It is geared toward the addict, but it gave me a lot of insights. I found it emotionally difficult but worth it.
     
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  8. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    @Sadgirl thanks so much for the book recommendation. I will tell him about it. Last evening we watched one of the videos that was recommended by AnonymousAnna. He cried almost the entire time. Tears streamed down his face. My first instinct was to hug him, but I held back. He needed to hear the tough stuff. He needs to understand my side of this. This may have once and for all sunk into his thick head. He is so closed off. I can see he has so much he wants to say but is afraid. He said he would do anything to salvage what is left of our marriage. I told him I need him to take responsibility and be accountable for what he has done. We cannot keep sweeping this issue under the rug. We shall see what the future holds. For now I am going to concentrate on my recovery. I have always been one of those "fix it" wives. It's been our pattern for years. I always clean up the messes, but no one takes care of or supports me. I am codependent to the nth degree and to a certain degree, so is he. Time for us old farts to grow up. :p:D
     
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  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's VERY positive that he is willing to talk openly about it. A big reason my situation failed was that my ex would never allow me to bring up the subject. He wanted to sweep it under the rug and never discuss it again. I could never move forward because of this. It was never about my pain always about his.
     
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  10. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, no. And we just got married in June. But at the time, I was pregnant and he had been clean for 6 months. He's relapsed twice since. If I had known then that his little stretch of absinence would only last until after the wedding, I wouldn't have married him.

    I wish like crazy now that I hadn't. My mom warned me that this will all hurt much worse after we've stood up in front of all our friends and family and said I do. And it does. She was right. I wish I hadn't.
     
  11. I can imagine that such a betrayal feels awful.

    But I would speculate that he might have good chances to beat the addiction. Relapse after ~6 months is very common the first time around, as this is when a dangerous feeling of confidence settles in. A marriage is an event that causes a lot of stress, and stress is not something a recovering addict deals well with.

    So I understand your pain, but I think he might be on a very good path, especially compared to many of us (especially me)
     
  12. heartbrokenwife92

    heartbrokenwife92 Fapstronaut

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    Well, today, 3 months later, he relapsed again, he used my wifi hot spot to download 2 videos while I was in the bathroom.
    We just had our daughter days ago.

    So...I don't know. I mean that's pretty hard to swallow.
     
  13. I can imagine that that is the last thing you need in such times.

    But he does seem to be fighting hard with the addiction. I mean, 6 months, 3 months, these are quite good periods for a start. He should be able to quit completely, in my opinion.

    During his clean streaks, does he speak about how he feels, what he has discovered about himself? Do you talk to him about how you feel about all this? Is he also quitting masturbation (essential for overcoming the mess up that porn causes to the brain)? Is he thinking about joining this forum here so he can express his feelings to people who will understand only too well?
     
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this. We as SO really want to believe there will change. Often they are otherwise good men and great partners and it's those other qualities that keep ue staying and hoping. I understand that relapse is part of the recovery process but personally that many relapses in that short of period of time would be behind what I would be willing to tolerate. That's just me personally and that's why I left. And of course since addicts are stellar liars I suspect that the relapses are much more than he is telling you about. I am of the belief that whatever your addiction is you an addict for life you just are in recovery or not. You still always struggle. If he's relapsing that much he needs to remove the temptation completely. As I wrote above often times our pain alone is not enough to stop they have to feel their own and that's why many don't change until you are gone. We were unable to resolve his addiction and so I chose not to marry him but honestly I don't want to marry any type of addict in any stage of recovery now. Relapses counseling and mental health issues are just not things I want in my life and I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but far too often we ladies don't put ourselves first and we need to. You have the addict putting himself first and you putting him first and no one thinks of you. Only you can decide what you will tolerate but reading the countless stories on here of ladies married to men who continued to lie and relapses in their recovery I knew I did not want that to be me. I say to lots of the men on here if this situation were reversed would you stay? I think the answer is no but somehow we as women are looked down upon if we don't stick it out we are supposed to support our man. I think your man needs some tough love. I would suggest he get with an accountability partner on here one who's been in recovery for a long time and will not coddle him. Then you set boundaries. If he relapses again you do counseling together mandatory. If he relapses after that you are moving out and taking your child. As hard as that is that may be what it takes to get him on track! Please take care of yourself! Hugs!
     
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Just a thought I wonder if an SO treated the addict just as he treated you for say two weeks if the addict would gain perspective?
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @GG2002
    I feel like this is too important of a thread to be buried in the back of the SO section.
    It's helpful to alot of people.
    So I'm reviving it and also saying, Thank You for starting it.
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Damn, this thread/question has stumped me... reading all the responses, wowo just wow. I can't even figured out what my answer to this question would be right now...

    Me too...

    THAT right there, is my greatest fear, day to day. It's always in the back of my head, "will it happen again?"

    We do, and no amount of hoping... can really change their actions though. Sadly.
     
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  18. It’s so sad to say because I have 3 beautiful children that are my world. I would hate to think of my life without them. But just about me and him I wish I could go back and not get married. I have even told him that. It was the worst choice I made going into marriage with a porn addict. My life hasn’t been what it should or what I deserve because of this disgusting addiction.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  19. I hope he wants help just for himself and not because of losing me.... how would I know the difference?
     
  20. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    I am not married to my SO but i want to be. but i wish I'd never met him the last few days. he says he's stopped. i dont think iv ever believed him. but recently he deletes all his history from when I'm asleep and at work. like every day. he's so addicted to he's phone it's such a give away. and he still has DE and ED. sometimes i feel like im wrong i have a problem with this. why am i spying on him. then i remember he's the one whos dick doesn't work. i desperately want to have boring vanilla sex for like 2/5 mins and him organism just from sex. it doesn't matter that he offers to satisfy me and forfil certain fantasies i just want that so bad, ok not all the time but i just want it so bad. we have been having really great sex and a lot recently because iv always wanted sex more.then my body got a uti and i guess its really triggered me about loads of stuff . especially when he told me he wanted to have sex and he hadnt orgasmed for three days. well he last did when i was there a week ago. then without even saying anything he got really funny saying he can masturbate! while iv been in pain all weekend not being up for anything let alone sex.
    i feel like i dont want to have sex ever again with him unless he can just have sex normally.
    the worst of all this is its made me look at porn more. oh the f#$ing irony. i never really did before. after i guess accidently seeing something yesterday that has disturbed me to my core, so violent and degrading i never even knew it could be that bad. so gross.that poor women. i am determined to rid this nasty stuff from my life.
    the last time we spoke about it i told him i thought he was disgusting. i meant it. the hypocracy is not lost on me. i understand my motives. partly sexual frustration, crap place with work and i just wanted to understand the appeal and to make my own judgement on wheither porn is always objectifying and violent. desperate to see that a lot of porn really isn't that bad. symbolically porn is violent and degrading.
    don't really like this site but I'm so low last few days i dont know where else to turn. i compromised myself and my morals. i hate most people think porn is normal. its not. i just feel horrible. so back to the question no i wish id walked away a long time ago before it got serious
     

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