Kizd4AFool’s Journal 17 years of hell

Hello everyone. Hoping writing here will save what mental sanity I have left. This may be long and most likely contains triggers including rape, suicide, and porn (obviously).

Me: 37 years old. Parents divorced when I was young but I did well overall. Raped at 7 by an older boy and went through therapy (they told my mom they’d never seen someone so strong). Had a few high school relationships (normal stuff), lost my virginity at 16 to a long term boyfriend. Struggled with suicidal ideation, cutting, and a few suicide attempts teenage years (went through therapy and processed through that). Had a crazy, whirlwind relationship in my early 20s. Moved in with him and started noticing issues. He became abusive (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I left and moved back home before going to graduate school. My brother uncovered ex’s porn use on my computer (it was very extreme stuff). Moving along met my current husband (will call him H from now on) and was dating him and another guy casually while I healed from the shocking revelations. I made it clear to H when it got more serious that I hate porn, never have liked it, and felt it demeaned people (I always felt this way). He stated he never used porn and also hated it. First mistake was believing him.

H has his own story that I will never know the entire truth of...but he started when he was super young, hid it for years, and hasn’t been sober for any significant period of time. We’ve been married for 13 years, dated for almost 4 before becoming married. There have been so many D days I’ve lost count. We’ve been through therapy (couples, alone, and with a specialist in sex addiction), attended 12 step programs (alone and couples), and nothing has really changed. I sent this site to him years ago and he never joined but has now. He always tells me this is the last time...

This time really messed me up. We haven’t had sex in over a year (although he will tell you it was a month ago...still can’t figure that out). I knew deep down things were worsening but he kept denying anything was happening. He claimed it was low T (he has had low in the past and was treated with clomid as we did want children). He kept asking me if he should take clomid again and if our insurance would cover it. He claimed clomid would fix his ED...so he went to the doctor and his levels are NORMAL...everything is NORMAL. So I confronted him again and he admitted he’s been participating in worsening behavior in relation to PMO. He became delusional and stated he wanted clomid so we could have sex and have a baby...but we aren’t having sex and haven’t in so long it doesn’t make sense. He has PIED and AIED at this point. My sex drive has never been great but a year is a long time without anything and it’s driving me crazy. I love yet hate him. Want a sexual relationship but don’t. My needs haven’t been met in so long I don’t even remember what happened the last time. And honestly while I have sexual needs I’m so worried about rejection I am frozen in fear when things are going well and I’m actually interested. I would never be someone to cheat but I’ve actually considered it (of course he gave me his blessing).

Throughout our relationship he’s used me sexually and re-enacted things he’s seen online which caused sex gaps in our relationship. He’s asked me to do things during sex that he had been told were hard no’s during therapy. Sometimes I even gave in.

We have 4 adopted kids and just took in my nephew as well so I keep busy which makes it easier. Honestly, when he’s acting out he keeps to himself and leaves me alone which in some ways is nice. In other ways not so much. When he’s trying to be sober he acts like a jerk (blames me for his struggles in many ways and tears me apart emotionally and mentally).

Last night I cried myself to sleep because when I asked for space to process this latest D day (and accusations) he “punished”
me by refusing to come to bed (something that he knows is important to me). He pretends to be so nice and touchy in public and the demon comes out in private. He’s very good at playing the victim and it’s not like I can tell our friends what is going on (it’s embarrassing!).

I came here today because I became so numb last night I started to consider significant self harm (I even started to dig my fingernails into my legs and cause pain). I’m most likely headed toward divorce but there’s so much shame associated with this...and he appears like the perfect husband. If only they knew . He’s never put his full effort into getting better...but every time starts out strong. When is enough enough? I’ve invested 17 years in a lie...

 

I cannot handle the robotic intimacy...or trying to be intimate. He fell so far and lied so long this is the worst it’s ever been. I feel so numb inside most of the time, my head feels fuzzy, and my ears feel clogged (like an infection but I’m not sick). I have no energy.

 

Anyone have resources to help their addict see how hurt they are? He has no empathy...he does not understand. He knows his behavior is wrong but he does not quite understand why I’m so hurt by it. It has been 17 years...

 

Thank you. I will see if he’s interested. I read your journal today and my heart broke for you. I worry I will be in the same place in a few more years.

 

Things are looking a little better over here. SO has been in and out of many groups, therapists, etc so knows what he needs to do and seems to be committed to it. We shall also work on rebuilding our relationship which thankfully has a strong base. I’m trying to let go of some of my anger and show him the pain instead.

 

H and I had an almost childfree day yesterday and used that time to talk about our past history and how far we have come. It brought up some old emotions (pain, fear, loss, giving up) that I had felt back then and had blocked out. I had forgotten the time he denied he had a problem although I remember him convincing me to watch P with him. We talked about what helped and what didn’t. I truly believe our journey and the work put in has allowed us to move forward quicker with this relapse. It still hurts like hell, and makes me question my relationship with him and if we should continue together especially since he lied about it and wasn’t transparent until I confronted him several times. I do understand relationships require work but this can often be exhausting. As long as he’s putting effort in he can be successful but he often gets complacent when things go well and then “oops I messed up”. I need to reread my written boundaries every day and enforce them no matter what for my mental sanity.

 

Thank you

 

Questions are always good .

He has a couple from back home (2-3 hour drive) but they don’t understand his addiction. He still keeps in touch. He has some causal acquaintances in relation to small acting jobs. We have a lot of mutual acquaintances but he’s not particular close to any of them. I would say he has a hard time making close friends.

He has many hobbies. He tends to jump around with them (which he realizes isn’t healthy). He’s very good at wasting time...but has improved and become more focused as he’s working on himself and we’ve been through therapy.

He works from home and often puts work on the back burner as it’s his own business. When he’s acting out no work gets done and therefore no income. I used to be bitter about this but have tried to stop that...it’s not healthy. He will do almost anything for me as far as running errands, etc so I cannot complain.

He has an account on here (recently), journals, loves making movies (although had stopped for awhile but went to a couple small acting jobs recently and had fun), and video games. We see a lot of movies and enjoy that as time together!

We are 36 (H) and 37 (me) .

 

It’s so hard not to let our emotions rule our life and behavior. I miss the husband I should have (although he’s never been clean so I’ve never had him at his best). I miss not having to question every behavior. It honestly is maddening.

Trigger: sex



I miss regular sex. He always had such a high sex drive in the beginning (when porn wasn’t so heavily used). My drive wasn’t great back then due to hormonal birth control but I rarely said no. As life moved forward and due to stress and his growing addiction I said “no” much more (and regret that in some ways as sex is very important in a relationship). I miss being pursued (I used to never have to initiate and now feel like that’s the only way it will happen). Ideally I want a more balanced give and take (I’m not asking for him to always initiate it although that was our normal). I’m still young and feel like we are missing out on our prime age...I don’t want to be old and be like people we know who never have sex anymore. It’s sad and breaks my heart. I honestly don’t think I would tolerate a sexless marriage (or even one where I’m forced to always initiate) forever. I hope that doesn’t sound petty or cruel but it’s one way we connect that we shouldn’t with others...it’s private and intimate and ours.

 

Yes, if I didn’t control finances it would be BAD! He has no self control with money although he is improving.

Yes! He’s very smart. He wastes time really.... When he’s working on recovery he spends less time alone. He will come to my office (I own my own practice) and come run errands. When acting out he avoids me so is alone a lot.

Yep! So many things need done it’s crazy. So many promises yet the garage is still full 3 years later. If it’s a written list it used to get done years ago. Now even if written maybe 50% without reminders. Verbal lists beyond 1 item forget about it. I’m hoping this improves as I don’t want to keep reminding and mothering but I also don’t want to run an entire house and family by myself.

 

I have always felt that way and it would make me feel bad. Don't get me wrong he's grown a lot in our relationship. Some days it seems like he's going backwards again...and that is frustrating (ie he doesn't do any of his personal chores around the house and does not see an issue with it). I don't mind answering questions and appreciate your input. It's nice to be able to be completely open/honest with this issue (can't do that with most family/friends in my current life so it's very difficult).

 

I’m glad you are here getting help. I’m sorry to hear your marriage didn’t last. I have been very very supportive for 17 years and continue to be supportive but I also need to take care of myself now. I almost lost myself over the last 17 years and refuse to do that any more. I don’t want to sound like a jerk but I simply will not tolerate no effort any longer (yes, addiction is hard but trying means a lot).

Take time to deal with your issues. As long as you keep working towards a goal that’s all that matters...even if it’s small. Be kind to yourself. If you just started it will be hard but as you make changes (even small ones) things will become easier.