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Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Belladisa, Oct 11, 2018.
Thanks for the encouragement! Trying to be better at logging in daily
99 days... Definitely more difficult with a boyfriend, but he is on the sane page with me about P which I’m thankful for
Hey friends... last night I fell what a horrible feeling after 106 days free... good news is that I didn’t go to the regular websites I usually have in the last, but just surfing Instagram for PMO.... but still.
Thought I would log exactly the feelings I have this morning. I think with a new boyfriend, someone who doesn’t exactly share my values on sex and waiting (which is something I gave into with him.. I did decide this for myself, but starting to question it), and just my own bend towards intimacy being pretty difficult to express in a healthy way, it become so difficult in the past month especially. Also, being on vacation, away from the responsibilities I usually have and having so much free time doesn’t help; vacations have usually been triggers for me in the last as well.
I know this is a long post and I should be kinder to myself, but trying to celebrate the 4 months I got to and pick myself up again. For women, it’s so much a psychological and emotional battle... falling again affects your feelings of self-worth and identity, and leaves me feeling gross and helpless even though I know I’ve made such good progress.
My one desire is goodness and holiness, but this is a difficult journey and I know I will stumble alone the way.
Any encouragement is appreciated! How did some of you encounter last triggers (like having too much time on vacation, but wanting to relax.. and then end up in the same situations) and overcome them?
I decided to keep track of my original progress even with this reset.. I know I’m starting from day 1 but I want to acknowledge where I got to! So I’ll be extending my original days with my new days...
I'm sorry to hear about the relapse. And I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend not sharing your beliefs.
I'm no expert on relationships but one thing I would suggest would be to sit down and talk with him about the kind of values you have and what you want out of a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be two where you work together. That's why you're called "partners", not "toys".
I love the goals you have for your journey. Goodness and holiness. Those are really wonderful things to have. And yes, you will stumble, but it's gonna feel really good to reach the summit of your journey.
You've asked for recommendation. Just last night I was struggling with some really bad urges. One idea I have is to always have something to do. You're on vacation, are you with other people too? You could always collaborate and plan to do something new everyday.
But it's not enough to just do it. Your body will be fighting against you and playing tricks on you. You are literally having a mental battle with yourself, almost as if an alternate persona were trying to hurt you and keep you where you are (think Split, in a way). So it is not enough to just do, you will have to plan and focus on every step you make, every move you take, what is an okay thought, what isn't, and how to shut it down if it gets out of hand. You should plan and commit for everything when urges are crazy, from going to a famous landmark to grabbing a piece of toast, always have a clear path in mind. And staying focused could range from thinking of doing it to repeatedly stating your goals over and over to yourself under your breath (I'mjustgettingmyphoneI'mjustgettingmyphoneI'mjustgettingmyphoneI'mjustgettingmyphone...).
Try not to be alone. This doesn't mean You're being watched 24/7, but put yourself in places where getting away with a relapse will be too much of an effort to be really worth it. Take breaks to meet people often. Unless you are changing clothes, taking a shower or using the restroom always keep doors open. Think about what you are thinking and why. Don't be afraid to go for a run or even a walk.
Plus, this addiction, the "other persona" if you will, is very carnal. It's a misrepresentation of our needs for love and intimacy. It takes your primitive instincts and goes to town on them. Luckily, you are smarter than she is, so with a little bit of strategizing and experience you will be able to stand up to her.
But most importantly remember to love yourself. I find it easier to abstain when I feel loved and patient towards myself rather than when I beat myself with a belt (long story). It's a battle yes, but do not forget that you are trying to save yourself because you are worth saving. I know it's a concept I still struggle with myself, but I hope you will be able to do more than I can.
Good luck and take care!
Oh, I almost forgot. If you have an especially difficult day but you still keep strong even when you go to bed, there's a good chance you'll wake up the next morning feeling amazing. A little motivation to see for yourself, I guess.
Wow... thank you so much for this. I’ve reread your words a few times in the last couple of days, and have really taken a few things to heart. I appreciate how personal your response is and how practical it is for me to try in the really tough moments... and the reminder to love myself and be patient in this journey. Also.. beating yourself with a belt? (Ouch!!) you are totally right about the split persona.. I haven’t been able to describe that feeling but your words did! Thank you for your kindness in reaching out today was definitely a better day now that I have some ideas of my personal goals back in check, lots of prayer and refocusing on my true identity and how worthy and loved I am, and some conversations with my boyfriend about what’s really important to me.
Onwards and upwards... !
Yes so true... I hope your journey feels as rewarding as the encouragement you’ve given me!
Day 108 (-1)
Thought I’d keep track this way.. I don’t want to make a huge deal of the relapse as I feel it’s more important to keep moving forward. Reminding myself of the days I did well feels psychologically better for me to look at when posting ...
Refocusing today.. and lots of prayer and time reflecting, even just on spare time like taking a shower or when I’m eating, about who I really am and what I want for myself. This has been a huge help for me
I like your new way of counting. It's definitely something better to look at compared to just Square 1.
Good job thinking about yourself, it sounds like you had an awesome day! And they're at good times too. I usually do some self reflection when I go to bed. It's great to keep my mind off of the possibility of relapsing...but also means I forget everything I thought of in the morning. Maybe I should find better times myself.