Just need to get it out of my system

So, on days it is a month of no PMO now.

Following through goes pretty well, better than I anticipated to be honest.
But, some things do come up that trouble me.
So, I am 29 years old, never had a real girlfriend, just some mingling more than 10 years ago which, together with severe depressions around the age of 11 fucked me up considerably in regards to interhuman contact.
Then again, not. I apparently am a nice guy to be around. People like me and I am generally well perceived and accepted in social circles.

But it feels like I am never really there. Physically, yes, but ... how to put it...-
When I want to say something, I have to wait till someone finished. Even if I know the answer to the problem. Even then I sometimes am not heard.
You know what I mean?

This mirrors in other parts of my life as well.

There are a few contruction sites around me, so to say.
So far I...
...managed to stop smoking (5 years now, from a pack a day!),
...got my college back on track and if things go well I'll have a degree this time next year.

Still need to do:
Eating healthy and sport, thus loosing weight. (which is figurativly and literaly my biggest problem).

Then there's also another huge impact on my life, my mother. ( No father in my life)
I don't have a bad relationship to her, far from it.
She always did everything she could and all.
But, she's sick. So sick in fact that she needs help around the house. Not bed ridden but she can't walk more than a few steps.
I have no problem with that but, apart from the obvious psychological problems that come with this, there's the whole "living at your parents" thing.
I often read that it's not really a problem but to me it feels different. I see how friends, single as well as in a relationship, move into their own homes. There's a certain level of freedom that come with it that I never knew. And from what I can say right now, never will until I find a job that provides enough for the both of us, let alone any future plans.
We manage right now but there's not much left.

I know I used PMO to cope with the loneliness. Fleshlight and pillow were my daily companion and release for years. Now that I stoped with PMO I definetly feel some advantages.
I feel less anxious in public and the problem of talking to strangers is pretty much completly gone. I held a presentation in class last week that was easier than ever.
I even said Hi to a girl at the place I work (which for me, is really something).
As said, it's not talking per se, but initiating the conversation.
And probably keeping it alive, but only for the lack of topic.

But back to the topic. Using PMO to cope with this is what made me realize that I am actually dependent (or rather I felt) to the release. So, for me, stoping PMO was the right thing, I have no doubt about that.

But, that also brings back the loneliness.
And the last few days it just hurts.

 

Thank you for the kind words.
As the title says, sometimes this all just boils up and needs to be vented, and just writing it down every once in a while helps.