Just got back from first date

Be careful with that line of thinking. She seems like she's everything you've ever wanted, she's amazing, and you might hope to marry her some day. But you also need to remember that she is not responsible for you, and you are also not responsible for her. Enjoy the moment, but also guard your heart.

What you might want to look into here is emotional chastity--essentially, making sure that you recognize the relationship for what it is not only on a sexual level, but also on an emotional one.

 

Best advice I could give is dont worry about it. Care, but also dont care. Thats the approach I took with my gf of 1 year and 2 months. I had resigned myself to a life of singleness about 5 mins before I found her profile (by COMPLETE accident) on facebook (we met once at the church we both attend). When we first started chatting she would always cut the convo abruptly short (months into the relationship she revealed that she planned on friendzoning me but I wouldn't let her, lol). But I knew from when I first met her things were going to work out differently. Some times you don't know, but deep down, you do know.

 

First off congratz on the date!

Secondly, like others have said, I'd recommend guarding your heart. I don't know if you have been best friends for ages before going on a date or what but you probably will want to rein in your emotions because in reality she's probably not that into you. yet. If you haven't been good friends with her for a long time you'll want to keep your eyes open as well because she may not be all you have "fantasized" her up to be. On the other hand if you have been good friends and really know her well, she probably hasn't been thinking about you in a "romantic" sort of way for that long (if at all) so you'll still need to keep your emotions in check. Anyways good luck on your school year and don't let her consume your thoughts/distract you too much!

 

You're using words like "dream girl" and "real love". You're worrying about worst case scenarios. You're replaying mistakes you made. You're counting time between each text message. You're timing and planning when you respond back to her.

You're basically reacting way too much to everything she says and does. She laughs and smiles... you're happy. She says she's busy... your world is destroyed. You're completely attached to specific outcomes concerning her. That's why you're fucked. This leads to you acting in ways that you think will get her to like you. Which leads to not being real and more on the manipulation side of things. You're incredibly invested in this girl, so every time she acts negatively towards you... you're going to try even harder to act in a manner which you think will lead to positive results. You've completely lost any value you have towards yourself and surrendered it for the sake of her approval.

Outcome dependency kills attraction. A man who is too outcome focused approaches a woman solely to prove that he is able to make his desired outcome happen, not out of any real interest in her. That’s a very selfish attitude and will end up working against him. You're not allowing her the freedom to choose how she wants to live her life in terms of accepting or rejecting the real you.

You're like a leaf in the wind. Your emotions are flying everywhere. You're very unsure about yourself. So why should she be sure of being with you? If you're being the emotional one, that doesn't allow her the security to allow her emotions to be expressed. She basically wouldn't feel safe around you due to things like being neurotic / jealous / angry / needy / unable to make the right decisions / etc. Outcomes with external things / life / people will always be uncertain, but you should learn to be certain of your own self worth.

The problem you should be seeking answers to isn't whether or not she'll give you another chance. The question you need to be asking is how can you become a better man and understand women better.

Acting like you don't care / waiting a specific amount of time to respond to her = these are decisions you're making out of fear. If your world didn't revolve around her in such an unhealthy manner and you actually had a life you're interested in living, then you'd naturally be busy enough that you wouldn't respond as much. As for caring about her or not caring about her... respecting her choice about you is caring... not respecting that choice is your self centered outcome dependency. Not caring about her is trying to play games and trying to decode everything she says or does. Caring about her is being honest ("Hey. I miss you and I hope we can see each other again, but if that was the first and only date we'll ever have then I just wanted to let you know that I had a great time and I respect whatever your decision is."). Something like that expresses your desires without being attached to a self centered outcome or trying to manipulate her. This also shows that you're not here to play games and that you don't have time for anyone elses games.

Maturity, being secure, and honesty is what you need to work on... not "how or when do I text her?" or "how to decode everything she says or does". You can't control or own other people. It's her life.

 

That's your problem. You see honesty and maturity as weakness. You see playing games and manipulation as something you need to do for other people to like you. You see her as the only thing that can make your life have any significance. If you're not being straight forward, then you're pretending to be somebody else.

Play games and people will play games with you. When you start a relationship with this as a foundation, you'll be hiding your intentions and walking on eggshells trying not to break the fragile state of your relationship for the rest of its lifespan. Even if you get what you want out of her this time around, there will definitely be a day where she doesn't give you what you want and your world will crumble every time. Sounds like a fun and healthy relationship.

 

Yeah, I would. If nothing else your still friends right?

 

Damn bro, take it easy. It seems this is the first time you're interacting with a girl, given your excitement and amateur behavior. First of all, stop being so needy. Whatever you did worked, so don't ruin it by being a wimpy Beta. I'd seriously recommend you ghost her until she texts you again. Get on with your life and forget this girl for the moment. Regarding this topic there is a lot to cover, so I recommend you read The Rational Male and some inner-game books.

 

You don't have to go from one extreme to another extreme. There is a healthy balance where you can tell a woman how you feel about her without coming off like a creep or someone who is unstable. The best thing is to know when you're putting someone on a pedestal and to stop doing that as soon as possible.

 

Great advice!

I have seen some of your replies in other threads too, and I must say that you are normally spot on with your comments.

 

I get that but have you asked yourself why you want them to like you back? Do you need their approval and validation? Women want men who aren't threatened by them and who aren't needy. The only way you can be both of those things is to be confident in yourself and to know you are enough for your own happiness. When you do that then you can have a healthy detachment from people which will allow you to recieve them as a gift.

 

Isn't that like saying we should commit temporary suicide?

 

First of all, congratulations Bro
If you talked two hours straight and was laughing a lot, there's definitely good vibes in the air. Don't worry about the door. She's a big girl. She can open a friggin' door

Just play it cool. I know it's so friggin' hard when your brains are trying to tell you that if you don't act immediately, she'll be gone forever. (Trust me, I'm having this same battle with myself as we speak). But you must control your urge to call/text her and play it cool, because you don't want her see you as needy or insecure. At this point you don't know whats going on in her head, and you can't control it either, so you might just as well wait and see whats going to happen next.

This is a mental state called: Oneitis. (Here's a link to a great Youtube video about Oneitis).
Oneitis means that you see this one girl only and it gives you this illusion on scarcity. Like there's only one girl in the whole wide world for you, and she's the one, and if you let her go, you'll never gonna find another one and you'll be alone forever.

Trust me, I know how it feels. But it just isn't like that. Not at all. There is no One-Perfect-Girl for you just because no-one is perfect. Everybody has their flaws. There will always be another and even better girl. And look at it this way: You've managed to get this date, so you are brave enough to get lots of another dates, if this relationship falls through.

So be positive and trust yourself. You're The Man. Any girl would be happy to have you


-Mike