1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Just found out that my bf of 2 years has been sexting his ex-FBW our entire relationship

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blackbox9898, Jan 3, 2017.

Should I leave him>

  1. Yes

    14 vote(s)
    87.5%
  2. No

    1 vote(s)
    6.3%
  3. Explain your thoughts

    2 vote(s)
    12.5%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. blackbox9898

    blackbox9898 New Fapstronaut

    4
    4
    3
    Throwaway for obvious reasons. I'm so lost and don't know how to feel. I am wondering if any other fapstronauts have continued a sexting relationship with an old FWB or ex purely to get a "fix" as a result of their porn addiction.

    I found out six days ago that my bf has been sexting this old FWB from college (she also has a bf). After I found these texts, he told me that he was a porn addict. I don't deny that he is a porn addict. I am totally understanding of this, however I am wondering if he is using his addiction as a coverup for something else. I am a nurse and I get the behaviors of an addict. He has a mental health disorder and I am willing to try to be supportive and stick with him through this difficult time in his life. I am proud of him for realizing this (even though I'm not sure he would have come to the realization if I hadn't caught him sexting this girl.)

    Anyways, I am concerned that he actually has feelings for this girl and that I am being played a fool. He said some really, really fucked up things to her about me. He carried on friendly conversation with her about me and our relationship (told her we were moving in together, etc.) But he also said some majorly fucked up things like: "I want to have a threesome with you and blackbox9898. Actually, I don't want blackbox9898, I just want you." He told her how he wanted to cuddle her. After we moved into our place together (just two months ago) he told her how he wanted to fuck her all over our new place. It all physically makes me sick. Even writing this now makes me want to throw up.

    I am willing to try to be with him through this time, however, if he does have feelings for this girl I need to get the fuck out. He isn't worth my time if that is the case. I have a plan to stay with him for three months to see if he can show me just the slightest bit of change while I can simultaneously save money to move out. I have a clear head and understanding of his addiction and his want for change but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being duped.

    So please noFap, I truly and honestly need your help. I have researched so many stories and I understand the science behind the addiction but I need to know what this wonderful and supportive community has to say about this situation. Have any of you fapstronauts carried on sexual conversations with ex-gf or ex-FWB throughout your addiction? Did you have feelings for them? Or did you do it purely as a result of your addiction?

    Please help me.
     
  2. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    1,071
    1,352
    143
    I spoke to women online, so similar to sexting, to get my fix. I once cheated on my wife when we were dating, having invented in my mind that I was allowed, and my wife was okay with it. I didn't want to do these things. Sometimes in the moment I wanted it, but I wanted it to stop, and I wanted to stop hurting her. The time I cheated, I didn't want to. I literally knew I was letting the woman's begging control me, and doing something I didn't want to do when I went to see her, and when she wanted to have sex. She fed my insecurities and triggers, and I literally wanted to say no. I actually wanted to let her beg a little while then give her nothing (not defending treating her that way, but that's where I was at the time) and still I gave in. I hated myself, and hated what I was doing, and wanted to stop the entire time. But I didn't. I know what it sounds like to say "I let it happen," because I actively made this choice, and took this action, but it was honestly like I couldn't stop it. To say I let it happen is genuinely a more accurate description of what it felt like, and what was going on in my head. The fact that I'd constructed a rationale that let me believe I wasn't cheating enabled it for sure. I hate thinking about it because I want to take responsibility for it, and at the same time I remember being helpless to stop myself, and that makes me feel like I'm blaming the addiction and not admitting it's my fault.

    I don't know what is going on with your boyfriend, and there are differences, especially the preexisting and ongoing relationship with her. But I did betray my wife (then gf) to the same degree, veg driven by the reward seeking mechanism of the addiction.

    I never wanted to hurt my wife. I knew at various moments I was or would be hurting her. My awareness of that went up and down. I hated that I was doing it. I wanted to stop. I wanted not to hurt or betray her. But I did, and then the guilt fueled the self loathing and that fueled the addiction and ... well it sounds like you know that story.

    ETA: Wow this wasn't fun to write about and now I feel seriously crappy. Not in danger of relapse, just one of those "hey so this is what normal emotions are like, and this one is not fun" things.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
    KevinesKay and outedskeleton like this.
  3. blackbox9898

    blackbox9898 New Fapstronaut

    4
    4
    3
    Did you ever have a productive sex life with your wife? He as DE and would never communicate with me in bed. I'm so utterly torn over this. How did your wife get through this? How long did it take to get back to a "normal" relationship?
     
  4. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    1,071
    1,352
    143
  5. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

    266
    235
    43
    I was in a similar situation as @AllanTheCowboy. I began seeking out reward center stimulation through actual interactions even though I'm married to a beautiful, wonderful woman. Sexual intimacy with my wife was never a physically a problem but I became more emotionally disconnected over the year. It started with chatting and sexting and ended up with real world interactions. I tried to end it so many times. It was hard to pull myself out when there was an actual person literally begging me back in. What has kept me away so far is the knowledge, not just a fear but an absolute certainty, that I will lose my family of I ever go back down that road again.
     
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us can know for sure if he has true feelings for that woman. If you've done your research then you understand that an addict needs to escalate in order to get that same 'medicated' feeling. In the moment they will do or say anything to achieve that same feeling that makes their emotional pain go away. The moment they are done they feel even worse then when they started. Even though the person on the other side of that text is real, the relationship is an illusion constructed by the addict. Often, addicts are attracted to the feeling they are creating, not the person on the other end. The illness is that instead of seeking out healthy sources of comfort, addicts continue to make bad decisions.

    Addicts are also masters of compartmentalizing their behavior. He can say he loves you and still engage in this behavior and sincerely believe that he can do both. It is irrational and sounds impossible, but that is what addicts have to do to indulge their addiction while maintaining real world relationships. An addict can believe that they aren't hurting anyone when in reality their SO views what they are doing as a major betrayal.

    Even though I've given a general explanation of some things that goes through an addicts mind, I am not condoning or excusing his behavior. It is wrong, deplorable, and unacceptable. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, numb, or furious. You also have no expectation to stay and help fix him. The addict needs to be responsible for their own recovery. It is also their responsibility to make you feel safe and loved in a relationship. If you can't trust him after this then I think you have your answer.

    We've seen lots of different varieties of this addiction and we've seen both success stories and failures. It depends on how seriously the addict takes his recovery and how much he is willing to invest in his sobriety. If he minimizes, justifies, gives excuses, blames others, or gives up easily then he will fail. Again, you are not obligated to go through this roller-coaster with him. If you are going to stick around for 3 months then that is plenty of time for him to give concrete evidence that things are changing.
     
    blackbox9898 and outedskeleton like this.
  7. blackbox9898

    blackbox9898 New Fapstronaut

    4
    4
    3
    I really do need to do some reflecting to determine whether or not I can trust him. I almost feel that I want to trust him too soon and that my love for him shadows his betrayal. I feel that I am putting a huge risk in staying with him for any amount of time. Even three months. I have spoken with many friends and now I feel so much pressure to leave. If everyone in your life says get out isn't there some wisdom in that? I am also concerned that my needs and my wants will always come second to him and his addiction. Were you able to get through this addiction with your SO? How did you show her that you were changing?
     
  8. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    If there are people much closer to the situation giving you advice and those people have your best interests at heart then weigh them more heavily then our advice. Trust is a very difficult thing to fix once it's broken and the memories never truly go away. Addiction is not something that goes away in a few weeks or months. And it never gets cured. It merely goes into remission and hopefully never comes back.

    Some of the wives have given the advice to not make any hasty decisions after first discovering the addiction. You ALWAYS have the option to leave, but you don't always have the option to come back.

    I was able to get clean with the help of my wife. She was very guarded until I started to show signs that I was taking this seriously. Then she gradually gave me more support and we worked together to fix things.

    What did I do to show I was changing? I talked more, I confessed, I told truths I never told before, I was more transparent, I stopped showing her my 'poker face' whenever we talked, I researched and shared what applied to me, I journaled and shared my thoughts with her, I joined NoFap, I talked to an elder in my congregation, I 'allowed' myself to be monitored and not be left alone, I dug into how she felt, and I gave a detailed apology for each instance where I hurt her. My wife was able to clearly see that there was an 'old me' and a 'new me'. She could hate the old me, and she could love the new me. Any time I show signs of acting like the old me then she gets nervous.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2017
    outedskeleton likes this.
  9. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    1,071
    1,352
    143
    You can't. The question is can he earn your trust, and can you ever trust him in the future?
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2017
  10. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    1,217
    2,004
    143
    I'm quite sure he doesn't have actual "feelings" for this girl in case that implies the two of them could have a healthy, long-term relationship together. It's just his mind that is messed up. The other girl's one is too, obviously. He needs to realize this and it might work out for the two of you. It might. However, I agree that you should value your friends' advice more than ours.
     
  11. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

    1,423
    1,338
    143
    Of course, the addiction is covering up insecurities.
     
  12. iwmsgan

    iwmsgan Fapstronaut

    80
    55
    18
    Would it be correct to say that you couldn't move out today, even if you wanted to, for financial and logistical reasons?

    Because my recommendation would be immediate separation. You can't move out in 3 months and tell him it's because of something he did that long ago. It just doesn't register. I think you both need to space to take and breath and see where you want to go from here.
     
  13. blackbox9898

    blackbox9898 New Fapstronaut

    4
    4
    3
    I moved all of my stuff out. I was luck to have my dearest friend help me with moving everything completely out. I hope that he won't screw me over, as my name is on the lease. I couldn't stay there. I tired for a few days. I couldn't. I'm a strong, confident, big person. He made me feel weak and small. If I stayed it would have been for him. Not for me. I would have given too much of myself away when I had already given him everything I had to give.

    When I left I felt empty. And so was the home we created. It really made me feel it was a symbol of our relationship. I had given him and us every possible shot for our future. I created a home for us. As I left there was an empty, sad place. I want to believe he can get better. I think he might be able to. But he will always have this part of him. I told him that maybe if he would've been honest enough with me and himself to tell me about this maybe things could've been different. But he couldn't do that. I don't think he ever would have.

    I am crushed by this. Torn. Sad. Empty. Lonely. I want to talk to him. I want him to comfort me. I realize I've been in a codependent relationship for two years. Those feelings won't disappear overnight. I wish I could've been strong enough for the two of us. I want to be. But I had to be selfish in this. I had to think really think and be honest with myself. He was never honest with me. Not once in our relationship was he honest or trustworthy. He lied to me from the very beginning. We were distance for a year before he moved up to be with me. He told me when I found out that that first year didn't mean anything to him since we were apart. Here I was thinking we were in something real. He didn't feel that way. He couldn't be honest with me about that. I fed his loneliness for so long. I got him to get a job. To get out of a bad town. I stayed with him while he was unemployed. I truly tried.

    Now I'm feeling horrible that I abandoned him. I do. I feel like I gave up. But I have to remind myself that I didn't. I did and gave him all of me. He couldn't let me in. He couldn't be honest with himself. There was no way for him to be honest with me.

    Thank you all for being here for me. I love you all.
     
  14. Audere est Facere

    Audere est Facere Fapstronaut

    482
    522
    93
    HI blackbox.

    First of all you are strong for leaving him.

    Don't think u abandoned him. He abandoned you.

    It is all his fault. You did everything right and you gave him your all with honesty.

    He didn't give you truth, honesty or loyalty.

    Porn and fwb was more important for him than you. It's sad but true.

    In these situations we had to understand, accept and move on.

    You did all those three things.

    A lot of us here are proud of you for your courage! Once you move forward don't look bAck, and so many of us here are giving up something we had become dependent on that was ruinous for us.

    Your ex is the same for you. You were dependent but he ruined what you guys had. Give him the blame.dont blame yourself. He didn't want to be fixed. He just got caught.

    And we love you too and are here for you.

    Stay and find strength with the caring people here
     
  15. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    1,217
    2,004
    143
    If you're not codependent, is it a relationship at all?
    This might sound a little dumb, but as a physicist I like to see things from a mathematical perspective: Two variables being related to each other is synonymous with two variables being dependent on each other.
    In a relationship you open yourself up, and of course there will be some sort of emotional dependency. Even on a biological level. There's a difference between a healthy dependency and a lack of trust / fear of loss, and so far I can't see how you would have had either of that.

    Anyway, I wish you a lot of strength to live through these days...
     
  16. IGY

    IGY Guest

    What is his diagnosis? This may well have a bearing on his behaviours.
     
  17. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

    266
    235
    43
    There's a difference between codependency and interdependency. When we say codependent, we're usually referring to the unhealthy type where one derives their Happiness or self-esteem from another's dependence on them for support. Interdependence is the healthy reliance on a partner you described that is important to form strong relationship bonds.
     
  18. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    1,217
    2,004
    143
    Alright... I just learned a new word ;) But the thread starter doesn't sound like she was codependent, does she?
     
  19. outedskeleton

    outedskeleton Fapstronaut

    266
    235
    43
    No, there's no way to determine if she's codependent based off of this one post. The term is often thrown around and misused.
     
    Headspace likes this.

Share This Page