Journey to the Unknown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. I know in my case my husband says he understands but he can't feel what I feel. Like he knows it but can't feel the intensity of it, of what I feel. And I guess that's just it, maybe they never will. Maybe it's just not possible for them or anyone to really get and really feel what another person feels.... Did your letter address what he needs to do to make you FEEL more desired....
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yes. It was very clear.
    And I wrote him the letter so he could reread it over and over again...
    I thought it would help.
    I guess not.
    It was very specific.
    I even said - this it the part... This part here... Fix This!
    This is where we broke.
    .... I'm so deflated. :(
     
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Try to be patient, it may take him time to get it, for the penny to really drop. And you's have been so busy with your big move....so be gentle on yourself. Maybe he is stuck on how to even fix it, where to start and what to do.... Hopefully he will work it out soon...

    On another note, I hope you are enjoying the new house, it must be such an exhausting and busy time for you both....but it's always lovely to be able to start afresh!
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you
     
  5. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    This hit me right in the soul. God I feel you on this.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I yelled at Rock_Star last night when he ASKED me for sex.
    I said "Do you Know what desire is?"
    Calmly he says "sure... It's to want something with passion"
    "asking someone to fuck casually isn't having passion!!"
    (i was pissed)
    We went around....
    We didn't have sex... He did not try.
    I'm probably unworthy of effort.
    That or he only sees me as "a friend" still.
    Gawd, I Hate my life.
    I do.
    I hate it.
    I hate this.
    I hate living like a little trophy wife.
    I yelled at Rock_Star about how I used to try all the time until he broke my heart... I had so much passion and desire... So much Feul for us... So much drive... And the moment he saw his little whores smile, he lost passion for me.
    It's true.
    No argument from him.
    He just nodded.
    *wanted to scream in his face!!*
    I want desire.
    That's it.
    Not a one and done... I want our relationship refueled .
    That's it.
    So simple.
    I'm not going to tutorial how to do it tho... Because the Directions on what I want are pretty much in the language I'm using.... Where is the desire?
    Think about anyone who desires anyone or anything else.....
    It's a certain behavior...
    It changes how the attitude is towards everything else.
    Ahhhhhhhhhh!!
    Fuck it all.
    You can't force desire tho.
    She stole it.
    Rock Star wanted to leave.
    She didn't steal him.
    Now... He's back...
    He got his cake and ate it too...
    I'm so done with it.
     
  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Wait , you made the “smile” comment tonight and he shook his head yes ??
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    He nodded "yes, he agreed, that's when he lost passion for me & our relationship"
    He also did not argue with me when I went off on a tirade rant about it never coming back into the relationship since.... So Idk
    I rolled over and went to sleep
    .... Angry
    .... So... Not really sleeping
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    That virtual wall you have probably has huge dents ( from banging your head on it ) I know mine does . Xo
     
  10. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    It takes a pretty long time. I work my ass off at recovery and everything moves at construction remodel pace. Whatever timeline you think something might take, double it and add some more time on top of that. I know you want him to passionately desire you right now as though none of this ever happened, but his desire has been contaminated for a long time. It takes awhile to sync up the biological and psychological (I suppose I'm taking about "rewiring") components to a more natural state.

    To keep with the remodel analogy, it can seem like nothing is happening for long stretches of time. But that's because all the electrical and plumbing is being done - stuff that you don't necessarily notice visually. It's frustrating because you want the beautiful hardwood floor put down and you want to paint the walls, but there a million little odds and ends that have to take place before that can happen.

    I'm my personal experience, I'm really only now starting to make gains on passionate desire for my wife. There were a million little hurdles I had to jump before I've been able to rebuild my comfort and confidence to be able to not feel that I'm going to be rejected. When you feel like shit about yourself, you throw reality and common sense out the window and believe that you're going to be rejected or that your passion is going to "give away" your true self and she'll realize that you're a loser or a jerk or whatever. And then any rejection is just further evidence that you really are a loser/jerk/whatever.

    So for him to regain passionate desire for you, he has to clear out his own BS and farm his self-esteem. He wants you, I'd bet my next paycheck on that. Please don't take his lack of passionate desire right now as evidence that you aren't enough for him or that things can't get to a state of awesome. He's in there, desiring you, but there's a lot of other garbage attached to that desire right now, keeping it from emanating pure and true.

    I know, I know, something about big boy pants or righting wrongs. This stuff will come.

    All of this is predicated on him actually doing the recovery work. I have no way to know if he's doing this, and I think you might only partially be able to tell. Where he has complications attached to his desire, you have complications attached to your trust. While this is no fault of your own, it does influence how you "read" his recovery and desire for you. For now, it might be possible that him asking politely and you rejecting and that process not destroying you guys is actually what's needed to happen in order for you guys to move forward. This might actually be the process of rebuilding trust.

    I'm not entirely sure if I'm trying to drive home any certain point here. I'm just trying to say that your frustration is completely understandable, you're being heard, and you have support here.
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I just fear that by the time he gets Here... I will be gone.
    I'm not sure I can wait because he chose* to give it away and fuck us up like that.
    I don't know if I can live with it.
     
  12. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Understood, and you have every right to do whatever you need to get yourself to a place of security and healing. Infidelity is infidelity is infidelity. There has to be a tipping point where a wrecked car is written off as a total loss because the time, effort and cost to repair grossly outweighs the value. You are very detailed, intuitive, honest and supernaturally fair, so there's no doubt that whatever decision you come to is the best decision possible. There's nothing rash or vindictive about the route you've been taking.

    "Things working out" might not necessarily predicate on the marriage staying together. I don't have a vote to cast and I don't intend to influence yours. I just want all involved to recover, heal and move forward in whatever form that takes.
     
    BreatheDeeply and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  13. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    This might be one of the best analogies I’ve heard. The broken vase always made sense to me but this really hits the nail on the head. There are dents and cosmetic damage which are easy to repair, then there’s structural damage which requires a lot of time and investment plus it may not ever be quite the same. But at a certain point, it’s simply totaled and must be written off. Sad but also feels true.

    @Kenzi I am so sorry you’re still hurting this badly. I wish you every happiness and hope they all find you in whatever outcome turns out to be best. Hugs.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you
    *Hugs
     
  15. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I agree; totally nailed it. That analogy sums up the thoughts in my head daily: is it worth it or should I just take the big L & find "another mode of transportation"?
     
  16. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    At least you get a trophy. ;)

    (I'm no trophy. :()
     
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  19. BreatheDeeply

    BreatheDeeply Fapstronaut

    Very sorry to hear that you are facing these questions. Stay and continue to fight? Leave? Neither sounds very good. And even when you consider that each option could end positively in the long term, the path to each is bound to be wrought with (more) heartache along the way. Why can't just ONE of those paths at least be tolerable?

    I heard someone at a Buddhist retreat lamenting the fact that they didn't like their job because they felt that the company was unethical in some of its practices. The reason they stayed was that the pay was good and it allowed him to buy only organic foods when he did his food shopping. He could take a job which he felt really good about in general, but it paid half what he got currently and he'd have to buy many things that were either non-organic or processed - something he hated. Obviously, he didn't like either option and there simply was no solution to his dilemma.

    Instead, he was told this: There isn't always a solution to situations that are comfortable for us to employ. We have to accept this fact, make a decision, and then be okay with that decision. We don't have to be happy with the actual outcome, but it is important that we understand that we gave it thought and then did what we thought was best at the time. That's easy to say, but not easy to do. Our ability to hold onto hope indefinitely is remarkable. But that also leads to interminable suffering.

    I realize that I'm not offering any real answer. But be okay with whatever you choose to do. In doing that, you can at least find just a little compassion for yourself moving forward.

    Try to have a good day today,
    - BD
     
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  20. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like the lack of desire is mutual?
     

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