Journey to the "me" I've never known

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by RayZ, Oct 30, 2017.

  1. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Hey all!

    On this day I start my journal on Nofap. I'm willing to open up my thought processes in this journal and I type a lot of thoughts so hopefully it'll be interesting for a good read.

    EDIT: 13/01/2018
    • I achieved my target of reaching 35 days at the end of November, but I ended my streak there unfortunately
    • I now have no target by number of days. My new goal is to continue this journey until I reach the better me where I can truly thrive in life

    What do I want?
    I want to better myself and achieve the best version of me. And I want to see how that version compares to who I am when I do PMO. I first encountered P at a super young age probably around middle school, and M when I was 13. When I first M'd I was thinking about a girl from school (the shame!). I don't want none of that anymore, no more fantasizing and feeling guilty about it. No more feeling sorry for myself when I know I can be better. Some things I want to do through this is increase my motivation, so I can pursue things like my interest in music production. I want to pick up basketball again as I've been getting very strong urges to play recently, even dreams of playing like a god. Also, it may take longer but I'd like to find a girl. I want a relationship with meaning. Doesn't have to be 'the one' kinda thing, but I want something that's worth investing time and love into.

    Hope you can join me on this little journey!

    *Added difficulty level of urges from 1-10
    • This is a broad measure depending on intensity and frequency at its highest point during the day. A relapse doesn't have to be at 10 for me, if I didn't resist at all and I just surrendered. I hope I won't have to enter that.
    *Added a title, might keep doing this if I want to consistently add narrative
    • I've always liked fiction and creating stories. This feels like a place where I can consistently put in effort that will go for more than a page or two.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
  2. Good luck. Make sure to replace your bad habits with positive ones.
     
    Rising Phoenix and RayZ like this.
  3. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 4 - "Ex marks the spot" (Difficulty: 4/10)
    I woke up quite tired due to a late night, I really gotta fix this because of my exams coming up this Thursday. Today I updated skype as my friend and I were going to use it to help each other with our exam (it's online). Suddenly my ex's picture came up as one of my old contacts. Oh boiiiii..... What a great start to the journal!

    See, whenever I see anything related to her I get a similar feeling every time. It's like nerves, lust, reminiscence, nostalgia, desire, missing what we had kinda stuff. Like my heart drops and my mind starts thinking about all those GOOD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER YEAHH. But it didn't feel that bad as opposed to previous times. Later in the day though I somehow ended up scrolling through her old facebook photos. These included the ones that had us as a couple in them. She just keeps popping into my head at random times which is annoying. Also she wants to meet sometime after exams, she goes to the same uni as me now but on a different campus (thank fuck). I've kept avoiding her for a while, like the rest of my friends. She has a reputation with guys see, it's definitely in the double digits. Whereas with me, she was my first and only girlfriend, so it's not good for me to keep seeing her randomly and messing with my heart. But I will meet her if she doesn't forget about it, because I'd like to know her more. She has anxiety and depression, so I still worry about her and she seemed rather down in our last chat. Our relationship was also seemingly artificial, centred around physical attraction and not knowing almost anything about each other. We never even noticed.

    ANYWAY, all this wasn't very good for holding back my urges. What else happened today?
    Well I went back to study after that because it didn't throw me off that much. I tried to sleep through the afternoon because I was tired but it takes me ages to go to sleep and I tried to for 30mins but failed so I went back to study.
    But then a random urge came up later in the afternoon. Images popping up in my mind about stuff. Instead of relapsing, I got up and did some basketball drills on the patio outside for 30 mins. I do this because it's easy access for me (like PM) and I can vary the intensity based on how I'm feeling. I worked up a sweat, had a cold shower, and was just in time for meatballs for dinner, courtesy of the mother. I then went back up, finished the practice exam paper and now I'm writing this.

    So this is where I start. I overcame some urges of a past relationship on the first day. Sorry I rambled on a bit about her. If you like me rambling on let me know and I'll pour more of my heart out into this journal with extremely long entries.
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  4. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 5 - "Brace for impact" (Difficulty: 5/10)
    Today was the last day of study I had before my perilous exams tomorrow. I have an online one at 8:30am and another at 1:30am. Then that will be it for the year. Actually that'll be all my exams, I plan on gunning out a report from scratch the day after on Friday due at 9pm. Then THAT will be it for the year. I'm more confident on the 1:30 one as the other one I haven't studied for at all. With good reason though, since it's online and open book I'm going to discord with my friend while we do it so I'm just hoping it's all straightforward.

    My urges today seemed to be more frequent and persistent even though no one was on my mind. I've unfollowed all the Instagram babes I used to follow so now my feed is only filled with my friends, attractive 'friends' and guinea pigs. Goddammit I love guinea pigs. I also look through these forums a lot more than I do with Facebook nowadays. Which is great, because sometimes I just get sick of all the videos of Facebook 'content creators' and other uni students complaining and making suicide jokes.

    I've also had a growing fear that I may relapse after my exams/after my report in "celebration".

    That's just an excuse I'd make for myself. My goddamn birthday is a celebration.

    The idea that I would twist a word of tradition to conform with my sexual desires is pathetic. That's a poor excuse I would have made before I started all this. But this is the me that wants change, action and desire to actually follow through with what I set out for myself for once.

    So tomorrow, I will not PM. Neither will I after my report.

    This is the barrier I will break through to set an example for my future self. I will start out strong and teach my lust and dick a lesson. In the face of anxiety before assessment and the relief of finishing them afterward, I will not fail myself.

    So what does that say to future me? If you can do this in the most nerve-wracking part of the semester then what else is really stopping you right now?

    *EDIT: My urges went from a 5 to about an 8 for some reason while writing this. I aim to minimise my stress before tomorrow by having as early a night as possible to prevent anything unwanted.
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  5. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 6 - "Showtime" (Difficulty: 6/10)

    Today felt like a rollercoaster, if the rollercoaster ended at the peak of your adrenaline.
    I still ended up sleeping late and even woke up twice last night, can't remember why. This made me way more tired than I wanted to be for my exams today. Regardless, I made sure to make my morning routine quick so I could start my first exam asap.

    First Wave
    The 8:30am exam went rather well. My friend and I were scheduled to voice chat whilst doing it. We opened up the exam link and I felt a bit overwhelmed. All my study was done last night so I was mainly going off my knowledge from all the past classes without revision. So I mean it when I say that my friend helped out a ton with the exam, also his dad apparently knew the stuff so he took the day off work to help too! But about 2/3 of the way in, I was definitely running out of steam and feeling the fatigue. Around that time I started unconsciously stroking the ting. I probably did it about 2 or 3 times without knowing. My feelings at the time were frustration, fatigue and impatience. But I'm lucky that since I wasn't alone, I never felt helpless. We finished the exam and I felt it was a solid effort. Then I had to get ready for the next wave...

    Round 2
    My mum kindly drove me to my next exam (1:30am) at uni so I didn't have to take the train. I got out of the car and headed to the building with no urges at this point. I blast my edm with one earphone to try convert my nerves into hype and determination. I met 2 old friends in the building who I had no idea were also doing this exam so that was nice. For the exam itself, almost a complete breeze compared to what I was expecting. It involved math so I was fearing the worst. After arriving a few mins late I conveniently sat myself among 3 girls for some reason. 2 at the side and one behind me. The one behind was pretty gorgeous so it was good I wasn't behind her. Still no urges, I was feeling too focussed.

    I felt a lot more confident with this exam, After I left the room I couldn't find my two friends, but I honestly wanted to get home as soon as I could anyway.

    Something feels different...
    So here's my highlight. I was waiting outside the building and opened up my phone to check the trains home whilst eating a banana. I heard all the people walking past me talking about the exam and what they said for questions etc. At that point I kinda wanted someone to do that with. As I looked around, my eyes met with this girl sitting at the stairs for like half a second before we both looked away.

    Something was different after this happened. Usually I would feel shy and nervous after making awkward eye contact and just look down at my phone or the ground again. I felt something else, like an increased willpower being formed. Like butterflies, but if the butterflies made you feel brighter and more confident instead of nervous. I realized I had a choice to make. I could keep sitting here for about 5 minutes before I head to my train, or I could walk over to this girl, get to know her and make a new friend. I chose the latter.

    I turned my phone off and walked over without further hesitation. I didn't even realize I was still holding a banana, because normally I would take a painful amount of time to think about this stuff. I introduced myself and we talked about the exam.

    I'd like to point out some things when we were talking to emphasize how this is my highlight. I walked over with a smile, and she smiled back. I made a lot more eye contact than I normally do with people. Normally it's me darting my eyes around everywhere else, but I engaged this conversation with a genuine interest. This was great because I could see more of her nice face and pretty eyes. But most of all, during our chat, I felt NO nerves whatsoever, like NONE. Instead I felt confident and relaxed, like I had known her beforehand. Every thought that I wanted to say came out without hesitation, because I was confident and feeling great. In general, I think and worry about everything, so this felt so bliss when I didn't do any of that. So I got her on Facebook and then left for my train. I felt those different butterflies I mentioned and as I walked to the train I felt like I wanted to dance. But I just walked faster to try and ease the adrenaline.

    I had NO urges by the way. She didn't make my feel any, because I was already feeling so good about myself. Doing something like this out of your comfort zone is pure bliss when you're confident and things go swell, no second guessing. A rush of dopamine that comes with no guilt and self-loathing, that's what I want to keep getting for myself.

    That's why this was my highlight. For the first time ever, I went over to a complete stranger and talked to her with confidence and ease, all because I felt like it.
    I am having trouble finding an explanation though. Was it because of how awake I was when doing the exam, and how good I felt after I knew I did well? Was it because I was still a bit tired inside from the late night and was just extremely relaxed, yet still energized with a good feeling? Or is it the first sign of benefits from immersing myself with all of you guys? I honestly don't know, I did nofap streaks all less than 7 days before this so I'm not really sure if that's enough to see these kinds of results??

    But I do know one thing. It took fucking ages to type all this.
    Also that I ended the day on a high when I started it off with wanting to fall asleep forever.

    This was how my big day went. And it only goes up from here...
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  6. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 7 - "Calm Down..." (Difficulty: 9/10)

    I very nearly almost relapsed today. The day that I promised I wouldn't was the closest call so far. My urges today were constant, persistent and lingered starting from the late morning all throughout until the evening. I did an idiotic thing and opened up instagram, with the purpose of looking for triggering pictures. I searched up some of the girls I'd unfollowed. And at first I didn't feel anything, so I kept browsing. The urges started after I'd finished looking, so I instantly uninstalled the whole app. But it felt too late. When I was scrolling I realised my heart beat faster. The rush that felt all too familiar. It was now awakened because of me.

    It felt much harder to do my report due today when I was still tired from an early morning and now I had my desires circulating around my lower body, that feeling like the ting needs to be attended to. So I spent most of the day just sitting in the chair and putting up with it whilst doing my report. I had my door closed all day, only my mum was home and she was doing a lot of cleaning downstairs. So everytime I took a break to lie on the bed, I thought that I could sneak in a quick PM session and only I would know.. Even though that's the only person who needs to know. My body dared me to do it multiple times. I felt like I did a good job to block out the images of my desires, but the urges were still present. So I would get up everytime feeling like a little kid that wasn't getting what he wanted, and was being punished by doing work.

    Honestly my mood was pretty low, the constant denial of myself by myself. If I were going to break my streak out of the days so far, I was pretty certain it would be today. I let myself suffer the whole day because I didn't feel like doing anything to stop it due to fatigue. I recommend you don't do this because I felt like I was at the edge of the cliff. All I would have had to do was to surrender to the demon inside. The one that offers false temporary happiness, only to build up a real permanent tower of regret.

    It came late afternoon when I'd made a lot of progress on the report, so I went outside to play a bit of basketball. Afterwards I had a cold shower, and I felt much better than before.
    I didn't want to feel vulnerable to it again, so I had to keep telling myself that I made a promise. I said I would not falter today as I predicted this would be my hardest day. And in the end I made it. But I need to be able to put up more of a fight than today if I ever want to get to the end of November. Now that I'm finally rid of assessment for the year, I'm going to get a better sleep schedule going, be more productive, start going to the gym again and all that jazz. The beast becomes bigger with every step that I don't take, and eventually it will consume me again. So I need to venture out far enough that when I look back I can just see a speck in the distance if not nothing at all. That's when I will find me at my best.
     
  7. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 8 - "Freedom!" (Difficulty: 1/10)

    As of today I am now free of assessment for the next 3-4 months or so! I had a slight urge but other than that none of my desires had invaded my mind. Nothing much really happened today though. I played a bit of League of Legends with my friends, did some basketball drills, swam 100 laps so like 900m (our pool is 9m long) had dinner at the table with the fam then went upstairs to watch the LoL worlds finals. Holy crap the finals really took me by surprise, but no spoilers though. Tomorrow I'm hoping to get back into gym again, assuming I wake up early enough. Otherwise I might have to wait for the racks as I can't remember how busy it is on Sunday late morning. Anyway, it was really nice to feel free from the exam stress and fatigue. I hope I can start implementing further change in my life from here on.
     
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  8. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 9 (Difficulty: 2/10)

    Today was fine and straightforward with barely any urges. The urges I did get came up pretty fast, they seem to be doing that quite often lately. I don't know for sure, but which urges would you prefer? Really intense fast urges that can go away quickly or constant and lingering urges throughout the whole day like on the day I had exams. I would probably go with the first one. If I experienced constant urges and I was extremely tired, I don't know for sure but it would be really hard not to give in. Actually, another considerable factor in my experiences so far is I've pretty much never been home alone. My parents have mostly been downstairs and my brother always in his room as he's studying for his next exams. I'll be sure to write up for the next time I'm home alone and see how I'm feeling. When I used to PM regularly I would sleep in, eat breakfast and then do it before I had shower. I would feel real excited as there was no one else in the house. Hopefully I can think of a strategy to combat this.

    I played LoL a bit today, not too much, watched the dragon ball super episode, scrolled through the forums, swam 100 laps again but that's pretty much it.
    Oh I was also thinking about if I should tell my parents I'm doing Nofap. My dad asked what I did today and since I spent a bit of time on the forums I just had to say nothing much just LoL. I kind of maybe indirectly told my brother? He'd seen me scrolling through the forums on my phone so I told him it was Nofap, that was it. I'll probably tell a few of my friends about it.

    Something else on my mind is about LoL. I played today and 2 out of the 3 games were ranked games and pretty stressful, they were losses. I remember I used to look forward to a fap after playing at night if I had bad games. I hope this also doesn't happen again. Actually I should say, I won't let this happen again.
     
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  9. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 10 - "Reconnecting" (Difficulty 4/10)

    Today I woke up early at 7:15 to go to the gym with my uni friend. But my brother had already gone by the time I woke up so I had no car. We had both agreed to meet my uni friend together at 8:30, but he decided to leave that much earlier because he thought I wouldn't get up in time (I usually don't). I guess it's understandable as I almost never set an alarm for gym or wake up earlier than 8 due to lack in motivation. But through Nofap I'm of course looking to change that. I still feel pretty mad though cos my uni friend won't be going to gym until Thursday because of his exams. I don't know but hopefully I can become a more forgiving person through nofap if that's one of the benefits. I usually get mad at the little things and am pretty emotionally sensitive.

    The Girl...
    My urges were not that concerning today, but I'm giving them a higher score than last time because of 2 things I'll talk about. So after I had lunch I scrolled through facebook for a bit and saw one of my old high school friends online. She's a real nice sweet person and I've always been meaning to catch up with her. But I was a but hesitant cos she still hadn't responded to my last message I'd sent over 3 years ago asking if she was okay. I think she was going through something with her boyfriend at that time so I didn't want to follow up. But now I thought I should just stop thinking about denial and just do it. I messaged her and asked her when she's free and that I'd love to catch up sometime soon. She replied saying that it was so good to hear from me and that she'd be really keen to meet up after her exams next Thursday. I felt ecstatic after this, like SUUPER excited! She's kind of been distanced from our friend group from high school ever since she changed high schools in year 11, so it was nice to see that she wanted to catch up. But I also felt excited for another reason. Back in the day she was pretty much everyone's early high school crush, with good reason. She has really pretty blue eyes, a nice smile, good body and is really nice. Though, judging from our friendship in high school I don't believe she sees me as anything more. Also, she's my friend's ex. They're not on bad terms or anything, last time they met at a party there wasn't anything bad between them. I believe that because I was good friends with both of them they he would understand if something started between me and her. I'm interested to see how we get along when we meet. Honestly, I would love to date her as we got along really well as friends and talked about a lot of sensitive stuff when we dated other people. We were there for each other and gave each other relationship advice. But would I want to risk ruining our friendship? We haven't talked in years so it's kind of hard to say. We'll just have to see how it goes. I'll have to know what's been going on in her life for the last 3 years or so.

    So after I got her message, I wanted to try have an afternoon nap. But I just kept thinking about her and I was just too excited. Butterflies in my stomach and thoughts and memories with her were keeping me up. Some dirty thoughts relating to my urges were popping up but I shut them out. This girl was making me feel like I was on top of the world with only a message after 3 years. My hidden feelings for her seem to have skyrocketed, I wasn't even thinking about her until today. She was making me feel so much that I had to wonder, are these feelings real? And I'm having trouble telling them apart, do I really want to rekindle our friendship, or do I want something more? Honestly, I can't really describe it, it feels like I'd love to have both. But we all know that can't really happen. I also don't believe I should be getting my hopes up yet. She wasn't even thinking about me until today and I'm sure she has never seen me in THAT way! I feel like a lot of girls feel this way about me because I don't feel as if I'm a very mature person as I don't really wanna grow up. I'm not a MANLY person either, not very assertive or dominant. I believe this may be an influence of my fetish, I'm still looking to talk about that sometime.

    Goals +1
    But yeah, I think no matter what happens with us, for now I feel like this girl has given me another goal to aim towards. I'd LOVE to love someone like her as I feel like we'd have a real happy relationship. But I'm not going to force something like this as I don't know her feelings. My relationships and past crushes have always been rather one-sided. So, my further motivation to persist with Nofap is to have a blossoming relationship. I will not relapse until I see her because I want to have fun with her and make our meeting blissful. Improving as much as I can with Nofap until then will help me to do that. I have something else now that I really want and someday I will get it.

    They're still people
    Another thing that happened today was I got a recommended video from a podcast where they talked with a pornstar. Normally when I see these things I look up who the girl is, as in images of her and see if I can get off... Well I clicked on the video, and appreciated her looks for a bit. But I didn't google her name. Probably not that big of a deal, but I still felt proud for doing it. It might have helped because of how she was in a normal environment with some guys around a desk just talking about regular stuff and nothing else. It reminded me that they are still people, and if I were a retired porn star, I would hate to live a life where I couldn't escape my past wherever I go. To constantly be known as a sex figure or object, and remembering that people jerk off to my existence. Maybe this could be some good motivation for others.
    Something else that's been happening is I've been getting even hungrier around 1 hour after meals. I don't know if nofap might be related but this did only start happening when I started my current streak. Today I didn't feel that hunger for some reason and my meal amounts were normal because of that.
     
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  10. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 11 (Difficulty: 7/10)

    Today I could really feel my urges getting more intense. This morning I woke up too early for my liking at 7am after sleeping at around 12:30 last night. I spent about an hour lying in bed with morning wood trying to go back to sleep, but dirty thoughts kept popping up over and over. This would have been the best time to relapse as my family knows I usually sleep in so they wouldn't open my door this early. As I lay there with these thoughts I could feel really strong and lustful desires in my chest. Like I needed this, and feeling how much I miss jerking to that stuff. I can only imagine these feelings will intensify the further I go. So my priority goal right now is to get a good sleep schedule and sticking to it. Hopefully instead of late bedtime late wake up it can be early and early instead. Though it will be hard as I take at least an hour to go to sleep normally.

    The rest of today I experienced urges around the midday mark to around 3:00. I tried napping twice, I think I did in the morning at 10ish, but yeah the thoughts wouldn't go away. I eventually took a cold shower in the afternoon and felt a bit better. I'd dwell on the urges a bit less before shutting them out so it helped. I didn't exercise though as I was too tired for gym and it actually hailed just when I wanted to swim. I could have used the treadmill but I prefer cardio outside. So I made it today, but I still fear about how much more extreme my desires will become when they're being denied for so long.
     
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  11. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 12 (Difficulty: 3/10)

    Today was a good day! Urges were minimal and weren't that intense. I woke up a bit before 7 and a bit tired, but I really wanted to go to gym today otherwise I would probably put it off for longer. It wasn't that busy when I got there, there were 3 people to start. My workout went for 1 and a half hours. I usually finish a bit earlier but I did 20 mins of cardio after. And I like, never do cardio at the gym so you know that's a good sign. Of course I also checked out all the girls there. One had a rather nice butt. But I didn't stare at any of them too long. This is a regular thing for me as I always think that girls would get annoyed if you stare at them or check them out. I watched a YouTube video last night about eye contact for "alpha males", it talked about how beta males have this mentality so I guess I'm a beta. Which is fine and I kinda knew that. I'll revisit that video and others to see if I can improve my eye contact cos apparently it's rather important for asserting dominance and picking up girls etc.

    After gym I was driving home and as I passed our nearby park I felt motivated to go over and practice basketball stuff. So when I got back I told my mum and she said I seem pretty motivated. I mean yeah, usually gym is enough for the day, especially when I did cardio after. I don't know I just felt some extra drive today.

    So I went to the park where no one was using the court, I mean it's the middle of the day. But I still played for a while because it was cloudy. There was only a guy at the playground doing dips and a couple with kids around the swings. I played ball longer than I thought I would, about 40 mins. I was super tired but I was sti looking to improve my skills. After a while the sun came out and I decided to head back. As I was walking to the car I saw one of the kids chasing the mum spraying a water gun. They were laughing and that made me smile. It's always nice to see a family having fun.

    For my entry yesterday, I think I've overhyped my feelings for the girl a little too much. I'm not feeling as intense feelings thinking about her as I did when I wrote it. Maybe it was just something in the moment. She's still everything I said but yeah I wouldn't want to get my hopes up just meeting her. I don't want to dive into anything without thinking. We'll just have to see how it goes.
     
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  12. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 13 (Difficulty: 6/10)

    Today was alright. I woke up the earliest I have at 6am since exams finished. Like cmon man I want to sleep in it's holidays. I went to bed quite early at 11:00 but I didn't think I'd wake up this early.

    Since it was so early I was planning to go to gym again. But I must have been too cold last night coz I couldn't stop sneezing and sniffling so I just stayed home.

    Urges weren't that present in the morning, they started after I had breakfast and shower. I was doing some research on my fetish to educate myself a bit more. The content was fine but it was the images in the articles that were distracting me. I knew they were only there for clarity and informational purposes, but I still get off to seeing it. Most likely because I used to M to Google Images of the softcore stuff way back in my early teenage years. Despite this, I kept researching, and images would keep coming up in the articles. I could feel my desires gradually rising but I kept going anyway. What kind of feelings were driving me at this point? It might have been me thinking I should be rewarded for my progress so far. That I should embrace my fetish. Because reading the articles I was seeing a lot more positives to having it than negatives. Granted I was searching things like is it bad for me, what are the causes. So my intentions were shifting towards the purpose of comforting myself about my fetish rather than just learning about it.

    Eventually I stopped as I felt I was getting too distracted by the images. I went upstairs to my bed, opened YouTube and looked to see what was trending. Fuckin lord behold, it was the trailer for the new fifty shades movie coming next year. So yep yep, that's what I'm into. I might as well explain my fetish now, but I'll probably dedicate tomorrow's entry to that as I feel like I should open up in a bit more detail. Also I'm tired.

    So yeah, I stared at the video thumbnail for a bit. I was like.. don't do it. Then I did it. I clicked on it and watched the 2 mins of temptation. This really didn't help my urges at all. It complimented the fact that I was doing prior research that was convincing me I should be embracing what I have. It reminded me that, oh wait there's an entire fucking Hollywood series on this shit. 3 movies they've done. Why shouldn't I just whip it out now? It's okay right? It seemed like I was being guided down a guilt-free path to my desires. I didn't like that. If I'm gonna fap and ruin my streak I should be putting up more of a fight. Ain't gonna trick me. What logic I have..

    So I went downstairs and paced around the house taking long deep breaths. Then I decided to do a 1 min plank. After that I was tired so I just flopped down on the floor on my belly. But when I did that it felt nice to have my ting pressing against the ground. So I did some motions with my hips that made me feel even more aroused. I was feeding my desires even more and it was no one's fault but mine right now. At that point I stopped and thought to myself, how fucking ridiculous do I look right now? I'm on the lounge floor gyrating on the carpet trying to make myself feel better about my sexual desires. Is this the peak of my sexual pleasure in life? I know I can do better. So I got up and went about my day. Here's to getting through it all :emoji_beers:
     
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  13. Harshalthelastofus

    Harshalthelastofus Fapstronaut

    18
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    I must say .. u have really nice journal .. I love it..... we r in same phase bro .. lets fight it together. . I am on day 16....
     
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  14. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Thanks I'm glad you like it! Together is better
     
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  15. LiquidShoes

    LiquidShoes Fapstronaut

    Nice job on fighting that urge. Here's to fewer urges with more success. :emoji_beers:
     
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  16. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 14 - "Dreams vs. Fantasy" (Difficulty: 10/10)

    I felt like a zombie for most of the day. I woke up a bit before 7 so I'd had like 7.5 hours of sleep? I wanted to go to gym today but my brother had taken the car already to go for a job interview in the city. Later in the morning I felt too tired to do anything anyway so I spent the whole day trying to have a nap. It was just me getting to the verge of going to sleep only to somehow jolt awake over and over again. I became very fatigued and frustrated as I felt too tired to do anything but I couldn't go to sleep.

    This morning I told my brother that I'd told our friend (we'll call him J) how far along I was on my current streak and how impressed he was. J was the one who actually introduced me to nofap. But he's never gone over 7 days so he was really surprised to hear I was actually taking it seriously. Talking about J reminded my brother that he was supposed to tell me this thing that J wanted to tell me for a few weeks now but J wasn't sure when he'd see me next so he delivered the message for me. One of his friends had committed suicide. I had only met his friend once and it was a very tragic thing to hear. I wish I could have gotten to know him more. J had told me around when it happened that something was bothering him but he wanted to tell me in person. I figured it was something like this but I didn't know for sure. I felt like I needed to go and see him right away as this was a very close friend to him. But I thought I probably shouldn't bring it up when he's still studying.

    Hearing that put my moods a bit low so I couldn't go to sleep in the morning. Then I tried to sleep in the afternoon for about 2 hours but it was just me laying in bed and having those weird jolts that brought me awake. After this I went downstairs to have a snack. I started googling more stuff about my desires for informational purposes. I thought I would see if there was a sub reddit where people who had similar desires shared their experiences. There appeared to be one but it asked if I was over 18 before I entered. So I said yes and started scrolling through, but I quickly picked up that this was a place for content and not advice etc. I clicked on an image attached to a post and it was something that quickly got me aroused. I stared at it for a while before exiting. Then I closed the page. I wasn't sure whether this was a relapse or not. It wasn't intentional but I recognised what I'd stumbled upon and chose to indulge for a little bit by just staring at the content.

    So now I was extremely tired, downstairs and alone lying on a couch aroused by accident. I easily could've just relapsed there, but I knew I would feel really shit about it given my state of fatigue. So I got up and I started blaring out some music as I put together a sandwich. My mood shifted very quickly, as I was listening to this very nostalgic song I'd found years ago.



    After my sandwich I took a cold shower with the song on repeat. I really like EDM, and this was a very uplifting song that hyped me up. So much that I didn't have any raging urges anymore.

    I started thinking about the song. A King's Life. I could think of my journey as a king's life. A King is strong and powerful, protected by guards in a kingdom and not bowing down to any invading threats that are weaker than him. A King rules over all, and leaves behind a legacy of honour and glory in his passing. Though he is not immortal, A King fights with all his power to maintain his kingdom.

    The song and these thoughts made me think of my dreams, things that I would never achieve if I gave up my kingdom now over an artificial fantasy intruder.
    I'm still building my legacy. The King lives to fight another day.
     
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  17. RayZ

    RayZ Fapstronaut

    Day 15 (Difficulty: 2/10)

    Today's urges were very minimal, and never crossed my mind for more than a few seconds.

    What I did today is what I probably should have done yesterday. I woke up early at 6:30am by default then lay in bed for a while trying to go back to sleep. Eventually I got up and dragged myself to have breakfast and such. I then actually decided to go to the gym, as I was aiming to get tired enough to come back home and have a nap to then feel more refreshed. Because yesterday I spent the whole day trying to nap which made me feel really bored and frustrated.

    It didn't really occur to me how busy the gym would be on a Saturday morning. When I arrived at around 9 all the racks were being used so I had to use the squat machine. My routine said I'd be doing 50kg so I started with that. But you know that feeling when you just know you don't have enough energy to follow through to the very end with something. Yeah I felt that when I did the first set. So I left the 50kg day for another time when I had more energy.

    I got through my lighter routine with ease. There were probably 2 cute girls I saw but I'm still trying not to perv too much nowadays. Afterwards I did some cardio (only 3 mins tho I was fuckin' dead at that time) then went back home.

    I had shower, lunch and a protein shake then went upstairs for a nap. And I was ACTUALLY able to nap this time, my plan worked! I was tired and more fulfilled as I had already odne something today. When I lie in bed I'm always thinking if I did something worthwhile today, so that would explain my unsuccessful napping yesterday. I was trying to nap the whole day while my mind was constantly wanting to go do something.

    I felt very refreshed after the nap. I played a bit of League and Persona 5 (my avatar is the MC of this game), then I cooked pasta for dinner. My cooking is limited to pasta, eggs and 2 minute noodles please don't judge.

    So yeah today was much better, I aim to do the same for tomorrow, though I'm looking to do some more productive activities:
    • Job searching
    • Music production
    • Looking for friends to meet up with these holidays
    • More reading
    I'd like to do these things, maybe they will form part of my daily goals. I'm reading "Start with Why" by Simon Sinek if anyone's interested.
     
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  18. Byris

    Byris Fapstronaut

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    Glad it's going well, keep it up.
     
    RayZ likes this.
  19. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    Hey keep going! I could learn a thing or two from your resolve! Last night I was at two weeks and I saw a triggering movie. I didn't give it a second thought, I just gave in and relapsed.
     
    RayZ likes this.
  20. Felipe.dasilva

    Felipe.dasilva Fapstronaut

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    I read though your thread today while I had some spare time at work. Reading them seems to help me. I noticed that your a good writer. Keep up the good work. Out of curiosity what do you like to read?
     
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