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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.
Oh...okay...got it . Lol...
Feeling better since the disclosure.
It’s interesting because there was nothing new in there. Maybe more of a realistic reflection of why things happened and definitely more of an admission of his responsibility than I have gotten in the past.
Maybe that’s what hurt—no excuses, no explanations. Just cold hard pain.
Interestingly enough, it feels like we can finally move forward with actual recovery not sobriety.
My boyfriend is really excited about the move to a new apartment too. He said “finally a place in which I have never watched porn” I’m excited for that too.
I realize I don’t often update when I’m happy.
But, I’m happy. It’s hard because there is so much pain in the past and so many things that are hard for me to accept. But, they happened and it hurt and now it’s over.
My boyfriend has been so great about learning and growing in this process. Though there can be pushback from time to time, he has taken steps to correct his lifestyle and be a better boyfriend.
I do have to try to move forward by accepting, forgiving, and focusing on the present.
I went to the apartment of an old colleague the other day.
She told me that 13 students at my old school were suspended for creating, possessing, and distributing a video of one of the young female students masturbating.
The story behind this is that the girl was FaceTiming her boyfriend while masturbating and he recorded it without her knowledge and shared it.
This is so shocking because the two students are students I would never have imagined engaging in this behavior.
They are both sweet, young, smart kids.
The culture of pornography...for this girl to have learned this behavior and for her boyfriend to see her as nothing other than an object to look at and share.
This is a disease y’all.
sure is sad
That is so sad. Is the victim going to do anything, press charges or is there anything she can do?
I’m not sure yet. I know they’re speaking to lawyers.
Well HOPEFULLY justice will be served , otherwise there’s always KARMA...and we all know karma is a bitch.
I agree I hope justice will be served and this will be a learning opportunity for the entire school community.
Does the comparison ever end?
It’s getting hotter and that means less clothing everywhere in the US, but especially NYC.
No bras everywhere. Big boobs everywhere. Triggers for me everywhere.
Notice I said “triggers for me”. I’m trying to get myself to exit the low self esteem stage I’ve been living in for about a year.
As my SO approaches 11 months in sobriety & continues on his recovery journey, I am fairly confident that he is aware of the negatives of ogling and is working against it. He communicates his “notices” to me, but has yet to admit a “trigger”. Hard to believe, but we take growth where we see it here.
Either way, it’s not about him, this is about me. For my entire life, I have been pretty happy with the size of my breasts. They are not too big, they are not too small. 34C, I would say is an ideal size. Coming from a family of large-breasted women, I was always told how “lucky” I was for my size. I also heard and continue to hear endless compliments on them from friends, ex lovers, and inappropriate strangers.
My current SO compliments them. Although his compliments are harder to believe after statements he made heavy in his addiction? Can someone really go from loving extremely large breasts to being indifferent about them/not liking them anymore to loving a 34C?
I just go back and forth between reminding myself that I look good and I have the body I have and to appreciate it OR hating my breasts, buying creams and pills to make them grow, comparing myself with other women, and wanting an augmentation.
When does this self doubt end?
Summertime. The horror season for SOs. I feel ya on that one.
I'm going to say the self doubt may never end in any near future. Just like the addict always has that "stained brain", i think we will too.
I can relate on my hair. Mine always loved long hair and insulted mine when it was really short 17 years ago. I cant grow it long. I've bought extensions and everything...recently thought about them again...all over self stupid doubt.
Mine says that's "the past how he felt". He "loves my hair" now. I know actual taste in food changes as we age. Even allergies change every 7 years. But does the liking of certain physical traits change in time?
We need some PA input on this one. And reasoning as to how it changes or doesn't.
As a woman that basically wears sports and training bras and thought about augmentation and having skin removal surgery (I lost a LOT of weight over the years too quickly), I realize how crazy it all sounds.
Changing our hair and looks over another person's thoughts or even thoughts we ourselves implant in our minds is not healthy.
But here we are...wondering what to do
Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your empathy here. It DOES feel crazy. I hope it ends bc I want to celebrate women! Not ogle, compare, and hate them for what they have!
Any PAs want to comment here? Tagging a few who have left comments in my journal: @Tao Jones @kropo82 @MisterDirection
@Mourde get your thoughts in on this please
I think back to my over the road flatbed driving days. Purposefully setting the cruise control to 3 or 4 mph slower than the limit to let all the cars slowly pass by for that all entertaining look into the personal space of an unsuspecting and sometimes suspecting motorist. I saw it all at some point, naked people driving around, oral time both ways, convertable tops down as well as the ladies in the convertable. It was exhibitionism on display for a truck driver. But what about the people that had no clue you were looking down into thier cars? This gives me pause and makes me think about my actions and motivations even now that I am not over the road.
My wife @ccrowegreen will say, or has said its not so much that you look, but what you are thinking. In the past I have thought horrible things as I can only ask God for forgivness as there is no way to know whom to talk to now. But especially now in my infant days of recovery. I am a very situational observant person so my eyes travel constantly and of course I hate a crowd. I often find myself looking away from ladues immediatley now because I suspect they know or sense, what does that say about me in our society. So much so that I may make them uncomfortable even though I mean no slight. I did have an encounter with a cut off jean shorts younger woman who commented on my black silicone wedding ring and asked all kinds of questions about it and of me. I remember feeling terrified the entire time and repeating over and over I have to get away from this lady. The whole thing left me feeling wrong.
I immediately told my wife about the encounter.
But to answer your question I dont have a good answer. I think as societies boundaries lapse so does the population at large and ogling and objectifying will only become worse.
I can tell you that i did do these things, but as I have told my wife M was a routine for my morning, a habit and yes an addiction. I did not think back to poeple in RL that I had seen though, I was using P to help but even in that my mind was always inserting my wife into that fantasy role while I was doing that. And that in itself is MORE of a slap in the face to my wife than if I had been fantasizing about strangers I would safely hazzard a guess. She was there in person struggling to hold it all together because I simply wouldnt connect and pay her any attention and then had the nerve to go and hide and MO while thinking about having sex with the person in the next room that was in Love unconditionally with me.
Maybe not the answers you were looking for but its what I had to share on the topic.
I feel you here so much.
When I was younger in high school, I had a pretty bad eating disorder. I was skin and bones literally. My dad use to grunt at my butt if I was walking in front of him (making fun because I’ve always had a large one). My mom use to call my boobs mosquito bites and she went on to get a breast enlargement for herself. I was told all the time to dress like a girl, put on makeup because I looked plain. They would compare me to other girls.
I didn’t stop the comparison as I grew older and left their house. It got worse during my marriage. The P and the comments about how other women looked made me cover up even more. I gained a tons of weight and you could braid the hair on my legs lol I intentially tried to make myself unattractive.
My SA has been giving me more compliments lately and I am trying to accept them without going into my inner critic. I lost a lot of weight and still have more to lose. Lots of skin flapping around and the wrinkles are real.
The self doubt is hard and might never go completely away. But I think we take it one day at a time and look in the mirror and learn to love ourselves again for us. Hugs
It's kinda of like walking into a room I the middle or the end of the conversation, let me read up a little here!
I think the question is this: "I know actual taste in food changes as we age. Even allergies change every 7 years. But does the liking of certain physical traits change in time?"
I addressed this to some degree in another recent comment: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/unattractive.234513/#post-2074249
I guess everyone has a "type," and who knows how they develop it? Childhood influences, early dating/sexual experiences, etc. But, like learning one's native language, you pick that up effortlessly. It's just a default. It's there, and it serves its purpose, but it doesn't mean much. Like speaking your native language, you are simply born into it. Liking a certain look in this way doesn't carry any weight; it is not backed by *intent*.
Can one cultivate an attraction for a particular individual? And continue to tweak that attraction toward that same individual as that individual changes over the course of a lifetime? I think the answer is an emphatic "yes!" Just like learning a second language later in life, it requires real effort and constant practice to stay sharp. But the acquisition of this attraction is greatly prized, all the more for being hard won.
Is it *real* attraction if it must be cultivated? Isn't it somehow less pure if it is not 100% natural and instinctive? Is an adopted child somehow less a part of the family into which she is adopted? Somehow always to remain an outsider and never truly be integrated into the rhythms of daily family life? Or is this child somehow regarded as even more special than one acquired by natural birth? Seen as set apart from the rest in a positive, affirming way?
I suppose you could go either way on that last set of questions. I know how I would choose to answer, and I know what I desire the reality to be. In some real sense, I believe, through our choices, we can forge our circumstances into that reality.
At 40, my wife is different physically than she was at 21. (Aren't we all!) I could say with accuracy that she is in some ways "less" than she was. But I would not. When I look at her, how can I see only a body? She is so much more! She is changed by the years in mind and soul, too. Her heart has grown in ways I could not have imagined 20 years ago. In her physicality, I see the signs of the children she has borne and who have enriched our lives immeasurably. I see her great strength and tireless resolve to fight against time and genetics to remain fit and healthy. I see in every curve and every line the years we have spent together, becoming one. I desire this woman in this body, right here, right now, and there is no other like her.
She isn't the same as she was. Thank God! We are growing and learning and changing and becoming more and more each day the people we were meant to be. I am fortunate beyond all reckoning to have her as my partner in the grand adventure of our shared life. She is more attractive to me today -- in every way -- than she has ever been. And I will be able to say the same tomorrow (and tomorrow and tomorrow), if I continue to choose rightly how I order my thoughts and my actions with regard to her. So this is what I shall continue to commit to do! I failed to do this for many years, and it was a grave error on my part. Now I work every day to ensure I do not repeat it. It's not enough and it's far less than she deserves, but it's everything I have to offer. Love is a choice, and I choose her.
May every SA/PA here speak the same words in truth to their SO. From this day forward, I choose you, beloved, forsaking all others, in thought and in deed. I choose you. A thousand times over.
Insert ugly cry for the day
Stop comparing yourself to anyone and this is something I tell my wife too and I know it's hard to hear this from us guys but I love the way my wife looks even thought years ago I made a comment on her hair that I still dont live down today. Each person is unique in there own way im sure that is why your SO is with you and loves you! I tell mine that all the time and I do love what she does with her hair because I didnt just marry or love her hair, I love her and married her for her! Be yourself and feel good about yourself and everything else falls into place!
And yes things men like can change!
Sorry i missed the physical trait part, im working on a bull dozer and more interested in this.
I still remember the first time in college when saw my wife. Little plastic shorts and short t shirt. I leaned over to my roommate and said the most horrible thing. It's a shared joke that is only for her to reveal.
I still see that little girl when i hold my wife. Doesnt mean I love her less as she has aged. I see changes in her body and they make no difference to me...i celebrate her weight lose and agaonize over her illnesses much that I am the cause of. But the physical traits hold no place in my heart for the emotional and spiritual ones. My answer is no , I dont believe that a persons physical traits changing can influence love or liking. I think that love is attached to the inside version that makes people fall in love to begin with. The outside is just that icing on the cake. Even if the icing cracks or melts or falls off the cake is still the best part of it.