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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Excellent Queen of Hearts...you are 100% correct again...good job. The mind of an addict is cunning.
    My PA asked me what I wanted..I said I want and deserve a committed, attuned and attached relationship. His response...you’re gonna be waiting a long time for that.
    Two hours late he said he missed us sleeping together..lol
    Ya think I’m going to jump into bed with a man just to keep him warm..? HIGHLY UNLIKELY.
    If he wants the relationship to work, he’s going to have to do his work. He’s going to have to fix the situation and himself.
    You’re great to read...thank you
     
  2. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I stand by my comments. It was/is a high bar for that much proactive disclosure. It is more of an issue that it was part of his action plan, but I don't know the circumstances on how the action plan came about. Any viewing activity on a site like Netflix where he would know you could view the history and isn't a likely trigger show seems a technical violation more than a betrayal.

    If I had made a mistake like this, I might agree with the error or revisit the details of the action plan in a discussion. But your description started with:

    Which is, in my opinion, a over
    -reaction to what happened. A reaction like that will lead to less honesty in the future, because if a non P or Psub movie has that reaction, how does he think a real set back will go?

    I wish you the best and I am only commenting on what I read here, which may lose some of the bigger picture.
     
    vxlccm likes this.
  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate all the feedback and opinions.

    We seem to be back on track and I’m hoping it stays there.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  4. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

  5. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Crazy. I’m a smoker (weed). And my SO was saying how I used to celebrate women. I realize all I do is bring them down: trying to find whatever flaw in them so that they aren’t so attractive and; therefore, not a threat.

    And, at the same time: I know my worth. I get looked at EVERYWHERE.

    And it hit me: these women aren’t my competition. These women are me. And I am them. At some point, I was just another sexual object or conquest to my SO. And, that’s what made it so easy to click to the next video when he was bored. He treated every girl like that: at some point, no matter how hot the girl, he was looking for another one.

    It’s not about me.

    But, still hurts.
     
    Liina, Susannah, kropo82 and 2 others like this.
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You’re absolutely correct,..its not about you. It’s about the fix, the high they get. Now you’re getting it..lol...it’s a crazy stupid addiction that escalates.
    I’m proud of you.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  7. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    You know also every guy watches porn or masturbates. most guys can’t last 30 days even.

    I was really surprised. Even at my men’s Christian group where we meet every sunday to confess pmo, almost everyone in the group even though they are christians relapses almost every week. There are a couple of guys who went 30 days, and fell.

    I had thought some of the guys who look good, seemed to have things together, would not be doing that stuff, but they do..
     
  8. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Yes, the 3%. Im one of them lol, almost at 90 days. The guys on nofap are trying to quit which is good.

    Most don’t see it as a problem. In my life, i have known only two guys that have never masturbated for sure, cuz they told me. And it’s quite obvious they never did it. They are my motivation for what could be if i quit pmo for good. They have beautiful faces (reflect purity of their heart), perfectly clear skin (never had a single pimple probably), have very shiny and bright eyes and skin and have this charisma/aura that makes everyone like them. They are easily funny and likeable.

    If you find this guy, you are really lucky.

    One of my friends who is a Christian, he is really strong in his faith has been 2 years plus without porn and went 1.5 years without masturbating. He has been struggling recently with M but i know he will beat that.

    A minority of guys get long streaks 60 days plus, and only a handful the 1% have gone 1 year plus. And even fewer totally break free and don’t have any relapses.

    @Shin Iu @Amukadi8 @kropo82 @JaYBrieL are at 900+ days. I think these guys have broken free. respect
     
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  9. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Hey i think that’s true honestly. I wish looking back that my parents never gave me an iphone. A simple blackberry would have sufficed.

    Technology with all its benefits, has so many pitfalls as well. Everything that is good comes with a cost. The internet is a double edged sword
     
    vxlccm, Taketime and Lostneverland like this.
  10. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    @goodnice You are a smart fella. This simple post changes my life - it is the reminder I needed in black and white. Thank You.
    And I hope you get rewarded for your determination and hard work to improve your life. Karma works in a good way too.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2019 at 7:00 AM
    goodnice likes this.
  11. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Thank you miss, best of luck for you and your SO. The man has to want to quit with everything he has. he has to give it number one priority. Sometimes experience is life’s greatest teacher and the guy will have to learn the hard way through suffering. That’s the only way i was able to finally change. suffering
     
    Butterfly1988 and Tao Jones like this.
  12. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Like I said - Smart! Spot on.
    Suffering and pain are the only things that lead to change ( and then it's sadly not always possible for some)

    THIS A UNIVERSAL TRUTH

    yes my SO is suffering the worst storm of this life - and so far not turning to PMO to make it better- he gets alot of respect for that.
     
    Butterfly1988 and goodnice like this.
  13. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    This weekend was a whirlwind.

    My boyfriend and I just put down $1000 on an apartment for July. It’s a 2 bedroom with a balcony. It feels really adult and like a bigger move to solidify our relationship. My boyfriend was beaming and so happy: “we just got an apartment together!” And my reaction is, “yeah don’t fuck me over.”

    While we were watching TV this weekend, the name of one of the IG hos that he used to follow was stated. This triggered me and he remembered her name, which prompted him to remember other porn stars he followed. He gave me the names of two. This upset me because he had told me previously that he never followed pornstars before—he just watched random videos. He told me that he just forgot, since following someone was what he did in his early porn use.

    Either way, I looked both of the women up. They are NOT attractive. At all. Just have huge boobs. But, they’re really hit up in the face and kinda overweight.

    I am definitely more attractive both in my face and body.

    Made me realize that it really isn’t about me. Again.

    Gotta keep making that message sound strongly
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    That sent up a yellow flag for me. Just my completely uninformed $0.02.
     
    Taketime likes this.
  15. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Yes. It’s a yellow flag for me too.

    We already live together—just moving to a bigger place.

    It’s hard to move forward as the SO of a PA. But, we can’t hang back either. I don’t mind if he slips, but I am worried about being lied to again. Our relationship is great other than the P issues..and he’s been 10+ months clean.

    It’s a 2BR as opposed to a cramped 1BR (read: glorified studio). So, I think it’ll give us some space that we’ve needed to heal as well.
     
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  16. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Sounds great. You've got your eyes open. I missed the part that you already live together. That of course changes my reaction. It's a yellow flag you have been living with for a while, it seems!

    It's messy and progress is not linear. But we muster up grace and love as best we know how, and we muddle through. Some days are pretty lousy, but some days are pretty great. I wish you both many more of the latter!
     
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  17. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. Really appreciate all the support :)
     
  18. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Got a disclosure.

    Was definitely not formal or supported by a therapist. It turned ugly. I get why he is afraid to tell me things. But, don’t do that shit in the first place OR leave me and then do that shit. You don’t get the privilege of both.

    It’s crazy that it’s been over 10 months since these activities occurred and it still hurts like hell.

    Porn, obviously was on the list. He named the types he watched/“came across” and the P stars he followed. There was the app to meet cougars.
    Instagram girls he followed.
    Psubs be used.
    An incident of sleeping with someone else before we were committed officially, but still dating seriously.
    An instance of flirting with someone else while we were official.
    Ogling.

    Kinda glad that’s over.
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey butterfly, what’s over the disclosure or the relationship?
     
  20. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    The disclosure.
     
    kropo82 likes this.

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