Journal

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I know how stressful it is to be away. It completely consumes you and robs you of any opportunity to enjoy yourself like you should. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  2. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    @hope4healing you are a very lovely person.
    Butterfly I can feel like that too. But you are you...a person in your own right, on life's journey for your own experience. Are you gonna become less, enjoy life less, give up opportunities out of fear because of a person who destroyed your trust, and the safety you should share in your connection to each other? This is about feeling safe, safety to enjoy your life when you are away from your partner.
    Safety, trust, love helps us grow as children and ADULTS...All of us here are struggling with those things because we have partners who secretly bonded to porn not us.
    But we have choices too.
    We are important, loving ourselves is important.

    I'm sending you a hug too.
     
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  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @hope4healing and @Taketime thank you thank you!!

    I’ve been listening to Soulmate by Lizzo—have y’all heard it? A great song for healing SOs!!
     
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  4. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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  5. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Well, all history on the TV and phone was clear upon my return from my weekend away. He did not have his tech with him and, when we had sex, I could tell he had been clean: he had no problems staying erect, he was extremely aroused in a way that was loving and passionate and not porn-y, and he ejaculated in a normal amount of time.

    He told me he watched some of the video clips he and I made and that he stroked himself a bit. I don’t mind this because it is part of our agreement that P= “anything that creates sexual arousal that is not consensual and/or involving our relationship” he also told me he didn’t make himself cum because he “wouldn’t cheat himself like that” because orgasms with me are better and more intense.

    We smoked and drank at brunch and had a good time, but I did find a little charm of a high heel connected to a bow on the floor. I cleaned the floor before and am like 99% certain I did not see this. Although, I have a cat who does bring new stuff to the surface when she finds it and plays with it.

    This charm is not mine and I cannot remember any instance in which I had that or got that. I got worried that he may have brought someone over, but he insists he didn’t. He even went so far as to ask me to request the security camera footage of the apartment as I would be able to see if he walked in with someone or if he buzzed someone into my apartment. I did. Haven’t heard back yet.

    We spoke and texted almost nonstop this weekend. Spoke on the phone for hours. He has his location shared with me and he has never physically cheated on me (or anyone). He has no dating apps on his phone and is restricted from downloading them. He even showed me his credit card history.

    My intuition says to trust him and just accept that this could’ve been something old that somehow got dug up or maybe he brought it home attached to his shoes or bag or something just from working in a school or living in the city..

    But, my fear paralyzes me and tells me anything is possible with someone who has freely lied to me...

    Geez. This addiction hurts so bad.
     
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  6. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    He also repeated everything he did this weekend over and over and swore on his grandma who is currently in the hospital that he brought no one over the apartment.
     
  7. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I think it’s time to break up.

    No relationship built on the foundation of lies and addiction can survive.

    I looked at the Netflix history and found out he had watched I Am Legend. No triggers, it’s not P, but he promised me as part of his “action plan” that he would tell me everything he watched. He failed to do so.

    This isn’t about porn, it’s about keeping your promises and being consistent and that’s something my boyfriend has shown me.

    If he can’t report a non-P movie, how can I trust him to be honest in more serious matters?
     
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  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    There ya go...you are absolutely CORRECT. When I got together with my husband, I said do t ever lie to me....ever. If you lie to me on the small things, you’ll lie to me on the big things...and he did in epic proportions.
     
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  9. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This is so true, and unfortunately, they just don't seem to get it. It's a lot easier for them to oversimplify it by thinking, 'if I just don't PMO, everything is fine, and I've done my part.' :confused:

    I'm sorry that happened. It's such a slap in the face when you thought they'd been honest about everything.
     
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  10. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    TRUTH - it's not about porn at all! and spot on the 2 posts above.
     
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  11. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @Lostneverland @hope4healing @Taketime

    Thank you for your constant support, advice, and empathy. Means a lot to not be alone here.

    This is something that is tough to talk to friends about because in a NORMAL relationship, there is no need to report tv shows and movies watched. In the relationship I have with my SO, there is a need for that.

    We had an explosive argument yesterday and then I took a shower (my way of dealing at times) and stayed silent. I had nothing else to say and I’m SO sick of the pushback...it’s like I’ve gotten pushback at every step and the , later, been thanked for being so strong because I helped him be a better person. But, somehow that realization only lasts until there is a new topic to fight about...

    Then, it’s like his third eye started working and he woke up. He said that he realized that everything is about him. Everything in our relationship has to do with him. He said that I have been so strong the whole time, but I just keep getting beaten down and not cared for. He made the analogy of a house with really strong foundation, but it’s in the middle of the storm. And even though the wind and rain beat at it, it’s still standing strong. But, it keeps just being beaten at and beaten at...

    I started sobbing and I said that’s exactly how it feels.

    He held me all night and woke up with me this morning as I got ready for work (I leave earlier than him).

    We will see if this lasts...
     
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  12. Iambrain

    Iambrain Fapstronaut

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    Getting mad at your partner for watching a movie and not telling you seems a little strict.

    If you feel like you're being crushed by pain. Consider the expectations you have put on your SO. Higher the expectations the more disappointment you're bound to have. The antidote for your pain is forgiving. Either way the relationship turns out if you want to heal you must forgive. Hard to do if you keep getting new wounds putting high expectations on someone and them failing. It puts a lot of stress on a relationship when you do that.
     
  13. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This is exactly what we were talking about in the past few posts...it isn't about the movie itself. It's about the fact that he agreed to do something, gave his word, and then didn't follow through. She has every right to be upset if he didn't stick with his own rules.
    The expectations are to be honest and accountable and to do the things you say you will do. She's not being unreasonable to expect those things in a relationship.
    Again, you seem to be blaming her pain on her, but that is unfair and just wrong. What puts a lot of strain on a relationship is when one person does dishonest things, doesn't do what they say they'll do, and hides or deceives. As she said herself, in a NORMAL relationship, the movie wouldn't be a big deal. But, in a relationship damaged by lies and PMO, it's different. If he can't be honest about something as simple as a movie, she has no reason to think he'll be honest about bigger things.

    You keep pushing forgiveness as the cure-all for everything when that isn't how it works. Yes, forgiving can help with healing, but it doesn't stop a liar from lying or a PA from PMO. You shouldn't blame the SO for everything because you believe they should just keep forgiving and that will fix everything. It won't.
     
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  14. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Couldn’t say it better myself! Thank you :)
     
  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    100% absolutely CORRECT....lie and betray on the little things and he will lie on the big things.
    Where is the integrity? Say what you mean, mean what you say and don’t say in mean.
     
  16. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you might like to apply your own wisdom to yourself?
    You know pain is the root cause of porn addiction? right?
    And that leads to deceit, lies and betraying a partner ....thus giving the pain to them.
    I guess you know forgiveness therapy is effective as any other therapy to treat addictions?
    Just my thoughts on it, but if the addict started out with the forgiveness first....that might simply avoid the whole thing.
    Taking responsibility for our own actions now there's a refreshing idea!
     
  17. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Lying only by omission on a completely not P or Psub movie IS an extremely high bar. You have a point that he should stick to what he agreed to..... Just sounds like him agreeing to this level of accountability was either something he agreed to stupidly, but perhaps in earnest, or felt forced to agreed to.

    Now if it was a lie to a direct question, different story.
     
  18. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Actually, I believe it was his 'action plan' that he made and told her. @Butterfly1988 can correct me if I'm wrong about that. But, if it was his plan to tell her everything he watched, regardless of the type of movie, then he should follow through with his plan. She even said that he repeated multiple times everything he supposedly did over the weekend, and it wasn't mentioned.

    Also, lying by omission is...well, it's still lying. For someone who's lied and deceived numerous times and who's now trying to earn back the trust of someone they love, it should be fairly clear that they need to be completely honest about everything, especially about things which they've agreed ahead of time. And, it's not like it should be difficult to say, "Oh, btw, I watched a non-P movie today called....."

    If there was no questionable behavior to report, it should be simple. Tell her what you did, completely and honestly, and there's no issue. But, now that she's aware there are things he didn't tell her about, even if they seem harmless, the question becomes, "Why would he have to lie about that, and what else is there I don't know yet"? It's no longer simple, and it doesn't help to rebuild trust at all. It would be so much less painful for SO's if PA's could understand all of this because an incident like this brings so much crap back to the surface.
     
  19. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Hi. Yes.

    I recognize this is a high bar. This was something he decided to do to own his recovery and support my healing.

    He knows that weekends away are tough because of things that happened in the past.

    We acknowledged that this will not always be an expectation of our relationship, but just a temporary thing to build some communication about something non-threatening.
     
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  20. It's actually not a high bar. John Gottman (also known as like the king of relationships) says that when a betrayal occurs there is a high level of accountability needed for the betrayed to feel safe. If the betrayer/unfaithful wants to repair the relationship they must endure this high level of accountability no matter how long it takes for the betrayed to feel safe. Again this is all on the betrayer.... the betrayer must choose whether or not the relationship is worth it. Does he truly want the relationship? If so, he will do what he must to restore the relationship.

    This was from his book What Makes Love Last? in his chapter on infidelity and betrayal
     

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