Journal

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Struggling with my confidence today. Weekends are usually great, but the stress from the work week (and being away from my SO) can trigger past memories, bad experiences, and just a lot of sadness, anger, and anxiety.

    In these moments, I feel like I wasn’t enough for my SO. My breasts are too small, my ass is too small, I’m not sexual enough, or whatever.

    I feel like my SO wanted to cheat (and did! IMO) and how could he do that if he loves me?

    How could he lie to my face and violate boundaries and promises if he loves me?
     
  2. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    For the record, nothing new happened—he says he’s been 9mo+ clean from PMO and hasn’t ogled since, January-ish?
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
    kropo82 likes this.
  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    And doesn’t that suck that 9 months isn’t enough to help me feel “normal” again? I’m still sad and struggling and it’s hard because he is healing and feeling better and I am still recovering.
     
  4. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I think every SO wants an answer for this. I've struggled with it for a very long time. The best explanation I have come up with so far is that, somehow, they are able to completely separate all of this in their mind. I know it doesn't really make sense to non-addicts, but they can have one compartment where they have you and they love you and everything is grand, but at the same time, there's this other compartment where they keep the addiction and all that goes with it. The two parts never mix. So, when they are feeding the addiction and acting out, they are only in that second compartment. And, afterwards or any other time, they hang out in the first one.

    That isn't the best way to answer your question, I know. Maybe one of the PA's can explain it more clearly?
     
  5. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    The thing that sucks most about being an SO to a PA is the amount of lying that happened. Because of all the lies, I feel like “The Woman Destroyed”.

    One of the first DDays for us was May 2018. This is when the blocks were put in place.

    Then again end of June 2018. This is when I added a PSub website to the blocked sites list. The again, end of June, we deleted IG bc of its use as a PSub.

    Then, in July 2018, I discovered an app to meet cougars that was downloaded & subsequently deleted in March 2018. So we deleted all social media and the ability to download apps over a certain age restriction.

    Then, in October 2018, he confessed to me that he was still ogling, still had urges, still had flashbacks. He told me that over the summer, he had brought his computer and his XBox in his room once each (to send an email to me and to play games out of frustration). No tech in his room was a big deal for us since I was traveling a lot and didn’t want to monitor everything. I broke his XBox out of anger and frustration.

    It is so hard to be sitting there telling him “you can talk to me” and “it would be normal if you had urges..” and “really? Because a lot of guys say...” And him just lying and saying “well I’m not other guys”.

    He says, “well I didn’t want to be a burden” “i thought I could handle it by myself” “I was embarrassed”.

    But, really? Cause you’re a burden now!! Now, I can’t trust a word you say say because you lied to my face several times.

    The last time he lied (and was caught), was in january 2019 (ish). He had received some porn spam and saw it (and didn’t open it or do anything with it), and I saw it and he told me he wanted to wait to tell me at a time when I would be “least upset”. I still consider that a lie of omission because I’ve asked him to be hyper-honest for a bit to make up for all the lies.

    And, I keep saying, he’s been clean for 9 months and that’s great. But, I’m not sure he’s not still lying and that’s where most of the pain is anyway.
     
  6. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This kind of thing is so aggravating. Why is it so difficult to understand that "waiting" to tell you when you'll be "least upset" means they already passed the time when you'll be least upset because you want to know right away??
     
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  7. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Amen!!
     
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  8. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Compartmentalizing is definitely a thing, and you describe it very well. Denial is also incredibly powerful. The only person I lied to more than my wife during my years of active addiction was myself. I do not excuse any of my behavior. Nonetheless, I was seriously self-deluded about the seriousness of my problem.

    We live and we learn. Things get broken along the way. We muddle through. But love is also real, and there is always hope. That has been my experience, at least.
     
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  9. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the support and insight @hope4healing and @Tao Jones ! Always love hearing from others and getting their insight.

    Yesterday, my SO came back from his SAA meeting with some amazing insights. He said that he has somewhat been on “autopilot” these last 9 months and has been SOBER, but that now he wants to own and focus more on his RECOVERY.

    He was empathetic, he named his impact on me, he named new reflections and action steps (he wants to get a more official sponsor to take some of the burden off of me and to be pushed by another person), he’s going to start going to a larger SAA meeting, and he’s going to more regularly listen to his podcasts.

    I’m away for the weekend, so he also shared his plan for success with me. He is going to keep himself busy with friends, family, and is not bringing his tech from work home. He also named that he is aware that we may not have easy moments this weekend and he is prepared to react to any anxiety or questions I may have in a mature and understanding way.

    I still am anxious, but I am grateful for his growth, awareness, effort, and change.
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    That’s great to hear/read. Have a wonderful weekend.
     
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  11. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    An in-person sponsor via his SAA group would be ideal, I think. If I could ever serve him as an additional online AP/sponsor, it would be a privilege to do so. Feel free to have him shoot me a DM on here any time.
     
  12. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much! He’s not on the site, but I will direct him your way if he ever chooses to join!
     
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  13. Iambrain

    Iambrain Fapstronaut

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    We are all sinners. Judge not lest ye be judged. You must forgive him for everything. even if he does PMO then lie about it. The only way to stop the pain is to truly forgive.
    Trust me raising a family is the hardest thing ive tried and no one is perfect or free from sin. The reason you cant focus and those thoughts are intrusive is because you arent forgiving him. If you want it to stop you must forgive. I know im repeating myself but i promise you once you do it will be the best feeling youve ever had. If youre like me then it might be the first time youve felt it. If you feel like its impossible pray for it and seek it. Its the only answer for the way you feel. Dont let anger consume your spirit.
     
  14. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I forgave my husband numerous times, and it kept happening. The reason for the intrusive thoughts is because of betrayal trauma that happens when you're repeatedly lied to and hurt over and over. Yes, forgiving can be helpful, but it alone does not cure betrayal trauma.
     
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  15. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @Iambrain thank you for the advice but I agree with @hope4healing .

    I remember the first time my SO confessed to me about using P after he said he would stop. We took the steps of adding blocks on his phone and when out the next day as if nothing happened. I forgave him instantly.

    I forgave him again and again and again and again. More times than he or I could count. I still forgive him.

    I don’t think it’s a lack of forgiveness—it’s a lack of trust from being lied to so many times. It’s a lot of anxiety, it’s a lot of comparing myself to other women...

    Even now I was watching a talk show and there was this large breasted 47 year old woman and that hits two of my SO’s fetishes: “cougars” and “big breasts”. Neither of which I am/have. I’m not even with my SO and I was triggered.

    He insists he doesn’t like that anymore and finds that features he used to like in P are “absolutely disgusting” to him now.

    But, I read so many posts of guys saying so many positive things about P: “glorious” “amazing” “sexy” “hot”. I never thought P Stars were that attractive, but I’m starting to think that I must be wrong.

    So it’s interesting bc my SO says all the stuff that used to turn him on now turns him off, but I feel like MY view of what’s attractive is warped. Someone I used to thing was unattractive is now a threat to me.

    Really tough to always be so full of doubt of myself (though I am constantly told I am attractive both in face and body) and so full of doubt of my own views.
     
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  16. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    We are to forgive. There is no similar injunction to forget. There is a difference.
     
  17. Iambrain

    Iambrain Fapstronaut

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    The only way to stop the betrayal trauma pains is to forgive and choose to move on. In my experience its the only way i got those thoughts of betrayal out. We must focus on what we control. You cant control your SO. Especially true when theyre having problems controlling themselves. The only thing we have control over us out our responses. You must continue to forgive if cant pray until you can. Even if it happens 7 times a day. Its the hardest most rewarding thing a human can do is to forgive.
     
  18. Iambrain

    Iambrain Fapstronaut

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    Aboslutely! You cant forgive if you forget. Its impossible. I used to think i forgave people. Nah i was just forgetting so i didnt have to work that hard to actually forgive. You must remember and forgive. I was 33 yrs old the first time i forgave someone its not easy.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  19. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Crickey Charlie! good job we all have our minds eh!
     
  20. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Fuck this. I hate weekends away.
     

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