Journal

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I have been using NoFap as a way to connect with other partners who are struggling with their partner’s addiction and as a way to understand my own partner.

    I’m sitting at work MISERABLE because it’s so hard to be present and confident and happy lately.

    I figured it may be time to write down some more of my thoughts itstead of keeping it bottled in.

    More to come.
     
  2. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Don't bottle how you feel, even what you think is rambling (I do it every day here lol), helps you and us all and the addicts.

    Don't be miserable, we're all in this together and try to smile. I'm always here if you need to talk. :)
     
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  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for support @SOofanaddict I enjoy reading your journal and appreciate your comments, insights, etc. I’m here for you too :)

    So, where to begin?

    The trauma I am experiencing with my SO did not start with my current So. This seems to be the case for many of us here. The trauma actually started with my dad. I grew up in the 90s and I remember being soo excited when my dad brought our first computer into the house. We were not a rich family by any means, but somehow we were one of the first to have a computer. I remember my sister and I playing games on it and I was ready to go for Computer Class. It felt exciting!

    Fast forward a few years to 4th grade and I remember going into my dad’s store (he was a small business owner) and seeing the background of my dad’s computer: Cindy Crawford sopping wet in a red bathing suit. My older sister and I reacted strongly and fought with my dad (his defense? One of the guys that worked for him changed it and he “didn’t know” how to change it back) while I remember my mom brushing it off. My mom later took action by changing the background of our computer to Richard Gere in a Speedo. Though I find this laughable as an adult going through this, 9 year old me did not really like being sandwiched in between digitized female sexuality and male sexuality. Moving onto 6th grade, my dad developed a strong internet addiction with playing games online and chatting to other players (mostly women). He would make us leave his mother’s (my grandmother’s) home early which was so different from his usual self that would have to be forced to leave by my mom. He would fight with my older sister while she was working in her AP high school homework. When my mom left the country to help out her dying father, I had a nightmare and went downstairs where my dad was on the computer and before I could hit the final step, I was yelled at to go to sleep. We even met one of the women he chatted with online as a family. I remember spending the entire time in her bathroom with my mom and sisters wanting to leave. I can’t believe my mom tolerated it. It all culminated one night where my mom urged my dad to leave the computer and go to bed, he yelled at her that he wanted a divorce. She went upstairs quietly and went to sleep. He apologized several times and I have never seen him this obsessed with the computer again.

    Fast forward to my senior year of college: I visited my dad’s store and needed to use his computer for school. Upon logging on, I found two P sites in the most frequently visited sites. I left him a note about being a hypocritical Catholic and stormed out of his store. I later received a call from one of the guys he worked with saying that it was him and another guy “messing around” on the internet. My mom bought it and believed my dad. I’m not sure if I ever did.

    So you see, the start of my trauma begins with the entry of technology in our family home. Over time, our family became distanced from one another and found our own ways to protect themselves. My devoutly Catholic dad became obsessed with technology and chose it over his family, my mom stopped sleeping in the same bed as my dad, my older sister went away to college and never looked back, I became rebellious and got too involved with boys too quickly, and my little sister stuck to my dad like glue and defended him at any cost. My older sister and I competed for our mothers attention.

    To me, technology=the death of family.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey deannab106...yup...we’re all in this together...arg...I spoke with a CSAT the day...he said “as alcoholism was in the 1030’s prior to the A.A. Program that’s what sex addiction is to the 2000’s . As therapists were facing a tsunami of clients, marriage breakdowns ,and deviant behaviours .”
    So rest assured you’re not alone, your feelings, emotions and physical well being is of the utmost importance. As SOofanaddict stated...ramble and don’t keep your emotions bottled up. Shine a light on your fears, doubts and insecurities you will find they are greatly minimized when shared with like minded people. AND...we are your like minded people.
     
  5. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    I couldn't have said it better!

    And I sooooo agree, technology is a wonderful thing when used minimally and properly but overall it's just a complete soul destroyer. Kids don't go outside and play anymore and the internet bullying along with way to many ways to get caught up in P, it's just awful. Even at our middle school-aged son's school, they don't use hardback books hardly at all! It's all IPads and I REFUSE to learn how to use one to help my kids. I request the paper books. Our oldest girls are in their 20s and I had to teach them how to write checks and even sign their names, because they aren't being taught that at school anymore. It's all about technology. Tech is great, saves lives and helps research but it is a huge downfall in home for sure.

    Thanks for sharing your beginnings, @deannab106, I'm sorry to hear it was so hard. Stay strong and beautiful, know you are loved, sending hugs to you for a better afternoon and evening!
     
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  6. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @Lostneverland thank you for being a likeminded person I can talk to :)

    @SOofanaddict i don’t have any children, but I’m a teacher and I am terrified for the I have children. So sad to hear about the things our kids are exposed to because of the availability of the internet.

    Alright, on the subway for a long commute and I got a lot to say, so time to pick up and let it out.

    As a teenager, I never really grew to like my dad. It was definitely some of the trauma coupled with the fact that he was extremely judgmental, easy to anger, and strict to an irrational point.

    I dated around but got into my first serious relationship at 16. At some point, my bf at the time confessed to me that he watched or had watched P. From this distant memory, I think he said he did it twice. This was before the time of smartphones and laptops assigned to every kid. I remember crying and asking him not to do this anymore. He promised and it was not an issue until my freshmen year of college when I received a call at 1-2 am from my crying boyfriend telling me that he just PMOed. I remember just crying, “whhyyyyy?” At 18, I admire his honesty and wish that my full-adult SO would have had this level of guilt, honesty, and respect for me and our relationship. We spoke to important adults in our lives (our moms were the most supportive, his father cautioned him against letting me “control him”), prayed, and developed an action plan. The trust was built back fairly quickly and I only remember two instances which felt a little shady.

    This was college and I remember going to a lot of fraternity parties and seeing all the playboys in the bathroom. After 4 years of relationship, my 20 year old self wanted to be single but felt tied down because I figured I would never find someone who would be p-free or at least this honest about it.

    Ironically, I cheated on him. I met someone else and did not know how to maturely break it off. I confessed instantly to him and suggested we break up. He was sad and angry, but he agreed. We kept in touch a little after the break up and I remember him showing me a P dvd he had purchased to cope.

    I had no room to judge as I continued a lifestyle I figured was expected of me in college.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey Deannab106...I think you’re being too hard on yourself. College days are days of fun and exploration as well as learning. You have your morals,and values and know what is and isn’t acceptable sexual behaviour between two consenting adults.

    Ya..the computer world has opened up a whole new world of pornography . It’s downright scary. I recently watched a documentary on the employees in Silicon Valley. Their children all go to private schools with no computers. The children all use the abacus for math. The employees of Apple, Google, and other corporations were asked why? They each stated that computers and various programs are designed to hook children and obviously adults by their fast movements and fast image changes. Commercials have even been shorten to 30 second time slots as opposed to 60 seconds in length, reason being people are developing attention spans of a goldfish. That’s why you’ll see one commercial, a different one and then the first one again.

    This program also interviewed a young boy 15 who had a college scholarship, oodles of friends and how he blew it because he became addicted to video games. He ended up losing his scholarship,friends and he can’t carry a cell phone ,his brain chemistry has completely changed. His parents put him in a rehab facility for three months, but it’s a constant battle for him.

    We all have patterns of behaviour imprinted upon us by our parents. Some behaviours are conscience, some not so much. For me, my entire family had addiction issues ranging from alcohol, opiates,womanizing, and sexual identity disorders, possibly brought on by porn. I stayed away from the drugs and alcohol, but I did have fun in college and I am a smoker.

    My PA...had family issues of no talking about sex, it was dirty, extreme physical abuse and extreme religious hell fire and brimstone. I look back knowing what I know now..and it seems we were designed to meet...me open about talking about sexuality and him closed and secretive ...hiding !!!

    The more you can learn about your family, background and upbringing the more you’ll see your patterns of behaviour. We are in some ways not that far removed from baby ducks (wink,wink)

    Be good to you...learn and grow from your errors of judgement and most important FORGIVE yourself...I mean honestly...when your a great gramma talking to your great grandkids about your college days, ya just gotta have some good stories. (Jk)

    Take care and I bet you’re a GREAT TEACHER.
     
    SOofanaddict likes this.
  8. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    I think we all go through the wild ages as young people, it's how we look at it during and how wild we get. For sure it made things hard with your family history. I agree, don't be hard on yourself, forgive, learn and grow :)

    And holy wow, our 12 year old with the school iPad, that's supposed to be totally watched over and so many locks put on it and whatnot to keep the kids from seeing anything over PG material, yea...our son was AT SCHOOL on a website the teacher told them to flip to, and from what he said a picture came up of 2 naked people but they were blurred out. Like serious?!

    Oh the hell that school got on that. grrrr. It's everywhere and horrible.

    thanks for sharing, don't stop, it's super helpful to you and to others :)
     
  9. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @Lostneverland and @SOofanaddict thank you so much for being so sweet and supportive! I’m over punishing myself for it now and, in many ways, I’m happy I had those experiences because they solidified who I want to be currently. And, overall, I like who

    I am! I am a great teacher :) my kids and I get along so well and they have been great gains in the classroom. I am one of those teachers who makes their kids work without a laptop. I find that they actually have more fun and learn more! I found that article on Silicon Valley kids and sent it to my sister who has a one year old.

    And, I agree, that it takes a lot of work to monitor patterns of behavior between a couple in a relationship. My SO is sooo quiet. He grew up thinking he was ugly and isolating himself in video games, comic books, and P. He grew up in a poor, under resources, and sometimes dangerous neighborhood in Brooklyn, so a lot of his first sexual experiences were not positive (one girl giving a blowjob to several guys on a rooftop, dating a girl who wasn’t attracted to because she had large breasts, watching his dad cheat on his mom twice). His parents are still together, but they are very introverted and reclusive. His dad still cat calls women on the street in front of my SO. His approach was to be quiet and stay to himself. He is a great guy, so when I found out about some of the things he did both before me and during me, I was surprised! Still healing...

    Me? Though I grew up in a strict household with family problems, my dad and mom stayed together, worked it out, and talked about how close they were and the battle that was marriage. I went to an all girls school for high school so I became very outspoken. There is a saying in Spanish “yo no tengo pepitas en la lengua” (essentially, I don’t have speedbumps on my tongue to censor me or slow me down).
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Lol....I like that, no speed bumps on your tongue. Perfect, absolutely perfect. You’re a mover and a shaker.
     
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  11. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Alright. So let’s continue where I left off...

    After having my “fun”, I found myself in another relationship. I was still trying to balance the persona of “fun” and “relationship material”. This SO was pretty open about his P use and even had a stupid “club” with his friends called Porno Thursdays where they would gather round and watch P together. In many ways, this dumb and disgusting club made P less threatening. It felt like if people were watching it in a group it was more silly than sexual. So, I went along with it for a while and, while I never attended a meeting, I did have a sticker posted on my fridge.

    What I found through this experience was that P was way worse than it seemed. He promised me it was more of a silly thing (like I had assumed), but when we started to get more serious, I decided I was ready to leave that “silliness” behind. He did not agree but pretended to. I remember a friend in college told me that “all guys either watch P or lie about not watching P” and I asked my bf and he denied it, claiming he was different. It was a long relationship of finding things on Netflix, his Xbox’s internet history, his emails, and his Facebook messages.

    Needless to say, it ended and I found myself single again.

    I spent a summer working in NYC. It was my 13yo self’s dream to live here one day, so I was thriving! I made friends with a gay guy who convinced me that P wasn’t so bad and I should give it a chance.

    Being an open minded individual, I did. I watched straight couples, gay couples, lesbian couples, and P “made for women” (the fact that this is even a special genre should raise red flags). Nothing really “worked” for me and I was left mostly disgusted by the crudeness of it. I gave up on this endeavor and decided I was right: it was crass, disgusting, and definitely not for me.
     
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  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You go girl...that’s how you learn about who you are, and what your limits and boundaries are.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  13. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for all the encouragement @Lostneverland ! Means a lot!

    Alright, so moving along with my story—here I am single and closer to who I want to be. I was single for four years and had moved away from my hometown and closer to NYC. I like to say these single years were some of the best years of my life. Though I remember some tears over not having someone at weddings or during the holidays, it was refreshing to be so far away from home, closer to my dream city, and away from my exes and my family. During that time, I picked up running and ran two half marathon, traveled to Iceland and Puerto Rico, and took my first solo trip to San Francisco. I developed some very strong friendships that felt like family and was well respected at my job. I was comfortable being alone with myself and I was happy with who I was. I felt beautiful, smart, confident, cool, loving—-fulfilled!!! I dated here and there, but I was not having sex with anyone and was happy and balanced.

    Shortly after the Puerto Rico trio, I met up with a friend in Brooklyn for dinner and drinks. A guy approached me at the bar and we ended up talking all night. We exchanged numbers and, soon after, this transformed into a relationship.

    This relationship was like no other. He was a charismatic guy who lived in New York City and seemed soooo honest. Though he was a partier and obviously VERY sexually experienced, I was not turned off. Rather, I accepted the fact that we were young, he lived in an exciting city, and “at least he’s honest”. Honesty was and still is the most important value to me. I remember he shows me some soft core P show he used to watch and I asked him how frequently he watched it. “I used to a lot and then I realized that guys who watch that stuff aren’t usually out getting laid. I’d rather get laid. So I don’t really watch it anymore and if I do, it’s stuff like this.” I kind of breathed a sigh of relief because this felt like “healthy” P use. A part of me had resigned myself to believing that all guys watched P and couldn’t control themselves, so I was just happy he was honest, moderated, and sharing in the experience with me. I moved to NYC to be closer to him and I was happy in the city that I loved with the man I loved at the time.

    After we broke up, I realized he was a sociopath who was slowly breaking me down. This partner exposes only parts of the truth so that I would feel he was honest and then proceed to lie about other things. He kept his exes / past lovers as friends and would bring them around me or go over their place to watch a movie 1:1. He once approached a girl at a bar asking if she was checking me out and when her boyfriend defensively came over, he expressed that he was trying to ease me into having a three some. He stayed out all night, sometimes 24-48 hours, high on cocaine or molly and failed to check in or call for days. He cheated on me, likely for the entirety of our relationship, with multiple different women. When he asked me how I ranked myself in a scale of 1-10, I stated “8” and he countered with “7.5”.

    How did I put up with this? I don’t know. I think he broke me down slowly. He made it seem like he was so honest and when I found something shady, he turned it around on me. He gaslighted me a lot. He minimized issues. He would talk to my friends and they loved him—even my mother loved him. I thought I was crazy.

    Our breakup was dramatic. He had broken his leg in three places after/during a night of partying. I didn’t know this, of course, so I took care of him in my apartment. Slowly, technology revealed his lies to me until I found some nasty text messages and kicked him out. I remember thinking damn I wish he watched more porn, maybe he wouldn’t cheat on me.

    His sister, his mom, his brother, his friends, everyone all reached out to support ME. I even met up with his ex girlfriend who shared a pretty similar story to my experience.

    This breakup was tough and I still allowed this ex into my life until the new year hit and I promised not to speak with him.

    So, here I was. Single again. Hurt by another man. This time worse than all the rest. I felt like I could trust no one.
     
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Wow...that’s rough in all areas. The sociopath is an evil tricky little monster. I’m glad you were able to escape his clutches. You’re also very fortunate to have had support from friends and family. Sociopaths are predators for sure.

    How long were you guys together? How long have you been away from him, total no contact?
     
  15. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    We were together for a year and a half. We have been broken up for about that long now and we haven’t spoken since August/September—he reached out wanting to meet up and I blocked him. I don’t have social media so we have no contact through that, but he did move into my neighborhood (same subway stop). Luckily, I only saw him once back in April and I just kept moving!
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well make sure you take care of YOU. I don’t want to be an alarmest,but sometimes these types of guys don’t give up.

    Glad you are away from him.
     
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  17. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    You are 100% correct. It’s like he never wanted to be committed to me, but he never wanted to let go of me either.

    It scares me that he moved so close to me, but my current SO and I are moving to another neighborhood in July. Very excited
     
  18. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, continuing the saga...

    This breakup kind of leads me to where I am now.

    I was single for a few months, dated here and there, had a few sexual experiences to “clean the pipes” so to speak, and was feeling pretty good about myself.

    Living in NYC as a teacher is tough, so I actually took on a side hustle of nude modeling for a small art studio. I was excited to feel comfortable with my naked body in a non-sexual way. I think for so long, nudity=sex and sexuality and I wanted to break that definition for myself. It was liberating! To be completely naked in a room and not feel violated, to feel a little chubbier or bloated at times and still see beautiful depictions of my body—-WOW!

    Two of my friends from work (one male, one female) came with me for the first session to help ease my nerves. We had drank and smoked (weed) before so I was feeling confident and comfortable.

    At the end of the session, my male friend approached me and told me how nice he thought I’d look and if I was ever interested in going out/hooking up. I said that I had thought about it before, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to disrupt the friendship or work relationship as we worked together at that time too. I stated that I’d this did happen it would NEVER be a relationship as I was enjoying being single. He said ok and that I could have some time to think.

    Two or three weeks passed before I made my decision. He traveled out of the country at the time and spoke with me every day. When we went out, he made me feel comfortable and didn’t pressure me to make my decision. Finally, after consulting a few friends, I decided “let’s do it”. This was early March.

    The entire time we were “hooking up”, it felt like he wanted more. He came over and took care of me when I was hung over, he told me about a girl he had stopped seeing, he left hickeys on me in a possessive fashion (not cool, we spoke about this), and he would come to parties and events I was at just to see me.

    Eventually, this transformed into a relationship. During the relationship, we had spoken about the fact that he watched P and he said that he watched it less when he was in a relationship. I didn’t really mind until he started experience delayed ejaculation in the bedroom. I asked him to cut back on watching P. This was the very first time I saw my sweet, caring, attached boyfriend react meanly and defensively. After arguing the entire night, he said “ok! I won’t!”

    I continued to trust this guy and he helped me through a lot, especially some of the PTSD that would come up from my previous relationship. He told me that he would help me rebuild myself from what my ex had broken.

    One day in late May this all can crashing down, he had broken out in hives and confessed to me that he had slept with someone else during our non-committed time, lied one night and said he was home when he was really at a guy friend’s house, flirted with a girl at a pizzeria without exchanging information, and still watched P.

    I was devastated, but I figured all these things were pretty forgivable and, in a weird way, the fact that he broke out into hives made me feel better. The hives went away after he confessed so I figured that was the last of it.

    He took steps after this to help me rebuild trust: he reached out to friends who had solid relationships and were good partners and had candid conversations with them, he placed blocks for adult sites on his phone, he shared his location with me on our cell phones. Things felt good.

    Until two weeks later when I found 4 or so days of using PSubs. One day was a binge. This was after he swore on his grandma and nieces life that he wasn’t using P again. Even when I found it, he attempted to lie: “oh I just clicked on this video of girls flashing bc I’ve seen the guy host other things before and I wanted to see what he was gonna do”, “oh, I just clicked on this video of a girl in a see through dress because I wanted to see where she was gonna go..” lies.

    Still, he let me add that PSub site onto the list of restricted websites and gave me unlimited access to his phone.

    Then, I went to California for work. Again, he had lied to me: about a bar he went to (names the Boobie Trap, it’s a regular bar but he lied bc he knew the name would be triggering), he lied about falling asleep when he failed to call me back one night, and he used Instagram the day he picked me up from the airport to view an IG model who had large breasts (breasts that turned him on more than mine, he once told me). This resulted in him handing over his IG account so that I could delete whoever made me uncomfortable. He lied about one girl he was interested in when we were just hooking up to keep her “oh, she’s just a friend of a friend”. I later found her number screen shot in his phone. Because of this, he deleted his Instagram entirely.

    I had to spend the summer in Chicago for work and he visited me. During that time, I searched his phone. I had gotten pretty good of exploring every area by this point. I discovered that during my first weekend away and not even one full month of us being in a committed relationship, he had downloaded an app to meet cougars. He was staying at my apartment. The app cost money so he never actually created an account. He said that he doesn’t remember this happening but he does remember watching P that weekend. He expressed that it was likely that he could have downloaded the app in the middle of his P haze and when it asked him to pay, he probably “snapped out of it”, felt guilty, and deleted it. He said he probably stashed it away in his memory and that’s why he doesn’t remember.

    Somehow, I forgave him. He deleted his Facebook. Put a block in his phone for apps rated for anyone over 14, eliminated the ability to delete downloaded apps, and gave me the password.

    It was then we spoke to my therapist who suggested he join SAA. My SO broke down at the idea that he needed to join a group but did anyway and got a therapist.

    He also downloaded an app to track his days, expanded his definition of P to “anything I use to bring me arousement that is not related to or with my partner”. He has made it to 8 months+ clean.

    I am so proud of him and he really seems to be addressing and changing his mindsets. But, it still hurts. Because of his poor memory (which occurs in other places other than this topic), I never got a full disclosure and therefore I didn’t get closure. I still have a lot of PTSD, a lot of anxiety, a lot of trust issues, a lot of questions, and a fear that maybe this relationship isn’t a good one because we got off to such a bad start. But, I see all the changes and I see the effort and think that I’ve always wanted someone who was not perfect but who was willing to change and that’s what I have.
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You have had an interesting journey so far. Do you ever wonder why you attract the type of guys you do? Please I don’t mean that sarcastically, I mean it in a way of self exploration. I had to look at my behaviour and thought I had it beat..surprise surprise...I was wrong. So very wrong. I literally jumped from one type of addict to another. Why...I asked myself. What was I missing or what did I need to learn?
    Arg...the tough mind bending questions!!!
     
  20. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I hear you! My therapist asked me the same thing. At the time, I was unsure because this SO is so different from the last one. The last one was charismatic, flirtatious, and extroverted. This one is shy, quiet, introverted.

    I realized it’s not the characteristics of their personality; rather, I attract men who need to be fixed. I think I am someone who definitely has their shit together (working since I was 15, put myself through college, workout/am fit, am celebrated at work, live in my own apartment). So I think that is very attractive to anyone. And, I’m fun too: I can party with the best of them, have tons of friends (people say I have friends everywhere I go), and can take a joke. But, I’m not easy-I’m challenging, I stand up for myself, and I make people question themselves and their behaviors (I have had atheist friends say I was the only person to explain the existence of God in a way that makes sense for them or a male friend tell me that I made feminism understandable and approachable).

    I think that’s all appealing for a guy-I’m a cool, pretty, successful, and a challenge.

    Things tend to fall apart when they realize they can’t meet my expectations despite the fact that they promised me they would. And, I get broken hearted because they essentially lied in overestimating themselves.

    I think the reason I stay with my current SO is that he seems up for the challenge. Though he has had slips, he takes action every time to make me feel safer and to learn from and prevent them.

    Things are a little extra tough now bc he just got a job with his own laptop (he didn’t have one before) and his own office. We’ve set some boundaries & consequences, but I’m so nervous.

    And, like I said, there is a good part of me that wonders if I’m stupid for staying.
     

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