Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ZackHoyt, Jun 10, 2017.

  1. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    June 10, 2017

    I'm 21 and trying NoFap for the first time now. I've tried quitting porn in the past and I could do it for a week or so, but inevitably I'd be tempted while masturbating and pop open an incognito tab. "I won't look at any nudity," I would tell myself, "I'll just google 'cleavage' or 'bikini' and look around." But that was never enough and I would slide down that slippery slope to hardcore porn again and again.

    Anyways, now I'm at a point now where I'm getting my life in order. I'm being productive and creative and working toward my goals, but I know porn is holding me back and I need to cut it out now before it undermines everything else I'm working towards. And I'm realizing now that it's too hard for me to abstain from porn while still masturbating, so they both have to go.

    I'm a Christian. I was raised in a very conservative home and attended a Christian private school until 9th grade. My parents would never talk about sex or anything relating to it, and the sex ed at my school was more conservative propaganda than education. So when I got to high school, I didn't know any of these terms my new friends were talking about. Scared of the embarrassment that would come with being exposed as the sheltered Christian kid, I turned to the internet. It would search Wikipedia and read through sex-related articles. When those didn't have what I needed, I turned to urban dictionary and other "educational" sites. These gave me the answers I was looking for, but they weren't satisfying my growing sexual urges.

    I distinctly remember one of the urban dictionary entries for 'sex' was a short piece of erotic fiction that blew my mind. It described, in detail, what sex would (supposedly) be like. Just one story wasn't enough so I clicked around and found whole novels about sex that I could read online for free. I'd find myself reading these for hours when I got home from school. They would turn me on, but I'd never touch myself. "Masturbation was the sin," I told myself, and as long as I didn't act on any of the urges, I was fine. But then I'd want images to help visualize the stories and, to make a long story a little shorter, started looking at porn. I felt guilty about it, but the shame didn't stop me.

    I moved out in university and considered masturbation for the first time. I mean, I knew what it was, but now with no parents around and a lock on my door, it became an option. I prayed about it and wrestled with it and came to the conclusion that God gave us sexuality for a reason. I think there's a convincing argument that sex between two people should be saved for marriage, but depriving myself of release was both uncomfortable and unhealthy. And as long as I didn't let porn get into the equation, it wouldn't be a problem. So I tried quitting porn and starting masturbating and as you can imagine that didn't work out as I had hoped.

    I still believe that someone can live a healthy life with masturbation, and maybe one day I'll be able to get there. But I desperately need to get porn out of my life and I can't do that without cutting out masturbation too. At least, I haven't yet and I'm sick of failing again and again. It's time for a new strategy.

    I have a full time job for the summer and lots of creative projects and hobbies to keep me occupied, so I'm confident I can hit 90 days. I haven't jerked off in the past couple of days, so I already have a head start. I also have a loving girlfriend, so orgasms are still on the table (which is good because I get pretty bad blue balls if I go without for too long). I haven't told her about nofap yet. I haven't told her about most of this, actually. She's cool with the masturbation and she knows I've watched porn in the past, but I told her it's not a problem in my life anymore. It's a lie, but I want it to be true.
     
  2. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Monday June 12, 2017

    I'm hoping to update this every day, but yesterday I had a family emergency and didn't have a chance. There's not too much to report. I've been with my girlfriend a lot this weekend so not masturbating hasn't been too difficult. We don't have sex but we do hand stuff so I still have an outlet to release. That's one of the other reasons I'm doing this, actually. My girlfriend doesn't have a whole lot of upper body strength and can't really keep up the pace I find pleasurable. She hasn't been able to get me off without me helping her out. Maybe that technically counts as masturbation, but I'm going say it's fine since there's another person actively involved; it's not me alone in my room. Anyways, when she gives me a hand job I feel desensitized to it, and I'm hoping that through not overstimulating myself, I'll get back to normal and be able to really enjoy these experiences.

    Anyways, the first few days of this haven't been too challenging, but I probably won't see my girlfriend until Sunday so this week will be my real test. Journaling seems really helpful so I'm going to try to keep that up every day. It also feels good to see my counter go up every day.
     
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  3. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Tuesday June 13, 2017

    Today wasn't bad at all. I had a couple of urges after work but I did my best to distract myself with other things. I also looked through the subreddit right when I got home to get my mindset right. There was this one post I thought might be worth talking about:

    "You aren't with real people. You aren't having real sex. You aren't gaining confidence. When you fap, all you are doing is hurting your future self and you will eventually have to deal with that bad karma you have just created. Why would you do that? Why would you do something that is undoubtedly going to bring pain to your life? Yes, it feels good, but the suffering you cause yourself easily outweighs the pleasure."​

    I'm realizing I had a pretty healthy relationship with porn. At least, on the spectrum. I never pretended like I was having sex with the girl on camera. Well, maybe never is too strong a word. But most of the time I would be looking in as an outsider. I think it goes back to my intentions when I started down this path, and that was to educate myself so I wouldn't ever be embarrassed, by either my peers or with a future girlfriend. So I never really got into the mainstream hardcore porn. Watching fake girls with bad acting skills ride humongous dicks never really did anything for me. I would look for the homemade stuff because I wanted to learn what "real sex" looked like. Or at least, that's how I justified it.

    One of my other justifications was the fear that I wouldn't be able to last very long when I eventually had sex, which is where the part about hurting your future self applies to me. I researched all sorts of tricks and techniques for prolonging my "performance." I would turn on porn, stare right at it, and try to distract myself from what I was looking at so it wouldn't excite me. I would spend an hour working myself right to the edge and then stopping and letting myself recover before doing it again. I even worked on developing my muscles to hold back an ejaculation, but I never had much success with that one. But the other stuff worked pretty well and I'm sure my girlfriend will appreciate once we do have sex, but for now it's just inconvenient. She physically can't jerk me off at a fast pace for 20+ minutes, which is what I've been conditioned to need. I'm really hoping that these 90+ days without masturbating will help set me back to normal.
     
  4. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Wednesday, June 14, 2017

    I think today was the hardest day yet. There was this hot girl on the bus home from work and then I checked out this gym that a friend and I might get a membership at and it was just yoga pants and sports bras. But even then, the temptation wasn't unbearable. I just buried myself in my productivity and I'm feeling pretty good.

    There was a change of plans and my girlfriend is coming over tomorrow night. I'm so busy before hand that I won't even have the opportunity to relapse, so I basically made it another day. It's good it won't be a week before I see her again, but was also kinda excited to see what a week without an orgasm will be like. I don't know when the last time that happened was. It might have been three years ago before I started masturbating. That's kind of sad, actually.

    Speaking of weeks, I'm almost through my first one. Six days and going strong. Honestly, this hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Now's as good a time as any to really clearly outline my objectives in giving up porn and masturbation.

    1. To get porn out of my life for good. It's gross and shameful and damaging. The instant gratification and over-stimulation will have an effect on my sexual relationships and my motivation in general. I want to be driven and productive in my life, and that requires cutting out porn.

    2. To reset my tolerance for stimulation. Like I've mentioned before, it takes a lot to make me cum. I want to be able to orgasm in a reasonable amount of time so sex won't seem like a chore for all involved.

    3. Honesty. I don't like that I'm hiding a part of my life from people I care about. I hate lying to cover up something shameful. That's always a red flag that I'm doing something wrong.

    And I want to be clear here: I don't think "not fapping" is going to give me superpowers. I think breaking my porn addiction will free me from a lot of the things holding me back, and I think to do that, I need to give up masturbation. It's too hard for me to just quit porn; the two are too closely linked. In 90 days, once I've achieved my goals, I may go back to masturbating again. As long as it won't cause a porn-relapse, I don't see any reason why I can't have a healthy relationship with casual masturbation. But that qualification is the priority.
     
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  5. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Friday June 16, 2017

    I didn't get a chance to post yesterday because like I said I was busy all day and my girlfriend and I didn't get back to my house until midnight. This entry will be for yesterday and then tonight I'll do one for today.

    Anyways, yesterday was a long day and my balls were begging for release the whole time. Fortunately I was out in public so I couldn't do anything. If I have privacy next time I go this long without orgasming, I don't know that I'll make it. It's a challenge I'm looking forward to overcoming, but it's going to be a struggle.

    Anyways, the end of the day was a bit of a success story: my girlfriend made me cum (mostly) all by herself! It wasn't easy or anything but we got there, and she did the end which is usually when I take over. I know I'm still far from where I want to be and that it's going to be difficult, but it's nice to see some encouraging results already.
     
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  6. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Friday June 16, 2017 (Part 2)

    Today was not as easy as I expected. I kept coming across things that would have... I don't know if 'triggered' is the right word but these were things that would have led me down the path to PMO in the past. But I held out and kept the streak alive.

    I'm still so tired from last night so I'm just going to crash. I made it through and that's what's matters. I'll deal with tomorrow when I get there.
     
  7. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Sunday, June 18, 2017

    The past two days were good. I spent both with my girlfriend and had a really nice time. Last night we met up with an old friend and didn't get in until late (which is why I didn't post a journal entry). When we did finally get in she gave me a hand job for a bit and I ended up finishing it since she was really tired. Today I didn't feel horny at all which was good. I think my body is adjusting to not orgasming every day. Hopefully that makes things easier. My girlfriend is staying over again tomorrow night so if I'm feeling like it I'll probably have another orgasm that should last me until I see her again. I like that an orgasm is now something precious. It's something to look forward to and truly appreciate. I know before I said I would go back to masturbating after these 90 days but I like that orgasms have become a special thing to share with my girlfriend. I don't know that I want to give that up.
     
  8. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    June 20, 2017

    I missed my journal again yesterday because I was so busy working on things. That's a good problem, right? I'm being way more productive now, but I'm taking on so much it's been hard to find a balance. It's good because it leaves zero time for porn, but I still want to get better at managing my projects so I can get everything done. Anyways, yesterday was good. I wasn't super horny but my girlfriend was around so she helped me out. She's been staying at my house for the past few days so it's been easy mode, but even then it's not like I have to cum everyday. It had been two days yesterday but I could have easily gone another one. A part of me wants to see how long I could go without an orgasm, but I think it would be wisest to just make it through these 90 days without relapsing. We'll see. When the school year comes, I may have to go as long as two or three weeks without seeing my girlfriend, so I should prepare myself for that. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's only been 12 days without porn. Maybe when I get to 30 I'll maybe look at pushing my "endurance." But I need to keep focused on the real goal which is to never watch porn again. I can't forget that.
     
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  9. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    June 21, 2017

    Ran out of time for this again yesterday. There are just so many things I want to do! In the past I would stay up super late to get things done, but I'm trying to get to bed by midnight so I'm not overtired for the next day. Anyways, not too much to report on the nofap-front. I had a moment where I was thinking about how it would feel to just binge on porn and self-pleasure, but I stopped that line of thinking pretty quick. I'm done with that life and I don't want to go back. It feels good for the moment but it's not worth it.
    My girlfriend stayed over and I guess I could have had an orgasm but I didn't really want one. Also tonight is the last time I'll see her until probably Monday so I figured save it for tonight to make that stretch as comfortable as possible. It's going to be a challenge though. Five days is a long time and like I've said I get pretty bad blue balls. I'm sure I won't watch porn but not giving myself release... we'll have to see.
     
  10. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Friday June 23, 2017

    I've been slacking on these journals. I've been busy being productive which is great, but also things have been going pretty well and I honestly feel like writing every day about how easy it's been is just a waste of time. But this weekend is going to be a struggle. I'm on my second day without an orgasm and I have at least three more to go. I need to refocus and remind myself why I'm doing this so I'll stay motivated.

    One thing I love about being a Christian (this will come back around to NoFap, I promise) is it's not about getting as close to the line as you can. If there is a threshold for "being a good person" or "getting into heaven" (which there isn't), Christianity isn't a game of pushing up against that line without crossing. At least, it shouldn't be. The goal is to get as far away from sin as possible. To run farther, climb higher, and dive deeper into holiness. Because there isn't a measure we can reach to earn God's acceptance. The standard is perfection, and we all fall depressingly short. Lucky for us, God is so merciful he sent his son to take our place and I'm sure you've heard all this before. I only bring it up because I'm not abstaining from masturbation because it's a sin; it's healthy and normal and causes me no guilt on my conscience. But the reason I'm not partaking in that is because, for me, it makes resisting porn so much harder. And my real goal here is to honour God with my life. I'm so grateful for what He's done for me that I want to offer myself as a holy sacrifice. He says those who love him will obey him, so that's what I'm doing. I want to get as close to him as I can, and right now that means not masturbating.

    My issue is that masturbating once won't really hurt me. If I'm really craving it tomorrow, and I jerk off quick without porn and then go back to my life, nothing is going to fall apart. I'm not going to descend into a weekend of binge-watching porn and relapse back to square one. It's so hard to motivate myself because at this point I'm just holding out to prove I can do it. But so what? Maybe I can't go more than a couple days without orgasming, and if I don't have a partner around then I masturbate.

    But I don't want to. I want to be strong-willed and in control of my body. For the same reason people fast for periods of time, I'm showing my flesh that it doesn't rule me. There. That sounds inspiring. I'll hold onto that and if my urges get too bad, I'll just force myself to do things out of my house all weekend.
     
  11. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 16 - Saturday June 24, 2017

    I did something dumb today. It's been three days since I last orgasmed and I'm pretty horny. I was debating whether or not to watch the first episode of this new Netflix series called GLOW. It stars Alison Brie and back when I consumed porn, I remember hearing that she would be naked in it. As a big fan of Community and her in general, I was greatly looking forward to it. So I watched the pilot. I knew it was a big risk and completely unwise but I guess I was feeling up for a challenge. And it was weird I wasn't turned on at all. I was able to keep control of my thoughts and view it from this objective, almost clinical lens. The whole pilot was sexy but I never once felt the urge to jerk off. In contrast, my girlfriend just texted me about our plans for Monday and I got hard instantly. I'm craving real, human interactions and it feels great.

    I know I have a long way to go and almost two days until I get to cum again, but I'm feeling good about it. I want to prove that I can do this. I'm in control of my body, not the other way around.
     
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  12. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 17 - Sunday June 25, 2017

    Today was really hard. It's been, what, four days since I last saw my girlfriend? This is the longest I've gone without cumming in... maybe years. But it feels so good to be in control of my flesh. There's a Twenty One Pilots song that I've been thinking about. It's about depression and suicide but I think it applies here:

    "Fight it
    Take the pain, ignite it
    Tie a noose around your mind
    Loose enough to breath fine and tie it
    To a tree, tell it you belong to me
    This ain't a noose, this is a leash
    And I have new for you, you must obey me!"​

    First off, I just love their poetry. It's so good at illustrating a simple point in a compelling way. And here I just love the imagery. I'm not beholden to the desires of my flesh. Rather, it's a slave to me. So yeah, I'm craving an orgasm but it feels so good to stare down that urge and show it who calls the shots. And in other news, I see my girlfriend tomorrow and the wait is going to be oh so worth it.
     
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  13. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    Loved going through your journal, Its good to see you gaining control of your mind and taking responsibility for your actions! Stay on the grind and keep rocking!
     
  14. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Hey thanks. I appreciate the support!
     
  15. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 23 - Saturday July 1, 2017

    I didn't mean to go almost a whole week without posting here but I guess that's what happens when I'm busy and not worrying about porn in the slightest. My girlfriend was over a lot and the five days of abstinence leading up to it were such a struggle that I guess I needed a break. Whenever I feel like I'm at risk of masturbating, I'll be sure to post here and make sure I'm focused on the goal. But checking in five days in a row to say, "My girlfriend gave me a handjob! Everything is great!" doesn't seem like a good use of anyone's time.

    Every once in a while I get urges to masturbate, but porn is so far off my radar now and it feels so good. I love that I have time and motivation to accomplish my goals, but the feeling is so foreign to me that right now it's a struggle to structure my time most effectively. I've never been one for schedules so porn isn't the only habit I need work on. But compared to a month ago, these are great problems to have.
     
  16. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 26 - Tuesday July 4, 2017

    Wow. Yesterday I had the best orgasm I've ever had. My girlfriend has been working on her technique, but I think the fact that I'm not constantly over-stimulating myself (physically and visually) is definitely a factor. It just feels so much better when someone else does touches me that it's worth waiting a few days in between. It's also harder. When she does it, it feels like I plateau right on the edge for... I don't know anywhere from ten to thirty seconds, and if she can get me over it the orgasm is so intense. But if I have to finish the job, it's much quicker and less pleasurable.

    It's almost been four weeks and I do not regret giving up porn and masturbation in the slightest. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been rewarding.
     
  17. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 2 - Monday February 5, 2018

    I've been dreading coming back to this journal.

    Partly because I relapsed and am disappointed in myself. I had been doing so well and then spent the next six months falling back into a cycle of porn and masturbation. It's such a waste of time and a harm to my brain and my life and my productivity. Coming back here is to acknowledge all of that. To really come to terms with my failure.

    But mostly I dreaded writing this entry because I knew it would fix everything. I don't know why there's a part of me that doesn't want to be happy and productive and successful, but there is. There's something in me that lusts to stay in bed jerking off when I should be doing important things. It loves missing deadlines and disappointing people. And it knows that if I get back on the nofap grind, it will die. When I write these journals it holds me accountable and forces me to be mindful of my goals. Last summer I wrote a screenplay in those 30+ days. Since then I've maybe written five pages. When I don't give in to that craving for pleasure and instant gratification, I can accomplish so much.

    So that's my new goal: kill the monster in me that lusts for mediocrity.

    No porn or masturbation for 90 days. Then the rest of my life.

    Let's do this.
     
  18. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 1 - Sunday, February 11, 2018

    I had a relapse. It's okay. I'm back and that's what matters.

    I've had some personal stuff going on that's put things into perspective. I realize how important it is that I abstain from porn and masturbation, so I'm going to.

    90 days, starting now.
     
  19. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 3 - Tuesday, February 13

    I'm feeling pretty good. Some urges but I've been shutting them down pretty well. Like I said, I understand the gravity of this effort. I know how damaging the consequences of failure are. At some point I'll go into detail on what exactly happened this weekend, but for now I'm just checking in and reminding myself what I'm fighting for. I'm committed to posting here every day, even if it's just to say things are good. I've realized if I don't check in on the easy days, it's harder to survive the challenging ones.

    3 days down, 87 to go.
     
  20. ZackHoyt

    ZackHoyt Fapstronaut

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    Day 4 - Wednesday, February 14

    Wow that was rough. I could feel an urge coming on just as I was leaving the house and the whole time I was out my balls were just BEGGING for release. I'm home now and it's passed but all I can say is I'm glad I wasn't home. I don't know if I would have made it if I had the option to give in.

    Today is Valentine's Day, which is an appropriate time to get into some of the personal details I mentioned before: On Saturday my girlfriend came over and wanted to break up with me. I've known her since I was three years old and we've been dating since the summer of 2016. I thought what we had was really special, and I thought she did too. I'm not going to use this journal to dump my feelings (I have other places for that), but obviously this does pertain to masturbation and nofap so I'd like to talk about that here.

    I did my best to understand why she wanted this and what I could do to fix things. In the end, I convinced her we shouldn't end things. Given that I was completely blindsided by her revelation (and she did a terrible job explaining herself), I'd say I did just fine. We talked things through over the next couple days and I've started to piece together why.

    But first, you need some context. When we started dating, she was very broken. And I did so much to help her get better. She was in a very dark place a few months into our relationship and she told me I'm the reason she didn't hurt herself. She's said things like, "You were the first person who made me believe I might be worth loving." And I am so happy I got to be that person for her. I love helping people I love. I love this narrative that I'm this Superhero Boyfriend ready to be her saviour whenever she needs it. That I'm the perfect guy. I can help her with anything and never need any help from her.

    Obviously, that's just a fantasy. Even though they weren't as big as hers, I have my own flaws. And over the last year she has worked so hard to fix herself. She's been rebuilding herself into this beautiful, strong person that we both love. Meanwhile, I've been stagnating. I fell back into porn and masturbation which completely thwarted my motivation and productivity. I'm bored by anything that doesn't challenge me, but challenges come with a risk of failure and that terrifies me. So I procrastinated things I knew I should do and didn't accomplish anything meaningful. And to top it all off, I couldn't be vulnerable about these things with her because that would shatter my Superhero Boyfriend facade.

    All she could see were the surface issues, and anytime she tried to help me I would shut her out. I would think, "I can solve these problems on my own and then I'll actually be the person I've been pretending I am. No harm, no foul." Turns out she doesn't appreciate being kept out. She said she needs me to be vulnerable and honest with her, or she can't be authentic around me. She saw me stagnating and resisting her help and thought that meant I didn't want to change. And she didn't want my only motivation for changing to be making her happy, because that will only lead to resentment. So her only option was to break up.

    She made a lot of assumptions in her own head and I really wish she would have talked with me about it first. We had always talked about how if we broke up it would be because discussed it and decided it was the best thing to do. That was the deal. I never got jealous of any guys she hangs out with because I knew I had worked so hard to make sure I treated her better than anyone else could. That I knew what made her smile and laugh on a deeper level than they did. I put a lot of work into this relationship. I've put up with a lot of her bullshit because I knew she was working through some things. And now I'm the one broken by comparison, and her first choice is to cut me out. I thought she would at least talk to me about our issues first. I thought we had a deal.

    She didn't even seem excited when I suggested we try to fix things. I thought what we had was worth fighting for, but if she doesn't then maybe it's not.

    I don't know if we should break up or if we should stay together. I don't know what I want right now. But I know for sure that I have to get porn out of my life. It's jeopardizing everything I care about.

    4 days down, 86 to go.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2018

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