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Journal of Thor’s Wife -as told by Thor

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Nov 1, 2018.

  1. Hi
    This is the fictional journal of Thor’s Wife.
    I’m Thor. My wife has been through a tough marriage with me and I think it might give me empathy if I were to try and tell her side of the story.

    A lot of you follow me and think I’m a pretty good guy because I’m working on recovering from this addiction.
    Well, we are all worthy of love and forgiveness it’s true.
    But i feel like I might be giving you the wrong impression of my wife.
    If she were here to tell her side of the story, you would likely have a different impression.

    I know none of you know me IRL, but I think if I try to write the story of our relationship from her point of view, it might help me be more patient and empathetic when my efforts to connect are not received well...

    REMEMBER...THIS IS NOT REALLY MY WIFE... its just me :)
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    WOW , that is a cool idea . To write from what you THINK is her point of view ;)
     
    Jennica, Numb, Reverent and 1 other person like this.
  3. So, where to begin...
    The first time i knew my husband looked at porn was soon after we were married. I was 20 and nieve. He tried to get me to look at some pictures he found on the internet and talk about what I thought about them. I told him I wasn’t interested in that and he shouldn’t look at it either.
    He always was making some sexual joke or inuendo though.
    It seemed like sex was always on his mind.
    He compared me to other girls too.
    He said, “Why don’t you wear short shorts like so-and-so”.
    Then some years later, when our first child was born, we didn’t have sex for a couple of months because i was still sore.
    When i told him it still hurt, he said “The doctor said it would be 6 weeks”. I felt like he didn’t care about me at all, just sex.
    Sure, he apologized, he said it was only surprise at how long I was taking to heal. But i felt like sex was the most improtant thing to him.
    Then soon after, i checked the computer history one morning.
    He had gone to a ton of porn sites. I told him what I saw, i asked if we needed to get rid of the internet. He just was quiet and looked ashamed. I didn’t want to be to hard on him. Maybe it had been really tough with me not being available for sex. I felt like maybe I wasn’t enough to make him happy. But we had an new child and that took most of my focus right then. I tried not to think about it. But when I did it really hurt.
    I never was good at talking about anything hard. My family never did. My father left when I was little and I never saw him again. I was abused by my stepfather and even when my mother found out about it, she stayed with him. I felt unimportant. Now my husband only cared about me if I could have sex with him. :(

    Well, things weren’t great between us, but as long as I made time for regular sex, we could manage. Then about three years later he told me he had watched porn and masturbated the night before. He said he did it because he was feeling guilt over being abused sexually when he was a child and even into his teens. I tried tio make him feel better and explained it wasn’t his fault. But when he wanted to talk about it, i couldn’t handle it and told him I couldn’t hear it. I just couldn’t handle it. He went and talked to an eccleastical leader about it. I understand this could be tough, but i think he should have told me about this before we got married. I feel like he withheld information and tricked me into this marriage and now I’m stuck. And during all this time, my husband is blaming me for all of our problems. He is saying that I don’t love him. That I won’t do things he wants in bed. But they just make me uncomfortable. And when i do give in and let him do something he asked for, he just complains that I’m not into it! I have mental issues around sex, ok! I have to keep my mind in a certain place because I was abused. It’s not easy. But he didn’t care. He was never satisfied.
    Around this time I made a new friend. She was my kindred spirit. We really clicked. She had an abusive husband and I felt good about helping her. She didn’t judge me. She as always there for me.
    So my husband gets jealous of her. He tells me he wants me to spend less time with her, so I do. I make sure I’m home when he gets home from work. I make dinner.
    But he’s not happy. He tells me that it just hurts too much and he’s going to leave. I’m not going to be blackmailed into not having friends. So I tell him he is crazy and needs to get therapy or something because he is acting like a psycho.
    He doesn’t leave, but he stews and pouts and is always jealous of the time I spend with my friend. He kisses up to me when he wants sex, but then he gets mean and blames me for his being unhappy and melts down emotionally. It’s like living with a crazy person. He starts saying he wants to be friends, and I need to spend more time with him. So I watch an show with him but he isn’t satisfied, because i don’t act like I want to enough.
    He goes through cycles where he gets all loving and tries to hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. But I just don’t feel it.
    I don’t believe him. It’s just a matter of time till he’s going to blow up and blame all of his problems and sadness on me.
    So we like this for some time. Sometimes I just have to sleep on the couch to get away from him. He wants to talk all the time. Talk, talk, talk. I don’t want to. It doesn’t mean anything. And I just don’t like talking. I know I have my issues and I probably need therapy, but I don’t want to relive my past. When i do talk to my husband he never listens. He dismisses me. He just does whatever he wants. He complains about me spending too much money (though I will admit I’m terrible with money). But he doesn’t understand what things cost. Whatever... it’s always my fault.
    Soa few months ago he tells me he has been struggling with Masturbation since he was 13 and he’s been clean for 3 years. I don’t care. He acts like this excuses all of the behavior for like 20 years. He says he looked at porn during that time too. I told him I don’t want to hear it. It’s his problem. He did it alone for those years, he can fix it too. I’m so angry. So then he tells me he’s going to change things. I told him I don’t believe him because he does a cycle of emotional abuse. He abuses, blames, and tears me down, turns into nice guy, is apologetic, the honeymoon phase, and then it starts over.
    He says it’s going to be different this time.
    Yea right.
    So he makes this “recovery plan” based in some therapy videos.
    Thinks he’s some expert on recovery now :rolleyes:
    He went and confessed all of his stuff to our eccleastical leaders.
    Even a family member knows now. i don’t know who else.
    He said he was going to tell his friend, but I’m afraid that his friend will tell his wife and then it will get twisted and spread all over. And of course I will look like the bad guy. So I mentioned that. So he hasn’t told him yet.
    Thor is acting all weird now. Telling me I should watch this video or read this book. I don’t need his help. He’s done enough.
    He lied to me for 20 years and hid his problem. He blamed me for everything and tried to take away my support by getting rid of my friend.
    Now he is all aloof and thinks because he hasn’t had his usual meltdown for a couple months that things are going to be fine.
    I don’t think so. He gets to shovel all of his crap on me for years and now he confesses and is guilt free and “feels great” and I’m left feeling awful.
    He doesn’t complain when we go for 2-3 weeks without sex, It seems like he might not care anymore.
    He says he wants connection, but I don’t trust him.
    Plain and simple.
    I don’t know if I ever will. I feel terrible. I feel crazy.
    I think I’m pre-menopausal too. So its really hard to tell what’s what right now.
    I can’t believe he betrayed me like this. I knew he was a jerk, but not like this.
    He acts like its all behind him now.
    Well maybe it is for him, but I just found out about it. It’s right now for me!
    He keeps trying to talk abou his recovery and how good he’s doing and how great he feels and how I need to do something.
    Well good for him! I don’t give a @#$&. I told him I can’t hear about it. Talk to someone else. I’m just soooooo angry right now.
    He uses words like “triggers” and “addiction” like that excuses his conduct. He needs to take responsibility.
    Idk what i want. He is doing what I want him too. But I don’t trust it. Sometimes I feel like I can be close to him. But then I feel angry and scared out of nowhere. It feels like I’m going insane.
    He acts different like none of this bothers him. I sleep on the couch, he doesn’t complain. He just says, “I hope you feel better tomorrow”. He seems almost robotic because he just has a canned therapy response for everything. Betrayal trauma, active listening, boundaries.
    I like it that he’s not blaming me and not melting down. I like it that he’s not bugging me for sex or talking about how some woman looks. But I don’t like him being different. It’s weird.
    I don’t trust it either. The minute I let my guard down he’s going to attack.
    I’m so confused right now.
     
  4. SpouseofPA

    SpouseofPA Fapstronaut

    Wow I think you nailed how many of us feel. I haven't been on in a while and to be honest I only came on today to follow this thread since I got an email about it . But very good job. I think you nailed it especially the part about now he's acting diff and I'm not sure if I trust it. And the part of that responses seem robotic.

    Does your wife ever come on here? I'm guessing prolly no. But I thought I'd ask.
     
  5. Nope. No interest
     
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Hey Thor- this is a pretty creative way to "speak for your wife"; mad props to you, as that probably wasn't easy for you to write.

    Your poor wife; she's lost her self-worth.

    She doesn't love herself & loved you too much. You didn't love yourself & definitely didn't love her like she did you. Together, this push & pull keeps happening.

    You both need to find happiness within. Have you set up any boundaries, Thor? You are allowed boundaries to protect your recovery, however, you'd have to ask some of the men about what boundaries are acceptable bc I'm the partner, not the addict.

    I fear your wife has some regressed trauma from her past, rearing its ugly head. I feel like that's why she shut down when you opened up about your past trauma. Therapy, individual & marital, would be so beneficial for you two. Hard part is, how do you tell her that without pissing her off or making her feel like she's broken? I wish I had the answer; I wanted to knock my husband into outerspace anytime he said the words "work on your healing".

    If you are certain you want to remain in the marriage, tell your wife you want to see her happy, feel loved, and know her worth. She, & you, deserve a meaningful life. There's a way you can kindly say this to her. I pray she is receptive to your willingness to help her & your marriage.

    **whatever you do, do not say anything like: I think you need a therapist; because of what happened in your past....; you need to talk to someone about all of this. That would get you a 1 way ticket to Mars.

    I have caused you an incredible amount of pain. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see you happy again and know how much you are worth to this world. You deserve a wonderful life; how can I help make this possible for you? This should work.

    Good luck
     
  7. Really appreciate the advice. Thanks.
    Also this made me laugh.
    I already said something similar years ago that obviously didn’t help....

     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  8. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    I would really love to speak to your wife. Do you think she would be interested in a pen pal of sorts off the forum? A long distance friend she can vent to?
     
  9. Not sure what you mean.
    I don’t think you know my wife well enough to write for her ;)

    I was planning on writing from her side some more as we interact to help me keep perspective.

    So I would like to keep this thread just for her.
     
  10. Thanks for the interest. I might bring it up to her, but I doubt she would want to. She really doesn’t want to talk about any of this stuff.
     
  11. Been really tired lately. Irritable.
    I don’t think Thor understands that I sleep on the couch because I sleep better. Plus I need my space.
    Lots of couples have separate rooms.
    I’m just not a touchy feely cuddly type.
    I like to have my own space.
    Thor seems to be ok with it now, unless he’s just stewing in silence.
    But he hasn’t complained anyway.
    I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s been good for a while in the past and then he freaks out.
    So I’m just waiting to see what happens.
    He never listens either.
    Its like he dismisses everything I say before I even say it.
    If it’s not his idea then it’s stupid.
    He’s not a bad guy.
    If I heard about some random guy having the sane problem he had with masturbation, i probably wouldn’t think that much of it.
    But I expect more from him.
    This is not who he seemed to be when we got married.
    I’m angry he wasn’t honest with me back then.
     
    Jennica and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Can we be bffs?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    This amazing and creative way to see someone else’s perspective. As you write from her POV are you willing to write how this helps you as well?
     
  14. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    This is an exceptional idea. Added with @Jennica amendment, it can be a fine way to recover properly because it requires driving one out of selfishness. Probably good marital tool as well. If you don't mind, i would like to copy this idea as well.
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    THIS SHOWS EMPATHY !!!!
     
  16. I might be addressing it some in my personal journal.
     
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