Journal of married 29 year old father of 3.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Fallensoldier1, May 23, 2018.

  1. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    When I have more time I’ll post my background story. But I have been MO’ing most my life. Prolly started when I was around 11-12. Gradually worked my way up to PMO and have been doing that off and on for probably about 10 years. On 4/22 I said I was going to stop for good. On 5/23 I relapsed. 30 days. That’s a really long time for me. When I have been only about a week maybe two At the most.

    I haven’t yet had any PiED problems or anything. YET, if I continue down this path I know that’s a good possibility. I still get hard and aroused by my wife, however we don’t have sex often at all, and that’s why I have turned to pmo more I think. I’m mainly wanting to stop because I am a Christian male and I’m tired and down and depressed a lot. And I don’t want to sin a demoralize women in public. So, here we go again. Starting Day 1... pray for me. Wish me luck. I had some withdrawal symptoms pretty bad as far as anxiety stress depression and even more tiredness thsn usual the last 30 days. So now I have to start all over.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2018
  2. njones9

    njones9 Fapstronaut

    Welcome, brother. We are all here because we all struggle with this in one way or another. That is one of the things that I find most beneficial about this site; that I am constantly encouraged by others dealing with the same challenges.

    Pick yourself up and start again. Come on here and post/read. For me, I find it useful to do this every day. This keeps my goals at the front of my mind. Find a few threads that you like and follow them. Post daily in your journal. I know for me, thinking about having to admit to everyone on here that I relapsed can actually be a fairly powerful deterrent.

    As a Christian father and husband, I know what you are going through. I am praying for you, and will be following your successes! One day at a time, my friend.
     
  3. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. This is technically Day 1 here I guess. Since I relapsed yesterday morning. Today has been very stressful. There are some stressful events going on right now in my life. I need to pray for gods guidance, strength and patience.

    I’m not sure if I have had a porn addiction, or just a strong bad habit.

    Either way it’s unhealthy and I would turn to it in hard times. Tomorrow the wife and kids will be gone so I’ll have to be careful. Saturday we’re going to a friends wedding and that will be a trigger for me seeing all the good looking women wearing dresses.
     
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  4. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    I’ll try to add this in here from another post I made recently.

    I’m 29 and I’ve had a lot of trouble my whole life. With some depression, stress, anxiety, not having many friends, not wanting to be around people or talk much. I’ve been on antidepressants, had blood work, some ct scams and X-rays of different parts. Nothing has really ever helped. I have been PMOing since before I was a teenager probably. I haven’t yet had any PIED problems, I still want to have sex with my wife, and other women on the street really turn me on and I fantasize about them. Me and my wife’s sex live is basically non existent, I hope we can work on that still. Anyways I have wanted to be PMO free for a long time. I just went 30 days but relapsed. I think cuz I was disappointed I wasn’t feeling much better. I knew 30 days wouldn’t cure it. But was hoping for some improvements.

    Since I have tried to stop and relapsed so many times over the last 5 months or so I have been having a lot of problems, some withdrawal, maybe some other health maybe? Anyways some of what I’ve been feeling is.. looootsss of fatigue, depression, anxiety, used to not bother me talking to people, now I avoid them and if I do talk I start feeling very anxious and nervous, I feel I get anxious and I blink a lot or move my eye brows up and down. I also had a period where I was very thirsty and I couldn’t get enough water no matter how much I drink. I’ve had headaches, sometimes weird tingling headaches, teeth and jaw pain, my dentist has told me I grind my teeth. I sometimes feel cold no matter how warm it is, other times parts of my body feeling very warm. Some minor aches and pains. White coating on tongue, DR said it was from sinus drainage issues, dentist said it looked normal, I do not believe him. Sometimes it looks like spots are starting to clear up and then it comes back.

    If I remember more, I’ll come back and edit.
     
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  5. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    It seems like whenever I relapsed yesterday, my biggest hurdle was anxiety and stress. Does anyone one have great way to manage these? I had started going back into the gym 2-3 days a week. I went last night after my high from relapsing, now today I can barely get off the couch again. I know the usually responses, get sleep, eat well, meditate and pray, but anything else? Anyone take any supplements such a as St. John’s wort, Gaba, or l-tryptophan.
     
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  6. Icandoit01

    Icandoit01 Fapstronaut

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  7. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I hope so! I want a better quality life! And not think about sex 24/7
     
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  8. Icandoit01

    Icandoit01 Fapstronaut

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    Don't worry it's gonna take time. Never give up. I am also trying nofap after a year once again. 7 to 15 days max before it get irritating for me but I don't wanna give up like u.
     
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  9. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    7 to 15 days is still a lot though. If your used to doing it every day or so.
     
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  10. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    End of day one technically. No PMO urges today. But probably cuz I felt like crap. Was super tired this morning. Didn’t want to get out of the bed. Wife works part time 3 days a week for 5 hours in the AM. So those days I have to get up with my small kids ages, 1,3,and 5. This makes it soooooo hard. Get up with them when all I want to do is lay in bed. Make them breakfast, they want me to play with them and man I’m tired of feeling tired and depressed. I want to be full of energy and get on the ground, wrestle and play. They will not be this age very long. And I work evenings 2p-10p so I take care of them in the morning, the wife gets him at 1p and I leave for work.

    I think that’s another reason why our marriage isn’t the best and we have no sex life. Having almost no sex life and trying to quit PMO at the same time is extremely difficult.

    I was actually off today and we ran some errands all together and we kept busy. I’m having some dry eyes and sinus issues but I have a history with sinus trouble and allergies are kinda bad right now. So that may or may not have anything to do with my relapse.

    The wife and kids are gonna tomorrow out of town and I will be alone. I will have to stay busy before work. This weekend we have a wedding to go to and seeing good looking women in dresses will be a trigger for me.
     
  11. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Days 2 and 3 here since I didn’t log in last night.

    For the record I am wanting to give up PMO but I am not wanting to give up sex with my wife. Quite the opposite actually. I am wanting to get closer with my wife and be intimate often. We haven’t had sex in prolly over 6 months. We have fooled around some but even that’s has been weeks. We aren’t really that close I feel like. And I think I used pmo to cope with that. I am hoping that maybe giving up pmo will help me be a better Christian, husband and father and I want our marriage restored with passion, intimacy and love.

    Day 2 was okay in the am. I woke up and the wife and kids were going away for the day so I knew I couldn’t stay inside and be tempted. As soon as they left i went outside to do some yard work and mowing. Had lunch with my father in law and brother in law. Finished up mowing and listened to some mediation app before work. I went to work and had a okay evening. No big temptations really.

    Day 3 was a different story. We went to a friends wedding and I had a lot of temptations, triggers, and dirty thoughts about the brides maids. Their dresses were so short and one was a very tall long legged skinny blonde. And unfortunately I checked her out a lot in the night and fantasized about her. How do you guys manage those and make yourselves stop?? Heck even when my wife was getting ready in her dress I thought she looked hot and was turned on. She said we would fool around and have sex tonight but like always, she gets too tired when she gets home and fell asleep on the couch after we put the kids to bed. Happens almost every weekend. And though the week I work nights and we don’t go to bed together. And that’s normally when I would act out with pmo. Mainly out of loneliness I think. Especially now. I’m very lonely, horney, depressed, stressed and I want to be close and intimate with a pretty female that loves me, And of course I want that to be my wife.. but I just don’t know anymore.
     
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  12. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4 In the books. It was a little stressful today. Im having more of a harder time dealing with stress now. Probably because I’m used to PMO’ing almost every day. I know it’s only day 4 but only PMOING 3 times I’m 34 days total is still really good for me. When I used to do it almost every day. Had a nice evening with the kids. When it was bed time I laid with them untill they fell asleep. Me and the wife laid in bed and watched a movie and we actually ended up messing around and I O’d with her. I know I will have to be careful now to not relapse and just try to wait untill we can do something again.
     
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  13. LimitBreak9

    LimitBreak9 Fapstronaut

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    You can do it brother, your story is motivation to me
     
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  14. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Glad you just said this cuz I was actually thinking, what’s the point in this journal? I can keep my own, no one is commenting or cheering me on. So thanks for helping me stay on track!

    Day 5 not much temptation really. Got up had breakfast with the family. We were off work today for Memorial Day. I then went to the gym and when I got home we had some swim time at the in laws. I had some stress and anxiety today. Some headaches. I know it’s only day 5 but I’ve been trying to stop for several months now and just kept relapsing here and there.

    I have sometimes been feeling kinda weird. Hard to explain. Some times tingling in my head too, like my forehead and up around my hair line. Sometimes I also kinda almost feel like I’m here, but not. Kinda like I’m light headed and almost floating sometimes.
     
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  15. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 and it has been pretty hard. Had some urges, not real strong though. Because I’m feeling so anxious and stressed out it’s hard to go through my normal routine of work and family life. Have had some headaches too, I’ve been told by the dentist I grind my teeth. I think I’ve been doing that a lot in my sleep again. Me teethabd head hurt worse from that I think. I’m ready to feel good
     
    Ambrose Grant likes this.
  16. Baldur

    Baldur Fapstronaut

    Hej!
    About your health:
    • Grinding teeth: Get a dental splint that'll help the symptoms.
    • About allergies/depression: Go to gaps.me and https://www.westonaprice.org/ , you can also watch Dr. Natasha Campbell McBride, GAPS on youtube. Yes, you can get rid of them.
    • The other stuff: To me its sounds like a lot of stress symptoms. Have you checked for a job that is also in the morning? So that your lovely wife and you have some time together?
    Considering the anxiety/frustration and relationship:
    • I recommend you to take up some martial arts classes like Krav Maga, Thai Boxing, etc. This helps me a lot.
    • Join my 21 days complaint free challenge
    • Go do a journal and write down 3 things you are grateful for every day. Especially about your wife and kids.
    • Play a game with your wife. Sit down together and say what you love about each other. Turn and turn. So for example:
      Honey, I really love your beautiful eyes. Every time they smile they are warming my heart. And then it's her turn and so forth.
      Involve some play with her.
    Get stronger and maybe try a new hobby. I wish you lots of success and I'm looking forward to your reply.

    Cheers!
    /Baldur
     
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  17. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for that Greta length reply. It’s nice to get some feedback on here. Since I’m so new here I haven’t really made and friends and haven’t had anyone to talk to about stuff. I actually did order a dental guard off of amazon but I’m not using it faithfully every night like I should be. Ive also got heath anxiety so I worry too much. I’ve had a CBC done a few months ago and he said it all came back good. I worry about these being withdrawal symptoms or possibly some other health concern.

    Also I try to work out a few times a week and I drink protein powders. They never seemed to bother me much before but since I’m stressing a lot and I used to relieve stress with pmo maybe they are now. They have amino acid in it makes glutamates I believe. And they can apparantly made people with mental dissorders such as adhd and anxiety worse. I found this first while drinking bone broth collagen and supposedly collagen is full of it.

    To answer the rest of your question I will check out the depression and allergy part. I do have pretty bad allergies as well and that’s why I was drinking the bone broth to try to help heal a leaky gut.

    I have tried to find new jobs in different shifts but the problem is I make pretty decent money what I do and I live in a pretty small town and there isn’t a whole lot of opportunities. I have considered just taking a pay cut a few dollars a hour though because happiness isn’t worth the money. Or unhappiness in this case.

    I also like your ideas about what to tell my wife and nice things to say. I need to focus more on giving to her and saying nice things. Even if she isn’t in the mood to mess around.
     
    Ambrose Grant likes this.
  18. Baldur

    Baldur Fapstronaut

    Bone broth is one of the best food there is on the planet.
    Protein drinks on the other hand are full of shit and deplete your liver off of vitamin A (that's what I've heard) and in a depression you are
    in dire need for vitamin A.

    Yes, focus on yourself and on doing good to your wife and family. She will appreciate it!
    All the best!
    /Baldur
     
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  19. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Yes I agree. The protein powder I buy however is called naked whey. There is only a couple ingredients. It’s not chalked full of bad stuff for you that you can’t pronounce. At the moment I just want to get my stress and anxiety levels down. Today I feel like I could freak out from so much stress, for almost no reason!
     
  20. SharingTheLoadHelps

    SharingTheLoadHelps Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I just signed up today and by chance I read your story. Can't believe mine is very similar... I'm 52, married, 3 children (2 of them already in college). Just like you my sex life with my wife is almost non existing, often being rejected, turning to MO for relief. Anxiety triggers my urges at any time of the day. I have a friend that started helping me out but due to work changes I practically don't see him anymore. I'm in need of someone to at least listen and get encouragement. I'm Christian as well I definetly know how ypu feel. I don't want to go out and find someone else...
     

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