Journal of a wife with husband PMO, prostitutes and affairs. And two young children.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Square79, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Back from the retreat I found our that my husband was searching all my private data, looking at my downloads, mail attachments, photos,... He was like absolutely insane. He did not tell me.
    Kicked him out of our house. He went to a hotel. The one close to his favorite whore house.
    Said he was not there. Just chose the hotel because of the good standard and rates.

    Everything was really bad.

    Then we could catch up a bit,.. We went to therapy together, he gave me the money he spent on prostitutes. So it was not from our account.

    Now he is in therapy again.

    I am looking for a Trauma therapist. I still can't sleep at night, it is so killing me and it hurts me so so much.
     
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad to see you're getting help for yourself. You're doing great in spite of it all.
     
  3. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you're looking for a therapist for yourself. I think it's really important to find one who specializes in betrayal trauma. I'm sorry you're still struggling so much. This process takes a very long time, unfortunately, but I think you're doing the right things.

    I think sometimes the PA does this because they're desperately looking for even the tiniest thing they can find to show that you've done something wrong or untrustworthy, too, so it relieves a small amount of guilt for what they've done. My husband has done this as well. It's really frustrating because, instead of just owning their own shit, it's another way for them to try to dump it on you. And, with my husband, he actually gets upset when he finds nothing to throw back at me. (He doesn't say it, but I know because I've played this stupid game too long.)

    I hope you were able to enjoy your retreat as much as possible. I'm sorry for what you came home to, though. I know you're still hurting, and I'm sorry. I wish it could get better faster. Even though it may not seem this way sometimes, you'll make it through this chaos. Believe in yourself.
     
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  4. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Some weeks have passed.

    Tomorrow I have a phone councelling with a therapist from Dr weiss.

    Let's see...

    I am still so sad and angry and want to leave him. Just leave all this shot behind me. I am so sad and heartbroken.
     
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  5. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    I do hope you can find the peace and happiness you deserve. Your situation is desperate, I know. Your pain cannot be easily negated.
     
  6. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Some more weeks have passed.
    My husband is not seeing his therapists regularly, is not active in any kind of group, doesn't read materials, still in justification and minimalizing mode about what he's done to me.

    I feel my love for him vanishing.
    Actually, I have to realize, I don't love him any more.

    So sad. But true. This killed my love for him. I feel numb.

    Good thing: I am absolutely there for my children again, with full love and all my heart and patience. There were times when I was unable to care for them because of complete psychological breakdown / Trauma.

    In two weeks I will go to a healing / heartbreak Seminar / let's see if this brings any more insight.

    I read Paula Hall's book for partners in the meantime that was great. Spot on.

    So that's my current update.
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Hey Lady @Square79. I’m glad to see you are recovering even if it isn’t with him, but in spite of him. I’m proud of how far you have come. You are indeed much stronger than you believe. That is so promising. Keep doing what you are doing and get better. I had such hope for him. But only he can decide if he truly wants healing. Reach out if you need anything.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
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  8. Salt & Light

    Salt & Light Fapstronaut

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    You still have all of these things! They are part of you, attempt to connect with them again. It seems you have so much love and commitment to give and I truly hope one day, beyond all this misery - you will again harness this love and express all your goodness to someone xx
     
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  9. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, very touching ❤️

    What do you think? Try again with the same guy? Severely porn and prostitutes addicted?
    Or someone new?
     
  10. Salt & Light

    Salt & Light Fapstronaut

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    Well honestly, when I read your story initially, I'm sorry but I knew I would not be able to stay with 'this' man. And further reading has confirmed this to me.
    I would have to leave, be single and eventually find someone else. You have so much to give, I would want to give my devotion to someone who reciprocated my love, truly.
    I'm not suggesting your husband doesn't love you but does he make you happy, do you feel loved, fulfilled by the relationship? And will this always be your life? Personally I couldn't live with the suspicion alone, let alone the betrayal.

    Each person in the relationship is supposed to give 100% and I would want to find someone who would give me that, because that's what I deserve - and so do you!
    So...
    IMHO, you're such a courageous woman, what you've been through is astonishing - firstly, I don't have children so I'm sure this is an added concern, but perhaps also a motivation?

    Questions I would ask myself; I'm not sure how much self help work you've done, but...
    Are you at your best?
    Does the relationship support you, nurture you and bring out the best in you?
    Could you be happier, a single woman or with someone else?
    Could you be happier than you are now, for yourself and your children?

    For me personally, I have set my boundaries - there is a line and that is human contact, communication or otherwise. What's your line? And has your husband crossed it?
    Sorry for all the questions! But I'm attempting a brain storm :)

    Something else to consider?
    I'm considering this because my Mother felt the same way when I was a child, wanting to leave but was afraid to make the jump so "made her marriage work".
    She's not much happier now, 20 years later - she's just 20 years older! I can safely say the marital disruption during my childhood had a knock on effect, not a huge amount - but I can recognize it.
    Also, have you considered why you are staying? Are these healthy reasons?

    Here, I've attempted to give an idea of how I would think, questions I would ask myself in regard to what I deserve from a relationship.
    Please remember you deserve love, support and someone who can fully and faithfully reciprocate this.
    I'm aware this is an addiction, and I hope in time your husband can find solace in life and recover for himself, as well as you and your children.

    I'm sorry if this isn't what you were expecting, but I want to be honest with you. As I said, we all have different boundaries.

    Take care of yourself and let me know your thoughts? ;) x
     
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  11. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you dir your post that made me thinking about it a lot..

    In the meanwhile I was in the UK to take part in a course for partners of sex addicts.

    It was absolutely amazing.

    https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/4-day-partner-intensive-support-group

    With amazing women with absolutely heartbreaking stories...

    So touching.
    And it helped me a lot!
    Paula halls book for partners was a great Ressource for me also, and soo good. A different approach and i felt so seen!
    https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addictio...paula+hall&dpPl=1&dpID=51UaVr2ZPqL&ref=plSrch

    I can definitely recommend all part es of SA to read this!
     
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