Journal of a wife with husband PMO, prostitutes and affairs. And two young children.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Square79, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for what you are going through.

    Not sure that she is on here much these days but her story (@LizzyBlanca) may be something you can relate to.

    All the best to you on your journey. May you find happiness for yourself whatever decision you come to. You deserve to be loved, cherished and appreciated. ♥️:emoji_hugging:
     
  2. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    I think pathological lying, i.e. lying when there is really no need to, is one of the most telling signs that you are dealing with a psycopath in day-to-day life. I knew a guy once who would just lie about everything all the time. In the end you had no idea what he had actually ever done in his life. I think psychopaths constantly practice lying. To them it is a weapon in their arsenal that they can use at will against the rest of humanity.

    Psychopaths are an evolutionary product that has allowed our species to survive in the worst circumstances, such as during war and plague, however the rest of the time they are a menace to society. Unfortunately, in a highly competitive 'neoliberal' world, the psycopath is in his element. Their whole life is a big war against everyone else. This is why they often arrive in highly powerful 'leadership' roles (the modern managerial concept of leadership is basically 'how big a bastard can you be'?).

    The biggest advantage the rest of us have over psychopaths is our ability to work together. If a group of psychopaths end up running an organisation it will fail, as they end up turning on each other like the rabid wolves they really are.

    Back to the topic though: I think Square really does need to try and determine if her husband falls into this category. The pathological lying is the biggest clue I feel. He will have been doing this from childhood. It will be so ingrained in his nature he will not be able to stop.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
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  3. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    Square, regarding your biggest fear:

    None of us can know how our lives will end up. We are all sailors on the torrid sea of circumstance.

    However, we all reach many crossroads in our lives where critical decisions need to be made. Marriage and selecting our life partner is certainly one of the biggest decisions. So what happens if, as in your case, that massive decision we made many years ago is suddenly brought into question so radically?

    Well, all you can do is realise you are now at another big crossroads. You have to now take all the information and pool this together, then try and make the right decision for you and your children.

    The pain you suffer from the years of betrayal is there, but it should not affect the decision immediately. The immediate issue is your welfare. Your husband has a massive amount to prove to you if you are to have a new relationship with him. It may not even be a sexual relationship. If he really does love you he will accept your terms unequivocally. If he really is a psycopath using you and your children for his own selfish ends, you can find this out easily. You are the boss now.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
  4. Do you use any techniques such as journaling or therapy (solo not couples) to help get all of this down? I always find that the answers are within ourselves, others can help and support us but only we know what makes our hearts feel at peace. I've found journaling helps me to connect to my inner peace, as does art therapy. Meditation is also really good for this and talking things through with a trusted therapist. Different things work for different people.

    It's good that you're weighing up all your options anyway, there is no rush to make any decisions. It feels like hell right now but you will survive this and you will be ok. Just take it one day at a time. During my worst days I think of my inner child and ask myself what she needs and focus on that - making a nourishing meal, going for a walk, having a bath, that sort of thing. Self care and self compassion.
     
  5. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I also have a therapist supporting me.

    Next week I will go for a yoga retreat at the sea.

    I am so powerless.. Getting through the day takes all my energy.

    And I am so, so, so deeply wounded. No day, no night without tears. I can't get over it what he did to me. It makes me cry a lot. Although I used to be a tough women with loads of self-esteem and power.. I feel like a small girl that begged not to be raped, but got raped despite all her begging. This is what my feelings are.. Broken, abused, betrayed.
     
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  6. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Ups and downs all the time - It's still a Rollercoaster ride through hell.
     
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  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It definitely is a roller coaster ride, and sometimes it seems more downs than ups, especially at first. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I wish I could say something to help ease the overwhelming pain you feel, but I can't. All I can say is I understand and, with time, it will get better. That doesn't help you now, I know. Have you gone on your yoga retreat? Hopefully that will at least give you a few moments of peace and an opportunity to sort out your thoughts.
     
  8. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @hope4healing yes it really hurts.. And my heart is so so broken..

    My Yoga Retreat starts on Wednesday.. Can't wait!
     
  9. Nate1879

    Nate1879 Fapstronaut

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    What a nightmare, I feel for you. Reading these posts is so sad and sobering.

    I saw you mentioned a therapist for sex addiction. I personally went down that route a few years ago. It did not help me at all. Sex addiction is a medication for an underlying problem.

    What DID help me completely, has been facing the source problems in my life. Unhealthy addiction has continued to leave my life, literally in direct proportion to the growth I make in myself, not the other way around. As I identified problems from the past that were making me miserable, I left behind gaming. And now as I have faced the past even more, I'm am leaving behind PMO.

    If you want to fix this, don't look at porn first. Help your husband to figure out what happens BEFORE the porn urge hits. Something painful that he doesn't want to face is calling to be medicated with sex.

    Now of course, once an addiction starts, it takes a separate effort to break it. But unless the source issue is corrected, the pain will call for the sex again. Face the pain, don't medicate it.

    For example, me personally, I had issues with a father who was an emotional steamroller. My real awesome self got trapped inside, and I lived a fake persona that I thought he wanted to see until I was 25. From age 5 to 25, I had no real friends, no achievement, no girls, no authentic expression of myself. And inside I cried every day, knowing all the things that I could do, the person I could be, the people I could love and be loved by. And instead I had nothing.

    That's why I turned to masturbation and porn. It was the only pleasurable thing I had in my life, as escape from the sadness.

    Only when I made the difficult and scary decision to face the fears, and speak the truth to his face, did I begin to earn my freedom.

    And so Porn and gaming don't have the same call to me now, because I don't need to medicate the pain. I faced it, dealt with it, and it's gone.

    Endeavor together with your husband, to gain a deep and clear understanding of what happens BEFORE sex addiction. He mentioned fears and anxiety, that's a great start. Get more clarity on that, finds it's source.
     
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  10. This is such a helpful post @Nate1879 and really sums up what these collective addictions are about. Thank you for sharing how you figured out the root cause of your addiction and especially about how the need to self medicate with sex or P reduced as you gradually faced your problems and grew into the person you were always meant to be.
     
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  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Interesting. There is a whole lot of merit to what you are saying here.
     
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  12. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Nate1879
    Very true. Thanks for your precious post. I think you are absolutely right.

    My husband is working now on his "inner child" that seems to be a lonely and sad 5-year old boy, shamed and blamed because discovering sexuality.

    Therapist said, it is possible for him.. But it it very hard. And he has to fight his addiction a lifetime. He will always be in danger of relapses (with just one single more hooker - my nightmare!) and has to have a lot of power to go through this all.

    Unfortunately, as we know, he has never been strong willed. He could not stop it. I feel so sad and helpless.
     
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  13. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    One reason I think he hasn't been strong-willed is because the addiction has been in control, and he had gotten away with it for a long time. But, now things have changed...he admitted to you and to himself that he has a huge issue that needs resolved. He's seemingly working towards recovery, and he's now in therapy getting help with it. I believe there's strength to be gained in doing these things. The addiction is becoming weaker as it has now lost much of the power it had in the secrecy. I'm not disagreeing with you about the danger of relapse because, yes, it's there. It is there for every person in recovery. However, what I'm saying is, although he showed no strength to fight the addiction before, he has now shown a little more as he seems headed in the right direction. If he continues to work his recovery and stays committed to it, he will be gaining more strength along the way.
     
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  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    His battle with his own addiction is his primary problem. But he also has a secondary problem. He is surrounded by people who are extremely toxic to his recovery. And it is a situation that he is unable to escape from. So suffice it to say, his battle is twofold.
     
  15. Nate1879

    Nate1879 Fapstronaut

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    I definitely is just so damn sad. Heck I want to cry and I don't even know you guys.

    At least things have progressed along way, even if it seems to have gone backwards. You guys are making great steps in the right direction. Remember that alot of people never get to Therapy, and die at 95 the same they were at 15.

    Awareness awareness, if your husband can become more aware of his deeper feelings, and their source, what seems like a tangled ball of knots can become straight again.

    Stay positive!
     
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  16. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    I am back now from my Yoga Retreat.
    It was not easy there as I was sad there most of the time, think about my situation. But met wonderful people there that widened my mind.

    The really good result is, that I can now be the mother again I used to be, loving, caring, patient.
    When I left I had absolutely zero ressources and was mean to them - I just could not cope, I was so overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow and grief.

    So this is now a bit better and I can be a good mother again.
    Still appreciating it a lot when my husband is home and takes over the kids for bathing time, brushing teeth and making them ready to go to bed.

    He really changed his life a lot,
    Works out frequently (has a body like 5 years ago now)
    Comes home earlier
    Sleep time / work time discipline
    Reads a lot of material about SA and inner child.
    Signed up for an inner child Seminar
    Looks better. Is much more relaxed and in the moment.

    So all in all, despite all the pain that is still haunting me day and night and keeps a lot of sadness in my life.. I see him moving in the right direction. And this is what gives me hope.
    And I still feel there is lots of love for him.

    We even started intimacy.. Which felt terrific. But keeping it no pmo.
    How is this regarding dopamine?
    Should we avoid any Sexual arousal?
    What are your thoughts?
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Well, for everyone it is different. For us, at first, I too thought he had to do the strict PMO reboot for this to work, but, we broke quickly... so we decided to try a PM reboot and if that fails, then try a PMO again. So far though, he has been 113 days PM free, with no relapses (so far). We've been intimate, practically the whole time. He left it up to me though, if I wanted it, no pressure.

    So, if you want it and you are SURE that he isn't using you as a P-Sub, and you really feel connected emotionally while being intimate, I say go for it.

    In our case, it has helped our connection. It may not for others though.
     
  18. This is GREAT news! I am so glad you have a wonderful retreat ... much rest and contemplation, I'm sure.

    Welcome back!
     
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  19. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    That is wonderful to hear! I'm so happy the retreat was so helpful for you. I know the sadness and despair are still there, but I'm sure you feel somewhat relieved knowing that things are finally heading in the right direction. Stay strong.
     
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  20. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    The only feelings are hate and disgust.

    Going to another Yoga Retreat for a week today. Can't wait to leave.
     
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