Journal of a wife with husband PMO, prostitutes and affairs. And two young children.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Square79, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Hi there,
    I am the SO of an excessive Porn Addict cons - He is also having affairs and going to brothels regularly.
    Just last week I found out about an affair he had.. And faced him. He admitted excessive Porn usage, regular meetings with prostitutes, using the blue pills and having affairs with his secretaries.

    I am devastated.
    We have two young kids. A wonderful family.

    Unfortunately we have been there a few years ago - I found out about an affair.. He had prostitutes and affairs and heavy Porn usage.. And he wanted to stop it all, so he wouldn't lose me.
    I agreed and he did psychotherapy but started slowly but surely with Porn again.. Then prostitutes and also having affairs with his secretaries.
    For 3 years he was doing this now in the second sequel.
    I am so tired, so wounded. I feel so hollow.

    It's really bad and hurts me so much.
    We have a wonderful family, an active and adventurous love life, two super kids. I am an attractive and sexy Partner, Open minded, we had a lot of variety and fun.

    It is so bad now.. I feel devastated.

    With my husband he said: When he feels stressed, has anxiety or fears.. He is escaping in hours of Porn usage or going to brothels after office. And having affairs with secretaries.. All to keep his thought from any irrational fears. It's so crazy.
    We have a wonderful life, everything a man can dream of. And he is risking it all because of this SHIT.

    I want to vomit.
    Don't know what to do now.
     
    Nate1879 likes this.
  2. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Update: found a therapist focused on porn addiction. Sex addiction.
    They have their first meeting in two days. I hope she can help!
     
  3. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Have a doctor's appointment to check for Sexual transmitted diseases.
    As he interacted a lot with prostitutes.
     
    self healing and Gaurav Dutta like this.
  4. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Me I also have a session to help me getting over it.
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You're moving really fast and jump starting this thing. I applaud you. Just don't get yourself burned out. Take your time and be thorough in your resolve. You want to do this right. I need you to figure out if he has truly hit "Rock Bottom" and if he is genuinely ready to OWN it and fix it. This may take you several days to really get a grasp of his willingness to do what is necessary. Keep up the great work! I'm proud of you.
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    @Square79 , I'm so sorry you are going through this. You've got a tough road ahead of you but are off to a good start. It is good he is willing to see a therapist and good that you are already taking care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. There are many here in your corner, some with similar circumstances. Don't hesitate to lean on any of us for support! There is also a group just for Significant Others of addicts that is private if there is anything you'd like to share that you don't want public. Many SOs have their journals there for a little more privacy. It's up to you how much exposure or input you would like.

    Here is the link if you'd like to join or send me a PM and I can invite you. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/sos-significant-others-support.18/
     
    Deleted Account and Square79 like this.
  7. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Ghostie, your texts always touch my heart. Thank you so much!

    how can I find out?
    He is still not in complete dismantling.. Every day new things come up, but he tells them by himself, assuring me that he was hiding and repressing these memories for and by himself! That it comes slowly to mind. Until now everyday he admitted something additional. So we are in the step of getting to the point where there are no lies and hidden things any more.
    This is very important to me. I want to know it all. All that happened. To restart again.


    I have my first session with the therapist today.. So I am a bit nervous but also grateful.

    Last night I cried a lot.. It hurts so much.. I was listening the song 1000 years.. And it touched me very deep..
    ....
    Heart beats fast
    Colors and promises
    How to be brave
    How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
    But watching you stand alone
    All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow
    One step closer
    I have died everyday, waiting for you
    Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
    I'll love you for a thousand more
    ...
     
  8. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    I take this plan from @Jagliana for my self:

    DAILY GOALS MET?
    • My husband has continued to be honest with me about his urges/triggers/full disclosure... :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Reading information/watching videos about what I need for my own healing... :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Have been making time to talk with my husband (w/odistractions) every day... :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
     
  9. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Tonight will be my husbands first session with the therapist.
    I really put high hopes in her
     
  10. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Good morning. Test results are in. No STD.

    Last night I was thinking, how foolish I was.. To allow him during the last years to pmo in this excessive amount. I knew he was doing it every day, and I always thought, he would regulate himself.
    Life he regulated himself with videos games, mobile phone silly games, Sudoku... It was all sometimes really high but then eventually stopped or regulated at a very low level.

    So I was trusting, this would be the case here.

    What a fatal error.

    Our Sex life was active and wonderful, we synched, all matched. I adored him, his body, his penis, his strong arms. I was absolutely happy. Enjoyed it a lot, it was great.

    And I thought, ok, he is really into porn, really loves it.. And I don't like to nag and moan. I liked it to give trust and freedom.

    All in vain as I now know. Unjustified.
    He was worth none of my trust.
    And how about worth my love? My life? He is beating it all up
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Please allow me to turn this around. And I think about this every single day multiple times a day. "How foolish I was..." to allow this addiction to take such control over my life and my brain that I destroyed my marriage, my family, and my life. I literally feel that way. You weren't foolish and neither was I. We can either wallow in our own self pity or we can get back up, and work toward improving ourselves, and thus our lives.
    Here's the thing. Our sex life was all superficial. It wasn't ever real. It may have seemed real at the time to both of us, but it really wasn't. And the reason I say that is because sex, the act itself, MUST be built upon a foundation of intimacy. Any fool can have an orgasm. But not just anyone can have the eternal bliss that comes from the intimacy that leads up to it or enjoys the aftermath of it. I don't care about the orgasm anymore. I only care about the intimacy. It isn't until you don't have it that you truly wish you had.
    He is worth every one of those things and so are you. We live in an imperfect world that we created. We embrace the things that we were exposed to because we don't know how to properly manage anything else. But with forethought, patience, hard work, and love for one another, we can certainly get there. No matter what, you will be a better stronger person in the end.
    Keep working it @Square79. You're doing great!
     
  12. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    GhostWriter, post
    ---/
    No matter what, you will be a better stronger person in the end.
    Keep working it

    ----

    Thank you again, this gives me power to move on.

    Today I asked for his bank account details so I can check his cash withdraw and all credit card usage.
    Will be tough for me to go through it all.

    Was tough for him also... Because he is afraid of the outcome, too. As he was repressing these thoughts and facts all the time for his own brain!
    He wouldn't realize!
     
  13. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Monthly Cash withdrawal was a shock!
     
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    That’s OK. My SO spent $7,650 at Starbucks...in one year!
     
  15. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    It's okay to spend money..

    On my birthday he gave me a wonderful bunch of red roses. And he mentioned about three times, that he bought allll the roses in the store, and this was the most expensive flower bunch he ever purchased. And so on.
    He was like proud, spending this amount of money for me..

    In the same week he went twice to hookers spending 6 times the money of my roses on them with ease.

    This absolutely brain sick.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2018
  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    If you're trying to rationalize it in your mind, forget it. You're wasting your time. There is no rationale. It makes no sense. It never will. It's like Abbott & Costello "Who's on First"! It is a riddle you're never going to be able to solve. You just have to understand that it is a brain disease making these decisions and embrace it so that you can make course corrections in your relationship.
     
  17. Thomas Smith 2

    Thomas Smith 2 Fapstronaut

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    How the heck does someone spend $20 every day at Starbucks for a whole year? Did she buy it for her office?
     
    self healing likes this.
  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You know there is more than just coffee there, right?
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Wondering what your point here is?
     
  20. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    That sometimes you spent a lot of money for things you like!

    I can imagine she looved her tall vanilla frappucino in the morning with a bagel and the two chocolate muffin with a coffee in the afternoon. This is all fine. That helps her enjoy the day..
     

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