Going to give this journalling thing a whirl in hopes it will help with healing. Could be a hot mess but we shall see! 6/5/2019 - Something of My Own Well, school is officially out and I have both kiddos at home. After the first hour this morning, I realized it's going to be a long summer...very long. I own my own business and work from home. It has worked out really well over the years and the flexibility is amazing, but because of the disconnect with my husband, feeling like I had to do everything, and no backup support with the kids - I don't get to see the outside world very much. I'm always here. Always. Other peoples schedules and wants always comes before mine. I have to just make it work and figure it out. Which leaves no time for me just serving other people. Grocery store is my vacation. Sad. Even here inside these walls, I never an have anything for myself or a moment to myself. I can't use the bathroom without someone just barging in. I can't have anything for myself either without it being taken, used, or copied. I tried to start a nighttime face self-care routine a few months back. Bought all my stuff and then my face exfoliator was used by my daughter as a vibrator. I had to throw that sucker away. I tried to start a hobby doing pour paint. It was fun at first until the kids started using my paint for their own needs and messing with my stuff. I ended up just putting it all away and haven't done it anymore. I tried to start an at home yoga practice and dance exercise program only to be made fun of the entire time and goofing around in the room until i couldn't do it. I was doing it while they were at school, but now that school is out who knows. I tried to make my husband and I a new space for us to heal - bedroom/den combo but even with closed doors they just walk on in and get into our stuff. I now have to lock the doors during my husband and I love making times. My daughter (16) this morning came barging in while I was reading and made her self at home. Started riffling through our things. It even bleeds over to my sister. If I do something she has to do it too. I bought a nightgown the other day and she went the next day to buy her one. I start a new diet program she starts one. I have to hide my things when she comes to visit so it doesn't walk away. I bought a new outfit for my daughters sweet 16 party and it magically disappeared. Whatever I do always ends up me "helping" her do the same and then it becomes exhausting. I know I should be flattered, but I just want something of my own. Something that's mine. Some time by myself. I don't want to always be "on". I've done this to myself trying to keep the peace, not setting boundaries, not practicing any self care....I've taught people not to respect me. I don't think people view me as a person but a tool & resource.