Journal of a SO

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ccrowegreen, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    Going to give this journalling thing a whirl in hopes it will help with healing. Could be a hot mess but we shall see!

    6/5/2019 - Something of My Own

    Well, school is officially out and I have both kiddos at home. After the first hour this morning, I realized it's going to be a long summer...very long. I own my own business and work from home. It has worked out really well over the years and the flexibility is amazing, but because of the disconnect with my husband, feeling like I had to do everything, and no backup support with the kids - I don't get to see the outside world very much. I'm always here. Always. Other peoples schedules and wants always comes before mine. I have to just make it work and figure it out. Which leaves no time for me just serving other people. Grocery store is my vacation. Sad.

    Even here inside these walls, I never an have anything for myself or a moment to myself. I can't use the bathroom without someone just barging in. I can't have anything for myself either without it being taken, used, or copied.

    I tried to start a nighttime face self-care routine a few months back. Bought all my stuff and then my face exfoliator was used by my daughter as a vibrator. I had to throw that sucker away.

    I tried to start a hobby doing pour paint. It was fun at first until the kids started using my paint for their own needs and messing with my stuff. I ended up just putting it all away and haven't done it anymore.

    I tried to start an at home yoga practice and dance exercise program only to be made fun of the entire time and goofing around in the room until i couldn't do it. I was doing it while they were at school, but now that school is out who knows.

    I tried to make my husband and I a new space for us to heal - bedroom/den combo but even with closed doors they just walk on in and get into our stuff. I now have to lock the doors during my husband and I love making times. My daughter (16) this morning came barging in while I was reading and made her self at home. Started riffling through our things.

    It even bleeds over to my sister. If I do something she has to do it too. I bought a nightgown the other day and she went the next day to buy her one. I start a new diet program she starts one. I have to hide my things when she comes to visit so it doesn't walk away. I bought a new outfit for my daughters sweet 16 party and it magically disappeared.

    Whatever I do always ends up me "helping" her do the same and then it becomes exhausting.

    I know I should be flattered, but I just want something of my own. Something that's mine. Some time by myself. I don't want to always be "on".

    I've done this to myself trying to keep the peace, not setting boundaries, not practicing any self care....I've taught people not to respect me. I don't think people view me as a person but a tool & resource.
     
  2. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I love you more everyday. I can see now how I did not appreciate you but I never thought of you as a resource, but I know how thats feels and can sympathize with that feeling from work.
    Continue working on you, know that I will never give up working on me and us, even if it takes the next 50 years, I will show you that you are my best friend and partner.
     
    Mr. Tumnus, Tafi, de severn and 2 others like this.
  3. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    I swear your life mirrors mine in sooooo many ways and I'm so glad you opened up here.

    I understand the feeling of being a resource not a person. Completely.

    It's funny because when I do get out to even get groceries I'm the same way. I lag to just be out and talk to adults about nothing in particular.

    I even say to my kids after I do something for them "thanks mom"...everyone here seems to think what I do is expected and not a gift.

    Unappreciation is THE biggest downfall I believe It leads to such negative feelings in people and low self esteem.

    The sister issue reminds me of my own brother and the goofy neighbor across the street who wants to "swap husbands" (oh if she only knew what she was asking for lol). People tell me that copying is the "highest form of flattery"...I see it as something that ticks me off. But I'm learning it's a reflection of THEM and THEIR insecurities. They truly do want to be like us. And have jealousy. If you start to think that way it helps.

    Set boundaries with your sister and talk to her. Be real and open for yourself. Forgive her for your own inner peace if you can.

    And set rules with the kids. Ours know they root in my room they are going to see a side of my wrath they won't like. Personal space is so important and needed.

    I'm going to suggest breaking out that dance workout and jamming it. It's for you and you like it. If the kids have something to say then challenge them to do it and show you the moves if they think they can do it better. It may get them involved and active too and you all find something to make some silly memories and giggles while getting some cardio in.

    Journaling helps alot. It gets your thoughts out and helps our partner feel what we are.

    You did great today! Smile please and know you're not alone. :)
     
  4. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for helping me get out of my own way this morning and actually sit down to write.

    I broke out this morning to go to the gas station for a minute (freedom!). I got back and didn’t go immediately in. My 16 year old started texting me “did you get lost?” Nope I’m sitting in my car with the music on lol.

    One thing id like to do is quit smoking. I am all healthy, natural and you don’t want to know what my husband calls me hahaha but I can’t seem to break that nasty habit. It’s my 2 minute get out of the house time. Well besides 50% of the time I have one kid of the kids banging on the door and just staring at me.

    My sister....one of my issues with setting boundaries is the fear of if I do people will threaten to leave, leave or stonewall me. That’s kind of how it’s always been with everyyyyyyone in my life.

    With the kids they have learned how to manipulate me. I was too tired over the years to fight some of the battles and didn’t parent like I should. Now when I try, all hell breaks lose.

    One day at a time.

    I’ll keep journalling. It did feel good to get it out. Thanks for the support!
     
    MourdeCallsMeHazel likes this.
  5. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    If they affect you negatively...how is their leaving a bad thing?

    Want to partner up to hold each other accountable? It's my one downfall too.

    You time. Jam it out and sing. :)

    Glad I can help and that you're feeling better and opening up!
     
    Lostneverland and ccrowegreen like this.
  6. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    I own the path of my wife feeling that people will leave or abandon her. I started her down that path and will take that shame and guilt with me always.
     
  7. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Takes a brave soul to say that...great job on accountability!
     
    ccrowegreen likes this.
  8. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    6/6/2019 - A Nap

    I had a bit of a headache yesterday after lunch and thought to myself, I'll just lay down for like 15 minutes. The next thing I knew @MisterDirection was sweetly kissing me waking me up when he got home from work....3 1/2 hours later. At first I felt guilty. My mind started racing with all the things that hadn't been done and I needed to do. I felt like a slacker. I was embarrassed.

    But [email protected] told me he had texted my daughter to make sure I was okay because I wasn't answering text messages. She told him I was asleep. He got dinner for everyone and didn't make me feel like I was a bad person for conking out for the afternoon.

    I had to catch up on some work and he took charge of house chores. Laundry, dishes, mopping, vacuuming. I couldn't help smiling as I heard him telling the kids to get up and help do things. The hard eye rolls I could feel from across the house was awesome haha! He is in the circle of FU dad. hehehe Nothing hotter then husband mopping the floors (just saying).

    Once we had finished our work, I went to CVS and got myself my OWN hairdryer. Came home took a shower and sat down to dry my hair & moisturize my face ALL BY MYSELF. It was nice.

    We snuggled on the couch for a bit watching Fixer Upper (I'm a old house junkie) and went to bed.

    This morning gave my husband a little of a wake up call (if you know what I mean). Not sure if you have read the other posts on some other threads, but he has been having some not being able O situations. This morning was the same, but this time it didn't feel like that was his goal. He was with me and not getting lost in performance. It felt good to feel loved and not used for an O.

    I might take @SOofanaddict advice today and put in Shine Fitness (dance workout) and let the kids laugh or join in. If they can't be nice, they can leave the room.

    I also need to finish up my boundary list for my husband today. I've been putting if off. I know it's important and something we both need, but man I hate feeling like I am punishing him. I'm going to get it done though - got to!
     
  9. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    I hope you're dancing!!! Great to hear this!!!
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  10. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    Just finished 55 minutes!
     
  11. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Glad to see you are owning up to things that's a big step! How about putting this in your own journal and holding yourself accountable for yourself and not your wife! The road to recovery is a two way street you are right but the street you paved for yourself she didnt do it YOU DID! Stop the blaming and feeling sorry for yourself and start holding yourself accountable for your actions not hers! This is her journal for her feelings not yours! START HOLDING YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE!
     
    Lostneverland and hitnmis like this.
  12. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    I agree with you and commend you for promising not to get angry and face the very real fact you may see her feelings in a different way if she opens up the way I and many other SOs would like to see.

    Everything with all of us is never rainbows and unicorns. And by journaling even the bad we get it off our chest and can reflect then open discussion.

    I challenge you to do the same. Every day. Every emotion. Not just the lovely dovey side. But like yesterday when you had a bad moment and journalled...you ran from it and everyone who attempted to help you.

    You ask for advice but don't take it or ignore it except what you want to hear. That's unfair to yourself AND her.

    We are all in this shitfest together and the goal is for us all to get out and be happy with the people we love and sometimes that takes some serious hard truths, hard critiques and all done with tough love.

    I want to see you guys happy and healthy and a wonderful life together that YOU BOTH deserve.

    But you have to put the work in just as much and if not harder than she does.

    Consistency is a HUGE word I'm always telling Mourde. Be consistent. Even if you have nothing to say, by journaling daily you'll find you can talk about things easier here and in the real world. :)
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  13. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    6/12/2019 - Balance

    Yeah, so, I had to take a break from Nofap forum for a of couple days. Mentally exhausted. I beat myself up a little bit because I'm constantly told I don't stick with things and give up. I get it, but I think that comes with the territory of just being burnt out. I try so hard to stick to self care/improvement habits - exercising, eating well, prayer, morning and night time routines, journaling, reading, therapy...but I struggle to find a healthy balance. I feel like I'm just full and spilling over. Trying to add stuff seems exhausting. I think it's from years of just surviving and doing what I had to do to make it through the day. I dunno, that might just be an excuse.

    I find myself jealous at times of @MisterDirection. I wish I could be like him. I'm so proud of him. When he sets his mind to something, you can call it done. He is out walking right now in the rain because he set an intention to walk every night. He quit smoking years back...no problem. He decided he wanted to lose weight...done. No more P & M...done. He can have a long ass day at work and still get done what he needs to because he has set his mind to it.

    I feel guilty and lazy because I don't feel like I'm doing all I should be.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  14. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I feel you @ccrowegreen , I've struggled with trying to keep up with the decisions about what I should do during the day. For me anxiety has led to laziness and desperation, so I haven't done the things I should have been doing. I have been like that this whole year 2019. I just wrote in my journal about this topic, I made up some improved routines for myself and now I decided to (at least try) stick with them seriously.

    I have let myself to rest the past month. And I really think that has been a good idea. I stopped stressing out too much about the work I have to do.
    Give yourself some mercy. Take some time to rest. When you start to feel more rested, then you can try to stick with your routines again, maybe one routine at a time. Don't try to do them all at the same time, add a new thing when you feel like it. That is great you see your husbands progress, I'm sure that will motivate to you as well when you have the energy to do the things. You will get better, healing takes time. :)
     
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  15. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree with @Liina . Even 1 self care routine to start daily helps alot. Dont feel guilty or lazy. You've done soooo much over the years. Self care is hard, especially for SOs. It's hard to add to the routine we already have.

    Dance. Every day. The dishes can wait. The floor doesn't need mopped right away. If it doesn't get done who cares. Dance anyway. :)
     
  16. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Wife of mine.

    You feel guilty and lazy because you are not doing all you feel you should..

    Those words hurt my heart. I see a strong woman and beautiful person inside and out, that for the first time in 20 years can afford the time to look at herself and ask what can I do to feel better and be better for you.

    Know that there is nothing I would not change to allow you to get to the place that you want to be, because I want to be there with you. If you never wash another dish, sink, tub, mirror, nose or armpit know that that is okay with me.

    I love you more everyday.

    And maybe keep doing the armpit thing, that may have been over the top.
     
  17. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    6/13/2019 - Lost Time

    I've spent the last 19 years hiding from the world and purposely making myself unattractive. I thought it would draw less attention to me. I also felt like I could't measure up to the women my husband found attractive or the P stars. He would also negatively talk about the smallest things on women and I would think shit what does he think about me. So, I gained a bunch of weight, hardly took a shower, didn't comb my hair, my cloths full of holes and so on. I've also put my body through the ringer from 2 c-sections, stress & anxiety, cancer treatment, to now arthritis and autoimmune disease.

    Since my husband started recovery, we have been connecting, getting much closer (in all ways) and I want to put in the effort now. Not just for him but for myself. It's a new chapter in our lives and a fresh start.

    However, this week has been extremely tough. I'll be real here. My hormones have been all over the place the last year and this month my cycle is really late. I'm not preggo and so I messaged my doctor. I knew I was getting to that age, but having him tell me was like a sucker punch to the stomach.

    I've started looking in the mirror for the first time in years and now see thinning hair, lots of wrinkles, sagging skin and just someone that is now 20 years older.

    This is so very hard and I find myself grieving my younger years. The ones that I lost and can't get back.
     
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  18. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Embrace your beauty. Before and now. I try to see it as older and wiser and the scars and thin hair and wrinkles were earned. Really earned lol

    Being so active at the football club at the high school I see a lot of moms our age and unless they've had some serious surgeries to look way younger...they aged too. And i wonder sometimes how many are in our shoes as an SO. Then i start to think the ones that had all the face lifts and boob jobs are probably the ones.

    I hated mirrors until recently. But I made it a point when I started my own recovery here to stare at myself in it and say out loud: you look great today.

    Even on the bad hair days I do it.

    If you can find at least 30 minutes a day to exercise, even a walk, you immediately feel the benefits and feel better, more confident and then start to see the gorgeous person you are.
     
  19. ccrowegreen

    ccrowegreen Fapstronaut

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    6/15/2019 - Tough Conversations

    This morning started out with a tough grown-up conversation with my 16 year old daughter. I have known she has been Ming for a little while now and on video with boys. We have put blocks and monitoring on devices to prevent the videos from happening anymore.

    Yesterday, while sitting on the couch with her, the couch started to vibrate. I knew immediately what was going on and I got up kinda playing it cool and went into another room. I had a talk with my husband and we were trying to decide how to approach this with her. Her therapist didn't feel she could emotionally handle us telling her about her dad, but we decided that, even though hard and a risk, we thought it was time to tell her.

    My husband went to work this morning and I had "the talk with her". She surprisingly was very mature and open to talking about it all and interested in learning more. I tried really hard not to make her feel dirty, like a monster, or bad about what she was doing. I think she was receptive and she didn't seem to want to crawl under a rock. I came at this with empathy and truly caring about her well being and her future.

    What I'm about to say now, I'll probably get hate on, but that's okay. We are all grown up here and allowed to have various opinions.

    When I was younger, I was not given or didn't feel like I was given the choice to make decisions about my own body. I ended up doing something that if I had felt empowered, armed with knowledge, and stronger I wouldn't have done. My parents didn't provide me with the tools or support I needed to think for myself and stand in my truth. It was always fear of god and telling me how bad I was. Which in hindsight, I was a damn good young person.

    I don't want my daughter to EVER feel like she doesn't have control of her own body and can't make decisions for herself. So, I'm going to keep educating her, supporting her, and giving her the choice about her body. Now, don't get me wrong because of her age things that are illegal etc like the videos we will put a stop to. I'm not talking about that here. I'm also not going to enable (we had thought about it, like buying her a vibrator for safety reasons, but we decided that was not a good idea)

    My family has a long line of addicts on both my mom and dads side. I don't drink, do drugs, gamble, M or P, or any of that stuff because I know that it runs in my blood. I stay clear of it and don't take the chance. With that being said, I also don't think just because you drink you are automatically an alcoholic, or because you go to the casinos here and there you automatically have a gambling addiction, or if you M or watch P every once in awhile that you are automatically a SA/PA.

    So, I'm not going to jump to say my daughter is an addict. I am educating her, empowering her and will continue to on the effects of M and P. I don't know why she is doing it or IF it is a problem, but I want to get her into another therapist and keep open communication with her. I will give her the tools and support she needs to help herself.

    After our conversation today, husband came home from work and my daughter and I went to get pedicures and lunch. I think she had a good time. I think she didn't feel judged, but loved.

    Who knows if what we are doing is right, but all we can do it keep trying and keep talking and keep loving. Hoping with every generation starting with us, a little more addiction leaves our blood and we help break the cycle.
     
  20. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    As a Mother I fully understand how awkward these conversations can be, but it sounds like you handled it SO well. She came away from your conversation with knowledge and NO SHAME. I think this is the most important part. We are all sexual beings and it can not be ignored but has to be discussed openly and honestly. Well done Mama!!! My son is going through puberty right now and I have been looking for resources to help arm me about discussing P. Culture Reframed has wonderful advice and Fight THe New Drug has a new documentary that sounds like it would be perfect to watch with your daughter. It is called "Brain Heart World" and has a 7 day free download.
     

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