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Journal - My road to success

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Hope777, Feb 21, 2016.

  1. Hope777

    Hope777 Fapstronaut

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    I'm 21 years old. I have been masturbating to porn a lot these few years. Before I turned 18, I wasn't viewing a lot of porn. I was masturbating, but not watching a ton of porn. I took a lot of breaks where I would not watch porn for 3 month str8 or so. Still was feeling a lot of awkwardness around people and just didn't feel like myself. That's cuz I was still masturbating although I wasn't watching that much porn. See masturbating without porn is like taking a smaller dose of a drug when compared to masturbating with porn. However I was masturbating a lot like 3/4 times a day. I would occasionally take some days off just because I was too tired of it. At the age of 17 I stopped masturbating and watching any type of porn or anything that would basically arouse me for about 4/5 months str8. After that I started feeling powerful, like everything in life is easy. I could deal with any circumstance. No shyness, no tiredness, just str8 energetic ambitious, motivated and most importantly happy. Very happy, I could tell that I was feeling a lot happier than most people around me. I felt like an alpha male, where people would respect me and look up to me. Talking to girls was so easy, like if it was so natural to do. I didn't have to put any effort into it. I got a girlfriend at that time. Things escalated quickly and I was never shy about expressing my feelings towards her. However I had to move for college. We were still talking even when I started and everything felt normal at the beginning. I met a lot of other girls in college. I hooked up with some of them at the time and started separating myself from her.Then we stopped talking as days go on. Until we just found ourselves separating and everyone going in his own direction. and that was the end of it. Nothing with the other girls were serious and when I found myself suddenly alone and started to look up some porn. It felt exciting at the time, but soon I started to feel miserable. Since the age of 18 till now 21 I have been watching porn and masturbating constantly. I didn't realize that porn and masturbation was the reason for all of this until I first examined my life, then looked up online if masturbation and porn has anything to do with why my life started spiraling down instead of being so promising. The last 3 years of my life are on of my most miserable years. I started slaking in school, lost motivation to talk to girls, just felt awkward around everyone. Its like if I am different and I always ask myself what is wrong with me. Why am I not as normal as them. Wasn't happy, depressed all the time. I remember I used to be like this sometime in my childhood when I overmasturbated. About a year ago I realized that porn is the reason for all of these problems. I am still not able to quit. I cant stop myself from looking up porn or masturbating. Which is why I am creating this thread right now. I have never tried hard to do something in a long time. Therefore, it about time to get serious. All I want is to go back to that person who is strong and powerful in mind as I used to be. Starting from this moment there will be no more watching porn, no masturbation. I am now motivated and ready to fight this battle. Everyone reading this is going to witness me beating this addiction. Its done, the moment I said I am done doing this shit, its over in my head. Now you all just need to wait and see it happen. Everytime I feel tempted I would just open this thread and remind myself of why I am quitting and remember that everyone who is reading this thread is expecting to quit to and update on results, so its not only for me. I used porn to calm myself and run away from reality, now its time to face it and explore all of my emotions/feelings the good and the bad. I only have bright days to look up to.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
    R1111444 and cubs2516 like this.
  2. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    I guess I wont be the only one who will say that totally understands to what you feel!

    It is exactly me. Back in a days. But you have wonderful advantage - you remember that you are able to be a different person without PMO. So, whats wrong? You can do it again! It doesnt mean you dont see any results today, that you wont see them in month - or 3months.

    You dont want to be this person anymore. And thats good you know that. I ll take some time but you are young. Do some decision now how you change your life and do it immediatelly! Take those difficult steps forward!

    Dont forget that NOFAP is a fuel - not a vehicle. You are the vehicle, I was waiting for NOFAP to getting me power but I was wrong it ll give you fuel to do things and you have to start to do them!!!

    Keep up man, you can surely do it!!!
     
  3. Hope777

    Hope777 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man,

    Defiantly Miracles wont just happen by quitting, but you will be able to dream again, have motivation, goals. Have a Life !! When I get that fuel back, I will be wanting to change even more. PMO is like motivation, energy, happiness being sucked out of my body.

    In truth its the same thing in everything, taking an advantage of drinking, partying too hard enjoying yourself more than you should. It all will eventually become less satisfying the more you do them, you will just get used to everything and life wont be interesting and enjoyable any more. I wanna have that excitement back when I first listened to a music or when someone got me a small gift. Its about being able to enjoy the small things in life.

    The key to all of that is balance and you can reach that with discipline. PMO has always been there in front of me to easy to grab, I got used to things been given to me without working hard for them. I need to teach myself moderation and that a person must work hard to get what he wants. NO PMO is a great will power/discipline builder. Always remember, the harder it is, the sweeter the prize !
     
  4. Hope777

    Hope777 Fapstronaut

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    Its only been a day and its time for me to usually start watching porn at this hour where I am alone now in my room, just right before I go to bed. The fact that I have people reading my thread, encouraging me and expecting me to go all the way without a relapse gives me a huge boost of motivation to stop PMO. Its a lot easier to fight urges knowing that all I have to do is open my thread or read other people stories and motivate them. This is such a blessing to actually have people standing by your side facing your same problems and fighting it all together. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. TOGETHER WE ALL CAN DO THIS !!!
     
  5. Hope777

    Hope777 Fapstronaut

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    3 days its been since I intentionally decided to watch porn or touch myself down there. All I want to say is just that I wish I started this thread earlier. Its seriously a relapse blocker. I am now more motivated to succeed than to give in. I don't want to disappoint not only myself but all other people watching this thread by relapsing and saying "Ow well I fucked up as usual, lets try again". Every time I get those urges, I remember that I need to update on how I feel with nofap and that motivates me to not do it. I recommend everyone who is just watching other people's threads to go make his own thread and give himself this boost of motivation and discipline to control the urges and stop relapsing. I have been so numbed to my feelings that I just didn't know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I am starting to reevaluate myself. Its like I am discovering myself, I feel different. The problem is that now I am starting to experience fear from people around me, fear from not being good enough. Its the exact reason why I started PMO, but I have been so numbed to it that I didn't realize its their anymore. Those feelings create an urge to go back to my old habits, but this time I say NO, I will face them and I will get over them. Its now or never, I am not gonna spend the rest of my life running from what I am afraid of.
     
  6. Hope777

    Hope777 Fapstronaut

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    Yes I failed, Yes I relapsed, Yes not only once but 3 times right now after only 3 days. I am feeling down now, I am starting to feel like its no use. All what happened is that I watched a music video and it got me too horny and I couldn't resist anymore. Man why did I do it. Its my fault I cant tempt myself and then expect to succeed. I need to feed the right wolf as they say. The more I do things out of my comfort zone and disciple myself, to study and do whatever I need to do on time without excuses, without procrastination. Then I will build enough will power to resist temptations when they come. BUT If I tempt myself too much, stay in my comfort zone, waiting for miracles to happen; I will see no results. Well I admit it, I am still weak, very weak. I will try to focus on doing the stuff that I do not want to do because that is usually what I should be doing, which I know if I wasn't addicted to PMO, I would be able to do them with a breeze. But until that time comes where I have enough fuel from nofap to go out and experience life to the fullest, I will push myself as much as I can. Technically that should help speed up the process because that what Nofap already gives you: motivation to go out and do what you have to do with a clear mind and the will to succeed.
     

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