Journal: Journey to 100 Days

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by potato bop, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Sorry if this post is really long, I have a lot of thoughts in my head rn lol. I want to introduce myself before starting this journal.

    So basically I'm here because of the NoFap challenge (Lite mode) and I really need social support lol. I've been very isolated ever since I'd say eighth grade (now a senior in high school). Been through depression and social anxiety, and still struggling with my anxiety. Thankfully I'm utilizing a therapist for that.

    Longest I've gone is I think eight days for PMO and nine days on Lite mode. I'm going for Lite mode because I believe it's normal to masturbate, but I am going to try to shift my thoughts on what exactly I masturbate to.

    I've been REALLY unmotivated (demotivated?) this year. The best indicator of that is my 70 average in my AP English class. Also, my senior project is due in three days and I've done very little work on it. If you receive a failing grade on it, you can't graduate from high school that year. Normally I'm the typical 'A' student, but even though this semester's course load is relatively light for me, I'm performing way below par.

    Here are a few of the other things I'm struggling with and/or falling behind on: applying to division III colleges so I can play on their tennis team; applying to colleges per instruction from my online college counselor; playing tennis in general; waking up on time for school; playing too many videogames; social anxiety; asking out a girl who has showed definite interest in me that I also like.

    Do I think Lite mode will solve a lot of this for me? Heck yeah. A lot of my problems are related to low self-esteem, and although I felt some of this is attributed to living with my once overly strict parents, now I'm realizing that literally the only person holding myself back is me. I know for a fact the type of porn I watch really makes me lose confidence in myself. And you know, I used to be the type of kid who was never influenced by the environment I grew up in. Basically I never told myself BS excuses whenever I would be lazy. However, that's no longer the case. A lot of this is me relapsing from no longer being that incredibly isolated kid and wanting to simply be normal, but I know this 50%, half-assed version of myself needs to be done away with.

    Hopefully this amazing community will help me become the person I used to be. And now that I'm done with pouring out my thoughts in this intro, it's time for me to start actually writing my journal entries :).

    Day 0:
    Alright, failed today. Basically stayed up until 4am, woke up at noon, stayed in bed playing videogames until 3, and did the deed at about 3pm. Need to work on a lot of things but I'm not motivated and I don't believe in myself.
     
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  2. FakeMichau

    FakeMichau Fapstronaut

    In my opinion doing hardmode gives you more "umph" (xD) when you are on streak. This feeling when you can make it without P or M despite sometimes you want to do this stuff, is just hard to explain.
     
  3. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Hi
    Glad to see you've started a journal. That will certainly help you.
    Doing nofap with only "no porn" can be a very good thing.
    I 'm doing the same, and the longer I am without porn, the less I have urges to masturbate.
    Good luck anyway! Good things are coming your way!
     
  4. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, appreciate the support.
     
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  5. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Day 1: alright, this is cool. Honestly this tracker makes me want to go 30 days at least. Ok anyways. I stayed up late again (ugh), but I did a little bit of homework. However, I need to get started on my AP English work. And really work on my graduation project. Also played tennis, felt really good there. And ran for fifteen minutes after.

    Update: Woo its just past midnight now, did about three hours of work on my senior project (yay I'm not being as lazy any more), was debating whether to work on it some more but I'm rly tired. Soooo time for me to sleep? Or play Pokemon until 1am, tbh I think I deserve it lol
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
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  6. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Days 2 and 3 (this is late I know, sorry): Been coping pretty well, tbh I'm scared to commit to this whole thing lol. Really busy with my senior project so haven't had time to get distracted by my urges, which is great. Feel it would be too hard and if I fail, I'll just relapse harder than ever.

    Day 0: Geez I bombed it, in terms of this challenge, ALTHOUGH I've been doing well in other aspects of my life except being more social. Been feeling really depressed and lethargic all day since I stayed up until 2:30am like an idiot. My energy level was just so low! I know if I went on this website daily it would've definitely helped. I thought about playing tennis instead of staying after school to help set up an art show, but I had to get hours in for my club so I did that. If I exercised (which I haven't really had time to do all week because of my senior project), it definitely would've been a mood booster since I enjoy it so much. Also saw my ex-gf with my former best friend from middle school, so that probably made me feel more shit. What sucks even more is that guy was my only friend too >.> Honestly every time I see her it's almost like I'm stabbed in the heart, it hurts to see that she's moved on while I still feel like I'm in square one mentally and socially.

    Strange thing is I haven't felt depressed in a while. Anxiety, yes, but depression? No. It's probably my addicted mind telling me I need to go back to my old ways, although it's a slew of other factors as well. Best way to work through it rn is I think through NoFap. In fact, even though I'm still going Lite mode, I'm going to attempt to make the small step of not masturbating until I get all my crap done. However, I'm taking things slow. I used to be very, very hard on myself from seventh grade to now, and although it's been a source of motivation to always give my best, its worn me down emotionally and mentally. I have to figure out how to enjoy life while giving my all in everything I do without letting the stress affect my mood and personality.

    Part of that means being in a support group. I used to isolate myself from everybody throughout all my high school years, just because I felt no one could relate to my depression and the family situation I was in at that time. I made some pretty bad mistakes during that time period too I would rather not talk about. So being a part of this forum should help me since I'm not relying so much on myself anymore. Honestly, right now I'm sick of that.

    However, I accomplished quite a bit before relapsing. Even though I stayed up until 2:30am the previous night, I got to school on time instead of staying in bed when my mom woke me up. I've been going back to my old habit of working on schoolwork whenever I've a free minute. Even though it stresses me out, I have to realize that simple stress is just a part of life. Although I swear when I focus solely on school, I become a lot less social, which is happened yesterday. Oh yeah, also the fact I stayed with the club, which is an obligation, instead of playing tennis, which isn't, is a plus. Makes me feel more responsible. Also, even though I relapsed, I'm going to be working on homework. It's currently 4:00am lol, but instead of sleeping I'm going to get some stuff done instead of getting more sleep. I got seven hours already anyways.

    Edit: Btw I'm going to start rly making a point of posting here daily, EVEN IF its just a simple sentence or two.
     
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  7. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Yes it's recommended to stay committed. Keep yourself on track.
    Writing here can really help you. As well as reading others stories and replying there as well.
    #together :)
     
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  8. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Hey I agree man, I could go a little further. I'm trying to build some more confidence though before I do, in fact I'm going to try to at least abstain from M until right before I sleep. Whether I'm able to accomplish is still up for debate lol. I just wanna start out slow, hope you understand :)
     
  9. FakeMichau

    FakeMichau Fapstronaut

    Just don't stay in this state forever :D
     
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  10. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    ah geez day 0. i need to set my standards higher
     
  11. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Been a while since I've posted here hence my 39 day "streak" which didnt happen. However i got a week free from porn, pretty happy about that.if I just stay busy this addiction of mine will pass hopefully. Also my life in general is improving, becoming more positive etc. Ill keep coming here or at least try so i can stay on track

    Also if i just focus on girls irl that helps too. Rather that than pornstars who r disgusting imo
     
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  12. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Day zero: basically just writing this post to remind myself im staying STRONG tonight. I have to stay as alert as possible, got an important event tomorrow!!! And really imma try to stay P free this whole school week. Why not, I did it last week without even thinking about it? Ill check out a book too to keep myself busy over the weekend.
     
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  13. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    This is a reboot day... normally just watching porn w/out "finishing" wouldnt be reason for me to do do but Im setting my standards higher.

    Fyi im not doing the best with this, BUT my anxiety is so much lower than it used to be. Ceasing my watching of porn will just decrease it even more!!! So Im rly looking forward to me achieving that goal.
     
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  14. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Im super duper happy and positive feeling, even if I lost my three day streak a day ago. All im trying to improve is my social confidence and even tho my porn controlling habits arent kicking in, Im a lot more relaxed than I used to be!!! I thought my anxiety was due to porn and some of it is, but I was missing other things as well. Like a damn purpose in life, I used to be really selfish but Im starting to help others as well... I used to suppress my giving side for so damn long *sigh* im just a lot more circumspect in general too. Have a great day if ur reading this!
     
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  15. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    YEAH FOUR DAYS WOOOO
     
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  16. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Dang it, back to zero. Like you said michau, I'm going to stop taking this slow. I don't care how many times I fail, I want to actually change myself through NoFap. I've got to break free from this complacent mindset of mine and shoot high. Starting now, I'm aiming for a week minimum. No exceptions.
     
  17. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Heck I even changed the title of my thread to something more serious and goal-oriented. Next is to get a good (god i hate using that word) profile pic
     
  18. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Day 0: Meep moop. I like crashed mentally and couldnt go to school today. Utter exhaustion rip Im working too hard
     
  19. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    Day 0 (again): why do i fail most often the harder i try?
     
  20. potato bop

    potato bop Fapstronaut

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    I literally failed like five times today. I feel like there is this mental roadblock I have, Im almost afraid of investing too much of my effort into quitting porn because I incorrectly convince myself that I'll eventually fail. And that the harder I try the worse I will fail, that this addiction is a vicious cycle I can't escape from. That isn't true! Setbacks are inevitable but they only make you stronger. I want to feel invincible and confident, I want to succeed and give my best effort in everything I do. I can do this, especially since I know why I end up losing my streak (can't get up for school because I procrastinated and stayed up too late doing HW) and how to prevent it (focus on real girls not disgusting pornstars, stay positive, stay busy with schoolwork and life in general). Right now I'm going to take my first shower in two days and clean up all the dirty dishes I have laying around my room. Only the best and no less.
     
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