Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You ARE NOT AN idiot . If your an idiot then all us SO’s are idiots. Please don’t take this the wrong way , you are LUCKY to know what you know this early . If you you can get out of the relationship , if that’s what you REALLY SEE in front of you in your heart , then do it , if you think he’s not going to change , believe what he has shown you . 23 years together. 15 years of this rabbit hole . I love my boys , but if I could go back to each DDAY and smack younger , confident self upside the head I would have gotten out of it , to REALLY see everything I would have left so damned fast . Being in love with a PA /SA is NOT for the weak ! 06’ , 09’ , 16’ , 19’ , 19’
    Those are just the significant findings , NOT THE everything in between . Heartache , sadness , depression, betrayal trauma , PTSD .
    Be strong , stay on here , even if it’s to hear that YOU are not the crazy one ♥️
     
  2. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    He lost a marriage and a child over this already, so he knows full well how this goes and has kept on and kept lying. I think you are right to leave.
     
  3. I know what will happen when he gets home. He is going to be so willing to do whatever it takes to stay.
     
  4. I'm looking at the accountable2you software being installed today if he mentions wanting to stay and try to work on it.
    I get really strong about kicking him out and then I feel sorry for him and let him stay. That's the usual cycle. I have never asked for the software though. Hopefully he just refuses and leaves.
     
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  5. Mind blowing, isn't it?
     
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You were not an idiot , please don’t talk to yourself like that. You loved , trusted and accepted. Unfortunately you met an addict. They are professional liars, manipulators and academy award winning actors. He taught you some valuable lessons...and when you see the gift in the lesson your healing will begin. In the meantime...you are wise, intuitive, kind and patient. Be good to YOU.
    You have had enough emotional beatings to last a lifetime...love the playful little girl who is waiting for you...deep inside your heart and soul.
    Healing prayers sent your way..
     
  7. Entry # 6 I think - WOW. Another day of mind blowing revelations. The mask is slowly sliding off.

    He has a work phone! Only had this job for 3 months and didn't say anything about it. New tactic has been to not be on his phone at all since I have asked him not to be on the sites. Or at least not be on the phone where I can tell. Funny that I was told he couldn't be on the phone because he needed it for directions, etc. all the while there was another phone. When I said why didn't you tell me, he said I did. HAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry but it's funny. Nice attempt at a gaslight. I would have remembered that and I've never seen it, ever. I'm starting to get a mental picture of what his life actually looks like.

    We installed the accountable2you software yesterday, or so I thought. No report to me today and it was supposedly set up to send daily. Damn dude. It's all coming out in front of my eyes.
     
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  8. Entry 7 - accountability software fixed and working. I am relieved to be getting the reports. I know there is a long road ahead but he is doing the things I ask even if with hesitancy at times. That is progress. I feel like I can relax a bit now with that software in place. No longer need to rely on his ability to tell the truth.
     
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  9. Entry 8 - It's been close to a month now since the last D-Day (June 26th). I've been writing more in my personal journal over the last few days. I've also gone back to my entries at D-Day and shortly after. I started writing a few months ago when things were relatively calm in my life, so this is the first time I can go back to see myself and thoughts during a discovery. Today I read those and to the side wrote summaries of the emotions that the sentences conveyed. Shock, anger to the point of rage, extreme sadness, hopelessness, panic, fear, despair and others are present in those words. It's very valuable to be able to look at my journal to see what this does to me psychologically.

    Over the years this has affected me in so many ways. Loss of confidence in myself is #1 thing I see. Maybe I had an over-inflated view of myself before, but probably not. It was a gradual change over time to now a complete lack of care about how I look. I no longer wear makeup or even care about how I look. I used to take pride in my beauty. At some point, I decided it was no use because I could never compare to all of the women he looked at. I am painfully aware of my age and my shortcomings. I think this is one of the bigger things I will have to work on in the future and it will probably take a lot of time. It sounds crazy but I washed my face and put on moisturizer today. I can't remember the last time I did that. I think in the face of everything, I just gave up on myself. I knew that those around me who truly loved me didn't care about my appearance and I just stopped putting in the work that I used to put in to feel proud of who looked back at me in the mirror.

    The other major thing I noticed in the impacts is the inability to function. I have always been a person who managed work, family and home life fairly well. With each discovery, I have become less able to manage my life. I've missed work too many times, not kept up with my children's activities and become a person who is barely able to make it through the day. This is my first area I'd like to work on in the upcoming days. The fog has lifted a bit and I am going to work consciously on making that shift back to being the responsible person I was so proud of.

    I don't know how this will play out for him. Whether he will come over the other side or not. I continue to hope that he will because with this aside, he was what I had hoped for in a life partner. I do know now that this is the last time I recover with him in the picture. If I discover something without being told, I jump off this crazy train and into something different, whatever that may be. I'm relieved to have a sense of calm today. There are no doubt things around the corner, especially because I haven't been told the whole truth, but in the quiet moments I can gather some of my strength back and some of my sanity. Another day coming to a close.
     
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  10. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry for that.. of course you know your situation the best.. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing... I'm just trying my best not to throw dirt on your SO.. even though he deserves it somewhat.... I just think it's good for people to try 100% to salvage their relationship before throwing in the towel...
     
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  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Right now I think the most important thing is to take care of your well-being first... Give that priority... You are a wonderful human being who deserves the best in the world... Focus on your physical and mental mental wellbeing, and on bettering yourself.....
     
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  12. I think it less about him as a person and more about what this addiction does to someone.
     
  13. I appreciate this. It's what I'm working on or trying to work on. I apologize for the anger that comes across in my posts. This is the place where I dump a lot of that. Of course I am trying to salvage this and then be realistic at the same time. It's quite a line to try to walk. As most SOs, I go back and forth over the line of wanting to make it work and wanting to leave. I honestly believe that is fight or flight in a very real form.
     
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  14. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    That's exactly what I meant...I mean, I am a guy who absolutely detests porn, And even now I occasionally get powerful urges to pmo and false messages from my addicted part of my mind like "pmo is not wrong at all! It's just a way for you to relieve stress.. You have been working hard... You need some relaxation in the form of PMO..."
    I KNOW that pmo is absolute poison, that it damages men, hurts their spouses terribly, and is an unnatural thing totally against my religion, and I take strong steps to drive out porn from my life, but at the moment of temptations, all those voices of reason become very weak ..... thankfully now I am in the process of throwing this PMO out of my life totally... I don't want to suffer from this anymore, nor do I want to make my future wife suffer.... I want to give the best of myself to my future wife, just as I want her to give the best of herself to me...
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    One important thing.....I am totally committed to change myself, I accept that this is something I ought not to do, and constantly try to take steps towards walking a better path...
    Your SO needs to take a lot of initiative, and commit to changing... He already has a divorce behind him.... He needs to consider seriously and atleast show the will to change... And atleast take baby steps to change (such as accountability towards you, as you guys are doing now etc)...
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Heartbroken you are correct, it is fight/ flight response...however there’s another one freeze.
    Stick around long enough and you become a deer in the headlights, like I did. I literally froze, I had nothing more to give, couldn’t lift my arms/shoulders, turn my head, sleep for more than an hour, the emotional pain was so intense.
    Take care of you...no one else will.
     
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  17. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Focus on trying to be at peace with yourself and happy inside, even if your external circumstances are bad... Definitely have hope that your life will get better...Definitely have a firm belief that you are a good,valuable, and wonderful person.. and CULTIVATE that hope... Even if circumstances beyond your control make you feel less worthy, dismiss those negative feelings firmly with self affirmations of your worth...
    For myself, my faith in God gives me hope and strength even if things are dark externally...
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  18. This is my last round. I hate what you are going through and continue to go through. Porn kills love.
     
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  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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  20. Entry 9 - I was looking at my previous posts. I can't count.

    Feeling very down this evening. My partner has been working 6 days a week and 14+ hours a day. I think he is avoiding me. Maybe not but I definitely feel like I am being punished. I guess it's just easier to work all the time than deal with me. He says he has no choice and they have a lot of jobs right now. I don't know if I believe that or anything really. What I thought my life was has been crushed in all of this. I guess the worst part is that I just sit here thinking, is this what our life looks like moving into the future? I know he drives to different jobs, there is no messaging me or calling me during that. We used to talk a lot and now it's so much silence. The silence is almost deafening. I know he is avoiding his phone right now as that was where the PMO happened so I wonder if that's why. On top of everything else, now my life feels like it is spent in isolation. Ugh. There just has to be more to life than this.

    I'm glad I don't have work for the next few days. I can rest. My body needs that so badly after all the chaos of the last month but...he and I used to rest together. He is off tomorrow. Maybe we can talk and I can get a sense of what is going on. He seems to be doing good with refraining from the PMO but also, when he doesn't get in until after I am asleep and I see him for 20 minutes in the morning, I really don't know. With me working and him working all the time, things around the house are out of control. It's a mess that I can't even begin to think about or take on right now. At least I got back into the work routine again. I started off badly this week missing Monday because I was just so upset. Going back and getting into the swing of things was a good step back in the right direction. I have been listening to Intimate Deception on audible during the day. I listened to a clip today that I saw on a member's profile called, Nerd out on Bonding. I enjoyed that and I think it's true that we are social animals that need strong bonds and companionship. I am more aware of how alone I am after listening to that. I guess I am grieving what I had dreamed our relationship would be in the beginning.

    My plans for the next few days are to make a trip to the grocery store (I haven't had time or felt like I was up for it) and working on cleaning my house. There is too much stuff here that I have had trouble sorting through after my grandma's death. I hope I can make some progress. Every box that I am able to get out the door to donate feels like a weight lifted. Guess I just need to focus on the things I can do that make me feel better and create a sense of accomplishment and pride in myself. I guess it really is a long road from here.
     
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