Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Exactly THIS . ♥️
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Lies will never build a relationship, EVER. GOOD FOR YOU for not accepting anything less than honesty, and truth.
  3. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    In my own recovery, I realized I had to be honest with my wife about my PMO, even though I knew it would hurt her to learn of it, because otherwise there would be no relationship at all. It was a big discovery to learn this! (My family growing up was all lies all the time, so I thought that was normal and expected; I never made the connection between the lying and the poor quality of the relationships there.) So, after 15 years of secrecy and hiding, I confessed everything to her, and I have done my best to be honest with her ever since. That was a few years ago. Our relationship has improved about 1000% since then, and I have no desire in my heart to ever deceive her again about anything.

    What you know to be true, is. What these others encourage you in is entirely accurate. I tell my children all the time these days: "Without honesty, there can be no relationship."
  4. Entry #5 - Back at it again this morning. Writing here in the morning has become a ritual now that I appreciate so much! I used to write in a personal journal, so switching to here is replacing that at the moment. I used to do "Morning Pages" and those are 3 pages non-stop. Probably why I write so much when I do write, lol! I made the switch because I think that talking in the open is more helpful than in isolation.

    For the first time in several weeks I woke up today feeling good about myself!

    Yesterday, I completed a task that I have put off for about 6 months (if not longer) - cleaning out my grandma's house. My grandma passed away a year and a half ago. She was a big part of my life and basically a mother for a lot of my life when my mom and I were not close. Her death devastated me. The cycle of addiction with my partner has been going on since before her death and I remember being with her in the nursing home and wondering what he was doing at home while I was there. Ouch. So many times when I needed his support, it wasn't there or worse, I was worried about what he was doing. I know he tried to be supportive but I know that his struggles cause him to instinctively avoid and not really know how to deal with uncomfortable emotional situations. I didn't get that before, but I get it now. I appreciate that he tried.

    I had a lot of support yesterday from my family. I was glad my partner had to work. I could not have focused on that task with him there. There's too much going on between us for me to be able to be "normal" around him right now. This was a learning experience for me because it let me identify some of the people who can be supports for me. I went to my partner for a long time seeking support and always wondered why I never felt better after, especially with emotional things. It was because he doesn't have the skill-set for this yet. I know he wants to be supportive of me but he is unable to process his own emotions, let alone someone else's. One of the biggest ways to be supportive of someone is to sit with them in the uncomfortable parts of what they are going through. Think of a friend who has had a break up or a death. There really isn't much you can say or do other than sit with them in that uncomfortable place so they know they are not alone. I'm glad I pushed through getting this done. We were not able to get everything but we probably got 75% completed! It's a huge weight off my shoulders. I had scheduled this truck 3 times before and each time I was too emotional to follow through with it. I see it as a sign that I am becoming more mentally healthy now and better able to handle challenges as they come.

    My PA is working today. Some of you who have been following me know that I was planning to stop being here as soon as he started to reach out for support here. Basically that hasn't happened yet, so I'm still here. Am I disappointed that he continues to find reasons to put off sharing his story and reaching out for support here? Yes. Is that a common thing for people with this addiction? I don't know. Maybe you guys can provide some insight.

    In the past when a discovery would happen things would go well for a few weeks. He would promise to seek out therapy and resources and never follow through. I would eventually relax a bit in our lives and he would go back to his secret only hiding it better. I think we are in that again. He promised a lot of things, but has not shown any initiative in following through. He actually seems to get frustrated and angry when I mention it, saying things like, "I've been working all day" and "I said I will do it and I will" and "I will but not right now". Classic avoidance. A common theme in his life and something I see as hindering his development in so many areas. I hope he works on figuring out why he avoids things that are uncomfortable. I get that it's hard but nothing changes unless you change!

    The good thing is that I am not attempting to control his recovery. It has to be something he makes the choice to do. So i'm still here, writing, trying to be engaged with others and seeking out resources. SOs are so good at that I've noticed. I think that is easier for us.

    Today will be a good day for me. I will make it that. I have a million boxes to sort through from all the things we brought here yesterday. I am glad for something to keep me busy and give me a sense of purpose right now. I also plan to sit down and sketch out my priorities for the week. This is something I feel really good about and something I am unable to do during periods of "crisis". I'm starting to get back to normal or at least a new normal. This time, I have a real understanding that things may not get better for us as a couple but I have the be the best person I can be for myself and for my kids either way.
    MrBean likes this.
  5. Your story is powerful to me! I agree 100%. I really appreciate your words because they give me hope and the validate what I know in my heart to be true. Thank you for your post and thank you for being here to support everyone.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Incredibly common. Shame and fear of exposure are part of what give PMO its power; it stays secret and hidden, and thus festers and grows in the dark, until it becomes very, very well entrenched. I spoke of my PMO to *no one* for over 20 years. It was my secret shame and so incongruent with the rest of my life that I could not face it directly without some serious cognitive dissonance. I think this is the story for many, many PAs.

    Daylight is what is needed, but shame must leave the picture entirely for that to feel safe to enter into. And ridding oneself of shame is a difficult task indeed. It is what confounded me early in recovery for months. A fuller understanding and practice of my faith is what helped me break out of guilt and shame, and I think that is why 12-step programs and their reliance on a "higher power" are so effective. Your PA will need to wrestle through this, too, if he is ever to make progress. It is hard and takes a lot of time and energy. Unless the pain of staying stuck is greater then the pain of change, change is unlikely to occur. I do not begin to realize the need for change in my own life until I felt I would die if I did not get free of P. Rock bottom is where many need to end up before they are broken out of the insane fever dream of addiction.
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Take this from me , do not leave this site when you “ think “ he’s doing well “. You will need a tribe too . ♥️
  8. I have hoped (and continue to hope) that if he comes here and starts to share his story, some of the shame would go away. I think he would see that he is not alone in this and not a "bad person" because of it. I hope he finds the courage to take that step.
    Tao Jones and Lostneverland like this.
  9. I have to admit, it bothers me that he wants me to get off the site when he starts to reach out. To me, the only part of that which makes sense is that he doesn't want me to see things that might hurt me before he tells me about them. BUT I am trustworthy and I can mute him, he can mute me. Could it be possible that he sees the shift in me from desperation to empowerment and that's why he is asking this?
    Lostneverland and kropo82 like this.
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Very possible. He doesn’t have to tell you his name . That will be better for the both of you . You can change your name . There’s so many sub forums .
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    One important thing that is urge you to keep in mind is that people, especially guys, especially people with long-entrenched habits, find change (even a change for the better) quite difficult.... It may cause a void in them that can be disconcerting...
    So even though you should demand that he change (for his own good as well as for your relationship), I'd advise you too be very patient and loving with him... When the pmo withdrawals kick in, there may occur extreme emotional pain, emotional instability, depression, anxiety etc.... which the recovering addict may try to mask behind a show of strength.... So I'd advise you showering unconditional love and care for him, without being condescending towards him...
  12. Not a good evening. He just want to put off making an effort that I have suggested. He came home from work today and I wanted to talk about it. Try to get it more out in the open. He said there was nothing he could do about it tonight. I asked what is different about tonight and any other night. He got mad. He grabbed the laptop to start an account here and I just said you know this isn't right and that you need to post when you really want to and not to get me off your back. I'm in one bedroom and he is in another. This shit is stupid.
    Lostneverland likes this.
  13. Really struggling this morning. I have to go to work and I hate waking up and being upset. He says he doesn't want to talk about it because we fight. Well how about not having this to fight about then? I'm mad at myself right now. Why do I continue to live in a life where I am so unhappy?
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Yes the bullshit is didn’t call it that, but it is. It’s frustrating, anger provoking, fear based insecurity that just goes around in circles. I honestly at times felt like saying.,.” For heavens sakes just go play with yourself and be happy, you miserable old baboon.” you have any idea how challenging it is to shower unconditional love on a person who continues to lie, deceive and betray. Sometimes loving from a distance is the best scenario all the way around. How many times do you take an emotional beating before you eventually walk out the door for self preservation.

    It’s like beating and kicking a dog over and over again because every time you come home the dog barks in joy and excitement. You get out of your vehicle and yell, and kick the dog one day, and the next day because you’re having a good day you greet the dog happily. Continue that behaviour and soon the dog will be standoffish and distant and may even bite when approached. Trust has been destroyed.

    I know for me I had to , have to decide, what’s important to me . What do I want my life to look like? What kind of value do I place on myself? If I’m deserving of a happy and joyous relationship, then it’s up to me.

    Heartbrokenscared...deep breath and imagine giving him back all his behaviour and attitude. Take all the feelings and emotions...put them in a sac and imagine giving them to him.let it all go to him. Deep breath and there the weight is gone. The issues are his to deal with.
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  15. Entry #5 I think - Last night was bad. We had a fight, not a screaming fight but a fight. For the past week I have been trying to be supportive but also sending videos and resources to him every day. He just brushes it off and doesn't engage in anything I sent or feel the need to talk more. Then wants to ask about things was your day. The part of me that is just so over this, wants to be like...really, how do you think my day was?!

    I opened up with his ex-wife today. Their marriage ended because of this. She has been very supportive and is sorry that this is happening to me now too. I needed to talk to her because I am not mentally stable enough to be a good influence on their son right now. She said she understands. I wanted her to understand if we need to change the visitation schedule, why it was happening. Also, if I tell him he has to go, why I am doing that.

    I think it's time to end it. I'm so mentally unstable right now. I hate missing work because I am just so upset. I think I am ready to step out into the unknown aka life without him. Any advice is welcome.
  16. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    It is very telling that PMO has already cost him one relationship. Some do find their way to long-term recovery. Sadly, most do not. Trust your gut. It is a very tough spot to be in, but you can do what you need to do to move forward for yourself, no matter how difficult.
  17. He clearly has never been in a relationship where lies and betrayal are at the core of every waking moment. I'm glad for him that he hasn't. It's something that affects you on such a profound level. As much as I appreciate his responses, I've used those as a way to see the disconnect in another person. Sorry hillmountain but reading your posts is like watching a show about cognitive dissonance.
  18. Thank you for this. As much as I want him to be someone who recovers and has a good outcome, it's not up to me. I needed to hear that most people don't get better from this. At this point, I see no signs of him being someone who will get better. I talked with my mom for awhile and came up with a plan I feel ok about. He has Fridays off. I will give him until the end of Friday to be out of my house. Then he can do whatever, whenever he wants to and it won't affect me. Once he is gone, I can start working on healing myself. I need about 6 months, no surprises, boring days to just rest and recover from everything that has happened in the last few years.
    Lostneverland, Susannah and Tao Jones like this.
  19. upload_2019-7-15_15-46-26.png

    I took the test based on the behaviors I know he has. This is how he scored. As if I didn't already know it was a problem.
    kropo82 and Lostneverland like this.
  20. Today has sucked so bad. Why am I still doing this? Why am I still putting myself through this? I wish I had never met him. It's clear to me that all efforts up until now have been to get me to shut up and get off his back. He called a minute ago and said he will leave but he doesn't understand why I asked him to do certain things before Friday, i.e. post here, respond, engage, but didn't let him do that. Am I the only person in the world who would have thought, ok, this is important, i'm going to do this right now?! Days go by, he hasn't done anything. He doesn't know how, he will do it later, and this last one, he doesn't want to be forced into doing something. I have been with him for three years. My response to that was...hasn't three years been enough time for you to do anything? This is clearly a person who doesn't want to get better, he just wants me to get off his back. What an idiot to believe that all those words meant something.
    Susannah and Lostneverland like this.

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