Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    For me, honesty was very important in a specific way... As Catholics, we go to confess our sins to the priest... I decided to be frank with my priest, and would confess whenever I had slipped in this addiction.... That was an extremely important thing for me in overcoming my addiction ( I am still not out yet)
     
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  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    WOW....EXCELLENT POSTS hillmountain...ABSOLUTELY EXCELLENT.
     
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  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    For your specific situation, I think you should impress upon your SO precisely that The thing that hurts you the most is not that he watches porn, but that he is covering it up....
     
  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    The distinction is important...One of the main reasons he may be lying to you is that he is afraid you may leave him if you find out about the full extent of his porn use etc... He may be ashamed of his inability to overcome it (as a guy, feeling so weak and powerless over this monstrous addiction is quite humiliating for us, and not something we'd want to reveal)
     
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  5. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I don't know about your individual situation, but I think if he understands that honesty is more important to you than him quitting this addiction right now I think he will be very open with you... Especially if you react to his relapses with love towards him ( not towards his addiction) and acceptance of him (not his addiction)...
     
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  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I hear you...however my situation is a bit different. He’s already ran away, started dating, hooking up, he said he doesn’t want the work involved in getting healthy and he’s too broken. There’s nothing more I can do. I’ve told him he has many people who love and appreciate him.,,,me included ..but he wants what he wants and it’s not me or us.
    Yes his shame and guilt may play a role, however I’ve asked him about that and he said it doesn’t...quote. “no I’m not feeling shame or guilt, you didn’t get upset, you just accepted my story.” I got the impression that now that his past regressions had been voiced the burden was lifted and he was free to do as he pleased.
     
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  7. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    One thing that I think would be very helpful for SO's of addicts to understand is that many times, the addict genuinely doesn't understand that he is hurting his wife a lot by lying etc
     
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  8. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Yeah what he says doesn't sound like just the side effects of porn addiction only... If he himself has run away and has already started hooking up with others, then he probably has deeper issues than his addiction alone... You know your situation best... do what you feel is the right thing to do... Don't beat yourself up for things you didn't do.... We are not guilty for the bad behaviors of others, even if they are the ones closest to us... Remember, while addicts are certainly to be pitied, unless they themselves want to change very little happens usually..
     
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ya I’m not sure of everything that is going on for him. We’ve spent 17 years together, and he will always be a part of my life. He has been very kind to me at times and very accepting, I’m grateful for those times. We did have joy and laughter.

    It truly is a tragedy of epic proportions. He’s a good man with some deep seated painful issues. (I’m assuming) i can’t fix them tough, only he can and if he doesn’t trust me or hates me because I know of some of his secrets...then he will continue running for the rest of his life . It’s just really really sad.
     
  10. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Addictions also numb you to your own emotions, and to the emotions of others.... When I had quit this pmo for some time in the past (months) it was as if a fog had lifted from my mind, I felt emotions much more intensely, felt much more empathy with others, had a strong craving for a deep, intimate permanent relationship with a wife, instead of just seeking after the cheap thrills of pmo
     
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  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You know I’m really not sure of anything. I don’t know if he’s running from his shame and guilt, I don’t know if he’s pushing me away because of his shame or guilt or because he doesn’t love me any more. I don’t know what the TRUTH is. Maybe I’m too old and broken for him.

    All I know is that the situation hurts deeply. I told him I’ll always love him and have faith in him. That’s all I can do.
     
  12. My PA is going to start posting on the site within the next few days. When he does, I will not be on here until August 23rd or so. That's the date I have asked for a full disclosure. He asked that I not follow him on here until then so he has the opportunity to get help on the disclosure and figuring out how to start this process for himself. I decided that if I am on here I will most likely figure out who he is even without knowing. I want to allow him that time to pull his info together for the disclosure. Does this sound reasonable to you guys?
     
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  13. What upsets me most about your situation is the uncertainty! I really wish you had some answers as to what to expect in the future.
     
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  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    In regards to the full disclosure..is it a therapeutic one? Is a therapist with you? Do you have a support person?

    Disclosures can be painful, and overwhelming. Often times things are brushed over and minimized as well. Fore warned is fore armed.

    Sometimes sharing the site can be good...if you write openly and honestly, both of you. Mourde and Mourde calls me Hazel have a good set up.

    My PA knows my user name , I don’t think he bothers to look or read it though.
    I’m sure more participants will contribute shortly.
     
  15. We do not have a therapist but as someone in the counseling field, I don't know that they help as much as we want them to especially with this issue. I know it's going to be hard on me but I have to have that moving forward. I have chosen a time that I won't have anything major for the next few days. He will have work for the days after so the timing piece is a good setup I hope.

    Ultimately I know that I need the truth for me to be able to move forward in the relationship. During the time that I am not here I will be reading Out of the Doghouse for tips on how to best work through our relationship issues. I've thought through this and I really hope it will help.
     
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  16. ddaammiiaann

    ddaammiiaann New Fapstronaut

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  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I’m not sure I’ll ever have answers. He has so much fear , in fact more fear than love I think. I don’t know...I told him how I feel, it didn’t matter. So I guess I just get on with my life.

    When he left on June 18, I said , well I guess I’ll call this real estate agent. He said, okay. We had received a flyer in the mail. So the realtor came out on Saturday and I listed the property. It usually takes a year on average for properties out here to sell. The property sold yesterday , pending inspection, which the realtor didn’t think would be a problem.

    I texted my PA that the property sold. He said, okay, now what, I said “ I guess we empty everything out” he replied , “Guess so.”

    That’s how our conversations go...he just accepts things...doesn’t say anything...EVER...then says I control everything!!! I’m like WTF am I suppose to do.

    Maybe he thought by running away the property wouldn’t sell...I don’t know...so there again I’m left wondering what the heck is going on in his mind.

    I’m confused, baffled and bewildered.
     
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  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you have thought this through really well. Good job. Yes having everything out in the open is what is required for all healing to take place. I wish you nothing but love and success.
     
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  19. I would be more lost than you are. I think you have done an amazing job at keeping it together. There doesn't seem to be much left when there is so much unsaid. I'm amazed that you got the property sold! Way to go, seriously!!

    You have every reason to be confused. Sometimes the best we can do is just keep it together and get through each day. I see you doing that. I know how hard it is and I am proud of you and see the strength it takes to do it.
     
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  20. I asked him to let me know when he has created a profile and post. That way I know he is here doing what he said and I know when to step away for that time.

    In the disclosure, I need to know everything. From there we will have a clean slate, no secrets and can build on it. It will be a new relationship in the sense that it will be REAL.

    Be prepared for a lot of ranting and rage on August 23rd or 24th after I hear everything. Lol. I have made it clear that everything has to be covered because I only want to hear about relapses from there. If something comes up after that, I will probably have to end things and move on. This is the only option I see in having a relationship I am willing to invest in again.
     
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