Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I have actually quit this addiction in the past, for about 7 or 8 months, and it was almost like heaven... But then I relapsed and am still struggling to get out 3 years later
     
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  2. You will beat this! I know that because you continue trying!
     
  3. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I used to meditate in the past... Have to start those good habits again....
     
  4. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot madam... I will pray God for your happiness and welfare... If you believe in God pray for me also...
     
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  5. Today...take 5 minutes if you can. Sit down with a notepad. Write everything that crosses your mind down on the paper. It's a map of your thoughts over those 5 minutes.
     
  6. I will pray for you and I will allow God to speak to you through me. Don't ever forget that that's what all of us are doing here. We are God talking to you through people.
     
  7. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Good idea.. I'll start that...
     
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  8. - Betrayal Trauma

    4th entry here. I won't say much today other than this video really spoke to me on an emotional level. The double messages have devastated me inside. I know I will survive this but it's changed who I am. I don't know that I can ever trust anyone again. If you are the SO of a PA or a PA who wants to understand your partner, this video was so helpful for me.
     
  9. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Recovery from emotional trauma meat be difficult, but possible... One important aspect is to forgive and forget... I'm not saying that you should be totally naiive or anything.. but for your own peace of mind it's better to forgive anyone who has offended you..... Think about it this way... We are all fallen humans in some aspects... It's mainly the sexualized society which is one of the main causes why it's so difficult for addicts to quit.... When they find it so difficult to quit, many of them make rationalizations to themselves that their addiction is not wrong at all... and all addictions come with a parcel of lying....
    I am an otherwise honest and frank guy but with this addiction I found myself creating lies to cover it up... It's the nature of a severe addiction, especially a secretive one such as this... So try not to take any hurts you may have received from such lying behaviour personally... It doesn't say anything bad about you when someone lies to you...
     
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  10. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Our society makes porn seem so normal, so that many guys cannot even fathom how much it hurts their spouses.... Those guys just think porn is a normal part of life, not understanding that it is an abnormal perversion of a wonderful thing (ie. sex in a committed relationship).
     
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  11. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    We do not receive those basic lessons about relationships from childhood...ie that a husband and wife are meant for each other, and that they should not let their gaze wander towards others of the opposite sex, because only their spouse should be in their heart....
    I am thankful to my Catholic religion for teaching me of those important truths..
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
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  12. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    It greatly saddens me... Many of my college mates are addicted to porn, probably all of them watch it, and NOT ONE OF THEM thinks it's a serious problem and just laugh me off if I try to encourage them to toss out that habit... They think porn is just a normal part of their life... In that aspect I should be thankful.. Atleast I have accepted that porn is poison...
     
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  13. Forgiveness is not the hard part for me. I can forgive. The hard part is trust. Trust is not something that can be easily repaired. It takes a lot of time and it take honesty from the partner. Yes this is a societal issue! I think about it like this, would I be justified in cheating on him or doing something out of revenge at this point? Yes. Am I going to do that, no. If I did that and kept it secret, I would create an issue between myself and reality. Also, on that note, a person makes a choice to do one or thing or not. I try to be a person with integrity. I don't trust his judgement or what decisions he will make in the future. I can forgive and am working in that again but trust is a different story. When a person in a relationship keeps secrets it destroys the trust within a relationship and the intimacy because you no longer know that person. I hope our society can start to see how damaging this is to a person's mind.
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    All my thoughts , feelings , words EXACTLY. I CAN forgive . HAVE forgiven many times . But man is it really hard to TRUST anything said to me by him .
     
  15. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    You can't have it both ways. I'm pretty sure you know this, but just a reminder: Two wrongs don't make a right. I am glad you do not plan to sink to his level. Doing so would *not* be justifiable.
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yes trust is important and once lost it is very hard to gain back. I gave trust freely, and was ultimately and deeply betrayed. He’s admitted he’s an addict, so the question now is...if I know he’s an addict, why do I keep trusting an addict? We all know addicts lie.
    So let’s suppose he’s stopped looking at porn...his brain is clearing...etc...he still has to deal with the behaviour/habit of lying. Just because the issue of porn isn’t there, doesn’t mean the deceptive behaviour stops. It’s a long long road to recovery. I commend any addict for their will, strength and determination.
    I think it’s more important to trust yourself, your perceptions and your reality. Let the PA deal with his own stuff.
     
  17. Exactly. I'm making a choice. The one that is best for our relationship.
     
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  18. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Lying to someone, especially someone who is totally committed to you, and who trusts you fully, is definitely messed up...... However an addiction can change even core aspects of your personality in so many ways.... Before becoming addicted I was a very frank, sincere, kind and joyful guy.. However, after sinking into this addiction, I became very sarcastic, cold, secretive, etc... addictions, the cravings, the powerful negative emotions the addiction puts in your mind, the lies the addiction keeps telling you etc all come together, so that the addict changes a lot negatively....

    I'm not saying your SO would instantly become an angel if his addiction was wiped out... However, the presence of this addiction hinders him from bettering himself, getting rid of his negative traits (like lying) etc...
     
  19. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    A characteristic feature of any severe addiction is the destruction of values, moral and personal values which the addict formerly had... Values like honesty, hard work, delayed gratification, humility, etc become eroded..
     
  20. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    The silver lining is that once a man/woman becomes free of his addiction, cultivating good values becomes very easy.... Even the process of successfully overcoming an addiction cultivates many good values, like perseverance(since a lot of it is needed), humility (since the addict feels his own weakness), tolerance of others (since the addict knows what a dark place he was in)
     

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