I'm starting a journal here to document my progress and then I have promised myself to put this away for the day afterwards. It's been about a week and a half since the last D-Day. It's amazing how this consumes all of my mental, emotional and physical energy post discovery. I'm still very angry. We had agreed this would be talked about when it happened again and no more secrets. Yet, here we are, secret is out again. There's one thing I really understand now. This is up to HIM. I can't fix him or this, I can only fix myself. I honestly don't know which one will happen. I am about 50/50 at this point of whether anything will actually change. I think it's just as likely to continue as it is that it will stop. A few years back I would have overwhelmingly gave more hope to the fact that it would get better and that his declarations and promises were real. I am now at a place where I accept that it may never get better and that is completely up to him. If it continues, I know what I have to do to save myself and I have mentally prepared myself for that. This is the last roller coaster ride for me. If I step into finding it myself again, without being told about a relapse, I am throwing up the white flag. I tried and this was bigger than the both of us. I don't want to live a life of secrets. I worked too hard on myself for so many years to allow someone to pull me back into the addiction cycle. I remember when my dad, an alcoholic, died at the age of 49. I was 21 years old at the time. It was very sad for me, but to be honest, it was a relief. I no longer had to monitor him and encourage him and help him and talk him out of suicide and make sure he ate and make sure he went to work, so on, so on. I loved him dearly but it was a RELIEF when he died. The hell I had gone through was over and the hell he had lived in for so long had ended. I remember that sense of relief and I know that if this addiction continues in my relationship, the end will be hard but it will be a relief also. With that said, this is my last stand. There should have been red flags for me all over the place. I was just too naive to see them. I always believe the best about people, especially people I love. I'm not going to let this change that. There are people out there who are 100% percent honest in everything. There are people out there who are capable of having a healthy relationship and there are people who put their family first. I know that because I am one. If I am one then they exist. That's part of this whole addiction from a partner's view. It eats away at your trust in yourself, those around you and the world at large. It makes you think that everyone is lying to you. I have seen myself become so distrustful of people over these years. I understand now that this is the result of the trauma of living in a household of lies. My brain has become so defensive that it automatically goes to worst case scenario. I don't want that worldview and all that comes with it. Ok, so very long post. Like I said, I promised myself to get it all out and go about my day. This is the last time I react to this passively. I promise myself that this will not control my life, my thoughts, my energy and my time. I deserve the to know the truth that exists in myself, in my life and in my partner. Not because of something I have earned but because as a human being, I deserve that. Everyone does. If my partner is unable to offer complete honesty to me as a part of our relationship, I promise to put myself at a place in life where I have peace on my own without him and without this addiction.