Journal for a 51yo kid

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by HopeForBrightFuture, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    It feels really good. Believe me, it gets better and better. There's no downside.
     
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  2. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    I was at all three area airports during my shift. Afterwards I went to the grocery store. Home now. Brunch. Checking in here. Nap in a few minutes.

    Random thoughts once again:

    ---As I was eating, an obscure porn actress from the early 90's came to mind. No urge to fantasize, just one of those "birds that perches and wasn't allowed to stay long" type of things. I wondered where is that woman nowadays and what does she look like. Probably worn out looking and not doing anything productive for society was my next thought.

    Next thought after that: "That's one way I used to stumble in the past. Looking for how an actress looks now and what's she doing now". I concluded, "I really don't give a damn what she looks like or what she's doing right now. I'm not going to try and find out. I want to check into Nofap, get my laundry into the dryer, and go take my nap.

    ---Yesterday I went to sleep listening to an anti-porn meditation that I used often during the summer. Hadn't heard it in awhile. Even though porn is no longer tempting I figured it's always good to reinforce new health ways of thinking. I've also been listening to Romans 6 regularly. A favorite line in that chapter, which I'm paraphrasing, is:

    What good did you receive from those past actions that you're now ashamed of? Those things lead to death.

    (Good incentive to stay on this new road).
     
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  3. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    Solid nap. No-PMO, No-Urges, Dream that had sex in it but it was a couple that didn’t include me. I left the area as soon as I saw them. Any sex dreams I have had recently are tame and easily forgotten. I will stop recording whether I have them or not.

    Get ready for work in a few minutes.
     
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  4. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    Good to hear the dreams are less severe. I very rarely have such dreams now. If I do, they are forgotten. Not a problem for me now at all.
     
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  5. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    I think the word is “Mindfulness”.

    Being aware of our thoughts/feelings. What’s causing our thoughts/feelings. The proper way to handle our thoughts/feelings.

    I had four incidents in the last 12 hours or so that generated some strong feelings.

    The last one was at the restaurant this morning being near a young waitress with an amazing body.

    I won’t go into all four incidents but I was able to stop and think about the situations and come up with good, healthy, and constructive ways to handle the situations.

    Three of them I handled quickly. One is still up in the air, but I have a solid game plan.

    ——-

    I’ll go into detail about the waitress since we are all dealing with lust.

    It was at the breakfast restaurant I go to once a week. This one young lady has been there every time I’ve gone and she looks amazing. But her attitude stinks. That alone makes it easy to ignore her and not lust after her.

    As I was finishing breakfast she showed up for her shift. She looked even better than normal and my mind wanted so badly to gawk.

    Well I wrote earlier in this journal about my plan for just such an occasion and I needed that plan!

    I thought about what are her goals, the things she likes to do, and how she treats people.

    These are questions I came up with to see woman as a human, not as sex objects. If I’m tempted to lust, these are the questions I bring out.

    The last of those items really stuck in my mind. How she treats people. Compared to the other female waitresses there this young lady is very cold. The other ladies are friendly as well as the male workers there. She’s the only person there that’s not at all friendly.

    Then I thought about why that might be. And started coming up with different possible scenarios.

    By the time I got to that point I had my bill and was getting my money out. I was soon after out the door thinking about the rest of the morning.

    I had gotten past the temptation to lust and start the sexual fantasies.

    I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to talk to her and find out what’s going on but she always looks sad and I feel sorry for her when I think about what must be making her the way she is.

    Anyhow, maybe that all will help someone somewhere.
     
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  6. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Extremely helpful to you and to the rest of us. Thinking about what’s going on instead of just acting is key to recovery.
     
  7. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    Yes, this is the key - not seeing women as objects. The thing is when you are addicted to pmo this is the exact problem, you cannot but help see women as objects when you are jerking off to naked women you don't even know. You are fooling your brain in the worst way possible, treating yourself like nothing. Becoming nothing. A vampire.

    Only now, as you pass 100 days no pmo (itself an awesome achievement) can you fully appreciate where you really were, and how far you have come since then. Life is not about dwelling in shadows, possessed by dark and irrational thoughts. Life is about 'doing' positive things, and having real relationships.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018 at 7:49 AM
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  8. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    Wow! 100 days straight now. It wasn't easy getting here. I don't want anyone to think it's easy. It takes sacrifice to get anything worthwhile.

    My biggest concern now is pride and complacency. I don't want to ever relapse. Irrational fear of relapse can lead to it happening.

    I'll be rational about it. That means instead of worry, worry, worry like I'm prone to doing, I'll keep doing what I'm doing now and not let my guard down. Keep stopping by SAA from time to time. Keep checking in here until there's a suitable replacement in the future. Keep doing my new hobbies and activities.

    I think it's good to think back and remember the nastiness of where we were so we don't get any romantic feelings about going back. This time last year I had bought charcoal. Was going to do myself in with the charcoal method. I was so depressed and at my wits end about this addiction. I had searched for therapists before but was always non-committal about calling one and didn't do it. Finally there was the week that told me I couldn't do it alone. The week was mid-December 2017 and I had decided that if I couldn't quit for good I was going to call. I stopped the P for only 6 days, then caved in. It was then I seriously looked for a therapist and made the call to schedule an appointment. After that was an 8 month struggle that ended in August when I finally gave up the literature porn and fantasizing.

    No more urge to P. The urge to M comes from time to time but is weak. A concern is when I'm on the road doing one of my site seeing trips. In September 2018 I was on a cruise and was tempted to seek out sex with an individual that I met but coming to this site to get support and remembering what my quest is helped me not do anything foolish. I need to be especially on guard when I travel.

    The desires are there and I acknowledge them. I think now it's foolish to deny the desires for intimacy and sex. They are real desires and there are different ways to deal with them. Right now it's monk mode. Later if things happen that way for me, I'll have those desires for intimate companionship fulfilled in a healthy way: Marriage to a good woman.

    Really happy now and I actually prayed a prayer of thanks to God yesterday for where I am now. No I'm not ready to go back to church or get back into Christianity but I do acknowledge God and his help in this struggle. I wish the best for all those that are seriously trying. I wish that those who are not serious would get serious about it.
     
  9. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    And you just keep racking up the milestones. Way to go! If you still have that charcoal, make yourself a nice juicy steak to celebrate.
     
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  10. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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    Great to read your story. You are on the right track at last, you know what you have to do. You are right though, complacency is now the worst enemy. Keep strong.

    The road is long, but it is straight.
     
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  11. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    I gave the charcoal to my neighbor a week or so after I bought it.
     
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  12. Colin75

    Colin75 Fapstronaut

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    This is very inspiring reading thanks! Esp the waitress scenario. My problem is i dont need the woman to be half naked to turn me on, even fully clad from neck to toe sets me off, sadly!
     
  13. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Thanks for commenting. I know what you mean about the lust. Women are gorgeous. Certainly not easy to change our thought patterns but I think it’s for the best and I know it can be done. I hope all is well with you. Hang in there and don’t give up! You can do it!!!
     
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  14. Colin75

    Colin75 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! Yes women certainly are gorgeous! Why did the Lord make them all like that and not just the one i am married to lol....
     

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