Journal 2

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Vizsla Dad, May 11, 2018.

  1. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    First post. New Journal.
    Positive start.


    jeep.jpg

    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)

    Annual audit to come

    Screenshot_20180511-074054.png


    April Numbers at the pool

    pool_numbers_April_2018.png

    Annual audit to come
    It's been a year since I addressed my addiction to porn.
    Annual audit to come
    Oh Boy.
     
  2. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Good to see you posting here again V!
     
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  3. Semaphore

    Semaphore Fapstronaut

    292
    455
    63
    Man I love your analytics!
    Welcome back
    how do you feel "in yourself"? has the regime worked would you say?
     
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  4. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Good to see you back @Vizsla Dad , even as I need to leave for a spell as I need to rethink myself. I will see if I come back or not, but wanted to welcome you back.
     
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  5. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Thank you.
    @Unhooked
    @Semaphore
    @ReFocused
    Guys like you are part of the reason I am here. You're part of the healing process.
    For this I am grateful.
     
  6. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Audit:
    Pre-May 22nd 2017
    Pre-historic PMO ;)
    This time last year I was in full throttle PMO mode.
    I would PMO 3-5 times per day.​
    I had been in PMO mode 3x5 times daily since I purchased my Samsung S4. 2013 or 2014?
    I did have a LG smartphone, but it wasn't as fast as the Samsung.
    • Morning: 1st thing
    • Noon: why not
    • Night: before falling asleep
    • Miscellaneous: mid-morning - mid afternoon - early evening. Why not
    Pivotal Moment:
    • I injured myself in the act of PMO.
    • I sustained an injury while in the act
    • I said to myself WTF is wrong with me?
      • I Need Help!
      • I still have this injury. A constant reminder of the perils of chronic masturbation
    Screenshot_20180510-081046.png

    Prior to learning about NoFap the site, I had been reading a little about chronic masturbation. The damage done and the benefits of living a No PMO life.

    May 22, 2017
    Day 1 - No PMO
    I realize I have a problem. At this point I'm not sure I am an addict. But I am certain that I am spending too much of my life jerking off to porn. This I know. I have heard of NoFap. I decide to get a tracker and quit jerking off to porn.

    Regarding addressing No PMO I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no plan. I have no strategy. I am using willpower to stop.
    May 29 - July 29
    Resets and Relapses
    My binges are destructive, often and plentiful through the day. But not daily.
    • Mentally, I can't think straight. I am confused about everything. I am jealous and envious of people who seem to be so smart. Seriously good problem solving skills and amazing comprehension.
    • Emotionally, I need to discover why I am depressed. I need to discover why I am angry. I need to understand why I have negative thoughts about everybody, everyplace and every event. Why do I not feel good.
    • Spiritually, I am happy that I have left the church. I have God. Destructive people are in the church.
    I'm not seeing the 'superpowers' that I read about on Reddit. However, I am not discouraged, because I am starting to feel better.

    In the same breath, I have problems. I don't know how to address these problems. All I know is that for the first time in years I am going to be facing obstacles and challenges. I had been running from these problems for years.
    • Module 4-2 in the NoFap Academy called Understanding Porn as an Escape Behavior addresses this issue
    August 1-10 2017
    First True Relapse
    At this time I am not aware of the difference of reset vs relapse

    I go into a 10 day binge and hate everything in my way. I am running from everything. I can't recall the details as to why.
    Work? Yes.
    Personal reasons? Yes.
    Health reasons? Yes.
    Stress? Stress? Stress? My key trigger. YES. Yes and Yes.
    August 13 - October 8 2017
    I'm learning about recovery
    Resets and relapses are not intense. They occur, but not to the degree of the past.
    I'm learning about why I've quit porn. For the first time it hits me.
    What am I doing?
    Why am I doing it?
    What am I learning?
    Where is my life going?
    October 2018
    Relapse. No More than just a relapse. Relapse like a rebel without a cause.
    My Wife came home from a different state. All I could think about her is two words. 'Fuckin' Bitch'
    • 'Fuckin' Bitch' My wife. All I could think to address her is 'Fuckin' Bitch'
    • That's 'Mrs. Bitch' to you Junior.
    • 'Fuckin' Bitch' and then I PMO 'Fuckin' Bitch'
    • It was never about other women. It was always about stress.
    • Mama Girl (my wife) is attractive. I don't fuck women I hate. I don't hate fuck. I'm not violent towards women. Not even in fantasy role play. It's not me.
    • 'Fuckin' Bitch' (Mama Girl) drove me back to porn (at that time)
    I couldn't stand her. All of her bitching. All of her complaining. All of her criticizing. All of her complaining. All I wanted to say is STFU already. 'Fuckin' Bitch' Just...STFU
    But I never did. I just ran to porn. Porn made me feel good. Mama Girl made me feel bad. I couldn't afford to leave the house, let alone get a divorce. I ran to my mistress: Porn.

    November 2017
    Join NoFap Forum

    Screenshot_20180510-081023.png

    Enter NoFap Forum.
    I am communicating with people in the forum. I am tracking my progress. I am changing my mindset. Things are looking up
    • Mentally, I am starting to think.
    • I am not confused about everything
    • I am not jealous and envious of people who seem to be so smart. Seriously good problem solving skills and amazing comprehension.
    • Emotionally, I am not depressed I am not angry. I am thinking in a positive light. I am not negative. I do not feel anxiety. I am not hateful. I feel better. Everyday and in every way I'm getting better and better
    • Spiritually, I am happy that I have left the church. I have God. Destructive people are in the church. Destructive people are everywhere. I've come to learn that I brought those people into my life. I no longer blame them. They were brought into my life. I attracted them. I was a porn addicted jerk off. I deserved them in my life. Things are different now

    I've held onto some strong steaks. But I've not hit the 90 day benchmark of a full reboot
    My resets have been mostly 'Fantasy based MO' FMO about women I know. Why? Because Mama Girl made me angry.

    The one thing that has helped me to not run to porn PMO or FMO is to confront my wife. I speak my truth and I don't back down and I don't run away. I don't run to porn. If she doesn't like it. I am OK with that. But I'm not backing down. I'm will to move on from my marriage if necessary.

    In a twisted happy accident of fate. She seems to like the fact that I bust my ass at work. I'm making money. Plus, I'm not taking any shit. She seems to think I am confident. I am more attractive. (in many ways)

    (I just looked at the clock. Long F'n ass post)

    I'm going to have to pick up the time frame of joining NoFap Academy and the California 'earthquake' Relapse at a different time. (Tomorrow)

    This audit is not finished. I am Healing

    This is who I am today


    • I am loyal
    • I am trusting
    • I am trustworthy
    • I am direct
    • I take people at face value
    • I am well educated
    • I am an excellent coach, counselor and trainer
    • I am a well trained and talented amature classical guitarist
    • I attend renaissance faires in costume and in character :)
    • I attend comic con in costume
    • I am a swimmer
    • I am a yogi
    • I am a business professional
    • I am honest
    • I have high moral standards
    • I have high ethical standards
    • I am frugal
    • I am debt free
    • I am a strong negotiator
    • I am confident
    • I am persistent
    • I am persuasive
    • I am charming
    • I am handsome
    • I have panache
    • I am likable
    • I am convinced that numbers can tell stories
    • I believe in holistic approach to health
    • I believe in naturopathic health care
    • I believe in the power prayer
    • I believe in visualization
    • I believe hard work produces results
    • I believe in metaphysical forces that I do not understand but I can use in my life for my benefit.
    • I believe in God almighty, the unmoved mover, the one without beginning, the one without end, the one outside of time, the creator of heaven, earth and everything in between.
     
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  7. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Everyday and in every way I'm getting better and better. I've joined the NoFap Academy. It is a very good source. The NFA and this forum have been incredibly helpful to my healing and growth.
     
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  8. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Audit: Part 2
    November of 2017
    I join the NoFap Forum

    The NoFap forum is a good place to be for support and recovery from porn.

    A tremendous amount of growth took place. I had never been a part of an online forum. The forum itself has its highs and lows.
    • It has good people and bad.
    • It has newbies and experienced participants.
    • It is filled with truths and lies.
    • There is support.
    • There are backhanded compliments.
    • There are over-inflated egos.
    • There is celebration for the failures of others.
    • There are those who seek nothing but to selflessly edify others.
    • There are those who truly have amassed a wealth of knowledge and experience.
    • There are those with the heart of a servant.
    It took me a while to sort through the muck.

    I discovered that writing my thoughts and feelings was incredibly therapeutic. I was learning about addiction. I was learning about how addiction affects me. I was also naive. As I have mentioned in a previous post (yesterday). I am well educated. However, I do not possess 'street smarts'. I am easily manipulated, easily deceived. I am trusting to a fault. As a result, others can take advantage of me.
    • One of my strengths comes from knowing that the laws of Karma are in effect.
    • One of my strengths is that I know God will fight my battles.
    • One of my strengths is I know God is my vindicator.
    • One of my strengths is that I know my best future lies ahead of me.
    • One of my strengths is that I know the decision making process and the difference between reward and consequence
    Overcoming my addiction to porn is worth the time spent in recovery

    I learned that the forum is a good place to resolve my issues with my addiction to pornography. I am no expert on addiction. I am no psychologist. I am no therapist. I learned from the forum that I can only put forward my best efforts to beat this addiction to explicit images.

    Screenshot_20180510-081023.png

    January 28, 2018
    Enter NoFap Academy

    I am a fan of coaching programs. I am a fan of mentorship. I am a fan of guidance from those who have succeed before me. I follow a model example of success to succeed. These are some of the reasons for joining NFA.

    My choice:
    • Enroll in the NoFap academy
    • Pay the $120
    • Follow the curriculum as written
    • Watch the videos
    • Read the modules
    • Complete the exercises
    • Complete all modules
    • Focus on quitting porn and living again
    • Do Not cheat the program
    • Do Not follow knock off advice from self proclaimed experts posing as wannabe therapists
    • Beware of professional therapists who do not understand the destructive effects of porn
    • Remain focused
    • Warning: the NFA program requires commitment, work, dedication and a desire to change for the better.
    • Follow a path to success that has been completed by others with the same problem.
    Other coaching programs that have served me well:
    • Dave Ramsey: Financial Peace University
    • Fredrick Noad: Solo Guitar Playing Vol 1 & 2
    • Mike Ferry: Real Estate Coaching
    • Private training at the pool
    • Private studio lessons
    Books that have served me well
    • Invisible acts of Power - Carolyn Myss
    • The One Thing - Gary Keller
    • Financial Statements - Thomas Ittleson
    • Versatile selling - Wilson Learning CO.
    • Promptings - Kody Bateman
    I am impressed with the NoFap Academy

    March 11-18, 2018
    California. The California Relapse. Ugh! Earthquake!
    • Like an earthquake, It happened so fast.
    • Like an earthquake there were tremors and aftershocks.
    • Like an earthquake there was a tremendous amount of damage done.
    • Like an earthquake, the natural disaster ends and there is a time for recovery and rebuilding.
    • I am rebuilding

    I went to California to attend business events. I did that. But also, instead of studying material I received from the seminars, I decided to PMO binge the entire trip.
    Why?​
    To this date I can't say why? One night led to another and another and another. Ultimately there is no excuse.
    What should I have done?
    • Study my material.
    • Call Mama Girl.
    • Then go to sleep. (I don't watch TV)
    • No porn! No PMO. NO NO NO No PMO. Ugh!
    I screwed the pooch on that one!

    An Aside #1: The airport Hilton in L.A. has great food! Great Food! Holy Smoke. Amazing food! Expensive as all get out. But worth it!
    • One night I ordered Herb Chicken. Any monkey can make herb chicken. Well...the monkeys in the Hilton have secrets KFC didn't know of. Best Herb Chicken EVER! If I every go back to the L.A. Airport Hilton it will be for Herb Chicken. (don't get me started on the Salmon. OMG! delicious)
    An Aside #2: One thing I learned from a Robert Kiyosaki Course is the importance of auditing and accountability. My audit is almost complete. I track my numbers in other areas of my life. It is time to track my habits and behaviors regarding my addiction to porn

    April to present
    I am focused on NoFap Academy.
    • I am completing modules.
    • I am studying the curriculum.
    • I am completing the exercises.
    • I am implementing the program.
    • I am healing.
    As I look back, there is no need to fell bad about Resets and Relapses. I am healing

    On my tracker I have a few resets. These resets are one of the reasons I returned to the forum to journal my progress. I am in recovery. I am rebooting. I am resetting my life. I am getting my shit together. This is where it happens.

    Affirmations!
    • I Am Porn Free
    • I am giving up pornography forever
    • I am giving up jerking off to explicit images of pretty women
    • I am no longer attracted to virtual relationships
    • I can relate to and have a loving and sexual relationship with one real live woman (Mama Girl)
    OK. Here we go. Let's do this,
    • Everyday and in every way I am getting better and better!
    • Today is the day I'm gonna make it happen
    • Today is a great day
    • Today I have energy
    • Today is one of the best days of my life
    • I see myself achieving goal
    • I believe in me
    • I am successful
    • I am handsome
    • I am attractive
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am alive
    • I am excited
    • I am a great salesperson
    • people like me
    • I am funny
    • people want to do business with me
    • I am the realtor people chose to work with
    • I am attracting motivated sellers
    • I am attracting qualified buyers
    • I am qualified
    • I am the best in the business
    • I am respected
    • I am admired
    • I am valuable
    • I am a prospecting machine
    • I set appointments with ease
    • The phone makes me money
    • I am the best agent for my client
    • I am the best agent
    • I am equipped
    • I am qualified
    • I am blessed
    • I am prosperous
    • I am a blessed creation. A child of the most high God almighty creator of heaven and earth
    • I'm OK
    jeep.jpg
    Papa Needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)
     
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  9. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Habits and Behavior: Victories

    Well here is my first post since the audit. I feel good about being back in the saddle of addressing my addiction to porn. On my tracker, I have a few days in May and one in April where I did PMO. I was reading a journal and this person addressed Fantasy more than Porn as being a reason for resetting the counter. I can relate to his thoughts. My most recent resets have been mostly Fantasy.

    I will confess to having dialed up some raven haired brunettes. Solo girl homemade stuff. In the same confession, when watching the pretty, raven haired brunette do her thing, I was saying to myself...WTF am I watching her for?

    Ugh. I'm better than this. And I am. I am better than this. So I shut her down. A bittersweet victory. Kinda like, I know my cholesterol is high, so I can't eat French Fries. But I like French fries. But its bad for me. Gotta shut it down. Sigh. Bittersweet victory.
    • Benefit of journaling: As I have just written this, it has occurred to me that I need to change my attitude about French fries and brunettes. Not a bittersweet victory. Victory!

    Seriously.
    Q: Why? Why dial up the brunette?
    A: No reason. I've dialed her up in the past, and I just felt like it. No reason. No excuse. Stress is my big trigger. Huge trigger. In the past (including recent past) when I am stressed, and I need to escape I run to porn. (Module 4 in NFA)

    Q: Are my stress levels affecting me to run to porn?
    A: No.

    Q: Why? Why dial up the brunette?
    A: No Reason. No Excuse. There is simply no reason for me to behave as I did. It was wrong of me. If I were to say anything to Mama Girl, all I would say is I'm sorry.

    Truths:
    I am addressing my stresses regarding
    • Daily Stresses: Money, Work, Taxes (IRS), Daily Chores (home maintenance) Car maintenance, Bills in general.
    • Emotional stresses: Anger, Depression, Sense of Failure, Anxiety, Angst, Lust, Desire
    • Mental stresses: I wish I were smart. I would give anything to have a sense of clarity in my thought process. and I am working on being better every day
    Victory: I addressing these trigger without the medication of porn. I am recognizing my escape behaviors. I am winning.

    The more I am away from porn, the less I think about porn. When I do dial up porn...I really don't care for it much. Its as if the longer I am away from processed sugar, the less my desire to eat processed sugar

    Over the course of time I've changed my behavior from habitually dialing up porn to rarely dialing up porn. I accept this as a victory.

    To compare:
    • Victory: When I first started swimming in the pool I was not at a mile a day. It took time.
    • Victory: My diet has changed from pure junk food every meal to 75% healthy eating. 3 of 4 meals are not fast food.
    • Victory: I've lost 25 lbs
    • Victory: I have dialed up porn in the past week. However I have gone weeks without porn. My PMO behavior has changes from excessive 3 to 5 times daily to rarely. Once in a while (except California) :(
    • Victory: I'm back to producing at work and it feels great!
    jeep.jpg
    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too. :) ;)
     
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  10. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Your
    You’re sounding healthier than I’ve ever heard you
     
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  11. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    I should have titled my post French fries and Brunettes. Tasty and delicious. Zero nutritional value. Yeah that's a weak stab at a joke.
    Thanks Bro, I appreciate you.
     
  12. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Hah!
     
  13. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Natural Occurring Changes:

    I have not yet successfully completed a 90 day reboot. However, I have noticed natural occurring changes.
    For example:
    • The less I look at porn, the less I desire to look at porn.
    • The less I objectify women, the less I desire to objectify women.
    • The less I objectify women, the more respect and admiration I receive from them. (Maybe admiration is to strong a word)
    There are changes I've noticed as I have been on my NoFap Journey

    I digress to the swimming pool:
    • In December 2015 I received a season pool pass.
    • In February or March of 2016 I started swimming laps in the lap lanes.
    • At that time I was swimming 2-3 laps. My first time across the pool I thought I was going to drown. It was horrible, yet comical.
    • The people, the other swimmers in the lane were so supportive
    At this time I am in full throttle PMO mode. Also, I am suffering from chronic pain. Bodily pain that I have been enduring for years. I am self medicating on pharmaceutical and over-the-counter painkillers by the bottle. I eating them like m&m's. My blood pressure and Cholesterol are off the chart high. (not really) I have the numbers. HIGH. High BP and Cholesterol. HIGH.

    Back to the pool:
    • I continue to swim. I am struggling to complete laps. Its hard.
    • I stick with it.
    Natural Occurring Changes:
    • Slowly I start to loose weight
    • Slowly I start to eat healthier
    • Slowly I start to put on muscle
    • Slowly my BP and Cholesterol are coming down
    • My Body is reflecting the changes. There is no denying this.
    *** I have a begun lifestyle change that if I continue will continue to show positive results. That's all there is to it. If I continue to maintain the habit of exercise, my health will improve.
    *** Conversely, If I continue on the NoFap journey and eliminate porn from my life, then my sexual health will improve. It simply will. I will not be able to stop the natural occurring change
    • My sexual health would include civil and respectful behavior towards women
    • My sexual health would include paying attention to Mama Girl's needs
    Aside:
    Mama Girl says my Arms, Shoulders and Back look great! I have been complimented by ladies at the pool that I'm getting 'buff'. I've lost weight, put on muscle to a point where I've been categorized as athletic by the evaluators at the health fair. (Plus I showed them my numbers at from the pool. Sinful, prideful, ego boasting UGH!) I'm awesome. :)

    I am certain that if I stick with the NFA program great changes will naturally occur.
    I am certain that if I do not cheat, lie (to myself) or manipulate the system, I will see positive changes naturally occur

    Back to porn:
    • If I stick to the daily discipline of not watching porn, good things will happen.
    • If I decide to lie (to myself) cheat and manipulate the system and watch porn, bad things will happen.
    • I am enrolled and am following the NFA curriculum to stop watching porn and live a more fulfilling and awesome life.
    • As I stick to the program, I am seeing that Mama Girl is more attracted to me
    • I am seeing that women are friendly to me. They are nice. Genuinely friendly
    • I see that clients are more receptive
    Section 4-5 in the NoFap Academy
    Fulfilling Discipline:
    • Delayed gratification
    • Aligns with your higher intentions
    • Follows pattern of “pain first, pleasure later”
    • The positive benefits persist and increase
    • Offers increasing returns
    It's been an eye opener for me.
    jeep.jpg

    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)

    P.S. If I'm not seeing the positive changes occur over time. Why not? Honestly. Why Not?
     
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  14. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Great post! You are changing in many ways, now to solidify those changes as part of the new you. I liked your first statement, “The less I look at porn , the less I desire to look at porn.”
     
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  15. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

    1,638
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    I think I am going to enjoy this journal....
     
  16. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Raising Self Awareness:
    Fantasy vs. Reality

    Wednesday is Donut Day! Hooray.

    No. Wait. Nope. No Donuts. :(
    On Wednesday I usually go to the donut shop to feast my eyes on Hippie Chick. She's pretty. She's nice. Also, She sells processed sugar and caffeine. I'll get donuts for me and our front office gal / transaction coordinator. NOT Today. Today I just drove past the donut shop. The donuts and Hippie Chick will be just fine without me. Plus, I'll be better off for it.

    I have no desire to eat donuts or see Hippie Chick. I'm moving on.
    WHY?​

    Aside
    I'll need to think of an endearing name for our transaction coordinator. She's a bad ass Scorpio. Sexually - No Attraction. Nope. Not with that one. Now that I think about it, I work with lots of women. Plenty of them in the office. I do not think of any of them in a sexual or fantasy way. I think of all women as being beautiful. But I'm not necessarily attracted to all women. In the office, all of our women are attractive. They are all pretty. We have all types. I don't think of any of them in a sexual manner.​

    Aside #2
    No terms of endearment for office women. That would be like naming puppies, then 8 weeks later you have to sell them. What do you need to do. Break the emotional attachment from the puppy. I do not want any emotional attachment to women in the office. Ew yuck.​

    I see an acupuncturist for addiction (and general tune-ups and balance) and a naturopathic physician for general health. We're all in agreement
    • You can't out exercise a bad diet.
    There is more than just food and exercise in this statement. It is a statement of systematic function.
    • What am I feeding my body, mind and spirit?
    • How am I acting in my life regarding my body, mind and spirit?
    Here's WHY
    *** I can exercise my butt off, but if I'm eating poorly it will be very difficult to see improvement in my health.
    *** Conversely, I can pay attention to Mama Girl all I want but if I'm watching explicit images of other women (or flirting with live women) it will be very difficult to see improvement in my relationship with her.

    When it comes to ogling / flirting, I am very aware of my behavior.
    I am actively engaged in the following (NFA Module 7-5)
    1. Identify a time when I regularly experience urges that I struggle with.
      • Todays example. Wednesday Donut Day / Hippie Chick ogle
    2. I choose the most prominent aspect of the situation as an awareness trigger.
      • Girls in the service industry. I have a fetish / fantasy for girls in the service industry
    3. Set an intention that when the conditions of the trigger are met, I will STOP what I am doing and use the Willpower Process.
      • Todays example. Change my behavior. Change the habit. Keep driving. No donuts for physical health. No Hippie Chick for sexual health.
      • Happy accident: My bank account says thanks for saving $$$ :)

    Aside #3
    I workout in a swimming pool. I see nearly naked women almost everyday. It doesn't phase me. When I am at work or at the pool, I feel like I have a purpose for being there. I'm not spending time idly thinking, wondering, observing...plus, work and the pool are not my triggers for fantasy. (Some men may like business / career women OR women in bikinis) Not my fantasy. (NFA Module 5-2)​

    Comic Con is quickly approaching. Will I be feasting my eyes on Poison Ivy? Poison Ivy always delivers. So... Fuckin' A right I will be. Here's a secret. Mama Girl luvs Arrow, Flash and the boys from Assassins creed. (she's no angel) Do I care? Not at Comic Con. That's why we go. To look at people.

    Renaissance Faire is quickly approaching. Save this for a later posting.

    Will I dress up Mama Girl and fantasy role play with her. YES. Yes and Yes. (depending upon how our relationship is moving along)

    jeep.jpg

    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)
     
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  17. Prof Abraham

    Prof Abraham Fapstronaut

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  18. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Fantasy, Reality and affirmations

    There is a show on TV called 'The Tudors'. Taken from the time of King Henry VIII. I am a huge fan of music, literature and attire of the 16th century. (I was born 500 years late) The costume's on this show are awesome. Due to the violent, sexual nature and explicit images on the show, I don't watch this show.

    Bride and Brides groom (The kids) were here one day. I go to meet them and hang out for a minute. They are watching this show. What do I see on the show? A woman being taken sexually from behind. From the painful facial image, it looked like she wasn't having fun. The male actor looked more like a cage fighter going for the KO than a lover. It was horrible. The whole thing was disturbing. (Great acting. Disturbing. But great acting. UGH! Sigh.)

    I asked the kids, what are you watching? This is porn. I said to them you're watching porn. They're not phased. These types of images and actions and behaviors do not phase them one bit. I walked out of the room. I went down stairs to my studio. I put my head in my hands think what the hell is going on here?
    • PTL for the genius of J.S. Bach
    • PTL for the genius of Shakespeare (in the park) I can't wait!!!
    • PTL for the genius of Michelangelo
      • PTL = Praise the Lord
    Anyway,
    This high dollar, high production porn is bad / good porn. Why bad and good. Bad porn due to the violent nature of the act. Good porn because the costumes were F'n awesome! Truthfully, (in my opinion) this porn could have been awesome if it were not a rape scene. WTF.
    WHY?​

    I understand sexual and sensual art. As a PA I can say I have never, nor will I ever JO to painting of nudes from the 16th century. I understand the sexually explicit art has existed for thousands of years.
    Where does the line in the sand get drawn?​

    Q: How horrible is this to watch for a cosplayer PA?
    A: Pretty frickin bad.

    Here's WHY
    In what situations am I most likely to fantasize? (NFA Module 5-2)
    Sexual Fantasy:
    Q: Do I see myself and Mama Girl in a similar costume committing the same sexual act?
    A: YES. Yes and yes. Consensual doggy style fun in costume. Hell yeah! (thrown is some vocal 'take me my lord, take me my liege. My lord, I'm yours my lord') Double hell yeah!
    • Did I mention that in all of my masculine manliness Mama Girl can worship me, praise me and thank me for all the glory that I am? (save that one for another day)
    Reality:
    Q: Does fantasy (role play) meet reality?
    A: Yes. In a word, in my world, it sure does. In more ways than one.

    What sorts of non-sexual fantasies do I often indulge in?
    How do they affect me?
    (NFA Module 5-2)

    Fantasy: My non-sexual fantasies revolve around success.
    • I fantasize about being a top producer
    • I fantasize about building a team
    • I fantasize about creating successful people
    • I fantasize about creating a legacy of successful sales people
    • I fantasize about creating a positive impact in the community
    • I fantasize about being admired, respected and sought after for expert advice
    Reality: How am I affected?
    • I role play with other sales people before starting my day of prospecting for business
    • I am focused on hitting daily, weekly and monthly goals
    • I see (visualize) the rewards of hard work and achievement

    What sorts of negative fantasies do I sometimes fall into?
    How do they affect me?
    (NFA Module 5-2)

    My negative fantasies:
    • I fantasize about Failure
    • I fantasize about Depression
    • I fantasize about Abandonment
    • I fantasize about Neglect
    • I fantasize about Betrayal
    • I fantasize about Rejection (my nightmare)
    Reality: How am I affected?
    • I run to my mistress: Porn
    • I use escape behavior to run from reality (NFA Mod 4-3)
    • I avoid responsibility
    • I become an unlikable person
    There are two kinds of affirmations. Positive and negative.
    Negative:
    • I am not ________
    • I can't __________
    • I don't deserve ___________
      • I am keeping this list short. Just fill in the blank
    Negative affirmations are infectious, poison that need to be stopped ASAP. It is amazing how many negative fantasies and affirmations I have dreamt up and said over the years.

    Most people, I'm no exception, fall into negative fantasy (such as thinking about failure or having fear of success). They (I) confirm the negative fantasy with negative affirmation. For example: I'm not good enough. (that was painful to write.)

    Here is my battleground. Here is how I fight the negative fantasy

    My new Reality:
    Affirmations: Lets address the sexual and non-sexual
    Sexual:
    • I Am Porn Free
    • I am giving up pornography forever
    • I am giving up jerking off to explicit images of pretty women
    • I am no longer attracted to virtual relationships
    • I can have a loving and sexual relationship with one real live woman
    Non-Sexual:
    • Everyday and in every way I am getting better and better!!
    • Today is the day I'm gonna make it happen
    • Today is a great day
    • Today I have energy
    • Today is one of the best days of my life
    • I see myself achieving goals
    • I believe in me
    • I am successful
    • I am handsome
    • I am attractive
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am a goal achiever
    • I am alive
    • I am excited
    • I am a great salesperson
    • I am a great sales person
    • I am a great salesman (My business coach say so, and I believe him)
    • People like me
    • I am funny
    • people want to do business with me
    • I am the realtor people chose to work with
    • I am attracting motivated sellers
    • I am attracting qualified buyers
    • I am qualified
    • I am the best in the business
    • I am respected
    • I am admired
    • I am valuable
    • I am a prospecting machine
    • I set appointments with ease
    • The phone makes me money
    • I am the best agent for my client
    • I am the best agent
    • I am equipped
    • I am qualified
    • I am blessed
    • I am prosperous
    • I am a blessed creation. A child of the most high God almighty creator of heaven and earth
    • I'm OK
    jeep.jpg
    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2018
    Prof Abraham likes this.
  19. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Empowering Beliefs

    I've been reviewing NFA module 8-4. Creating a New Empowering Beliefs System.

    The most powerful beliefs start with the phrase “I am,” because they invoke a state of being rather than one simply of trying. Example: “I am loved and worthy” vs “I think I am loved and I do my best to be worthy.” (NFA module 8-4)
    1. Here are positive changes I've seen
    2. This is who I want to become
    3. Physically:
      • I am stronger
      • I am healthier
      • I am in shape
      • My blood pressure is coming down
      • My cholesterol is lower
      • my hormones are leveling out
      • my desire for sugar is decreasing
      • I eat (more) healthy food (than I used too)
      • I have more energy
      • Physical pain I have greatly reduced and getting better everyday
    4. Spiritually:
      • I am connected to God almighty
      • I feel connected
      • I feel more connected to intangible events
      • I have a sensitivity to my surroundings
      • I am aware of reasons for patterns
      • I am aware of reasons for events
      • I have understanding
    5. Mentally:
      • I find solutions
      • I understand the problem that needs to be solved
      • I am starting to think clearly
      • I read with comprehension
      • I comprehend with understanding
      • I plan my future
      • I implement plans of action
      • I am organized
      • I am thinking clearly
      • I make decisions
    6. Emotionally:
      • I am gaining confidence
      • I negotiate with confidence
      • I exercise with confidence
      • I speak clearly and with confidence
      • I explain scenarios with confidence and persuasion
      • I am gaining emotional strength where it was once, was lost and is now coming back
      • I am happy
      • I feel good
      • I recognize my emotions
      • I address my emotions as a mature adult
      • I am rational
      • I am passionate without apology
      • I have the ability to sever destructive relationships
      • I defend myself
      • I stand my ground
      • I love
      • I care
      • People are becoming important to me
      • I like
      • I love
    7. Now that I've written a list of positive changes since beginning my NF journey.
    8. A female started a thread. (Yes, I've read a few female journals and threads) I was hesitant to respond to it. First of all it didn't seem like an exclusively female thread. It seemed to be all inclusive with a focus on being positive. I saw this thread soon after it was posted. Being a person who is into positive self-talk I thought it was good to see someone else with a positive outlook. (remember progress not perfection)
    1. This is who I am today
      • I am loyal
      • I am trusting
      • I am trustworthy
      • I am direct
      • I take people at face value
      • I am well educated
      • I am an excellent coach, counselor and trainer
      • I am a well trained and talented amature classical guitarist
      • I attend renaissance faires in costume and in character
      • I attend comic con in costume
      • I am a swimmer
      • I am a yogi
      • I am a business professional
      • I am honest
      • I have high moral standards
      • I have high ethical standards
      • I am frugal
      • I am debt free
      • I am a strong negotiator
      • I am confident
      • I am persistent
      • I am persuasive
      • I am charming
      • I am handsome
      • I have panache
      • I am likable
      • I am convinced that numbers can tell stories
      • I believe in holistic approach to health
      • I believe in naturopathic health care
      • I believe in the power prayer
      • I believe in visualization
      • I believe hard work produces results
      • I believe in metaphysical forces that I do not understand but I can use in my life for my benefit.
      • I believe in God almighty, the unmoved mover, the one without beginning, the one without end, the one outside of time, the creator of heaven, earth and everything in between.
      • Thank you so much
    2. I have long maintained the position that I am here to heal.
      • As I've been typing these and saying them out loud on a daily basis. I have discovered that these affirmations are becoming a natural part of my internal dialogue.
    3. I am developing the habit of thinking in a positive light.

    4. I have heard that it is a good practice to say things as they are.
      • One for The NF Forum would be
      • I Am Porn Free
      • I am giving up pornography forever
      • I am giving up jerking off to explicit images of pretty women
      • I am no longer attracted to virtual relationships
      • I can relate to and have a loving and sexual relationship with one real live woman
    5. Here we go. let's do this
      An Aside - Here we go and Let's do this are encouraging words we say to each other when doing laps in the pool. It's tough to swim 1 mile. It helps to encourage one another.
    1. OK. Here we go. Let's do this,
      • Everyday and in every way I am getting better and better!!
      • Today is the day I'm gonna make it happen
      • Today is a great day
      • Today I have energy
      • Today is one of the best days of my life
      • I see myself achieving goals
      • I believe in me
      • I am successful
      • I am handsome
      • I am attractive
      • I am a goal achiever
      • I am a goal achiever
      • I am a goal achiever
      • I am alive
      • I am excited
      • I am a great salesperson
      • people like me
      • I am funny
      • people want to do business with me
      • I am the realtor people chose to work with
      • I am attracting motivated sellers
      • I am attracting qualified buyers
      • I am qualified
      • I am the best in the business
      • I am respected
      • I am admired
      • I am valuable
      • I am a prospecting machine
      • I set appointments with ease
      • The phone makes me money
      • I am the best agent for my client
      • I am the best agent
      • I am equipped
      • I am qualified
      • I am blessed
      • I am prosperous
      • I am a blessed creation. A child of the most high God almighty creator of heaven and earth
      • I'm OK
    Friday. This seemed to be a good day for reflection and review.

    jeep.jpg
    Papa needs a new Jeep
    Mama Girl wants a new Jeep too :) ;)
     
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  20. Vizsla Dad

    Vizsla Dad Fapstronaut

    Free Porn vs. Freedom

    Cost Benefit Analysis vs. The Law of Diminishing Returns

    Recently, I have seen a few guys walk away from the NF Forum. IMO these guys are good guys. As a person who has deleted an account in the past, I understand this action. Also, as a person who has an addiction to pornography, I thought I would express my thoughts. If for no one but me. If some of the guys in question read this - cool. If not - OK.

    I am enrolled in the NoFap Academy: Here is why
    • They have put together a system for quitting porn that will not only help me kick my porn habit, but also help me make real life changes that last.
    • I believe this. I enrolled. I’m happy with the program
    CBA is to determine if an investment/decision is sound (justification/feasibility) – verifying whether its benefits outweigh the costs, and by how much

    The Law of Diminishing returns: How much time, energy and effort am I willing to invest before I throw in the towel and cut my losses?

    Question: How much time and money is it going to cost me to find adequate treatment for my addiction to pornography?

    Investment:
    • Me. Vizsla Dad. I am investing in me.
    Cost
    1. Time
      • Time I must put aside time to study the modules.
      • I must invest in reading, watching the videos and make a commitment to do the exercises.
      • The amount of time is my decision. I must spend time. YMMV as they say
      • The time I spend on NFA is equivalent to or less than the time I was wasting on porn sites in the past.
    2. Money
      • $120 for 90 days + $40 per month. Or $480 per year. (that’s what I pay)
      • Based on my progress, I will most likely change to the yearly amount. I know I’ll be here for a while, and I know I’ll see results. I’ll save money if I change my plan.
    3. Relationships
      • Hmmm what will it cost me in my relationships
      • Divorce
      • Lack of respect from women, community, family and friends
      • Wallowing in misery with the depressed homeless underneath the bridge.
    Return:
    1. New rewarding lifestyle
      • Here is a list I stole from someone. But it's a good one
        Self respect restored.
        Clarity of mind. More sensitivity.
        Belief in yourself.
        Self control.
        No shame.
        No lies.
        No guilt.
        You smell better.
        Increased productivity.
        Purity of conscience.
        Less likely to have ED.
        More respect for women.
        Empathy.
        Reduced appetite for sexual perversion.
        Healthier ways of coping.
        No brain fog.
        More honesty.
        More integrity.
        Increased esteem.
        Confidence.
        Worthiness.
        Better orgasms.
        Higher testosterone levels.
        Less fatigue.
        Being an example.
        Hope.
        Freedom.
        Etc.
      • My personal list is a little different. But not so much different.
    2. Money return
      • Unlimited potential for earnings.
      • Better than what I was making when I was dialing up porn 7 days a week.
      • Mental health and well being gets me back to working with a clear head. I make more money anyway. So, why not.
      • Time wasted in porn can be used to create wealth and enrich the lives of others through philanthropy.
    3. Relationships
      • Hmmm what will be my return in my relationships
      • Marriage
      • Respect from women, community, family and friends
    Risk: What is at stake. What can be lost.
    1. Time
      • The amount of time I spend in NFA can be lost and never recovered.
      • 90 days or 1 year (for me) or as little as 1 month for someone else
    2. Money
      • $480 at most. $120 at least. (for me) For someone else - $50 for a month
      • $480 per year. If I do not get a refund, I’m still addicted to porn and I’m still going to be wallowing in misery. I'll still be jerking off to porn and I'll be sleeping with the homeless under the bridge. (If I F-up one more time I probably will be homeless)
    Evaluation:
    • Low Risk - High Return Investment
    Disclaimer type of bullshit that I’m making up just for the fun of it.

    Health Risk: Cumulative incidence or incidence proportion is a measure of frequency, as in epidemiology, where it is a measure of disease frequency during a period of time. Where the period of time considered is an entire lifetime, the incidence proportion is called lifetime risk.

    Law of DR: The law of diminishing returns does not imply that adding more of a factor will decrease the total production, a condition known as negative returns,

    Again, In short, how much time, energy and money am I willing to put into this project before I throw in the towel and call it quits? How much more of this bullshit will I take before I change my life for the better?​


    Translation. I can spend the rest of my life jerking off to porn or I can find a way to heal and live an awesome life from now to the grave.

    What's it going to be?
    I Chose Freedom.
    I know I'm winning because I monitor my progress
    I am Free
    I am free from the bonds of addiction
    I am Free
    I will affirm this to my grave
    I Chose Freedom

    I'm going to treat myself to some Pizza, Wings and Beer tonight. I think I deserve it.

    Edit:
    Just came home from dinner.
    Entre: Linguine with sea bass, shrimp and sauteed veggies on red sauce. Garlic bread. No alcohol. Delicious.
    Desert: hot apple pie ala mode. Oh my!
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2018

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