Journal: 120 day challenge to reset my brain

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by liveforjoy, Sep 22, 2018.

  1. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Goal:

    To go 120 days no PMO.

    Why:

    To reset my addicted brain-body (see: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...for-joy-living-to-not-pmo-isnt-enough.194712/ for more).

    Objectives of journaling:

    1) To motivate and encourage myself by maintaining connections to the nofap community
    2) To give myself a place to process the difficulties of a reboot as I experience them
    3) To document my experience in hopes that my perspective might aid or encourage others in some small way(s)



    -----

    Day 2:

    First day was difficult. Woke up this morning fantasizing and let myself marinate in those fantasies for far too long before getting out of bed. That was dangerous; I should have just gotten up.

    Need to go for a run later today. Nothing seems to help mitigate the addictive cravings as much as strenuous aerobic exercise.

    (deep breath) I can do this. It's worth it.
     
    Stuck_in_a_zone, Arghy and Criss27 like this.
  2. the promise

    the promise Fapstronaut

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    Try first somthing simple going running takes a lot of energy and effort think of somthing else thats really simple and easy (thats isntPMO) if you overcharge youre will uure end up giving up dont overestimate youre will power
     
    Criss27 likes this.
  3. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    For years now, my experience has consistently been that aerobic exercise makes it easier to stay clean, not harder. For as much as 48 hours after a run my cravings are reduced, my head is clearer, I'm more focused, my will power is augmented. My experience has been the opposite of what you are describing.

    I suppose that if I worked so hard that I were exhausted (e.g. if I played a really intense high school soccer game against my rival school) then the exercise might be counter-productive. But I'm not describing an extreme level of exertion like that. I'm just talking about enough exertion to maintain and improve fitness.

    Everybody's different of course, but that's how it has historically worked for me.
     
    Criss27 and Freakan like this.
  4. TheTanatos

    TheTanatos Fapstronaut

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    will read ya, gl
     
    Criss27 likes this.
  5. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    So much for a grand, dramatic, motivated start.

    I relapsed last night.

    I didn't do the one thing I know I need to do: exercise. It's so practical and simple, so easy to do. But some friends came over, and I let myself spend time with them for the entire rest of the day, and never went for a run.

    The solution is obvious, and I've known it: I need to exercise by habit every morning (or at least every other morning), before any other unanticipated obligations creep into the day.

    Exercise isn't a panacea. It won't get me through the 120 day hardmode "No PMO" challenge by itself. But my experience shows it's a critical component of a successful strategy.

    Sigh...

    Okay. Let's start again.
     
    Criss27 and Freakan like this.
  6. Freakan

    Freakan Fapstronaut

    New Goals or Habits are the best thing to distract ourself :)
     
    Criss27 likes this.
  7. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Yeah! Thanks for the tip. I think a daily, morning exercise routine could be a great place to start.
     
    Freakan and Criss27 like this.
  8. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Day 1 was easy. Running yesterday did the trick. I spent the rest of the day preparing for job interviews and playing with my friends' adorable little kids (3 and 1 years old). But even when I wasn't busy I did not feel tempted to relapse.

    Today was slightly more challenging. I felt slight pangs of craving during my free time, but I said "NO" to them as the arose, and turned to other things -- like John Oliver's new, scathing review of Facebook's policies abroad (specifically in Myanmar), or writing this journal entry now -- and I let the pang fade away.

    I've recently identified one contributing factor to my historical addiction:
    I experience what I want to call a "deep, insistent restlessness." It requires some artfulness to effectively communicate exactly what it feels like, because it seems that most people do not experience it. It's like I live on a train that is perpetually slowing to a rumbling, shuddering stop, but never actually stops. It's like I'm stepping forward, my foot forever suspended just above the ground. I'm always arriving, but never arrived.

    It's like I don't know how to feel at rest, at home. I don't know how to be present and content. I could call it anxiety, but that doesn't do the feeling justice. I'm all too familiar with anxiety -- a knot in the throat, a tightness in the stomach -- that background physiological buzzing that can destabilize my most would-be serene moments. I can stand on a beach, alone, feet in warm sand, tasting a cool salty breeze, and still I can feel the buzzing. I know anxiety well. But the "restlessness" I'm describing is actually something underneath that. It's more fundamental. It feels...though I'm embarrassed to say it...kind of profound. It feels, "deep." There's an aching poetry to it.

    Anyway, I think that sometimes I turn to PMO to distract myself from, and numb myself to, that restlessness, because I don't know how to gratify it.

    But lately, I'm wondering if there might be cool ways to channel it -- into more creative work, or more passionate service, or more industrious ambition.
     
  9. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Staying up late, alone, is death. Last night had too much coffee, and was up for hours after everyone went to sleep. Relapsed at 3am.

    Have managed to pretty much stay away from porn, though. So, still inching in right direction. Start the recounter!
     
  10. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    First two days were hard. Lots of craving and bits of fantasy clawing at my mind. Scraped by though. In day 3!
     
  11. True_Self

    True_Self Fapstronaut

    Stay focused. You can do this man. Believe in yourself. Say yourself that you become the one who stop this.

    Do you really wanna start again and again? And again, again 100x? Answer this to yourself. Write it on the paper, put that on your screen, whatever helps.

    I´m with you.
     
    liveforjoy likes this.
  12. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Thanks man. Means a lot.
     
    True_Self likes this.
  13. iwillbestrong123

    iwillbestrong123 Fapstronaut

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  14. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Bad news and good news:

    The bad? I relapsed again.
    The good? No porn.

    I feel much better than I did before I started this journal, because I've managed to pretty much keep away from porn lately. No "PMO" is better than mere no "P", and will be necessary to completely break this addiction. But for now, I'm at least inching in the right direction.

    Still gonna restart the counter.

    Thanks to everyone for their support.
     
  15. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Just updated counter to reflect that I'm currently at 3 days, 14 hours.

    As pitiful as that is, I actually feel more clear-headed than I've felt in months. It's been that long since I last went more than 3 days no PMO.

    At same time, I'm fairly depressed. There are other factors in my life that are no doubt contributing, but it might also be withdrawal. Unclear. Time will tell. Ugh.
     
  16. Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

    This journey is all about learning from each relapse, so make sure you do your best to figure out what when wrong and how you could fix that going forward
     
    liveforjoy likes this.
  17. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    (just updated counter to reflect that I'm actually at a little more than 4 days)

    Started on an SSRI, which so far is a godsend. It is helping me cope with anxiety, which often pushes me into the addiction, and it is also reducing my sex drive directly. This could be a really helpful tool for me. Probably not something that I want to do forever, but if it helps me crawl out of the pit then I'm all for it.

    I feel more in control right now then I have felt in a long time.
     
    Arghy likes this.
  18. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    Over a week no PMO. Yay.

    This SSRI is intense. It’s really flattening me, making me less emotional and less creative. But it is really helping my anxiety, and reducing my sex drive. I think it’s definitely worth it for right now.

    Started to feel some craving this morning for first time since last relapse, but it wasn’t too strong and I was able to shake it off in a few seconds and distract myself.
     
  19. liveforjoy

    liveforjoy Fapstronaut

    And now, suddenly after writing that, I feel my heart racing with addictive craving. I’m glad for the medicine which is making it less intense than it would normally be, but I can still feel it. I need to go distract myself.
     
  20. Speed1

    Speed1 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe slowly shift your attention on a lower goal such as not viewing porn, and jerk of to your fantasies whenever you get the cravings. Than, slowly, you will unlearn to go search for porn and you can start removing masturbation if you want.
    It is not a tragedy if you jerk, just know you want to get out of the addictive cycle.
     

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