Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 590: 9/11/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about something that was bothering Wade. He didn't like how I reacted to him being late, and not informing me about it. He believes that I overreacted, he ended up going into shame etc., but I explained to him my position. How that behavior reminds me of how he was for so many years with me and I told him that my reach was rather timid compared to what was also firing off in my head. We talked it out and felt better about it all. Then our eldest came out and sat with us, we spent a good 30 minutes talking to her about random topics and it was nice, she actually enjoyed it and proclaimed "talking to you guys is way better than watching TV".

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Leadership Development Is Important”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe talks about why leadership development is important. Remember, what you believe about yourself determines the way you think about yourself. And what you think about yourself determines the way you behave.

    This morning, we listened to "Creating a Passion-Driven Business and Life" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. This is an oldie, but a goodie from 2015, worth the listen. Wade and I love both Tom and Lewis, so this interview was a pleasant treat for us. Tom shares his experience building a multi-million dollar company in such a short time by aligning passion with business and investing in self-awareness. Throughout the interview, we paused multiple times and had some deep and long conversations, including the fact that we married for the wrong reasons and we were both ill-prepared and not emotionally equipt for it. We spoke about changing your perspective if you can not change your situation, environment or job. Overall we had a great walk and talk, with minimal triggers.

    Tonight our friends are coming over for some burgers, drinks and board gaming. I hope, hope, hope Wade does not get drunk/sloppy and this will not end up being a triggering night for me... with the shit he might say.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Emotionally easy day, thus far.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Health
    Clean Keto on a Budget - Target Grocery Haul



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 591: 9/12/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we had our friends over, so we weren't able to talk much. We did have a little time though and just reflected how we had a good, laid back time with our friends. That is was easy, we chatted, ate, played a board game and Wade did not get drunk and he did not do or say anything 'triggering', it was a truly pleasant time, we both agreed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Failure Is Necessary For You To Succeed”, in this episode, we're reminded why failure is necessary for you to succeed. Remember, fail early, fail often, fail forward.

    This morning, Wade had to go to PT, so, I walked alone and listened to some of my new book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk MD, my current best takeaway? "There are many different forms of treatment [for trauma], from medications to talking, yoga, EMDR, theater, and neurofeedback. The challenge is, how can people gain control over the residues of past trauma and return to being masters of their own ship. Talking, understanding and human connections help. And drugs can dampen hyperactive alarm systems. But we will also see that the imprints from the past can be transformed by having physical experiences that directly contradict the helplessness, rage, and collapse that are apart of trauma, thereby regaining self-mastery." Then I switched to some music to finish off my walk, as I waited for Wade to pick me up.

    After we made a pitstop at Costco, no major triggers there, we got home and just did nothing - ate and watched tv in silence, as the girls were in school. Then I had a doctors appointment and pretty much the rest of the day has been 'chill'.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Trigger free walk, it was pleasant.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    FAILURE



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 592: 9/13/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Meeting with the lender.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about various topics again and then I told him about some videos that I had been watching. He asked for me to play one, it was "The Porn Paradox" a Ted Talk featuring Megan Johnson. It was very informative about the industry and how everything is connected, like trafficking young girls -- straight to the end-user of porn. Megan Johnson is an influencer, a mother, a wife, and an agent for activism without borders. Full disclosure some of the words and descriptions she uses in this talk could be triggering for some.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Growing Forward: How To Let Go Of Past Hurts”, in this episode, we get some excellent tips and advice on how to let go of past hurts so that we can grow forward. Remember,

    This morning, we listened to "Escaping Porn Addiction" a Ted Talk by Eli Nash. Eli Nash is the CEO of JEG & Sons Inc. and the Co-Founder of MicDrop. Eli founded JEG & Sons in 2006 to bring no contract and unlocked phones to US e-tailers and retailers. Under his guidance, JEG grew from a startup to over $200M in revenue. He was also a porn addict, in this Ted Talk he wants to destigmatize the shame and fear surrounding porn addiction, he believes that sharing our hardships moves us through shame and into healing. Then we spent the entire day running errands, we stopped by our mortgage broker to find out if we should refinance and he was actually honest with us, explained everything and even told us that right now, refinancing is not in our best interest. I was pleasantly surprised by his honesty, so was Wade and although we walked out of that meeting without refinancing, we learned a whole lot.

    Then we got home and Wade made me a yummy meal, we watched some TV and had a lazy day at home. It was nice and peaceful.


    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Had an easy/pleasant day of running errands with Wade.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Addiction
    Escaping Porn Addiction



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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    Last edited: Sep 13, 2019 at 3:28 PM
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 593: 9/14/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) YouTube.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about random topics, but most of all we reflected on how the last two days have been rather calm/peaceful. I told him "you know what that means" and he said, "oh stop it, that's not true". I am always under the assumption that if things are too good or too calm, something will pop up to cause a shitstorm.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Become More Disciplined and Focused”, in this episode, we get several helpful tips on how to become more disciplined and focused. Remember, real discipline equals real freedom.

    This morning, before Wade left for his doctor's appointment, we listened to "Change Your Closet, Change Your Life" a Ted Ex with Gillian Dunn. Where she goes over how we live in abundance but suffer from a scarcity mindset. This talk was born out of a candle melting in the closet before the chance of being lit and sent Gillian on a journey of discovering why. This talk takes you through why we, as humans, stockpile stuff, the mindsets that drive this action, and why it is imperative that we change before it's too late. Gillian utilizes research, personal experience and stories from the Emergency Department to remind us that we must choose every day what kind of life we want to live. Gillian Dunn works as a Registered Nurse in the Emergency Department. She loves the fast pace, interacting with people from all walks of life, and putting structure and organization into an environment that is often chaos. She often receives two responses when she tells people she works in the Emergency “I could never do that!” and “Oh man, one time I was in emerg and...” She is very interested in a simple and intentional life. In the last year, she has really tried to simplify her life so that she has time for the things she enjoys and wants to focus on. This has left more room for learning, growing and challenging herself. She believes it’s the little things in life that turn out to be big in the end, and she is trying to focus on those little things.

    My during my walk, I listened to an awesome talk by Tony Robbins and his wife about relationships. It was called "Why Relationships Are So Hard" and how he speaks, what he says - it just makes so much sense. @Wade W. Wilson and I have been trying to live like this, ever since the recovery began and it has been proven to be the right way to live in a relationship in order for both partners to feel loved and heard. There were a few triggers on the trail, so in these instances, I am actually glad I was alone, without Wade - you know, too much eye candy, so better safe than sorry.

    We initially had plans to go to a local festival, but the weather was weird, too chilly, drizzle and cold, so we opted to just stay home. The day did not go to waste though, we started the big elephant task of cleaning out my closet, what to keep, pass on to my daughter or donate. I really appreciated Wade's help with this, he didn't have to but did and it makes it go quicker and his decisiveness helps my hoarding tendencies lol.

    Then we had a mini-BBQ with the kids and watched Hotel Transylvania 3.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Got rid of a lot of "it's okay" dresses, that I normally would have kept in my closet, unworn forever.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    4 Ways to Become More Disciplined



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 594: 9/15/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Family Time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about two of the videos he watched. They were both ones I recommended to him, first we discussed "Let’s Talk Porn | Maria Ahlin | TEDxGöteborg", in addition to being a public speaker, author, and educator Maria is an expert on issues concerning pornography and sex-buying she has given more than 400 public talks. In this Ted Talk, she goes into ** graphic ** (AND TRIGGERING) details about different types of P and what it does to both the users and how the users create a 'supply and demand' chain for the multibillion-dollar P industry. Wade told me that this video, some of her descriptions of P did trigger him in a way, but it did not give him an urge to go and PM. He said some of the type of P she named, triggered him to remember stuff he would watch and how much he enjoyed it at the time. Then he told me how much he (and I did too) enjoyed "Better Intimacy For Her, Better Sex For Him & Vice Versa | Amy Color | TEDxStanleyPark", in this video, Amy an Intimacy Therapy Coach, international trainer, clinical supervisor, defines the science and sound of intimacy. She’s created practical solutions based on decades of research with proven results. She shares her recipes for physical and emotional intimacy that foster deep secure connection in a respectful and entertaining way. It really was a fun and informational video to watch, Wade and I agree with many of her points, we've seen significant differences ever since building our intimacy. Then we went inside to watch some TV, he gave me a nice foot rub too.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Steve Harvey Talks About His Life Before The Steve Harvey Morning Show”, in this episode, Steve Harvey gives his own compelling testimony on his struggles before the success of the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Remember, if you don't go after what you want, don't be surprised when you don't get it.

    This morning, we started listening to "How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth" an interview with Kyle Cease, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Kyle Cease is a New York Times best-selling author with two #1 Comedy Central specials to his credit. He has been a guest speaker at thousands of colleges, summits, and Fortune 500 conferences and has made over 100 TV and movie appearances. Kyle teaches that most of our “triggers” are fears we have based on old stories. Once we dig deep to figure out where those are rooted, we can stop letting them control us. I had a few takeaways so far, but one of the most relatable ones was when he said this at around 50 minutes: "the only things it that causes fear is you not wanting it to be there if you're loved fear it can't last bring it on because fear is your resistance to yourself ah that's big so it's only the factor so it's not that you're in fear it's that we are trying to get rid of it it's that we're trying to change it it's that we think it shouldn't be there but life is so cool that it's trying to get you to learn to love more unconditionally to even create a capacity to even love that fear which you have."

    We went to the mall for a Pokemon Go community day event, some minor triggers were there (it's a Sunday after all). I spent most of my time talking to our eldest daughter about the insane temper tantrum she threw in the morning, I am hoping something got through to her, but I doubt it. Wade, went to the indoor playground with the little one. We met up after for lunch and had some good family time there. Overall it was a good day.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Got over some minor triggers fast, was able to enjoy the day without my mood being completely ruined.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Tony Robbins: Why Relationships Are So Hard



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 595: 9/16/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about our daughter and her tantrums, discussing what happened with her earlier in the day and sharing our thoughts on it and what to do in the future. We talked about some various topics mixed in with that as well. Then we went inside to watch some TV while he gave me a nice foot rub. Before bed he also gave me a backrub, it felt so good and relieved a lot of pain I've been having, it's been quite a while since the last one, so there was a lot of tension released and that felt great.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Success Is Knowing Your Purpose In Life”, in this episode, we hear about why success is knowing your purpose in life. Remember, if you know your "why", you can endure just about anything.

    This morning, we finished listening to "How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth" an interview with Kyle Cease, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Kyle Cease is a New York Times best-selling author with two #1 Comedy Central specials to his credit. Now he spends all of his time helping to motivate others all around the world. In finishing this great (and long) interview, Kyle continued to make very good points, which opened up a lot of conversation with Wade and myself. The most important takeaway was his biggest point "you're only stressed because your mind can measure what you will lose, but can't see what you'll gain". Afterward, we went for our weekly supermarket run.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Trigger free day!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Better Intimacy For Her, Better Sex For Him & Vice Versa



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 596: 9/17/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about various topics and how the last two days have been good days for us. Then I don't remember how, we began talking about my fears/anxiety for some upcoming events, like the cruise, etc. Then we went into a whole talk about triggers and how I don't think I will ever be in a place where I can stay somewhere, with one of "them" present and my mind not automatically getting triggered into the worst thoughts... "I will never ever be what he truly desires" or the nonstop thoughts of "yeah, there she is... I bet deep down, he wants to look at her, he's prob trying really difficult to not look, he is forcing himself to focus on me just to avoid drama later" -- he believes I'm getting better and that my recent 'glitches' are actually not 'glitches' but progress, but unfortunately, I don't. Heck, I hope he is right and at some point, these triggers will go away or become insignificant, but something tells me they are here to stay. I wish for his beliefs to come to pass because living like this, with these constant painful reminders of not being enough for him are killing me, I want them gone, I want true peace and happiness.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Elevate Your Life And Become Limitless”, in this episode, Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about how to become limitless. Remember, you are the sum total of all of the choices you've made up until now.

    This morning, before we left the house, we started listening to "Making Marriage Work" with Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. He is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction and has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. In this video, Dr. Gottman outlines the findings, tools, and techniques that have helped thousands of couples from around the world build a “Sound Relationship House,” the science behind happy relationships! So far, we got to his simple equation/explanation on how he and many can predict which marriages will work and which will end up in divorce. How? he uses a simple formulation, 5 to 1, if there are 5 times more positives in an argument and only 1 negative - it will work out, if it's in reverse, the relationship will fail. I can not wait to listen to the rest of this. Then I walked by myself and listened to a remarkable story of going from victim to victor, while Wade did some fishing. I listened to an Impact Theory episode, "No Matter How Broken You Are, He Explains How to Get Whole". In this one, Tom Bilyeu interviewed Nick Santonastasso, who was born with no legs and one arm and he absolutely refuses to make excuses. He became a varsity wrestler, a social media sensation, and wrote the book that perfectly describes his mindset, “Victim to Victor.” For him, it's your mindset that makes you disabled and nothing else. Here, Nick talks about how his parents raised him, about being in full victim-mode in middle and high school, he explains how his mindset became his superpower, how failure and getting beat up helped him out, he describes why the biggest disability is a bad mindset, and how his value system has changed. Best quote: “People can see me on the street and be like, ‘Wow, look how disabled that guy is.’ And I’m like, pfft. Have you seen your mindset? Have you seen the way you operate? Have you seen the way you react to situations, that you’re pissed off in traffic? You think the world happens TO you. I’m not disabled. You’re handicapped.” It was a fascinating interview/story, truly inspirational.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No triggers on the trail, calm walk!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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