Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 605: 9/26/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Explanation here.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning with Wade.
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Last night, we talked about our little's one's open house at school and about my trigger being there and the trigger that followed. We didn't talk much though, both of us were exhausted. Then we went inside and watched some TV while he gave me a nice foot rub and then spoiled me with a back rub right after. I really appreciate it, because I know he does not have to do that for me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Stop Seeking Validation From Others (And Why You Should)”, in this episode, Joel Osteen talks with us about the perils of constantly seeking validation from others. Remember, what someone else does or does not do, thinks or does not think does not determine your value.

This morning, started rough with some back and fourth's between Wade and our eldest, we talked about that. Then as we began our walk, I got triggered rather quickly by one of the women who triggered me a few days ago. We began listening to "Zachary Levi: ON Growing from Depression" an interview with Jay Shetty, on his podcast, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Where Zachary Levi opens up about his personal struggles with depression, anxiety and mental health as well as how meditation, prayer, and therapy have helped him grow from it all. It opened up a lot of conversation for Wade and me, as both of us used other "outlets" to cover up our loneliness, sadness and so many feelings that we never thought to discuss with each other before recovery. After that we ran a few errands and had a good time together, we also had a lunch date... which was nice too. What sucked was Wade had some knee issues, hope he feels better soon.

Tonight we have another open house, this time for our eldest, I am not looking forward to seeing that triggering PTA mom again. This time I am not going to forget my grounding ring... wish me luck!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling good about the morning I had with Wade, even though I/we had some issues.

#Motivational
Joel Osteen - Don't Rely On People


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 606: 9/27/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Explanation here.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Music.
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Last night, we didn't talk. While he smoked, I spoke with our eldest about her new teachers, goals for the new school year and told her about my junior high/high school memories. Then Wade and I cycled through some of the 'potential' shows I added for us to watch on Amazon Prime and most of them (even though they have good reviews) were 'meh' for us.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Train Your Mind: It’s Easy If You Do It The Smart Way”, in this episode, we learn how to train your mind to get what you want. Remember, whatever you tell your mind it believes. First, you make your beliefs then your beliefs make you.

This morning, Wade suddenly informs me that he is going fishing with my dad. This is after a whole slew of mentions of things I wanted to do today and even also my thought of going to a new place [I brought it up yesterday] because his knee hurt and I figured he wouldn't be walking with me anyway. None of those times did he tell me "but we can't because I'm going fishing with you dad". I HATE surprises. Anyhow, he claims he did mention it to me yesterday and I argued with him that NO he did not. If he mentioned it to me yesterday, I would have replied with "really? because my dad told me that he was in too much pain to going fishing this week" and I would not have mentioned going to the new place, but even if I did, he no doubt should have responded with "but you know your dad can't go there, it's too much walking", where I would have responded with "my dad?" hence him having a chance to "remind" me that he had plans to go fishing with my dad today. Anyway, I told him to drop his right fighting a few times but he continued to trigger me but NOT dropping it and arguing over and over that he did tell me but I must have ignored him or forgot, just that line in the conversation I recalled to him earlier. Then I was in no mood for anything anymore but he continued talking to me anyway. Of course, later on, he apologized and told me that he does not know why he always does this, why he does not drop topics, etc. I am so frustrated with this, not to mention everything I had thought I was going to do this morning ... I did not do because of this "curveball" that I was not expecting, which also triggers the shit out of me because I HATE uncertainty and when shit does not go as planned.

Then to annoy me further, my mom, whom I have told countless times... NOT to give my daughter her laptop continued to do so and now has a virus or malware that caused the startup disk to fail and not load, so I have been trying to figure out that crap. ALL I wanted to do today was work on my design for a shirt, I wanted to finish it because staying creative helps calm me and I can not even do that, which sucks.

This is not the kind of mood I wanted to start this weekend with because tomorrow his parents are coming (making it worse, I'm sure), plus we have a medieval festival on Sunday... which I was personally kind of 1/2 excited about (love the time period and planned to dress up, etc.) but also 1/2 nervous as fuck about the guaranteed triggers there and Wade being extremely overwhelmed with all of the 'barely dressed' aka tits all-out eye candy there. Now with this shit going on between us, he is more likely to want to look at other women... I am sure of it, no matter how much he is going to deny and claim "it's not true!" - I won't buy it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was in a really shitty mood, I still found something to be grateful for... music.

#Motivational
This Is How You Can Train Your Mind To Do What You Want


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 607: 9/28/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Explanation here.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Teamwork.
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Last night, we talked about the huge issue we had in the morning. He apologized again, also thanked me for my patience. I told him all of my thoughts, how he made me feel, why he ended up triggering me more and how him going into victim mode frustrated me even more.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “9 Great Tips On How To Have A Better Personality”, in this episode, we get 9 great tips on how to have a better personality. Those tips? 1. Be a better listener - engage, put the phone down, make eye contact, 2. Become more interesting - engaging and actively seeking out education and information, 3. Practice and adopt a more optimistic outlook on life - talk about positive things and look at things differently, 4. Be encouraging and supportive to others - people raise you up with positive energy, 5. Have integrity and treat people with respect, 6. Don't talk about people, make fun of other people, and gossip, 7. Don't be afraid to be yourself, 8. Have the ability to laugh at yourself, and 9. Do things that you need to do daily to facilitate your confidence - if you like what you see looking back in the mirror and know you bring value to the world, this confidence will transition to everything in your life. Remember, the most important kind of freedom is to be who you really are.

This morning, we took the little one to the doctors, then ran a bunch of errands to prepare for his parent's arrival. I don't think Wade was overwhelmed when they came over. We had a decent time, no issues that I could think of. Then our neighbors down the halls told us that they were basically getting kicked out, like asap and Wade did a good deed and helped them fix a few things around the house. It's sad of course, to have your whole life suddenly uprooted and having to leave everything behind ... to start over in another state, it's sad and I really feel for them. There was a minor trigger today at the doctor's office, but I moved passed it quickly. Overall, today was a much better day than yesterday! Tomorrow... well I'm all nerves about it... so I guess we shall see.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My mood was much better, even though I'm feeling under the weather.

#Motivational
How To Improve Your Personality


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 608: 9/29/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Explanation here.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
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Last night, we talked about his parent's visit and the fact that it was not bad. He thinks; and I agree, that because these days both of us are aware and present at these get-togethers... we both know that the other is mentally there with us, to support and empathize with the other - that awareness reminds us, that no matter the situation, we are no longer "alone" with our true thoughts and emotions, which makes events easier to get through. He also brought up something that his dad said because it triggered some thoughts. He said him, his father and our little one were together, she did something to the door (peeled something), he said that he and his dad recalled when he was little and ripped a wallpaper, because for her his dad said it was no big deal and laughed it off but Wade remembered that when he did it as a kid, his dad got pissed, would punish him and even hit him with a belt. He said he remembers thinking he was always bad especially because his dad never countered any of that with telling him he is proud of him or that he loved him. He believes that all played a very big role in how he reacts when I confront him with something, instantly going into defensive mode. Then as we watched TV he finished my nails (a fab job! and I really appreciate his help) -- we've saved so much money this way, me not going to the salon for mani/pedi!!.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “For A More Peaceful Life Learn To Trust The Flow Of Life”, in this episode, we hear a great message from Dr. Wayne Dyer reminding us that peace comes when we learn to trust in the flow of life. Remember, take this idea that you have that you must be attached to things and apply to it the reality that you came here with nothing, and when you leave this great Earth you'll be leaving with nothing.

This morning, we finished listening to "Zachary Levi: ON Growing from Depression" an interview with Jay Shetty, on his podcast, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Where Zachary Levi opens up about his personal struggles with depression, anxiety, and mental health. A really good exchange/point was this: "Jay: We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing..."Zachary: yes ... the point is of continuously having 'play' in our lives and being playful and being childlike, not childish...". Wade and I could really relate because luckily, we both have a lot of "geeky" things in common, keeping the childlike stuff acceptable in our lives and household. We were both okay with Dave and Busters as a Valentine's date... instead of the usual fancy dinner etc.

Then, we all got ready and headed out to our local Medieval Festival. This year, all of us decided to dress up, ironically I use to be one of those people... you know someone who made fun of the ones who dressed up for events - because pre-healing/self-care, I would never dress up - I would feel too ashamed constantly wondering what others could be thinking about me. Now, things are different, I feel different and I finally get why people do it - it's fun. Wade was full of compliments about how my outfit turned out and I felt confident in what I was wearing, oglers were everywhere but I didn't let them ruin my mood or make me feel ashamed for dressing up. The girls got dressed up too... but Wade, he had the most fun with his outfit because he decided to go as Deadpool Renaissance Man LOL. I think his costume was a hit, he was like the belle of the ball because everyone was screaming out "look it's Deadpool!" "DEADPOOL!!!" and asking for photos constantly. There were quite a few triggers there for me after all this was a jampacked event and a lot of women had their boobs out on display and/or wearing really tight clothing/yoga pants. Luckily I had my grounding ring on and was able to roll or squeeze it as needed. I know Wade probably slipped a lot, chances are, he most likely ended up full-blown ogling because there were so many people and as I mentioned 'eye candy' for him there, I would imagine this sort of event/situation left him in a very difficult position in terms of self-control. It's like telling someone they can't eat sugar, then bringing them to a bakery. He was giving me a lot of compliments the whole time which felt great, but I have a feeling at times - it was to remove some of the guilt off of himself, for slipping or ogling. Hopefully, he will be honest and let me know what was really happening in his head tonight since we haven't had time to talk about it yet. Overall, the time was well spent, we had a fun day there, even with the triggers/issues. I just wish it didn't have to be this way, I wish I didn't have to be triggered, anxious or constantly in a state of worry - when all I really prefer is to dress up and have a good, thoughtless day of fun.

Later tonight we have a kids birthday party to attend... I have a feeling that there will be a lot of triggering moms at this one, so... I'll be bringing my grounding ring here too, can't be safe anywhere, sadly.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got through the festival without getting triggered up the wazoo.

#Motivational
Destroy Self Doubt


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 609: 9/30/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Explanation here.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning with Wade.
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Last night, we talked a little bit about the day at the festival and how I feel when I hear him telling me that I'm beautiful etc., that it is an odd thought/feeling because on the one hand I really love hearing it and makes me feel good... then on the other hand, it makes me think "is he just saying it because he has slipped or ogled and is guilt-ridden, so he is trying to relieve himself of that guilt? I don't know why my brain auto does that, that sort of thinking... I mean. Perhaps it is apart of the trigger, but I hope that with enough mental work, it will change. I want to believe him on this, I really do because I hate those triggers/thoughts... but I just am not used to him behaving, feeling or talking that way - after 12 years of the complete opposite, I guess a year is just not enough time to persuade my mind/internal gut. It's just weird, I am grateful for his changes though and I do see them [the changes], the effort he puts in, I feel the authentic love and connection... and I know that is significant, night and day really.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Break The Habit Of Procrastination”, in this episode, we get great tips from Isaiah Hankel on how to break the habit of procrastination and finally achieve our biggest goals in life. Remember, only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.

This morning, my cold was running rampant so I couldn't walk. Instead, we ran some errands and picked up some meds for me too. While driving to and from places, we began listening to "Daniella Monet: ON Loving Your Body" an interview with Jay Shetty, on his podcast, On Purpose with Jay Shetty, so far, in my opinion, this isn't a "mind-blowing" one, but it's okay, she talks about looking at things positively and working to make healthy/vegan food for affordable to your average joe. We pre-booked a Brick or Treat event at Legoland, so we went there with our little one... the older one decided to stay home. We let the little one play, see a 4D movie, go on the rides and she had a blast - because she behaved so well, we even bought her a Lego brick set. Afterward, we went to have some lunch. There were triggers throughout, but nothing too big for me. I forgot my grounding ring, which sucked but I made due anyway. Overall it was a good day, especially because of the joy our little one had. She has been playing with her new lego's for hours, even opened the booklet and created all of those little creations by following the picture instructions... without any help! I'm impressed.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Enjoyed the family time today, happy to say I was completely present the whole time.

#Motivational
Focus On Yourself EVERY DAY


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 610: 10/01/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about various topics. He made me laugh from a quote incident, we've made it a thing to send each other quote memes - daily, last night we sent each other the same one. Then we spoke about how horrible I have been feeling (my cold)... and how this, like a few other things, make me feel like I am a lot less desirable to him and how it probably reminds him why other women are sexier. He told me none of that matters or affects him, it only reminds him that I'm human, that he continues to find me desirable and sexy, that it's all in my head... I dunno though - I see it differently. Then he took care of me by giving me an epic foot reflexology massage to help my nasal congestion, I think it actually worked too. When we were laying in bed, he was holding me so tight, I told him what was on my mind, that right now, being curled up in his arms made me feel protected and safe.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “12 Habits Successful People Have That You Can Develop Too”, in this episode, we learn about the 12 habits successful people have: 1. Waking Up Early, 2. Treating Failure Like Gold, 3. Ignoring Conformity, 4. Reading Everyday, 5. Spending Money, 6. Making Sacrifices, 7. Creative Writing, 8. Mild Procrastination, 9. Self-Improvement, 10. Networking, 11. Exercising Consistently, and 12. Daily Meditation. Remember, don't let your failures break you. Let them make you stronger.

This morning, we continued listening to "Daniella Monet: ON Loving Your Body" an interview with Jay Shetty, on his podcast, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Daniella is an actress and has been since she was a child. She opens up about her personal struggles with family, body image, finding purpose, learning to love herself, and shows us how she’s been able to use the negative experiences in her life to inspire people around the world. Biggest takeaway? "Jay: someone asked me the question the other day, they've said Jay how do you stay detached from the result, like how do you stay detached from an expectation of 'how' something should go and I said that it's when you get to the degree that you're getting all of what you need from the process. To that degree you don't need it from a milestone or an end but if you're not getting any juice from the process, then you're gonna wait for that award, you're going to wait for the milestone, you're going to wait for the big day because you're not getting any happiness or joy, but if you're getting happiness and joy from the process then you're not looking for it anywhere else."

Then we took the kids to the indoor playground/mall. Wade stayed with the girls in the play area and I was walking my rounds. I listened to a few random YouTube videos (Tony Robbins, Brene Brown, etc.) then turned on some tunes as I finished up. Wade and I were trading messages throughout, it was cute. I had a few minor triggers but nothing that knocked me off course. Then we met up for some Halloween shopping, there was a decent-sized trigger in there but I had my ring with me, which I have to say - helps a lot. We had a very caloric but delicious lunch. The rest of the day was laid back and chill... I also felt better after taking some medicine.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I felt better today, health-wise, so my mood was up.

#Motivational
12 Shocking Habits of Successful People


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 611: 10/02/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke about various topics again, including my triggers at the mall and his slip. We spoke about a message I received from an SO, telling me that she just had another DDay, which came out of nowhere [for her] because she was readying to celebrate his one year clean. However, her PA had been lying about being off PM for months, lying to her, his sponsor and group the whole time. I told him how that is one of my biggest fears too, but he reminded me of somethings I had brought up all those times when I felt something was off (when he was lying to me) versus how things are between us now - he brought up all good points, made sense, but fears are still fears and sometimes they don't need current facts to surface. It was a good talk, as usual, we got a lot of thoughts and feelings out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why It’s Important To Find Your Purpose In Life”, in this episode, Jim Rohn has a message on why it's important to find your purpose in life. Remember, when you know your purpose in life, you never need to be pushed toward it. Your passion for it will drive you to it.

This morning, we finished listening to "Daniella Monet: ON Loving Your Body" with Jay Shetty, on his podcast, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Daniella is an actress and has been since she was a child. She opens up about her personal struggles with family, body image, finding purpose, learning to love herself, and shows us how she’s been able to use the negative experiences in her life to inspire people around the world. We went to a bigger park with a huge fishing lake because Wade really wanted to try fishing there (for a while now). His knee had been bothering him, so he wouldn't be able to walk with me anyway and to be honest, I don't really care where I walk, so long as I'm moving. During the ride there we finished the Daniella podcast, we also spoke about how no matter what we do, we feel connected these days - driving, shopping - it doesn't matter, nothing is a drag anymore, it's all enjoyable and connecting. The weather was on the warm side but it was okay because the location was by the water so there was a nice soft breeze from time to time. The walk was beautiful for sure, while I walked I finished listening to "The 6 Human Needs - Why We Do What We Do" by Tony Robbins. All I can say is WOW, this is a must-listen for any person, but especially for someone in healing or recovery, kind of puts some perspective on why we do, some of the things we do and how to change. Then I turned everything off, put away my phone and just walked while listening to nature, it was peaceful. As I approached Wade, I noticed that the tide was coming in and he apparently didn't realize that, so he was surrounded by water ... it was funny. He fished a little bit more and then we left, we talked about various things on the way back, like how the worst days of this recovery were still much better than our best days pre-recovery, it's weird but so true.

Tomorrow is a big day for Wade and me - I'm totally nervous/scared and excited, all in one... fingers crossed that it won't be a total triggerfest for me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The feeling I had inside while watching the joy Wade had when he was in his element this morning.

#Motivational
You May Not Know Your Purpose, But You Do Have One


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 612: 10/03/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we again talked about various topics. How being connected has changed everything for us and continues to do so, through all the highs and lows - it is still better than anything we've had before. We even ventured into some "what if" scenarios and pondered which would be worse, from the SO's side... having another D-Day two years into what one believes is "recovery/healing" OR the PA being clean and things going seemingly well, connecting, feeling loved, desired, safe and then the PA decides he loves her, but no longer desires her as a partner, but is clean/honest with her about it, but it's over. Both of us saw it differently, he believes a new D-Day is worse, for me... both are horrible but finally feeling safe, growing with someone, falling-in-love again, finally believing that 'yes! I am who he desires'... for him to then turn around and say, out of nowhere "I changed my mind, everything I had been saying to you for the past two years, everything you've begun to believe, well, I don't know what happened, but I changed my mind, sorry". Both scenarios are ones where the SO had been lied to again, living under deception, but finally feeling safe and living in honesty, to get the rug pulled out from under you... it would be devastating. Then, we went to watch some TV, he was in too much pain to give me a foot rub, which was fine with me. I took the lotion and applied it myself and since I already got my hands greasy, I began giving myself a rub. After we laid down, he told me that while I was doing that - he was filling up with shame about it all, even considering jumping in and doing it anyway, even through pain even though he knew I wasn't doing this as a test or to provoke him. And I wasn't, my feet legitimately were killing me from the walk that morning, I walked a lot and in humidity, so I wanted to moisturize my feet so they wouldn't get messed up and I explained that to him but he said he knows all that but still couldn't stop the shame from coming over. I guess it kind of works like triggers for me...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “10 Remarkable Characteristics We Are Sure To See In Every True Leader”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe talks about the characteristics all true leaders have in common. Remember, true leaders, don't create more followers - they create more leaders.

This morning, we were getting ready to go to NYCC and I was already on pins and needles over the event in general. I decided to go as a Steampunk Rogue (X-Men) and used Halloween temporary spray to color some of my hair (two white streaks). However, those white streaks came out like faded gray strands on my dark hair, even though we wasted the entire canister. When I saw myself in the mirror - that's when shit hit the fan. All I could think was "fucking great, not only did I already have a steep uphill battle to compete for Wade's attention at Con with all those 'hot' half-naked chicks as it were... now I look a gazillion times worse than I normally would have and old as hell to boot". I began going into a complete tailspin, I lost all my excitement and I didn't want to go anywhere. Wade saw me losing my shit, he quickly jumped in and begin trying to calm me down (take me from 100 back down to at least 55 lol) and coming up with different remedies and solutions for me... he even offered to just say 'screw the money, let's just stay home'. Him just pointing that out gave me some peace of mind/certainty, I knew that if I hated how I would look after washing out that gray, we could just not go and that was okay. It kind of threw me back into some sense of rationale. He also kept telling me that he only wants me, he doesn't care about who else will be there, that no matter who, what, where - no one else matters to him. That he finds me beautiful and sexy, all he can think about is me and only I give him 'tingles'. He talked me off the ledge today and I believe it really did make a difference, we ended up going and I was in a much better mood by the time we got in the car.

Once we finally got in the car and headed out for NYCC, I was in a better mood (music on the way helped) but I still felt anxious about all of the potential triggers I was about to endure. Overall, we had a good time, there were some triggers for me, my grounding ring was a saving grace. Something else that helped was Wade not acting jumpy/fidgety around anyone. He has had a tendency; sometimes, when there are women around that, let's just say... make both of us uncomfortable, he starts talking fast, jumping from topic to topic, grabs me quickly to take me in another direction, makes quick and sudden movements -- all things I do pick up on, especially when I also see who's around (and it all clicks). This time he did not any of that, which I also noticed and it did put me at ease, it made an already tense situation a bit easier on me. He was full of compliments toward me, he did have some slips but claims none were ogles and he did not have any urges, dunno if he really understands the true difference between a "slip" and and ogle though, it's debatable as we differ in opinion on it apparently. Anyway, I felt really good in my costume, confident and ended up getting a lot of attention from the male species, definitely picked up on that. We had fun moments that -- had we stayed home, we'd never have to add to our memories... like to win a glow in the dark plushie for our little one, the host asked for someone to show him a pin, first person to do it wins, mine was holding together the top of my corset LOL so when I began pointing I was pointing at my boobs which probably confused him but he then had to get up, close and personal to confirm it really was a pin, the crowd was cracking up - so were we. Then there was a booth offering a free new up and coming comic book series, Wade and I grabbed one, he began walking away but for some reason, I looked up and noticed who was publishing this comic, and to our surprise... it was "Impact Theory", both of us got really excited! we started talking up one of the Impactivists at the booth, which was fun, we instantly connected with him - too bad Tom wasn't there today, we would have loved to meet him and let him know just how grateful we are for his content. We took all the photo ops we could, walked around and looked at all the cool stuff (that we couldn't afford LOL) and we got to mingle with our favorite artist Greg Horn, bought some beautiful prints too. On the way back we reflected about our day, his slips, my triggers and how it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Overall, we had a good time together, we were connected the entire time and made some new memories that are now apart of our history/shared experiences.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I enjoyed NYCC, even with some triggers.

#Motivational
Alan Watts - Control Your Money, Control Your Mind


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 613: 10/04/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Awesome Comforter.
---------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, we talked about our day at NYCC (pretty much everything both of us discussed in our journals). We watched some TV and he gave me a relaxing foot rub and backrub. During the back rub, we continued talking and I told him how I was really trying to rewrite my train of thoughts, on how I'm preparing 'for the worst' when it comes to this upcoming cruise. To try and think 'maybe it won't be that bad and there is no reason to be this stressed over it, because so far, the anxiety leading up to the event is far worse then the event turns out to be'... which is, of course, easier to think about, when I am not triggered. I guess we will see if I can overpower the negative thoughts, the more I do it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Have A Better Life By Raising Your Standards”, in this episode, we have an inspiring message on having a better life by raising your standards. Remember, raise your standards and the universe will meet you there.

This morning, we started listening to "The Key to Abundance and Success" an interview with Lisa Nichols, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Lisa Nichols is a motivational speaker who has inspired millions through her seminars and her role as a featured teacher in The Secret. She is also the founder of Motivating the Masses and CEO of Motivating the Teen Spirit, LLC. In this interview, Lisa and Lewis discuss the concept of “abundance”. Most people think of wealth, security, not having to worry about where your money is coming from, etc. But Lisa believes in another side of abundance, which comes only when you cultivate an 'abundant mindset'. She made a lot of interesting and inspiring points, she had a difficult life and overcame a lot of hardships, which is what led her to become the person she is today. Wade had a doctors appointment this morning, I am glad I went with him because this particular doctor is such a condescending asshole, so I feel like he [Wade] needed the emotional support LOL. Both of us couldn't wait for that appointment to end, so we can get our day started. Afterward, we went to Dave and Buster's so we could have a day date of gaming without kids in toe. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my grounding ring... and of course our waitress at D&B was a trigger. Wade tried to talk me through it and make his case on why she doesn't affect him and all he can think about is me... but I just don't know. After a while, the trigger did settle down a bit, we had a really fun time together playing all sorts of games, winning tickets and feeling like we are teenagers that were dropped off at a mall for a day of fun haha. I love our day dates like this, they don't really cost much and yes, perhaps they are kind of childish, but it's something we both love and enjoy. I just wish triggers weren't always apart of all these experiences, all the damn time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was able to get passed my trigger and enjoyed my time with Wade.

#Motivational
DO WHAT IS NEEDED


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 614: 10/05/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, we watched some TV and he gave me a lovely foot rub, which I enjoyed very much. Then, we went to sleep... well 'kinda' lol

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Achieve Personal Freedom and Become A One Percenter”, in this episode, we learn the secret to personal freedom and how to become a one-percenter. Remember, Self Discipline is the center of all material success.

This morning, we finished listening to "The Key to Abundance and Success" an interview with Lisa Nichols, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. I broke it down in my last two entries, so I won't do it again. This morning he had physical therapy, then afterward we went to the mall so our little one could run around and expend some energy. We had a lovely lunch; where he told me a bit about some of the stuff he read in his book about shame, where she spoke about infertility as an example - which was relatable because we went through it a few years ago and I felt completely alone throughout that who process and experience. We'll talk some more about it this evening. We also bought some goodies at Barnes & Noble and Target. The car ride back was sweet as we were playing with the hands of each other. Then, as we were pulling up to our place, there was a trigger, she and her family were with a real estate agent, I guess looking at an apartment (on our floor!)... all I thought was GREAT, all I need is another neighbor like that, FML. Wade tried to explain that he no longer cares about anyone else, but I dunno... doesn't seem realistic to me. I guess we will see, still hoping they won't get the place.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feel good and giddy on the car ride home with Wade, he knows why.

#Motivational
The ONE THING Only 1% of People Do


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 615: 10/06/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Texting.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade read a part of his Brene book, where she spoke about infertility and how to be there for someone going through this. It was a very informative piece and it obviously touched Wade in a big way because; as he told me, after reading her checklist of how to be there, he realized that indeed I really went through it all - alone. Just having him show remorse, understanding and empathizing with those past hurts helps me get some closure. I haven't really thought about this topic in years, but while we were discussing it, a lot of my old feelings were surfacing. Him finally validating that it wasn't all in my head, that I really was going through it alone, and also apologizing for not being there, gave me a sense of peace/closure on that chapter of my life.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Let Go Of Being A Good Person To Become A Better Person”, in this episode, we learn how to let go of being a good person to become a better person. Remember, be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

This morning, Wade had to return to work and both of us have been out of sorts since he walked out of the door because of it. It's weird, pre-recovery, we couldn't wait for him to go back to work (we both had our own reasons). Now, everything just feels off and we miss each other's company because we got so used to it... and it sucks, royally. I had to walk alone, during my walk, I listened to "Why You Should Quit Sugar, Appreciate Anxiety, and Experiment With Everything" an interview with Sarah Wilson, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Sarah is a bestselling author who started the “I Quit Sugar” movement and is now taking on anxiety and mental health. During their conversation, she explains why you need to quit sugar immediately, how to deal with anxiety and depression, and why the best health tips for most people are simple and inexpensive. She also talks about anxiety and how to befriend it, her experience with Hashimoto's disease, how she found herself in a role that didn’t fit with her values, she shares her story of becoming suicidal, she advocates meditation, she and Tom discuss gut health and its connection to brain health, she shares inexpensive, practical tips for physical and mental health and how to practice focus and resilience. Throughout my walk Wade was sending me cute texts and letting me know he misses me, just as much as I miss him - it was sweet.

I've been spending all day with the girls when I finally convinced the little one to lay down for a nap... I laid down too, about four minutes in my dad calls me and asks "are you sleeping" (yeah, the irony is not lost on me lol)... not to mention when my mom left, I told her my plan was to try and nap. Anyway, I said "Trying" and he starts rambling about how my eldest messed up his laptop and wants to come over (yes, right this second) to ask her if it was her. So, I had to get up, deal with that and he saw all the main lights were off, but he stood there and started nagging about his upstairs neighbors and what he did about it... I had to tell him multiple times to stop getting so loud because he'll wake the little one up. He finally left and I laid down for a few minutes, the bed was so cold and lonely though. :-(

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The feeling I got in my gut, genuinely missing my time with Wade.

#Self-Care
How to let go of being a "good" person — and become a better person


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 616: 10/07/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, both of us were so happy to finally talk and hold each other, I guess it was because we felt off all day because our former routine got knocked around and we went from being together all the time to separate. Most of our talk was spent on my rambling on and on about my frustrating day - especially because of my dad. It was only until I was finished that I realized I spent the entire talk on this, which made me feel guilty lol. Wade seemed okay with it though, then we went to watch the premiere of The Walking Dead season 10, which wasn't bad, compared to how downhill the last few seasons have been.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Dramatically Improve Your Self Image”, in this episode, we get some fantastic tips on how to dramatically improve your self-image so you can live a better life. Remember, if you can see it in your mind you can hold it in your hand.

This morning, we walked and listened to "Change Your Life with This Simple Philosophy" an interview with Dolvett Quince, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Mr. Quince is a celebrity trainer and fitness model, the author of the 3-1-2-1 Diet, a former trainer on the Biggest Loser and the creator of the Quintessential App. Here he talks about how to make transformation happen, how family influences your life, and why he likes to help the underdogs of the world. Other topics they discussed why physical transformation starts in the mind, the most common roadblocks to achieving your health goals, the reason self-love is so essential, the meaning of the phrase "no weapon formed against me may prosper", which is a powerful statement. Why you need to have the yin and the yang, letting go of your excuses, the five pillars you need to focus on every day, why the 3-1-2-1 diet works, something I think would be cool to try. Why you can't give weight to anyone's opinion but your own, and how to cultivate anything you want in life. This was a great listen, we had a few discussions come from it. Both of us spoke about "find something that makes you happy", which Dolvett brought up and we both agreed that the time we spend together these days - that brings us happiness. Ironically we both agree and kind of felt ashamed to admit, that sometimes we prefer to just spend the time together... just us, no kids. We feel a sense of shame because "what kind of parent are you to say that!" but... the happier we get this way, the more available and happier we are to spend family time with them too because we are whole as people and parents. To be honest, I think we were both so deprived and lonely throughout our whole marriage [12 years+ prerecovery] because of this addiction and other variables, that now that we've [re]connected and gained this crazy intimacy, we've realized just how much we enjoy each other's company, no matter what it is we are doing -- that it just brings us both so much joy and that makes us want more and more. Perhaps it is selfish to prefer time alone with just the two of us, but oh well, we missed over 12 years of spending time together - we're making up for it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved walking with Wade, it's nothing new, but it made me feel like we were back in our routine.

#Motivational
One of the Most Motivational Videos You'll Ever See


---------------------------------------------------


---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 617: 10/08/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Talk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about some triggers I had at the supermarket earlier that evening. Of course, he told me that he noticed but didn't care for 'them' but to me... it's a whole different set of thoughts and beliefs that take over. When he held me in his arms, after the talk, it did make me feel a lot better and calmer. After that, we watched some TV as he gave me a foot rub - before he had to leave for work. As I was falling asleep, he gave me a kiss goodbye, but I do recall thinking to myself that no matter how triggered I was or got, him holding me, something about that just calms me down.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Get On The Fast Track With These 10 Rules For Success In Life”, in this episode, Denzel Washington talks about his rules for success in life; 1. Put things in perspective, 2. Prove them wrong, 3. Fail big, 4. Work the hardest, 5. Make no excuses, 6. Express honesty, 7. Find your path, 8. Seize your opportunities, 9. Help others do well, and 10. Have fun. Remember, if you're looking for an excuse you'll find one.

This morning, I woke up to a cute photo and a few messages Wade had sent me throughout the night, it always puts a smile on my face. Then, shortly after that I weighed myself and noticed that the numbers on the scale had gone up by 3 lbs, for most that's nothing, for me it's doomsday and kills my mood. When Wade got home, he hugged me and that did make me feel better, which was shortlived because the chaos of getting our girls out the door for school is so exhausting. During the ride, he mentioned how accomplished he felt because he had gone to the gym finally and how much recovery work he had gotten done. Then we realized that somehow in the middle of all the insanity we forgot our headphones for our walk. Although it didn't matter because we talked the whole way to the mall and the entire walk there. He listened to part of the Tony Robbins "The Six Human Needs" while he worked out during his shift, so we discussed all of the thoughts he got from it. He said that after listening to Tony's breakdown of Uncertainty, he has a better and more clear understanding of where I am coming from. Then we discussed how my dad is the poster child for the need of "significance" and it can explain a lot about why he does the things that he does and acts in the way that he does too. He also mentioned how he feels the need for significance and words of affirmation, especially pre-recovery, ways in which he would joke around or act out for that sort of attention... kind of how our daughter does. Then we began talking about our sore subject, triggers and what I think is going through his head, while he proclaims that it is all different for him now and he does not feel or think that way. Of course, I stated my reasoning behind my train of thoughts and he stated his... I hope he means it and is not just convincing himself. I hope that one day I'll believe what he is saying, I really want to... but my gut is non-reactive, my brain, however, tells me that there is no way it's possible for him to only want and desire me... after whom he wanted and desired before and especially not when they are in front of him where he can see/compare how I'm nothing like them, up close and personal, there is just no way I can measure up to them - and I HATE thinking this way, makes me feel pathetic and stupid.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I'm still nursing the trigger from last night, I was happy (internally) after we spent the morning together, talking (even about sore topics).

#Motivational
"If You're LOOKING For An EXCUSE, You'll FIND ONE!" - Denzel Washington


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 618: 10/09/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we discussed various topics, including how I felt when my mom shared some of her thoughts with me... after she cleaned an area of my apartment and even though I said thank you - that I appreciate it, she thought belittling me ... when cleaning was her choice, no one asked her, was 'okay' to do [apparently]. Then we went inside to watch some TV while he gave me a foot rub... then I asked him to turn the tv off because I wanted to cuddle... then one thing led to another... ;-)

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Holding Yourself Back From Living Your Best Life”, in this episode, we hear a great message from Les Brown on how to stop holding yourself back so that you can receive all that the Universe has for you. Remember, there are those who have little and give it all.

This morning, we got off to a rough start, our usual plan has been he picks me up after his shift and we go for our walk, when the weather is shitty, we do it at the mall instead of the local park. He also was aware that today, the kids were off school, so when we spoke in the morning and asked about each other's nights, after a few back and forths, he told me he was too tired to go to the mall. However, the weather was shit so that means I'd be missing the walk I was expecting to go on. I don't enjoy fishing expeditions (me having to pull answers out) either, so of course that behavior triggered anger out of me... because, in my view, he choose to go to the gym and not get his sleep in, knowing full well what I was in for during the day (aka inconsiderate and selfish behavior). After mulling it over for a bit and calming my reactivity down a bit, I decided to tell him how I felt, instead of keeping it to myself and letting that resentment build up. Of course, that ended up making him feel guilty and want to push through and go on the walk, which in turn made me feel guilty for sharing my thoughts because now he felt guilty etc., it was a whole mess of feelings and emotions coming from us both. I told him I had figured it all out, but by that point, he decided he wanted to still go walk with me, so we did. He told me about his night and that he had finished listening to the Tony Robbins "The Six Human Needs" audio and was truly blown away (as was I). He said he learned a lot and wants to actually implement some stuff into our lives, also how each of those six needs we can find in all of our behaviors and those around us too. Throughout the rest of the ride, we discussed that and how we've actually implemented those needs into our walks. As we walked we started listening to "How to Love Louder" an interview with Preston Smiles, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Smiles is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post, The Daily Love, Good Guy Swag and many other top blogs. He has a weekly radio show on KCAA called "illuminate your life" and is one of the youngest members of ATL (Association of Transformational Leaders). Preston is an extraordinary man who has had some powerful life experiences that completely changed his viewpoint on his purpose in life. They dive into all the struggles that love brings up in relationships, with ourselves, and in the world. And he gives some great insight into how to stay grounded and calm no matter what is going on, something I really wish I can learn when fight or flight takes over. They cover various topics, which then opened up some good discussions between Wade and myself. We ended on the part where Preston talks about what happens when two partners insist on staying in their masculine energy instead of creating space for the feminine and I can not wait to finish it. I don't remember why, but we circled back to our morning and how it feels good that we can now state our peace, come up with solutions and just move on... instead of "letting it go" but we now know what that really does - build up resentment towards each other, as we did so often in the past. I admitted to him that our morning exchange did trigger/anger me, I was really being pulled in multiple directions, between my initial reaction (old self/pattern of behavior) which would be allowing myself to react in silence but through anger and spite, because that's what my triggered brain was telling me to do -->> to say "ok" or "whatever" to him, let him come home and go to sleep, and I would figure something else out for my walk, then go and cancel the movie tickets for tomorrow, our planned date; put that cancelled confirmation on his desk to see later, because technically after another nightshift, he should also be too tired to stay up for our movie date too, right? that made sense to me. Then I guess my new self began to step in cautiously and kept reminding me that I need to breathe, to calm down and stop talking to myself and instead talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling right now. So, I did and he told me his thoughts and by the time we finished the walk, we both felt better that we can be this honest with each other, both were relieved that we didn't have to sit with such guilt and resentment and happier than when we began our walk.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Somehow talked my old self down and was able to bring it up to Wade instead of harboring resentment.

#Motivational
How To Stop Holding Yourself Back - Les Brown


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 619: 10/10/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Alone time with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not talk, we watched some TV as he gave me a foot rub, then offered to give me a soothing back rub, which was nice because my back was in severe pain after sitting in an awkward position while coloring with our little one.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Take The Headaches Out Of Dealing With A Toxic Person”, in this episode, we get some excellent tips and advice on how to take the headaches out of dealing with a toxic person. Remember, people either inspire you or they drain you. That's why it's important to choose your associations wisely.

This morning, he had his doctor's appointment and so I walked alone until he picked me up. I listened to "The 100 Percent Rule That Will Change Your Life" a short clip but it was packed with interesting points, worth a listen for sure. I wore boots instead of sneakers because we had plans (movie date) and because of that, I destroyed my feet. Then we decided to swing by Costco to pick up some things before going for our movie lunch date, his spontaneous idea from a few days ago [the date]. There were some triggers in Costco, I handled them as best as I could without my ring. There was one right behind us at the register, my mind was gearing up to go into trigger mode, but then that woman needed to put items on the belt and asked me "are you together?" and that snapped me into thinking "yes, we are together" and the trigger went away. Even Wade noticed and was shocked by the whole thing. In the car, he said he has had his own revelation, now when he notices women... he thinks "she would/could trigger Jag" instead of "she is someone I would ogle in the past", I believe that is progress. Then we got to our date and saw the "Downton Abbey" the movie, both of us loved the show, to be honest, I was surprised he got into it pre-recovery, it is not something he typically watched back then. The food was delicious; as usual, and the movie was great, now I wish they would continue the series because I want to know what happens next! LOL. Both of us think we may rewatch it when we run out of new stuff, I think we'll get a lot more out of it these days, then we did back then.

The rest of the day was laid back but chaotic, as it always is when the kids are home.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I walked through a trigger (mentally) when the woman stated: "are you together?"

#Motivational
6 Signs You’re Dealing With a Toxic Person


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 620: 10/11/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Day Date.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about the earlier trip to Costco and how I think what happened is another "fluke" and he thinks there have been too many of these flukes for it not to be - steps in the right direction, but who knows? maybe he has a point... I don't know. I do think both of us are changing and growing in our own ways. Wade is a completely different man, the kind of man I had always wanted to marry, actually the man I assumed I was marrying but was sorely mistaken. He has changed so much, I may not say it enough, but I think about it daily - I am so proud of him, even with setbacks here and there, he manages to push through and even push me through my setbacks. Somehow we always find a way through and make it out stronger, it's just always scary right beforehand. We also listed how the other fits each of the six needs, for the other - that was cute lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Things You Should Know About How Habits Are Formed”, in this episode, *** talks about how habits are formed. Remember, if you're going to achieve excellence in big things, you must first develop proper habits on small matters.

This morning, we decided to have another day date, on the way to the mall we finished listening to "How to Love Louder" an interview with Preston Smiles, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. It was a really good, light-hearted one with a few good lessons along the way. Right after I turned on the Ted Talk with Benjamin Hardy; "The 100 Percent Rule That Will Change Your Life". He breaks down our need to be 100% in decisions we make, how we are not living our best life because we are all facing ‘decision fatigue’. That you need to make sure you are 100 percent into the goal or task you want to create – anything less will eventually become your barriers. Because if there is a little bit of doubt, even 2% - it can cause disruption to your decision-making processes and you will end up falling victim to your environmental situation or peer pressure. He also says don’t set goals for a set amount of time, set them for 'forever', so you don’t eventually fall back into your old ways. A great quote from this talk was one he borrowed from Oliver Wendell Holmes and he said: "a mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions". Which really made me think about all those times Wade has brought up, "now that I've experienced this life [post-recovery], I never would want to go back to my old one"... and it then clicked, so what that quote said and Wade said, made quite a bit of sense to me. We then spent a day date at B&N, sipping on some latte's, munching on some delicious treats and reading our books... taking breaks to chat once in a while. Midway through he received a text from one of his higher-ups at work, which threw us into some fun uncertainty for a few hours. The date was simple yet fun, we both really enjoyed spending our time together, even if it was not doing anything crazy. I guess this falls right into one of Tony Robbin's six human needs, "uncertainty" but in a good way, not like the text from his boss. We just never know where our day will take us anymore before we had a depressing set of certainties we used to live by aka the same old pattern of loneliness, nothingness, and boredom... now we explore the day together and time flies, but we enjoy every moment together. Later in the day, everything got somewhat sorted out with his job, we are going to have to make the best of it.

Today was a good day... other than eating so many carbs, whoever created those Salted Caramel Toffee Cookies at Barnes & Noble cafe obviously works for the Devil! LOL.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt loved and no triggers today.

#Self-Care
How Do Habits REALLY Work?

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 621: 10/12/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not speak, instead, we watched a really funny Dry Comedy special on Amazon Prime. He gave me a nice and soothing foot rub as we watched, we thought it was not going to be too funny, however, it turned out to be a riot - one of the funnier ones we've seen from this series. Then we had a very connecting night afterward.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “15 Powerful Tips That Will Help You Master Self-Discipline”, in this episode, we hear 15 powerful tips that help you master self-discipline. 1) Define a goal worth fighting for, 2) Deconstruct the goal, 3) Make a daily plan that if followed will get you to your goal, 4) Remove temptations or distractions, 5) Prioritize the goal before anything else, 6) Don't wait for it to feel right, 7) Force yourself to do it, 8) Find role-models who inspire you, 9) Schedule breaks, treats & rewards for yourself, 10) Failure - Even for one day - is not an option, 11) Keep track of your progress, 12) Set monthly milestones, 13) Self-analyze your progress, 14) Remove negative habits, and 15) Just keep pushing for 50 days straight. Remember, self-discipline is the magic power that makes you virtually unstoppable.

This morning, we began listening to "The Secret to Fast & Easy Meal Prep To Get Fit" an interview with Kevin “Fit Men Cook” Curry, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Kevin Curry is the man behind Fit Men Cook; a site where he provides healthy recipes for men and women that want to live healthier & active lives. In this episode of Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu, he talks about why bodies are built in the kitchen and sculpted in the gym, how to develop good habits, and the truth about your favorite foods. During this interview they discuss how Fit Men Cook actually started, the importance of a healthy mindset in weight loss, how to tell if someone is open to change, why you can't tell others what to eat, his struggle with depression, why cooking is a form of self-care, the dos, and don'ts of making a dietary change, why the only foods you need to avoid are the processed ones, how to explore different diets without being dogmatic, and how to set real goals. One may think this one wouldn't open up any thought-provoking discussion for us, but it did. We compared Curry's method (amongst some others we've heard) when it came to goal setting, especially when it comes to diet; versus Benjamin Hardy's method of 100 percent only. My take on it is, both a good and valid, but I believe it depends on where you are at in your journey and how much discipline you have overall, which will all for cheat days or breaks (or not). Then he made some points about throwing out scales and why, Wade immediately went "SEE!" because I can't go a day without weighing myself... but for me, there is so much more to it than just weight... the more I think about it, the more I think it makes even more sense to me ... not just for weight matters, but how he feels/sees me AND maybe it even has to do with some parts of nostalgia.

We had a family day at the mall with the little one, it was community day for our mobile game (Pokemon Go) but as usual, it was a Saturday, so there were plenty of triggers there for me. Wade seemed to handle himself okay, as best as I can tell, although I know he had some slips, I even saw some and predicted some (mental notes). We had a good discussion about my triggers over lunch. I made do and tried to manage myself as best as I possibly could, so I could remain mentally present and not revert backward and into snappy mode. When he explains himself on why he no longer cares or has urges to look at them, why he only wants me, it all sounds so good, it really does, I don't know why my brain will not just greenlight what I am hearing and finally move on from these God-forsaken triggers, I am so tired of them. Other than THAT, it was a nice afternoon out as a family.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I managed to fight through a lot of triggers to remain present today.

#Self-Care
15 Steps To Master Self-Discipline

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 622: 10/13/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about our favorite [not ] topic, triggers ... both mine and his [well, 'lack-there-of', so he claims]. He explained his case again to me, why he wants me, how he feels I meet all six of his needs, 10/10 and he has never felt this happy or satisfied, which is why ignoring others hasn't been an issue for him these days and my God it sounds perfect, I just don't know why my gut is nonresponsive still, in neither direction which is what makes it confusing as hell for me. Then we talked about my obsession with having to weigh myself every day, like clockwork, how it is not only a weight thing but also my fears about gaining weight/changing and turning him back towards his addiction and old ways. He said that's not possible, but understands why I feel that way. I also think subconinencly I'm attempting/waiting to get back to a weight where I felt the happiest, the most confident and had my self-esteem intact still, a weight where I was secure. We spoke about this for some time, he thinks if I really look back and think, I'll remember a lot of the red flags I was letting go of back then and my weight didn't make a difference to his addiction, etc. I don't know, I'm just trying to figure out why I have this need to weigh myself, daily.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why It’s Important to Just Get Started”, in this episode, we hear an inspiring message encouraging us to lose our fear of failing and just get started on working toward our most ambitious goals. Remember, you don't have to be great to start, but you do have to start in order to be great.

This morning, we initially did not have any plans other than to go for our usual walk, primarily because we are broke LOL... however, a science museum was running a special mobile exhibit which has activities the older one would enjoy... plus they had Halloween/Fall activities going on too. I mentioned this to Wade, at first he said no, that we can not afford to keep doing these things. I began getting dressed for the walk, then he says that he hates that we can't do this because we just can not keep spending money. So, I gave him my thoughts on it... pretty much that money can be earned and paid back over time... but this time in our kid's life, while they are little, making lifelong memories, and connections while they are still interested in hanging out with us... once it's gone, it's gone. I went into the living room to help our little one with something, then I hear him yelling from the bedroom - I thought he hit his foot or something. He was being overwhelmed with shame, I told him it was fine - not a big deal, we'll make do, etc., but he decided we should just go anyway. Everyone was happy that we went, it was a really good time, the activities were fun and quite random, so a lot got done. From slinging angry birds into pigs, making animation, creating music, visiting an indoor pumpkin patch, maze, petting zoo, and even archery (I impressed everyone aha even myself!). Of course, there were triggers... for the most part, even to my own surprise, some of the women that I thought would have triggered me more -- I didn't seem to have a major reaction to (like before)... I did use my ring to ground myself a few times. Though for the most part, I was having a really good time until... a heavy trigger towards the end, when I wanted to have Wade film me shooting the bow and arrow... I need to pierce myself real good for grounding to begin taking effect.

When we were getting close to home, Wade wanted to make a quick pitstop at a store. Everything was going all right, my triggers from earlier were calming a little... and then when Wade was strapping our little one into her booster, two women [his type] were walking past him to get to their car. His head was in the car and looking at the seat belt, but he still stopped what he was doing and turned to look. That triggered me... he claims he did it out of habit, that he did not slip etc., he would have turned even if it was a man or whatever. Problem is, the minute I saw them because my head was already facing in that direction, I had a feeling he would look and when he did, it was like a checkmark went off for that little voice in my triggered head and then it took me straight down memory lane. I know with 110% certainty that he would have done the same thing before and then had ZERO shame in keeping his head turned that way "ever so slightly" while multitasking with the seat belt until those chicks were gone and he had gotten more than enough ogling done. My mood has been down and off ever since, I want to believe him that he didn't slip, but the mere fact that he was preoccupied and still found the need to turn his head, then look that way - right when they were passing... I couldn't see his eyes, so I really don't know. He has a tendency of getting confused sometimes about whether he really slipped, or if something is a slip or ogle etc sometimes... so who really knows? I don't like all of the bad feelings this particular trigger brought back today... because it wasn't just a case of "PTSD" where I saw the girl and remembered what he would have done in the past, but this trigger gave me a real-life reenactment or replay of what I've witnessed 24/7 for over a decade, and it stirred up a whole host of bad emotions, fears, and thoughts.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No matter the trigger, I was still present with my girls and made sure they had a good time.

#Motivational
START TODAY

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 623: 10/14/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Massages.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about how his actions in the car gave me a bad trigger and why. I wasn't feeling too well, so we spoke a little bit and then went to watch some tv where he gave me a foot rub, which did provide me with some relief. We had another incident later that night about me not enjoying asking him for a massage because it makes me remember the past and feel like I'm being selfish... a lot of guilt associated, anyway, but my head is pounding, so I won't go into it this time, but he knows what I am referring to.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Working Hard Is The Most Important Skill To Have”, in this episode, we're reminded that persistence and working hard are two of the most important character traits you will ever develop. Remember, hard work will always beat talent when talent fails to work hard.

This morning, Wade had PT, we planned to go to the mall after, so I could walk while the little and he played but my severe headache went from bad to worse. I was in and out of bed until my client sent me some work that had to be done. While I was working I listened to "How Five Simple Words Can Get You What You Want" a TedTalk by Janine Driver. She is a Movement Pattern Analysis and CEO of BlueStreak Training, an online virtual communications training company, for individuals and businesses to better their lives through sales, body language, detecting deception, interaction styles, and decision-making programs. She spent more than 16 years as a federal law enforcement officer within the Department of Justice where she learned to quickly size people up. She made some interesting points in this talk, something I'm going to be on the lookout for next time I speak with someone... I'll definitely see if any of them use these terms on me.

We went to the doctors, they told me I had an upper respiratory infection and migraine, yippie. I hope one of the doctor's aids didn't trigger Wade, it seemed like he was acting a little weird.. even the doctor asked him if he needed help.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Surviving/pushing through a lot of pain.

#Motivational
HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 624: 10/15/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, I was really out of it, my head was killing me but we still spoke for a little. We talked about my guilt, triggers and shame around asking him for massages etc and then his feelings and how should he approach me when he is in shame, while I might be upset or triggered. Then we went to watch some TV while he gave me a headache relieving foot rub and it really did help. Then he added a head/neck/back massage, which worked some wonders as well. It felt really good.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “What Is Emotional Intelligence And Why Is It So Important”, in this episode, we hear about emotional intelligence and find out why it's so important. Remember, if you are judging your feelings as good or bad, you will not be able to access the gifts inside of them.

This morning, we finished listening to "The Secret to Fast & Easy Meal Prep To Get Fit" an interview with Kevin “Fit Men Cook” Curry, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Kevin Curry is the man behind Fit Men Cook; a site where he provides healthy recipes for men and women that want to live healthier & active lives. During the rest of this interview, they discussed how to tap into your creativity in the kitchen, why you should focus on not eating processed sugars, does a universal diet exist? the one recipe everyone will like from Kevin's book; which was the Sweet Potato and Chickpea Abundance Bowl, and the one change you need to make to be healthier. By the time we finished it, Wade was stoked because he checked out Kevin's site and noticed a few recipes that sounded great, he picked one "Chimichurri Inspired Chicken & Rice" and got so excited while he was talking about making it, which rubbed off on me, as shitty as I felt, it still got me fired up. I keep telling him, there's something there when it comes to him and cooking, I can't wait to taste what he cooks up tonight.

Overall today was a win for us, even with some minor triggers for me and my sickness.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not sure if it was my illness affecting me, but the usual PTA mom trigger didn't affect me this morning, thankfully.

#Motivational
What is Emotional Intelligence?

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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