Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 585: 9/06/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about the small progress I may have had yesterday, he thinks it is way bigger than I do. I will not go into details, but I did explain it all to him. Then we went inside and finished watching "The Boys" on Amazon Prime while he gave me a wonderful foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Debunking 2 Of The Biggest Misconceptions About Building Habits”, in this episode, *** (channel) debunks the two biggest misconceptions about building habits. Remember, positivity is like a muscle: keep exercising it, and it becomes a habit.

This morning, Wade had to work, so, I walked alone and began the introduction part of my new book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk MD, I'm hooked already. Then as I was just getting into it... my brother calls, I thought it was for some casual small talk while he was driving to work, but towards the end of the call he states "I have a big favor to ask". Anyway... he wants me to co-sign on a car loan or lease for him, I don't want to do it, Wade does not want me to do it. In the past, he ruined my parent's credit and when he first brought it up, my automatic response was to laugh out loud, literally and he responded with "I'm different now, I am good on my payments these days". I don't want to do it, but because he asked, the people pleaser within me has been put into a tailspin. Has he ever done anything for me? no. I still feel guilt and shame coming over me. But, I don't want my credit history destroyed either, Wade and I have plans for stuff and this could jeopardize them if he ruins my credit.

When Wade got home from work, we spoke a little about his slips and notices, what they mean to him and his break down of them. I don't know if we see eye to eye on this... then again, I still don't believe he wants me more than anyone else either, so maybe that's apart of how I feel about it. This whole topic is exhausting to me... I want to believe and get move on from triggers altogether, but no matter how much I try, I just can not get there mentally.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Started a new book, I was never one who enjoyed books before (other than comics) so actually getting through books this year is a big deal for me.

#Self-Care
The 2 Biggest Misconceptions About Building Habits


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 586: 9/07/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, Wade told me how proud he was of me of getting way out of my 'people pleasing' comfort zone and telling my brother "NO", to his favor/ask of me. I have to say it was really difficult for me and normally a task I would have passed onto either Wade or most likely my parents to handle on my behalf. While I was saying no, I felt so much anxiety and shame coming over me, it was very overwhelming. It was made worse when I could hear his asshole wife in the background saying, "yes, yes-no, no!" aka "hurry up and get off the phone if she isn't going to do this for you anyway". I am glad I did it though and it is over with, I really did not want to take on so much risk, with such an unreliable person.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline Training: Why Self-Discipline is so Hard”, in this episode, we get a bit of self-discipline training and some helpful information on why developing it is so hard. Remember, we must all suffer from one of two pains. Either the pain of developing self-discipline or the pain that results from not having done so.

This morning, we continued listening to "Become a Self-Healer and Break Free of Emotional Cycles" an interview with Dr. Nicole LePera, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Dr. Nicole LePera is a Holistic Psychologist who believes that mental wellness is for everyone. She evolved her more traditional training from Cornell University and The New School to one that acknowledges the connection between the mind and body. Dr. LePera founded the Mindful Healing Center in Center City Philadelphia where she works with individuals, couples, and families taking gut health, sleep, movement, cellular health, belief, and mindfulness into treatment. Dr. LePera shares her three steps to creating healthy boundaries and how to break cycles in ourselves. This is a really relatable and good interview for me, personally. As a people pleaser my whole life, it is so difficult for me to set up boundaries with my really invasive parents or anyone for that matter. It took my pain point hitting rock bottom for me to finally say, enough was enough at the peak of Wade's addiction too. They go over various points like, how do we become unstuck, how do we manage the guilt of our family, what “interdependence” means, etc.

Again, today, my mom saw that my head was killing me and my little one was attached at the hip. She said my dad wanted to go out, but otherwise, she would have stayed and let me go lay down. So, I call her to tell to send the older one home, she goes "she can stay, for now, we're not leaving for another two hours". UGH........ whatever.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Almost done with my current work project, happy about that.

#Self-Care
Why Self-Discipline is so Hard


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 587: 9/08/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we skipped our talk because we spoke a lot in the morning. It was too chilly for me out on the balcony, so I waited for him inside. We watched some TV while he gave me a foot rub. There was a triggering scene there for me, big time. He claims it was nothing for him, didn't trigger him and "he tried to not even pay attention" - but I know this kind of woman is his type and her boobs and ass were hanging out, so I just don't believe it. He was looking up quite a few times, even though he knew I was triggered, he could have just waited for the scene to be over to play it safe, but he didn't, which shows me he wanted to catch glimpses of her. He claims he was just trying to keep up with the storyline, but... again, it wasn't a pivotal plot piece, he wasn't going to miss something really important by keeping his eyes off the screen for a minute or three, he knew what was going on, even guessed it before the scene even began. After the scene, he looks at me and tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, of course, I automatically put two and two together, he was trying to suck up to me, after watching that naked chick, so telling me I'm beautiful somehow will make me feel better about it all (which, it never does - ever, just makes it worse). Anyway, after the episode, he gave me a nice back rub and talked a bit, but on my mind was what just occurred and it didn't go away until the next morning.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Be Motivated In Life”, in this episode, Les Brown talks with us about how to be motivated in life. Remember, the success of our efforts depends not so much on the efforts themselves, but rather on our motive for doing them.

This morning, we finished listening to "Become a Self-Healer and Break Free of Emotional Cycles" an interview with Dr. Nicole LePera, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. She is a Holistic Psychologist who believes that mental wellness is for everyone, creating healthy boundaries and freeing yourself from the guilt that is usually associated with it. We had some good back and forths about it. Later on in the day, my mom agitated the shit out of me by, well, doing to me, what she has done to other people many times and I've seen her do it as a kid. She is a notorious people pleaser, so she never-ever says "no" point-blank, she always needs an excuse, a "story" or a "believable lie" in order to say "no" but soften the blow or make herself feel better about it. So, my head has been pounding for the second day in a row, I gave her a call to see if she was home and if she could stop by to sit with the girls for like 45 mins - 1 hour, so I can take a nap. First she says, she says she can't because she is cooking, I said "ok" and then she goes "why don't you wake Wade up a little earlier and you can nap then" and I said, well I don't want to lay down too late because then I won't fall asleep at night. I then said "it's fine" I was about to hang up and she goes, "well, I would but you know I'm cooking so... and daddy's sleeping, so he can't watch the stove for me" meanwhile, in the background I clearly hear my loud father whispering something, so - he isn't sleeping. They were probably watching TV and didn't want to stop and do me a favor; God forbid I ever did the same. They just waltz into my apartment when they want, throw 'tasks' my way without asking if I have time to do them, always assuming I have to drop everything and help them with all of their never-ending needs. Anyhow, instead of being honest about it and just saying "we're in the middle of something, I can't, I'm sorry", she choose to come up with one bullshit excuse/lie - after another. It's really frustrating and annoying, I wanted to end with "oh and by the way, I hear he isn't sleeping", but instead of dropping to that level, I tried to calm myself and just said "forget it, bye" and hung up.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't let my anger, over being so obviously lied to get the best of me, brushed it off my shoulders quickly and moved on.

#Motivational
Les Brown | CONTROL!


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 588: 9/09/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about my parents, everything I wrote about in my journal (yesterday's post). He is just as frustrated as I am with their lack of 'care' for boundaries. Then we watched some TV as he gave me a really nice foot rub. Then he stopped the show and wanted to lay in bed and cuddle a little before leaving for work. We spoke about an earlier incident with our eldest daughter, his reaction to her and hers to him, how they are very similar and end up blowing up... I tried to mediate and then explain to him my thoughts on the whole thing.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Think Differently”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe and John Maxwell remind us that in order for life to be different we must learn to think differently. Remember, if you want your life to be different, you must learn to think differently.

This morning, Wade had to work, so, I walked alone and listened to some of my new book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk MD, my current best takeaway? "Research has revealed that trauma produces actual physiological changes, including a recalibration of the brain's alarm system. An increase in stress hormone activity and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrelevant information. We now know that trauma compromises the brain area the communicates the physical imbodied feeling of being alive. These changes explained why traumatized individuals become hyper-vigilant to threat, at the expense of spontaneously engaging in their day to day lives." Then I switched to some music to finish off my walk.

Now, I'm waiting for everyone to come home, so the insanity can begin LOL

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy for a trigger free walk.

#Motivational
Become a Self-Healer and Break Free of Emotional Cycles


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 589: 9/10/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Quick and efficient Supermarket run.
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Last night, we talked about various stuff, our days and how we're feeling. Then we went over some meal plan ideas for the week. Afterward, he gave me a foot rub while we watched TV and then finished off with some... intimate cuddling before he had to leave for work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Reprogramming The Subconscious Mind While Sleeping”, in this episode, we get some very helpful tips on how to improve our lot in life by reprogramming the subconscious mind while sleeping. Remember, you are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be.

This morning, it was raining, so after dropping the kids off at school I went home to wait for Wade, so we can go for our weekly grocery run. While I waited, I watched (and took notes!) "Clean Keto on a Budget - Target Grocery Haul" by Thomas DeLauer. I loved his Costco haul video too, it is very helpful, even if you aren't doing strictly keto, like us, but he teaches you what the healthiest options are overall and how to read nutritional labels properly. At the supermarket, there were no triggers for me, but there was a trigger by Dunkin' Donuts, he claims he doesn't know what or whom I am talking about, that he did not see anyone in the store, but who knows. I'm so tired of these triggers...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finished my Target on Keto reference list.

#Relationships
This Is The #1 Reason Couples Break Up | Russell Brand


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 590: 9/11/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke about something that was bothering Wade. He didn't like how I reacted to him being late, and not informing me about it. He believes that I overreacted, he ended up going into shame etc., but I explained to him my position. How that behavior reminds me of how he was for so many years with me and I told him that my reach was rather timid compared to what was also firing off in my head. We talked it out and felt better about it all. Then our eldest came out and sat with us, we spent a good 30 minutes talking to her about random topics and it was nice, she actually enjoyed it and proclaimed "talking to you guys is way better than watching TV".

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Leadership Development Is Important”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe talks about why leadership development is important. Remember, what you believe about yourself determines the way you think about yourself. And what you think about yourself determines the way you behave.

This morning, we listened to "Creating a Passion-Driven Business and Life" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. This is an oldie, but a goodie from 2015, worth the listen. Wade and I love both Tom and Lewis, so this interview was a pleasant treat for us. Tom shares his experience building a multi-million dollar company in such a short time by aligning passion with business and investing in self-awareness. Throughout the interview, we paused multiple times and had some deep and long conversations, including the fact that we married for the wrong reasons and we were both ill-prepared and not emotionally equipt for it. We spoke about changing your perspective if you can not change your situation, environment or job. Overall we had a great walk and talk, with minimal triggers.

Tonight our friends are coming over for some burgers, drinks and board gaming. I hope, hope, hope Wade does not get drunk/sloppy and this will not end up being a triggering night for me... with the shit he might say.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Emotionally easy day, thus far.

#Health
Clean Keto on a Budget - Target Grocery Haul


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 591: 9/12/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we had our friends over, so we weren't able to talk much. We did have a little time though and just reflected how we had a good, laid back time with our friends. That is was easy, we chatted, ate, played a board game and Wade did not get drunk and he did not do or say anything 'triggering', it was a truly pleasant time, we both agreed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Failure Is Necessary For You To Succeed”, in this episode, we're reminded why failure is necessary for you to succeed. Remember, fail early, fail often, fail forward.

This morning, Wade had to go to PT, so, I walked alone and listened to some of my new book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk MD, my current best takeaway? "There are many different forms of treatment [for trauma], from medications to talking, yoga, EMDR, theater, and neurofeedback. The challenge is, how can people gain control over the residues of past trauma and return to being masters of their own ship. Talking, understanding and human connections help. And drugs can dampen hyperactive alarm systems. But we will also see that the imprints from the past can be transformed by having physical experiences that directly contradict the helplessness, rage, and collapse that are apart of trauma, thereby regaining self-mastery." Then I switched to some music to finish off my walk, as I waited for Wade to pick me up.

After we made a pitstop at Costco, no major triggers there, we got home and just did nothing - ate and watched tv in silence, as the girls were in school. Then I had a doctors appointment and pretty much the rest of the day has been 'chill'.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trigger free walk, it was pleasant.

#Motivational
FAILURE


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 592: 9/13/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Meeting with the lender.
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Last night, we talked about various topics again and then I told him about some videos that I had been watching. He asked for me to play one, it was "The Porn Paradox" a Ted Talk featuring Megan Johnson. It was very informative about the industry and how everything is connected, like trafficking young girls -- straight to the end-user of porn. Megan Johnson is an influencer, a mother, a wife, and an agent for activism without borders. Full disclosure some of the words and descriptions she uses in this talk could be triggering for some.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Growing Forward: How To Let Go Of Past Hurts”, in this episode, we get some excellent tips and advice on how to let go of past hurts so that we can grow forward. Remember,

This morning, we listened to "Escaping Porn Addiction" a Ted Talk by Eli Nash. Eli Nash is the CEO of JEG & Sons Inc. and the Co-Founder of MicDrop. Eli founded JEG & Sons in 2006 to bring no contract and unlocked phones to US e-tailers and retailers. Under his guidance, JEG grew from a startup to over $200M in revenue. He was also a porn addict, in this Ted Talk he wants to destigmatize the shame and fear surrounding porn addiction, he believes that sharing our hardships moves us through shame and into healing. Then we spent the entire day running errands, we stopped by our mortgage broker to find out if we should refinance and he was actually honest with us, explained everything and even told us that right now, refinancing is not in our best interest. I was pleasantly surprised by his honesty, so was Wade and although we walked out of that meeting without refinancing, we learned a whole lot.

Then we got home and Wade made me a yummy meal, we watched some TV and had a lazy day at home. It was nice and peaceful.


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had an easy/pleasant day of running errands with Wade.

#Addiction
Escaping Porn Addiction


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 593: 9/14/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) YouTube.
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Last night, we spoke about random topics, but most of all we reflected on how the last two days have been rather calm/peaceful. I told him "you know what that means" and he said, "oh stop it, that's not true". I am always under the assumption that if things are too good or too calm, something will pop up to cause a shitstorm.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Become More Disciplined and Focused”, in this episode, we get several helpful tips on how to become more disciplined and focused. Remember, real discipline equals real freedom.

This morning, before Wade left for his doctor's appointment, we listened to "Change Your Closet, Change Your Life" a Ted Ex with Gillian Dunn. Where she goes over how we live in abundance but suffer from a scarcity mindset. This talk was born out of a candle melting in the closet before the chance of being lit and sent Gillian on a journey of discovering why. This talk takes you through why we, as humans, stockpile stuff, the mindsets that drive this action, and why it is imperative that we change before it's too late. Gillian utilizes research, personal experience and stories from the Emergency Department to remind us that we must choose every day what kind of life we want to live. Gillian Dunn works as a Registered Nurse in the Emergency Department. She loves the fast pace, interacting with people from all walks of life, and putting structure and organization into an environment that is often chaos. She often receives two responses when she tells people she works in the Emergency “I could never do that!” and “Oh man, one time I was in emerg and...” She is very interested in a simple and intentional life. In the last year, she has really tried to simplify her life so that she has time for the things she enjoys and wants to focus on. This has left more room for learning, growing and challenging herself. She believes it’s the little things in life that turn out to be big in the end, and she is trying to focus on those little things.

My during my walk, I listened to an awesome talk by Tony Robbins and his wife about relationships. It was called "Why Relationships Are So Hard" and how he speaks, what he says - it just makes so much sense. @Wade W. Wilson and I have been trying to live like this, ever since the recovery began and it has been proven to be the right way to live in a relationship in order for both partners to feel loved and heard. There were a few triggers on the trail, so in these instances, I am actually glad I was alone, without Wade - you know, too much eye candy, so better safe than sorry.

We initially had plans to go to a local festival, but the weather was weird, too chilly, drizzle and cold, so we opted to just stay home. The day did not go to waste though, we started the big elephant task of cleaning out my closet, what to keep, pass on to my daughter or donate. I really appreciated Wade's help with this, he didn't have to but did and it makes it go quicker and his decisiveness helps my hoarding tendencies lol.

Then we had a mini-BBQ with the kids and watched Hotel Transylvania 3.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got rid of a lot of "it's okay" dresses, that I normally would have kept in my closet, unworn forever.

#Motivational
4 Ways to Become More Disciplined


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 594: 9/15/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about two of the videos he watched. They were both ones I recommended to him, first we discussed "Let’s Talk Porn | Maria Ahlin | TEDxGöteborg", in addition to being a public speaker, author, and educator Maria is an expert on issues concerning pornography and sex-buying she has given more than 400 public talks. In this Ted Talk, she goes into ** graphic ** (AND TRIGGERING) details about different types of P and what it does to both the users and how the users create a 'supply and demand' chain for the multibillion-dollar P industry. Wade told me that this video, some of her descriptions of P did trigger him in a way, but it did not give him an urge to go and PM. He said some of the type of P she named, triggered him to remember stuff he would watch and how much he enjoyed it at the time. Then he told me how much he (and I did too) enjoyed "Better Intimacy For Her, Better Sex For Him & Vice Versa | Amy Color | TEDxStanleyPark", in this video, Amy an Intimacy Therapy Coach, international trainer, clinical supervisor, defines the science and sound of intimacy. She’s created practical solutions based on decades of research with proven results. She shares her recipes for physical and emotional intimacy that foster deep secure connection in a respectful and entertaining way. It really was a fun and informational video to watch, Wade and I agree with many of her points, we've seen significant differences ever since building our intimacy. Then we went inside to watch some TV, he gave me a nice foot rub too.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Steve Harvey Talks About His Life Before The Steve Harvey Morning Show”, in this episode, Steve Harvey gives his own compelling testimony on his struggles before the success of the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Remember, if you don't go after what you want, don't be surprised when you don't get it.

This morning, we started listening to "How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth" an interview with Kyle Cease, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Kyle Cease is a New York Times best-selling author with two #1 Comedy Central specials to his credit. He has been a guest speaker at thousands of colleges, summits, and Fortune 500 conferences and has made over 100 TV and movie appearances. Kyle teaches that most of our “triggers” are fears we have based on old stories. Once we dig deep to figure out where those are rooted, we can stop letting them control us. I had a few takeaways so far, but one of the most relatable ones was when he said this at around 50 minutes: "the only things it that causes fear is you not wanting it to be there if you're loved fear it can't last bring it on because fear is your resistance to yourself ah that's big so it's only the factor so it's not that you're in fear it's that we are trying to get rid of it it's that we're trying to change it it's that we think it shouldn't be there but life is so cool that it's trying to get you to learn to love more unconditionally to even create a capacity to even love that fear which you have."

We went to the mall for a Pokemon Go community day event, some minor triggers were there (it's a Sunday after all). I spent most of my time talking to our eldest daughter about the insane temper tantrum she threw in the morning, I am hoping something got through to her, but I doubt it. Wade, went to the indoor playground with the little one. We met up after for lunch and had some good family time there. Overall it was a good day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got over some minor triggers fast, was able to enjoy the day without my mood being completely ruined.

#Relationships
Tony Robbins: Why Relationships Are So Hard


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 595: 9/16/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about our daughter and her tantrums, discussing what happened with her earlier in the day and sharing our thoughts on it and what to do in the future. We talked about some various topics mixed in with that as well. Then we went inside to watch some TV while he gave me a nice foot rub. Before bed he also gave me a backrub, it felt so good and relieved a lot of pain I've been having, it's been quite a while since the last one, so there was a lot of tension released and that felt great.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Success Is Knowing Your Purpose In Life”, in this episode, we hear about why success is knowing your purpose in life. Remember, if you know your "why", you can endure just about anything.

This morning, we finished listening to "How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth" an interview with Kyle Cease, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Kyle Cease is a New York Times best-selling author with two #1 Comedy Central specials to his credit. Now he spends all of his time helping to motivate others all around the world. In finishing this great (and long) interview, Kyle continued to make very good points, which opened up a lot of conversation with Wade and myself. The most important takeaway was his biggest point "you're only stressed because your mind can measure what you will lose, but can't see what you'll gain". Afterward, we went for our weekly supermarket run.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trigger free day!

#Relationships
Better Intimacy For Her, Better Sex For Him & Vice Versa


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 596: 9/17/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about various topics and how the last two days have been good days for us. Then I don't remember how, we began talking about my fears/anxiety for some upcoming events, like the cruise, etc. Then we went into a whole talk about triggers and how I don't think I will ever be in a place where I can stay somewhere, with one of "them" present and my mind not automatically getting triggered into the worst thoughts... "I will never ever be what he truly desires" or the nonstop thoughts of "yeah, there she is... I bet deep down, he wants to look at her, he's prob trying really difficult to not look, he is forcing himself to focus on me just to avoid drama later" -- he believes I'm getting better and that my recent 'glitches' are actually not 'glitches' but progress, but unfortunately, I don't. Heck, I hope he is right and at some point, these triggers will go away or become insignificant, but something tells me they are here to stay. I wish for his beliefs to come to pass because living like this, with these constant painful reminders of not being enough for him are killing me, I want them gone, I want true peace and happiness.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Elevate Your Life And Become Limitless”, in this episode, Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about how to become limitless. Remember, you are the sum total of all of the choices you've made up until now.

This morning, before we left the house, we started listening to "Making Marriage Work" with Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. He is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction and has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. In this video, Dr. Gottman outlines the findings, tools, and techniques that have helped thousands of couples from around the world build a “Sound Relationship House,” the science behind happy relationships! So far, we got to his simple equation/explanation on how he and many can predict which marriages will work and which will end up in divorce. How? he uses a simple formulation, 5 to 1, if there are 5 times more positives in an argument and only 1 negative - it will work out, if it's in reverse, the relationship will fail. I can not wait to listen to the rest of this. Then I walked by myself and listened to a remarkable story of going from victim to victor, while Wade did some fishing. I listened to an Impact Theory episode, "No Matter How Broken You Are, He Explains How to Get Whole". In this one, Tom Bilyeu interviewed Nick Santonastasso, who was born with no legs and one arm and he absolutely refuses to make excuses. He became a varsity wrestler, a social media sensation, and wrote the book that perfectly describes his mindset, “Victim to Victor.” For him, it's your mindset that makes you disabled and nothing else. Here, Nick talks about how his parents raised him, about being in full victim-mode in middle and high school, he explains how his mindset became his superpower, how failure and getting beat up helped him out, he describes why the biggest disability is a bad mindset, and how his value system has changed. Best quote: “People can see me on the street and be like, ‘Wow, look how disabled that guy is.’ And I’m like, pfft. Have you seen your mindset? Have you seen the way you operate? Have you seen the way you react to situations, that you’re pissed off in traffic? You think the world happens TO you. I’m not disabled. You’re handicapped.” It was a fascinating interview/story, truly inspirational.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers on the trail, calm walk!

#Motivational
How To Attract Wealth and Believe In Your Worth


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 597: 9/18/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about my parents, again. How I understand them and how their minds/opinions work and are formed, based on the many years of being around them. We spent the entire time talking about a conversation we had with my mom earlier in the day, where she admitted my dad was upset with us etc. Then we went inside and watched "The 100" as he gave me a lovely foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why You Must Never Settle For Mediocrity In Your Life”, in this episode, we're reminded by Joel Osteen and Les Brown why we must never settle for mediocrity. Remember, in this life, you get what you settle for.

This morning, Wade had a doctors appointment, so I walked alone. During my walk, I listened to "11 Risk Factors That Destroy Your Brain" an interview with Dr. Daniel Amen, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Dr. Daniel Amen is a double board-certified psychiatrist and nine-time New York Times bestselling author. He talks about how to deal with negative thoughts, keeping your brain healthy, and assessing your brain type. During this interview, Dr. Amen explains how to make a good brain great, how to stop automatic negative thoughts [05:54] and the 5 questions to ask yourself when you're feeling anxious [09:16]. He also discusses techniques to calm anxiety, how you can start improving your brain health, everything you're probably doing that's destroying your brain, the foods you should and shouldn't be eating for your brain, the ideal lifestyle and dietary factors that will improve your brain, the importance of flooding all your senses with happiness. I feel like I learned a lot from this interview and will really try and incorporate some of his methods, like the 5 questions one, pre-triggers or anxieties, if my brain allows it.

Wade got another two weeks off, I'm so happy about that, we get to spend more time together.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The third day in a row, minimal triggers, phew!

#Motivational
DON'T ACCEPT MEDIOCRITY


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 598: 9/19/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about a story that he read in his book, "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)" by Brené Brown. It was a story about how you should never assume anything, about anyone because someone may give off the appearance of "perfect" but in reality, they are far from it. In fact, their entire life could be falling apart. It also dove into the shame of feeling ashamed and boy, do I know that feeling - very well. I am so happy that Wade is so invested and into this book, pre-recovery he wouldn't have even considered reading a summary, let alone the entire book. It really is amazing how much someone can change (if they want to) and in less than a year, it's so surreal, all of it. After that, we want in and began watching Stranger Things season 3. Then we cuddled in bed a little, before dozing off. Nights like this just make me so happy, I never thought I could feel this way with Wade. I still feel happier with the Wade of today, even when triggered, than I ever did pre-recovery, it's amazing and surprising for me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Rules To Live By For A Happy Life”, in this episode, Oprah Winfrey gives us her rules to live by for a happy life. Her rules? 1. Know who you are, 2. Be a warrior of the light, 3. Know your strengths, 4. Earn success, 5. Have good intentions, 6. Love your audience, 7. Just be yourself, 8. Align yourself with your dream, 9. Create a meaningful life, 10. Have fun and 11. BONUS - Put out positive energy. Remember, we cannot adjust the wind, but we can adjust the sail.

This morning, Wade had PT, and I was feeling under the weather, instead of walking in the cold I waited for him to be done and then we drove down to the mall for our walk. We finished listening to "Making Marriage Work" with Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction and has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. Other than the positive/negative ratio, he also went over a metaphor/concept that served as a good predictor of divorce. He calls it "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which is a metaphor he uses to describe communication styles that, according to his research, can predict the end of a relationship. 1. Criticism, 2. Contempt, 3. Defensiveness and 4. Stonewalling - he has a really good breakdown on his website here, for those that are interested. Afterward, we had some lunch where we discussed our own relationship and how different communication is for us these days, well, we never really had it at all before lol. However, now, even if we know for certain that the other will get pissed if we tell them "___", we still do it, because both of us know that eventually, the anger will pass, we'll talk it out, work it out and move on - without either of us holding onto any resentment over keeping it inside. On the car ride home, we continued our talk, which was about the concept of trusting him but just not about other women. He thinks I can't have it both ways, but believes that through his consistency and honesty, I will eventually get to the point of believing him on this too.

Then we spent some time relaxing at home before the kids get home. It was a nice day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had a very good talk about communication with Wade (ironic, I know)!

#Motivational
"ALIGN Yourself With Your DREAM!" | Oprah Winfrey


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 599: 9/20/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, it was way too cold for me to sit out while he smoked, so he went out himself and I spoke with our daughter a little before she had to go to sleep. Then he wanted to brush my hair and I love when he does it, it's cute and out of character from how he use to, well, just not care about these little things. Then he spent the entire time cleaning my brush, which I really appreciated too. Afterward, we cuddled and then went to bed, with literal smiles on our faces.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Inspiring Message on the Power of Self Discipline”, in this episode, an inspiring message on the incredible power of self-discipline. Remember, nothing will be different until we think differently.

This morning, before our walk we listened to a Tony Robbin's relationship soundbite, to which we both agreed that his points were so correct and true. Then during our walk, I relistened to "11 Risk Factors That Destroy Your Brain" with Wade, because he wanted to hear it. This was an interview with Dr. Daniel Amen, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Dr. Daniel Amen is a psychiatrist and nine-time bestselling author. He talks about how to deal with negative thoughts, keeping your brain healthy, and assessing your brain type. During this interview, Dr. Amen explains how to make a good brain great, how to stop automatic negative thoughts [05:54] and the 5 questions to ask yourself when you're feeling anxious [09:16]. He also discusses techniques to calm anxiety, how you can start improving your brain health, everything you're probably doing that's destroying your brain, the foods you should and shouldn't be eating for your brain, the ideal lifestyle and dietary factors that will improve your brain, the importance of flooding all your senses with happiness. We both feel like we learned a lot from this interview and I have started and will continue to try and incorporate some of his methods, like the 5 questions one, pre-triggers or anxieties, if/when my brain allows it.

Then we ran an errand at Costco, of course, there were triggers there, it never stops. I was able to move past them and we ended up having a pretty good day, where we got a lot of stuff done and even had time for a lunch date. Both of us were in good spirits the whole day, it was nice.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My hair felt so soft and looked like a million bucks!

#Motivational
MORNING MOTIVATION - Discipline Yourself!!!


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 600: 9/21/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Day 600 of recovery, time is surely flying, congrats @Wade W. Wilson.

Last night, our building had a 'meet your neighbors' get-together and at first, we were the only young ones there and that made me awkward, like a seniors bingo night and bam, here we are, but playing cards with Wade did distract me from that. A bit later, our annoying downstairs neighbor came and oddly enough we found a good topic of conversation and spoke for a bit. Then, out of nowhere, of all the people between all three of our building's... the prime neighbor shows up... in all her glory, big ass in super tight jeans and all. This is the same chick that Wade had described as "hot" just a few weeks ago. He claims he "felt nothing, no trigger or urges to look", but he was acting weird. He told me it was because he was worried about where my head was at and how I was feeling. Anyway, I wasn't feeling good after she popped up, to say the least, but when I saw her butter face, it did throw me off a bit, err... a face only a mother could love. Which explains why she dresses the way that she does, gotta get attention somehow. None-the-less, still a prime, still a big trigger... because Wade never cared much about the faces, just concentrated on his love for the body type of his dreams - you know, not mine.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Recognize Signs From The Universe”, in this episode, Jack Canfield talks about recognizing when you're getting signs from the universe. Remember, there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is.

This morning, we listened to "How to Reinvent Yourself and Create the Future" an interview with James Altucher, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. James Altucher is an entrepreneur, bestselling author, and podcaster. He has founded or cofounded more than 20 companies and in this interview, he really tries to make a point that life is easier and better if you are a minimalist. He talks about how to make the most money from self-publishing your book, how he re-invented himself and what his formula is; for reinventing yourself, he explains why and how he sold all of his possessions and decided to become homeless, how to deal with a bad day and why you shouldn’t think about what’s missing in your life. This wasn't the best interview in my opinion, but it did open up a lot of good talking points for Wade and myself. Then when we were pulling into our building's parking lot, a trigger with a huge ass was walking by, Wade did he best to keep turning his head towards me, I guess to avoid staring at her, but there where little kids roaming around and I found what he was doing unsafe, he could have hit a kid. It was frustrating, to say the least.

Then we had a family day at our kid's school, there were various activities for the kids and some food, etc it was a reason to collect money for the PTA. There were a few trigger's there, good thing I had my grounding ring. I was managing them as best as I could, but then Wade noticed me fidgeting with my ring and asked if I am doing it for fun or if I'm doing it because I am triggered. I told him "yes, I'm triggered". One of the PTA mom's he would go out of his way to ogle was in my line of sight, then there was another 'prime' that was roaming around where our little one was playing, just to name a few. Then instead of just letting me be, he kept questioning it...questioning me "... but I don't see anyone" "there's no one here" and repeating those few [similiar] phrases over and over again, making me feel 1) invalidated, as if I was making up the triggers and 2) just being annoying about it and not dropping it (you know taking my word for it, since I was the one affected after all). I snapped, I said "do you want me to go and point her/them out? do you want me to grab your hand and walk you over to them, so you have proof? maybe let you slap her ass to you know, confirm she's a trigger/prime??" like what the hell did he want to accomplish by questioning it so much? I already didn't buy that he didn't "notice anyone". Anyhow, that killed my mood for the rest of the day and the stress has also caused me to breakout, ugh.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't completely lose my shit in front of everyone, held myself together as best as I possibly could.

#Motivational
Pay Attention to the Signs of the Universe


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 601: 9/22/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked triggers, reality setting in and how it's impossible for him to suddenly feel a certain way when it comes to his preferences. I just don't buy into it, yeah I get the whole brain on porn thing and coming off of it causing some changes in physical preferences, but not this drastic, at least not in my opinion. We'll have to just agree to disagree, I just don't know how sustainable it is, when it comes to certainty on my end...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Unlock Your Hidden Powers”, in this episode, we listen in as Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how to unlock your hidden powers. Remember, you can learn and change in a state of suffering, or you can learn and change in a state of joy and inspiration. The choice is yours.

This morning, Wade and I began listening to a Tony Robbins video but were interrupted many times. It did open up an interesting values conversation, but I will post about all that when we finish the video later on. Then, my parents stopped by to sit with the girls, however, my dad announced that he decided to go fishing with Wade... umm whatever, I ended up walking alone, while they fished. My back was killing me from last night, but because of this 'out of the blue fishing excursion', I had to walk way more than I initially intended; which is normally fine with me, but not when I'm in this much pain and it was getting humid too. While I walked, there were a bunch of triggers... some pretty big ones and I bet when I got radio silence from Wade for some time - it was because he had other distractions (which he denies of course). While I walked I listened to a different Tony Robbins video, "How To Create The Perfect Relationship", it was almost an hour long and from one of his live shows. He somehow got a depressed woman, to realize how quickly this woman can snap in and out of depression and what that really means when we discover that everything we do... is because of one or all of the basic human needs (he lists six of them). How he unwinded her was remarkable. After my walk, I sat by our car, alone with my thoughts... I didn't hear anything from Wade for a while, which got me more and more triggered, just imagining how he was probably too busy with all those 'pretty distractions'.

I was set off for most of the morning, but after going to the playground with the kids, then having an early dinner together my trigger subsided a bit because of all of the distractions.

I am so tired of these triggers and I know Wade is too, but I can not do anything about them, I am filled to the brim with so much uncertainty, doubt, and fear.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Tried to ease my earlier trigger in order to enjoy some family time today, without being irritable and snapping.

#Motivational
How to Unlock the Full Potential of Your Mind | Dr. Joe Dispenza


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 602: 9/23/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about my morning trigger and he wondered why I got THAT triggered, worse than I have in recent months. I explained that it could have been various factors, like the fact that I was in pain, tired and sitting there, waiting for a while (alone with my thoughts)... just watching those women running by and assuming why he went radio silent after messaging with me for some time prior to that. We discussed all of it and how I believe I'm never going to be his true 'prime' aka preference, especially because his ogling preferences typically didn't have a gut, which after two kids/two c-sections... it's something I just can not change. He claims not to care, but his past actions prove otherwise.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why It’s Impossible to Win Playing The Blame Game”, in this episode, we learn why it is impossible to win by playing the blame game. Remember, when you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.

This morning, Wade and I listened to "Are you with the right person? " a clip from Tony Robbin's podcast. Where he dives into what makes a good and sustainable relationship with a partner, most of all it is what your top two values are and if they match your partners or not. While we walked we began listening to another Tony Robbins video, "How To Create The Perfect Relationship", the one I listened to myself yesterday. Where Tony was able to get a depressed woman to see how easily she could snap in and out of depression and what that really means when we discover that everything we do... is because of one or all of the basic human needs (1. Certainty, 2. Uncertainty/Variety, 3. Significance, 4. Connection/Love, 5. Growth and 6. Contribution). We stopped after 2 because Certainty/Uncertainty is a huge issue/trigger. Wade was referring back to the brain doctor we listened to a few days ago and asking me about yesterdays triggers, trying to decipher facts versus the story he says I've told myself. It was good and thought-provoking for us both.

When we got home we continued our 24-hour liquid fast/reset and the broth was yummy, but throughout the day all I could think about was eating LOL. I got an e-mail AD from Olive Garden and all I could think about was their garlic bread and delicious salad!!! so we decided that after picking up the girls from school... to go to Olive Garden to end this fast... "in good fashion" LMAO. We are horrible, I know but omg I wanted that damn bread. Of course, at Olive Garden there were some triggers, I can't seem to go anywhere without them. Good thing I remembered to bring my ring because it did help ground me a bit, even if 50-60% of the time I was thinking... "I wonder what he is imagining right now... whom he is thinking about... after seeing them all". But aside from that... the meal was delicious!!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I feel accomplished for finishing that 24-fast.

#Motivational
Do this for 90 days and watch your life change


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 603: 9/24/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Quality Time with Wade.
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Last night, we talked about (continued) the conversation we had in the morning about uncertainty and my huge issues with well... uncertainty. I don't want to repeat the same thing all over again, but it was pretty much all that/triggers.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “3 Common Thinking Errors and How to Stop Making Them”, in this episode, we learn 3 of the most common thinking errors and how to stop making them. Remember, if you don't like something change it - if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. (Wade's favorite new motto!) ...

This morning, Wade had a doctors appointment and I went with him... on the way there we finished listening to the Tony Robbins video, "How To Create The Perfect Relationship". The conversation in launched the day before and continued into today was good and thought-provoking for us both. We ended up spending over 2.5 hours at the doctors, great health care system we have here, sigh. At least we were together and talked about random stuff the whole time. Then in the afternoon we really enjoyed each other's company, more than once. It was a nice trigger-free day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Went for it... twice, haha.

#Motivational
3 Common Thinking Errors and How to Stop Making Them


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 604: 9/25/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke about uncertainty and how I hate it, also how he has really gotten into the "contribution" need without even realizing it through recovery. How his story now helps so many others, without him doing much, other than journaling and sharing his progress and setbacks. Then our eldest came out for a bit and we talked together, it was nice.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Create Your Own Reality: It’s What Successful People Do”, in this episode, Isaac Lidsky explains how you create your own reality. Remember, reality isn't something you perceive; it's something you create in your mind.

This morning, we listened to another Tony Robbins video "Advice and Feeling Loved", it wasn't long but it was informative as usual. He went over the 6 keys to have a good and healthy relationship. They were 1. Create aliveness, 2. Find more passion, 3. Change your story, 4. Speak up "speak the unspoken", 5. Master Emotions, 6. Change the state. I am happy to say that these days, all his points - Wade and I can both agree that post-recovery/healing ... we've been living them, and I hope others can create their ideal relationship too, even after so much trauma and betrayal, it's not easy - but it is so worth it. Then on the way to the mall and during our walk, we listened to "Former Drug Addict Explains How to Completely Turn Your Life Around" an interview with Doug Bopst on Impact Theory. He explains how someone can rebuild from the depths of failure, self-inflicted harm, and feelings of worthlessness. He knows all about hitting rock bottom, but sitting in jail, as a miserable addict, who was overweight and locked in a victim mindset, he found a mentor in a cellmate who got him into fitness. His story was very inspiring [even though it wasn't a PA, it was still an addiction/addict mentality he was struggling with] and it gave Wade and I a lot of talk about and even to relate to. Afterward, Wade got into this whole thing about me training myself with being comfortable with uncertainty, by me not weighing myself every day to see if the numbers have gone up or down. He was quite annoying about it... I told him I would think about it, I mean but honestly, why would I purposely want to torture myself? makes no sense but he thinks it is somehow related. I'll consider it, maybe. Anyhow, our entire morning together was good and I felt so connected to Wade... that I even "slipped" and slapped his ass... in public! haha.

Later today we have to go to our little's one's meet the teacher event at the school... I hope I won't bump into anyone there... aka primes that trigger the crap out of me... because so far today has been a good day...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Slapped Wade's ass... in public, definitely out of the box behavior for me.

#Motivational
Isaac Lidsky - What reality are you creating for yourself?


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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