Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Hey, I responded to this on Discord ;-)

 

DAY 568: 8/20/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about how nice it was having the extra time together when we normally would not have had it. Then we talk a little bit about recovery/triggers and various topics. Afterward, we went inside and continued watching Handmaidens Tale while he gave me a nice foot rub, then it was off to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Achieve Your Dreams In Life”, in this episode, we hear a very inspiring message on how to achieve your dreams in life. 7 habits to stop doing if you want to achieve your dream goal; 1. Stop procrastinating, 2. Stop focusing on the future, 3. Stop racing after multiple goals, 4. Stop perfectionism, 5. Stop being in your head, 6. Stop stuffing the schedule and 7. How to Achieve Your Dreams In Life: Stop focusing on the past. Remember, start where you are, use what you have. Do what you can.

This morning, we finished listening to "How to Become Decisive In the Face of Paralyzing Fear" an interview with Colin O'Brady, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Colin explained what inspires him to take extreme risks, the connection between being an artist and an athlete, how his self-narrative kept him going, his relationship to fear, how he defines the most important skill he needed to cross Antarctica alone, why he doesn’t have a negative interpretation of his experiences, illustrating his own competitive drive and how he cultivates it, and describes his conception of death.

Then we ran an errand at Costco, there weren't any major triggers there for me, luckily it was pretty empty. On the way there and while we walked around, we spoke about my thoughts about his breakdown and perceptions of 'slips', what I still consider to be objectification and he told me how he feels about me and how it different than anything he has ever felt for anyone else. I want to believe him, so badly, something inside me is stopping me, it's holding me back and I just can not buy what he is essentially selling. I can't buy that he can prefer me to them when all these years he preferred them to me, even when I want to believe it! because when he describes how he feels about me, it sounds so good and exactly what I want to hear and want out of a man. I am not naive to believe that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and I don't expect him to abide by that theory either. He knows he is not the hottest man to walk this Earth either. However, what I do expect is to FEEL (through his actions and what he says to me) that no matter who is around us, to HIM I am the most beautiful woman in the world. So far, so of the stuff, he has said when describing other women or how he 'still wants me no matter who he's looking at', eh... dunno.

Anyway, he left for a doctors appointment and I'm here stuck with the kids. They are driving me insane, school can not start quick enough.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Barely any triggers today.

#Motivational
This is how to achieve all your dreams


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 569: 8/21/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about the same sore subjects that have been stuck to me, us - like glue. He sees it his way, I see it my way. Then we went inside and finished the 3rd season of The Handmaidens Tale, can not wait for season 4!

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Discover Your Purpose”, in this episode, we have audio of Myles Munroe speaking on how to discover your purpose and activate your greatness. Remember, a gift can never be learned. It can only be refined.

This morning, Wade had to go to an impromptu doctors appointment at work, during my walk, I listened to some more of my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong". The most notable takeaway was "Regret is one of the most powerful emotional reminders that change and growth are necessary. In fact, I've come to believe that regret is kind of a packaged deal, it's a function of empathy, it's a call to courage and a path towards wisdom. Like all emotions, regret can be constructively or destructively. But the wholesale dismissal of regret is wrongheaded and dangerous. That saying "no regrets" doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life". During my walk, the was in influx of triggers there, like never before. Aside from the usual runner here or there, also, there was a group of twenty or more college co-eds in skin-tight, barely-there bras and short-shorts/yoga pants. He sent me a message telling me he missed me and wishes he was there, I've triggered to the 100th degree at this point, so I respond back with "I miss you too, but today, I'm actually glad you are not here" and we went into a back and forth about why I was triggered, etc. Again, he claims one thing and there is no way it can be true, it just can not, period, I don't believe it to be possible. I was so overwhelmed, stressed and drained from being overstimulated from all of those visual triggers hitting me nonstop on the trail, I only did one round there and then went to a smaller area and just kept doing circles there. I do not know how much more I can withstand, this is very painful torment, uncertainty, and worry about not being my husbands "#1" constantly/daily.

Wade decided to take his nap later and went to the pool with the little one and myself, we've been promising to take her. It was EMPTY! which is exactly what I needed right now because I do not think I could handle another trigger today. We had a nice quiet time there. When we got back, he went to take his nap, the little one's "tried" to nap, but that lasted a good, oh I don't know - 10 whole minutes lol. So I sat and watched YouTube with her.

Wade wanted to talk about this morning tonight, but I told him it was fine - we don't have to, what's the point? nothing is changing anyway.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Love my 'bedazzled' swimsuit and how it looked and fit me.

#Motivational
Activate Your Greatness


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 570: 8/22/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke about my triggers from that morning, even though I didn't really want to talk about it. I just don't see a point to it, it's the same discussion... with no change. We also talked about some other issues that I've had after the night before. It was very uncomfortable, but it was stuff that needed to be said I guess. Afterward, he gave me a really nice back rub, where he actually took his time and I felt the difference and connected.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Change Your Life Today”, in this episode, Jordan Peterson talks with us about how to change your life today. 10 things you could do to change your life; 1. Have a clear, rational goal, 2. Develop a compelling vision, 3. Outline the worst-case scenario to avoid ending up there, 4. Recognize your shortcomings and improve them, 5. Take responsibility, 6. Develop self-discipline, 7. Step outside your comfort zone, 8. Aim high, 9. Stand up with your shoulders back, and 10. Have a little faith. Remember, life does not get better by chance, it gets better through change.

This morning, Wade had a doctors appointment so I started my walk alone, during my walk, I listened to some more of my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong". The most notable takeaway was "You can imagine after reading this book, Steve [Brené's husband] and I rumble all the time, at least once a week, once of us will need to say 'the story I am making up is'... it is not hyperbole to state that it has revolutionized the way we deal with our conflicts. Even with as much as I understand about the power of emotion, and as many years as we've been together, I am still surprised by how many of our arguments are intensified by the fabrications we tell ourselves. What starts as a small disagreement about an unimportant issue becomes a fight about wrongly assigned intentions and hurt feelings". Then I met up with some friends and we walked and talked together for at least 4 or 5 rounds! the talk ranged from so many various topics, from medicare to suicides! it was very interesting as usual. Then Wade decided to surprise us and stop by on his way home from the doctors. It was a nice surprise, I was expecting him to go straight home and go to bed. Seeing him coming up the trail, gave me that happy/excited butterfly feeling in my belly, I felt like a little teenage girl who was excited to see her boyfriend lol. Then he said he wants me to wake him up early, so we can take the girls and go to the pool... again I was taken back, I am really not used to this kind of umm, initiation/initiative on his part (offering himself, without me asking), not even these days (post-recovery). He normally loves getting his full amount of sleep. For him to offer up losing some sleep, especially because he was going to bed later as it were - that's really out of character, I was pleasantly surprised by it. I just hope he doesn't regret it later.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was open and welcoming to a new person.

#Motivational
10 Things That Will Change Your Life Immediately


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 571: 8/23/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Headphones.
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Last night, we discussed our day/night. He told me about some conversations he overheard at work that he wasn't too fond of and I told him about the pleasant conversation I had with our friend and his girlfriend during my walk. Then we went inside and began watching Fear the Walking Dead for a bit, then he spoiled me with an awesome foot rub and another nice and long backrub before leaving for work, it was lovely.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Setting Goals In Life”, in this episode, we have Jim Rohn as he talks about setting goals in life. Goal Setting: 7 Important Reasons Why You Should Set Goals; 1. Take Control of Your Life, 2. Get Maximum Results, 3. Creates Laser Focus, 4. Creates Accountability, 5. Motivates You, 6. Be The Best You Can Be, 7. Live Your Best Life. Remember, self-congratulations is a sign of maturity. Seeking congratulations is a sign of immaturity.

This morning, Wade got held up at work again, I was supposed to go walking and meet up with our friends, but it began raining pretty bad so I decided to skip the walk today. We scheduled our meet up for another day. While the little one watched her nonstop YouTube surprise, Decendents music videos, and others - I put on my headphones and turned on my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong", so I could at least get some recovery/healing work in today. The most notable takeaway was "We try to get curious about the stories they are making up [children/teens]. We strongly encourage journaling and even drawing. Practicing the story rumble during these times, not only teaches them the process but also, almost always leads to an experience of connection between us. It's far more effective than relying on 'I don't care if everyone in the world is allowed to go to this music festival, you're not!', 'would you jump off a bridge if everyone else was doing it?!', or worst of all, undermining the respect our children have for us, 'because I said so!'". I find this an interesting concept, a lot of times I, but especially Wade, tend to throw the "because I said so!" line out at our daughter... perhaps it's time to change that.

Today, it was quite difficult to do much of anything for myself, because my parents came over and stayed over multiple times throughout the day, and every one of those times, they've talked my ears off. Then we have my little one who is attached to me at the hip and also has a mouth on her, without an "off" switch. I do not know how some people can talk, without taking a break to 1) breathe or 2) enjoy some silence, peace, and tranquility... damn man, school can not start soon enough lol. It was a quite exhausting day (so far), especially given the fact that I barely slept at night. Now, I'm eagerly awaiting Wade to wake up, so he can whisk me away to our supermarket errand! yes, I am that pathetically excited to get out of this chaos, if even for an hour, just so I can hear myself think again.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was bumped I couldn't walk, I didn't feel any sense of shame or unaccomplished.

#Motivational
Jim Rohn - Why Keep Your Goals A Secret


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 572: 8/24/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we reflected on our days, he read me some quotes that he found very interesting from his current book and I shared with him some of mine. It was nice, then we went inside, I was feeling kind of groggy, I've been having a very difficult time sleeping in recent days, compounded with rough noisy days - I've been ultra exhausted. We watched some Fear the Walking Dead, we've been catching up, we kind of forgot about it as we watched other shows lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Today We Learn How To Turn Knowledge Into Action”, in this episode, we get some great advice on how to turn knowledge into action - like, telling someone else what you learned, taking notes on what you’re learning, incorporating ideas into your routine, posting reminders of ideas everywhere, and keep learning about the topic. Remember, we must be happy with what we've got while in pursuit of what we want.

This morning, we drove down to the mall because we had art pieces to pick up and while we walked there, we listened to "How To Laugh In the Face of Danger" an interview with Bassem Youssef, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Bassem Yousseff, known as the “Jon Stewart of Egypt,” was once a heart surgeon in Cairo with no online following. But when the revolution broke out in Egypt in 2011, he and his friend decided to take action, launching a satirical show that brazenly mocked the government in a way that had never before been seen on Egyptian TV. He became an overnight sensation reaching 5 million views within the first three months. His hit series named “The Show” became the most-watched show in Egyptian television history, raking in 30 to 40 million viewers per episode. As he rose to stardom, detractors called for his death, and yet, Bassem continued to produce his show until it became too dangerous for any station to carry. He ultimately fled the country out of fear, not for his own life, but for the safety of those around him. In this interview he talks about his life before, currently and what he plans for the future, now that he lives in the USA. On the way out of the mall, there was a 'trigger' walking amongst her family, she was walking towards us, then she turned with them and began walking down into Best Buy. There was some girl sitting outside of Best Buy too, at a table, Wade looked at that direction and as the trigger was walking down the stairs and into the store, his head turned there too (which to me looked like, him pivoting straight to glance at her). I turned to him and said "really?!" and he immediately went into defensive and that made him look really guilty to me. It took him a while to stop, apologize for going there and gaslighting and we had a long discussion about all of it on the way home.

In the afternoon, Wade's parents came over for a visit to pre-celebrate his father's birthday. It was going okay overall, but I did notice at some points where Wade seemed a little zoned out, so I grabbed his hand. Then he acted a bit obnoxious and screamed out at my dad, which I will hear about for a long while - I'm sure of it... but meh, whatever, I'm exhausted and my body hurts for some reason right now... so much that I can barely put my thoughts together at the moment.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though Wade's behavior triggered me, I grounded myself enough to move forward with the conversation.

#Motivational
Jim Rohn - How to Turn Knowledge into Action


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 573: 8/25/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we did really talk too much, for me it was a bit chilly to stay out on the balcony, so he smoked out there alone and then came inside and joined me on the bed for a few minutes. I asked him why he seemed a bit off during his parents visit and he thinks it is because he wasn't "present" but also some after-effects from his shame in the morning.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Designing An Ideal Day”, in this episode, Brendon Burchard talks with us about designing an ideal day, how? 1. Get at least 8 hours sleep, 2. Rise early, 3. Exercise and stretch, 4. Eat well, 5. Do one thing that you love, 6. Accomplish one important task, 7. Be present with others, 8. Give to someone else, 9. Practice gratitude, and 10. Reset. Remember, don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect.

This morning, during our walk, we began listening to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "The Courage to Love" his featured guest was Paul Ginocchio who is a former addict, turned Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT, CSAT, with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay area and he is also a filmmaker. He created the documentary "The Courage to Love" which is about sex addiction, you can find it free to watch on Amazon Prime and YouTube. They dig deeper on the difference between sex addiction and offending, the positive emotional impact upon men that stand up and speak out about their sexual problems, and about how Paul himself moved forward to find healing and redemption in his own struggles, how his willingness to share and put himself out there has created a path for many to help rebuild their own lives and find recovery and love that they may have never thought possible. Then we got interrupted with two triggers back to back and paused the podcasted and the veered our conversation off course and onto triggers/never-ending struggle of this issue. We proceeded to talk about this subject for quite some time and then some.

During the day, I caught a few minutes to myself, watch some Married at First Sight, for about 10 minutes but I caught an interesting message/quote from one of the experts on there, I thought I would share: "Love is a head thing, what people call being 'in love' is a heart thing. Love is a decision that you make. You make an intellectual decision; 'I'm going to be with this woman because she is good for me and I am good for her, irrespective of the fact that we've acted like complete jackasses, we're good for each other'. So we're making a decision that we're going to be in this, case closed, period, no matter what, that's what love is". ~ Married at First Sight, Pastor Calvin Roberson. Then I watch the clip Wade posted about addiction, it was very interesting, but that me time was short-lived lol.

Later on in the day, I decided to go with him and the girls to the playground. Just when I thought "wow, no triggers! for once!!!" BAM! out pop loads of them in the next area we went to, I guess I should just get used to the fact that I can't go anywhere without his types being there, in my face, taunting me and reminding me of everything I am not; and can never be, for him. I tried to ignore my triggers as much as humanly possible; as my parents and kids were with us, my grounding ring is a lifesaver I have to say. Then we went home and dinner together.

Now, I just can't wait for everyone's bedtime, because for some odd reason, my whole body is still aching from this morning and all I want to do is just rest in silence.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushing through my own feelings of shame in order to speak up my issues.

#Motivational
How to Design the Perfect Day


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 574: 8/26/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about some of the playground triggers, the quote I posted in my journal and a few various topics. Then we went inside and watched some TV, with about 30 minutes before he had to leave for work, he said he wanted to give me a backrub, so he did that. I fell asleep and actually passed out till about 5:30 am in the morning, it so long overdue!! I've been sleeping so badly lately.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Train Your Subconscious Mind”, in this episode, Joe Vitale talks with us about how to train your subconscious mind to get you what you want. You can reprogram your mind by visualizing the success that you want, have a specific vision, write down your goals, engage in affirmations, meditation, engage in positive self-talk, and behave as though your dream has already been fulfilled. Remember, train your mind to see the good in every situation.

This morning, he told me about his night at work and also, how he has been breaking down and rationalizing some issues between a seemingly 'happy & in love" couple on a show he is watching "The Office", which normally, like 2 years ago he would just watch it as a comedy and not dig deeper. It was awesome listening to him break it down like that, he really has come a long way and made so many changes, it's quite clear. Then we met up with our friend and spoke with him for about an hour, covering various topics and ending with relationships It's always nice to hear his two cents on the topic, he is a psychologist by trade.

Afterward, Wade decided, like last week to stay up, instead of going to bed because he's off tonight. I didn't realize he wanted to do that again but was pleasantly surprised by it. We took the girls to the mall, no major triggers for me there (thankfully!). We grabbed some lunch to take home and now everyone is waking up from their naps, I just finished some revisions or a client - so I'm letting Wade nap longer, he needs his rest.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Love how my gray yoga pants go together with my teal top, the color blend is awesome.

#Motivational
The Courage to Love


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 575: 8/27/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked a little on the balcony, he told me that when I look over and say "that's all you got done?" (when he is writing his journal), he doesn't like it and it throws him into shame. Of course, I told him I would stop and I don't mean for him to feel that way. My whole thing was, there have been many times that a lot of time would pass and he would be distracted on his phone, instead of finishing his journal - which meant less time for us. Then we watched Paul Ginocchio's sex addiction documentary "The Courage to Love" which was very eye-opening and filled with mixed emotional responses from both Wade and myself. He, from his own journey through the addiction and out of it... mine from the one who was betrayed by those behaviors, for so very long.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Be More Successful By Mimicking The Morning”, in this episode, our friend from Practical Psychology talks with us about having a more successful day by mimicking the morning routine of successful people. What are some morning routine habits that successful people have? 1. Make a To-do-list, 2. Energize themselves, 3. Schedule their day, 4. Wake up early, 5. Affirmations and visualizations - focus on positive, 6. Gratefulness, 7. Bond with someone early on - strengthen relationships, 8. Clean from the night before, 9. Silence, and 10. Read about what happened the night before. Remember, the secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.

This morning, Wade went fishing with my dad, before he left we finished listening to the episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "The Courage to Love" his featured guest was Paul Ginocchio who is a former addict turned Marriage & Family Therapist and the filmmaker behind the documentary "The Courage to Love" (about sex addiction). Then, I went for my walk and met up with a friend. We spent most of the walk having a really good and engaging conversation, going through a wide range of topics. Then we got into my triggers, fears and constant state of worrying because I brought up a dinner (date night) Wade and I were having tonight, in a Spanish restaurant and instead of being excited for the night out (which was how it initially began, I was excited - until I wasn't) my nerves are shot, I have so much fear and anxiety building up because of the type of venue, the type of women that will 95% chance be there and how triggered I'll end up being tonight, all this, before even getting out the door for the date. He feels that I am stuck in a mental trap that I've set up for myself over time because I'm too afraid of any form of unpredictability/uncertainty and refuse to allow myself to let go of it long enough to see where it could possibly lead me. He thinks I'm stuck in this mental loop because that is where I always have found certainty, for years, it was the one guarantee that I did have: 1) Wade was going to ogle someone/many women, 2) he is going to want her/them and 3) well it's 'because that's who he prefers, instead of me, because I am not ________'... and this is the manuscript my mind plays out and has been playing out for years, every time 'a threat' would be around. It is not without reason, to me it was a fact because that was what his behavior showed me for so long. I am so used to that script; that it is the only certainty I've had to lean on, that is why he believes I feel this need to cling to it. I find safety in certainty, no matter if it's the good or bad kind, therefore seeing it any other way (letting go) - so I can see if I can start believing him when he tells me he only wants me now that he has changed, my own mental block will not allow it, because uncertainty = fear and is uncomfortable. He believes I can and eventually will change the station in my mind, and it will take a lot of self-work but I must push harder to try and prepare myself better before heading into uncertain/triggering situations, practice desensitizing (which, I dunno if it's possible or I'm ready for right now) myself to my worst triggers but most of all, if I believe in his changes... be open to giving him 'wiggle room' on this, try jumping into some uncertainty if I do in fact believe he is constantly trying, putting in the work and continuing his progress... Obviously, he worded it way better than I could, but anyway, he explained a few things that were coming from an interesting perspective and they were difficult to hear, process and not react to right away - but to really hear what he was saying to try to examine and really heal myself, which is very uncomfortable and apparently something I have not been doing, in his opinion. Even after all that, I tried to explain to him, no matter how prepared I could get, my triggers are visual, so once I see someone, it's like all I see is red and I can not think straight until it wears off. We didn't get to finish our conversation, but we'll continue tomorrow, I told him I will let him know how this dinner goes.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had a reflective therapy session with our friend today and I was open to his honest feedback.

#Motivational
10 Morning Routine Habits of Successful People


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 576: 8/28/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we went out to dinner at the Spanish restaurant. Lucky for me, it was empty!! there were some triggers there (employees) but I was able to get past those and we had a great time, we discussed my morning conversation with our friend, how I felt about his points, how he did, what we both understood from his point of view, also what Wade wants me to try during triggers. It was a lovely date night, so different than I had expected it to go, I even ended up a little tipsy.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “3 Ways to Use Your Sense of Urgency to Your Advantage”, in this episode, Isaiah Hankel talks with us about how to use your sense of urgency to your own benefit. Some of the ways to do this? Take Time to Think and Plan, Getting into “Flow”, Become More Alert, Develop a Sense of Urgency, Create a “Bias for Action”. Remember, don't let people pull you into their storm, pull them into your peace.

This morning, Wade had to do some PT, so I walked alone. During my walk, I listened to "How to Connect With Your True Self" an interview with Radhanath Swami, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Mr. Swami is a famed spiritual guide, community activist and best-selling author. He explains how to tell the difference between the real and illusory self, what spiritual practice really looks like, and why love is the most powerful motivating force. The best message (for me) was at around 21:49, when he said (I edited it down a bit) "Wherever there's life, there's the search for pleasure...whatever our status in society we're all looking for pleasure we're all trying to avoid pain. Why? because pain interferes with our search for pleasure. ...Pleasure is love as we said before things cannot give fulfillment to the heart, it is only love and being loved that's the need of the heart and when there's an emptiness of that love, when we're disconnected from that love, then we can try to find that experience; that pleasure in so many things... but it never satisfies us because ... things could give some pleasure, but love is what we're all truly searching for, love is the most powerful motivating force and in whatever we may be in this world - if we're motivated by that love that is within us then we'll perform ... with the best precision and effectiveness..."

Later in the day, we decided to make it a family day and went to Dave and Buster's. It was packed and there were a lot of triggers for me, thank goodness for my ring. I tried to do what Wade asked me to (during our dinner yesterday) and I kind of felt like I was in a haze, so I am not sure if it worked or not. When I saw bigger threats and felt a trigger coming on, I would squeeze my ring until I felt pain, to the point where I was able to start a game and forget about 'her'. So, I don't know if it was the ring grounding me to the point where I was able to 'move on' or if it was the fact that I was playing games, which oftentimes have served as great distractions overall for me. We had a good family day I believe... although I am exhausted, all I want to do is put the little one to bed and go to bed myself.


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed through a lot of my triggers today, it was not easy, but I did the best I could, thanks to my ring.

#Motivational
How To Stop Feeling Rushed


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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 577: 8/29/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we reflected on our day, how my dad gave us both headaches with his nonstop talking lol and we also talked about the fact that even though I had some triggers, we spent it well and the girls (us too) had a good family day. Then we went inside and watched some TV, he gave me a nice foot rub and a soothing back rub after. He stayed up later, I went to bed and actually slept through the night.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “15 Most Important Secrets To Developing Effective Time Management Skills”, in this episode, we get 15 important secrets to developing effective time management skills. Here are seven of them: 1. Start your day with a clear focus, 2. Have a dynamic task list, 3. Focus on high-value activities, 4. Minimize interruptions, 5. Stop procrastinating, 6. Limit multi-tasking, and 7. Review your day. Remember, the commodity that is the most valuable on Earth is time.

This morning, Wade had to sleep in, so I went for my walk on my own. I met up with a friend and he wanted to know how our date night went, so I told him all about that. Then we started talking about him and myself, how we have some similar traits, even resentments too. He thinks that I have a lot of self-hate, resentment built up over the years and until I resolve that (forgive myself), I will not be able to push through the blocks my mind had set up to protect me. He went into a deep dive about it, it was an interesting perspective for sure, something I hadn't really ever thought about. I had brought up a lot of memories of various things that accumulated that I've had regret, resentment etc about, it was nice sharing it. He kept leading back to the fact that the only one really in my way from moving through my mental blocks, it's me.

Afterward, Wade had to go to PT and I sat with the kiddos. Then we went to the playground for a bit and ended the day with a family BBQ.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
It was difficult, but I'm getting more comfortable, getting uncomfortable.

#Motivational
This Is How Successful People Manage Their Time


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 578: 8/30/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Talking with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, I told him about the conversation I had with our friend, during my morning walk. We had a discussion about that for a bit, before going inside to watch some TV, before he had to go to work. While we watched he spoiled me a bit by giving me a nice foot rub and topped it off with a sensual caressing session, which was new but I loved it. made me feel really relaxed and special.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Awesome Power of Mindset: How To Cultivate The Right Mindset”, in this episode, we hear from several well known motivational speakers on the awesome power of mindset. The opposite of a fixed mindset is a growth mindset, people with this mentality believe in personal development through concentrated efforts to grow and learn. Although you might not be the greatest starting out, you still have the ability to improve. A growth mindset encourages learning, promotes resiliency and a growth mindset means that you control your life. Remember, when you change everything will change for you. When you get better everything will get better for you.

This morning, we walked and talked, beforehand we bumped into our next-door neighbor, she didn't trigger me too badly but made me feel a sense of real discomfort by being there. During our walk he told me that it still shocks him, some of the women he knows he would have ogled in the past (like this neighbor) but now, he sees nothing special about them at all. I told him that's how I've felt for over a decade with most of the women he would ogle, as he completely would ignore and bypass me/my existence. Then we talked about how he feels these days about his coworkers as they continue to objectify, how sorry he feels for their wives and how sad it makes him to realize how much his own behavior has affected me. We discussed triggers, how I break them down, my thought process and fears -- how he feels about me, them and overall, etc., how I want to believe him and what we both feel might be holding me back. It was a very difficult but productive talk.

Then we went to the playground with the kids and stopped by BK for some grub. It was a nice evening until our eldest began throwing a tantrum.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The talk Wade and I shared... the honesty and vulnerability.

#Motivational
How to Connect With Your True Self
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ml8J0tQm0rU

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 579: 8/31/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade read a few very interesting passages from "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I Am Enough'", the Brené Brown book he is currently reading. The whole book focuses on shame and building shame resilience, so what he read to me was quite relatable to our situation, especially me... my triggers and how they are PTSD.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Daily Routines: Importance of Having Morning and Evening Routines”, in this episode, we learn about the importance of having daily morning and evening routines. It’s easy to forget about your morning and evening routines when your day is full of dozens of tasks and personal obligations. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution to this problem, if you add good habits that directly relate to your personal goals, then it's easy to create a daily schedule (that's under 30 minutes), which can dramatically improve your life. Remember, you'll never change your life until you change something you do daily.

This morning, we began listening to "Beyond the Body" an interview with Steve Cook, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Wade selected this guy because Lewis mentioned him in his book "Mask of Masculinity", when he wrote about the athletic mask. Steve Cook is an icon in the bodybuilding world, especially for his wins in Men’s Physique competitions, his insanely popular YouTube videos, Instagram posts, and training programs, but he is much more than that. He is one of the nicest, soft-spoken, most real gym dudes out there – not exactly what fits the stereotype. They talked all about what masculinity really means, how that definition is supported (or not) by the fitness industry, and he shared his whole process of building a hugely successful brand in a highly competitive industry, even though he started out waiting tables after college instead of taking a “real” job. We did not finish the whole interview, but we will tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got a lot of the things I wanted to get done, done.

#Self-Care
The Power of Morning & Evening Routines


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 580: 9/01/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Video.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke a bit about y parents and how sometimes their behavior - which in the past I used to shrug off and just accept 'as is', that these days, even if it gets them pissed at me... I've been snapping/calling them out more. I've just been growing more and more exhausted and resentful of it all, I can't just hold it all in and just 'take it' any longer. Then we went inside where he gave me a quick foot rub and then, about 13 minutes till the time he had to leave for work, he wanted to go cuddle, I said no because I didn't want it to feel rushed. I don't like when it feels that way, I've told him this before... instead of playing on his phone and watching TV, if he wanted to do that, it is something he should have initiated earlier.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Toxic People: How To Remove The Toxic People In Your Life”, in this episode, we learn some valuable tips on how to keep from having toxic people in your life. Remember, in both life and business, you want to repel the people who do not have the same belief system as you and attract the ones who do.

This morning, before leaving the house, I watched "Clean Keto on a Budget - Costco Grocery Haul" by Thomas DeLauer, which was a very educational video and gave me some insight on reading food labels better, in general. Then we drove down to the mall for our walk and talk because we needed to return something at Target. We finished listening to "Beyond the Body" an interview with Steve Cook, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Cook is an icon in the bodybuilding world, he has insanely popular YouTube videos, Instagram posts, and training programs. They talked all about what masculinity really means, how that definition is supported (or not) by the fitness industry, and he shared his whole process of building a hugely successful brand in a highly competitive industry. Then we finished our trip at Target, where after watching Thomas's Costco video, I wrote down some products I wanted to try. While we were there I suggested we have an impromptu 'junk food' movie night, something I thought the girls would love, as their last weekend before the school year starts. Wade agreed, a good thing because he's our cook, so he kind of would have to be involved LOL. As we were checking out, there was a clerk there, normally she'd be a trigger for me, this time she put me on 'alert' but for some reason, she didn't trigger me and I didn't even pay attention to that fact, until Wade asked me about it/brought it up on the car ride back. He kept asking and asking "why not?", I kept telling him I don't know why I wasn't triggered this time. Maybe I was too distracted by a payment issue we were having, maybe it was the days of conversations with our friend, maybe it was just a one-off fluke, who knows? Of course it's peculiar and a mystery I guess, but at some point it began to feel like an interrogation, because I told him 10 times "I don't know" but after a while I couldn't keep coming up with any more possible reasons why - so other thoughts began crossing my mind: perhaps he was asking so much because HE got triggered and was shocked that I didn't??? he kept pointing out how he was surprised she didn't trigger me because he would have definitely ogled her in the past, detailing where he would have stood to do it to have a better view, mentioning that she had the body type and was cute..., that now he was confused at who I consider a "prime" because she should have been a prime, as in his opinion she meets all of the criteria... the more he spoke he just kept checking off all of the boxes in my head of "hmm, maybe I should have been triggered because obviously, her presence did something for him, she excited him - a little too much and I must have missed something there". It was a really weird exchange. But again, it only confirms to me, that when he claims he 'doesn't notice' or 'they mean nothing to him' or whatever, #1 he's lying because he see's way more than he lets on and #2 he obviously thinks a whole lot more than even I was giving him credit for, about them, so it's way more than I thought, even after the 'hot' incident. He gave me plenty of details about this girl, for someone he claims 'he didn't get triggered by' or 'didn't feel anything for' by her. His line of questioning prob gave me more food for thought about him and how he still looks at other women, than my own curiosity as to why I didn't get triggered by her.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kept my patience with Wade's questions without letting my emotions take over.

#Self-Care
The SECRET to Not Having TOXIC People Around You!


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 581: 9/02/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) YouTube.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about my parents for a bit and how my mom was guilting me like crazy about something, the things she was throwing at me was just obnoxious. Then, we talked about the car ride home in the morning and pretty much everything I wrote in my journal. How it all made me feel etc., he told me he sees what I mean and apologized for it. He said that his mouth got the best of him (again) and that he was rambling and it didn't come out how he meant to, etc. Honestly, that excuse is getting tired already. He has his story, I have my beliefs and interpretations based on what I hear, see and well... the facts at hand.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Finding Joy In Life By Doing What You Love”, in this episode, Jim Carrey talks about finding joy in life by doing what you love in life. Remember, you can fail at what you don't want so you might as well take the chance on doing what you love.

This morning, we skipped our walk so we could head out to the supermarket for our weekly run. This way, we would have the ingredients for cooking tonight, instead of having to improvise again and cook tomorrow. Throughout the day, my parents, well dad, was driving me up the bleeping wall, holy shit. After they left, a few hours past, I tried to get my little one to lay down for a nap and nothing I did worked. I gave up, called my mom and asked if she could come in, so I could lay down... after the headache, that my dad had given me - where 4 Advils proved to be useless, I felt I deserved it. Of course, that meant, by the time I woke up, both of them would be here and another headache ensued. Anyway, Wade cooked up "Barbacoa Beef Burrito Bowls (chipotle copycat recipe)" and it came out delicious and tasted like we got take out from Chipotle. He really has a knack for this cooking thing, I appreciate it so much because I am not crazy about cooking, glad one of us is lol.

I had been thinking; on and off, about last morning and our conversation from the previous night, but my dad distracted me so much that my thoughts kept zoning in and out.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As tired as I was, I still checked off some stuff off of my to-do list.

#Self-Care
Clean Keto on a Budget - Costco Grocery Haul


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 582: 9/03/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked a little bit about the issues of recent days. I do not want to repeat the same stuff all over again here though. Then he gave me a nice and long foot rub, while we watch TV... then a super soothing back rub after. When he takes his time like that, I feel connected, spoiled and it just feels so sensual and nice, I love it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Dealing With Negative People When You’ve Grown Beyond Them”, in this episode, we get some very valuable tips on dealing with negative people when you've grown beyond them. Six tips; 1. Use the toddler technique, 2. Purposely misinterpret passive-aggressive questions, 3. Answer their questions with vulnerability, 4. Use the 1 sentence rebuttal, 5. Don't recruit; live it, and 6. Find one other person. Remember, be so positive that negative people don't want to have anything to do with you.

This morning, he had a physical therapy appointment. We waited for him to be done and then went to Dave and Buster's, where we let the girls loose. We also let them make themselves something at Build-A-Bear, one last hooray of sorts, before school starts. It was a nice family day that we spent together. However, as much fun as it is... both Wade and I can not wait for school to start, so we can have some of our day-dates/freedom back.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt and shame lately, between the incident with Wade (taking up for the chick at Target)... to how my parents have been making me feel... to feeling like I've been dropping the ball on my diet/health routine, it hasn't changed much but for some reason, I feel like I'm at a plateau and I am not happy about it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Minor triggers, but nothing over the top/couldn't handle.

#Self-Care
6 Tips To Deal With The Negative Comments


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 583: 9/04/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Wade.
3) Family Time.
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Last night, we talked about the end comment I made in my last post, about feeling 'off', some guilt and full of shame lately, between a mixed bag of feelings about myself, my parents and situations involving Wade/triggers/other women and our relationship. Wade admitted that when it comes to health/weight - he has actually been feeling that very same slump himself lately, so we discussed some ways we can maybe make some changes in that area, to better ourselves and each other. Then Wade let me rant profusely about my parents and the outpouring of guilt they've laid at my feet in recent days, also the complaints about my "talking back" because I refuse to keep putting up with or just listening to nonsense and agreeing with them, just for the sake of -- "they're my parents, so that's-that". I am so very grateful that I have someone to vent to, I use to hold everything in so much that to be honest, I don't know how I made it through the day; now that I know what it feels like to release all the baggage, man, what a relief it has been.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Importance of Self Discipline And How It Relates To Freedom”, in this episode, Leo talks with us about the importance of self-discipline and how developing it leads to real freedom. Remember, if you can be disciplined with your daily actions you can achieve anything that you set your mind to.

This morning, we decided to take the girls to the zoo. It was the last free day we had together as a family before school begins and Wade had off. We actually had a pleasant, fun time. We ended up staying longer than usual and seeing more exhibits that we normally had in recent visits too. The girls got some partying gifts and even I got myself a cute little yin and yang bracelet. There were some minor triggers there, but I didn't let them destroy my day as a whole, I didn't notice Wade getting antsy, he seemed okay, but I will ask him later if he had any ogling incidents or urges. Wade helped pick the color of my yin and yang bracelet, now he thinks it's a good idea for us to get some sort of symbolic tattoos lol but I'm not a fan of putting permanent markings on my body, never was, it's a me thing. However, I did think of something else, weeks ago, I'll show him before the cruise (it's a surprise) and I'll see if he'll take to it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Really enjoyed this family day at the zoo, was present and not triggered into oblivion.

#Self-Care
Self Discipline vs Freedom


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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Yeah, I agree, I just don't want anything I can't remove if I no longer want it.

 

DAY 584: 9/05/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) First Day of School!
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Last night, we talked about how pleasant our trip to the zoo was, even with slight triggers (my end) and his slips throughout the day. Then we talked about my weird thing about loyalty and how I've always been this way when I am with someone - dating or married, I am with them ONLY like 100%, I'm weird like that, this includes with my eyes (ogling) as well as physically (cheating). I was faithful, loyal and all about him, even when we were dating and he threw loads of red-flags (not wanting to do simple, yet meaning things I was asking for) at me which I ignored, so he gave me plenty of reasons to stray especially while he was overseas, I was not lacking the opportunities, but for some odd reason, I remained loyal. So we discussed that oddity a bit, before heading inside to watch some TV.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Have Better, More Meaningful Conversations”, in this episode, Celeste Headlee delivers her TED Talk on how to have better, and more meaningful conversations. Her 10 tips? 1. Don't multitask, 2. Don't pontificate, 3. Use open-ended questions, 4. Go with the flow, 5. If you don't know, say that you don't know, 6. Don't equate your experience with theirs, 7. Try not to repeat yourself, 8. Stay out of the wits, 9. Listen, 10. Be brief. Remember, true listening requires a setting aside of one's self.

This morning, we dropped off our girls at school; the first day of seventh grade and the first day of kindergarten, then Wade dropped me off for my walk and he went to his PT session. First day of some FREEDOM! yippie!! the weather was breezy but nice and as I walked I listened to and finally finished this awesome book, "Rising Strong" by Brené Brown. The most notable takeaway in the conclusion other than EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS AND ALL OF HER BOOKS! ha, but anyway from within the confines of the book: "I define vulnerability as exposure, uncertainty, and emotional risk. Yes, feeling vulnerable is at the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment, but it's also the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity. When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives. Myth #l: Vulnerability is weakness. Myth #2: "I don't do vulnerability." Myth #3: We can go it alone. Myth #4: Trust comes before vulnerability."

Then something strange happened during my walk, I wanted to mention it here, but I don't think I will because it could come off sounding messed up or misconstrued as me being against other women or whatever. Regardless, for a moment I had a slight feeling of possible progress today in the realm of triggers, even though I had an inkling that it could be a one-off or a fluke possibly, but something similar did happen before, so who knows. Then I did end up having a few triggers at Costco, but they weren't too bad... although all of that hope for 'progress' from earlier (my walk) was overshadowed when we got home and Wade went to park the car. The neighbor he labeled as "hot" a few weeks ago walked out of the building, towards the parking lot, at the very same time that he was there. She was dressed to impress... umm the male species, to say the least, this was the perfect opportunity for Wade to get his 'kicks in'. Anyway, he claims he didn't see her at all, but I don't know, she did trigger me, a lot. Now, I don't know whether it was her in general or hearing the playback of how he described her recently that got that made it much worse.

Tomorrow, Wade has to work, so, unfortunately, he won't be joining me for my walk... but I can not wait to start my new book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk MD.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How I felt during my walk.

#Self-Care
Celeste Headlee 10 ways to have a better conversation


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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