Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 517: 6/30/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Nature Walk.
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Last night, was rough, really-really rough, we went to the wake and there were so many people there. Wade was very emotional and I kept it together for him and kept squeezing his hand to ground him/remind him that I was right there with him, he was not alone. The experience was daunting and draining, we are still in shock, confused and no one can make sense of "why" but I guess, no one ever will. Once we got home, we spoke about it some more, I am just glad that right now, both of us have each other - that one person we can be truly vulnerable with, because maybe if this guy had that one person, he would have known - there was another way.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Making Adjustments In Life: How To Turn Your Life Around”, in this episode, we hear an inspiring message about turning your life around. Remember, no matter how far you go in the wrong direction, there's always a chance to turn your life around.

This morning, Wade went fishing with my dad, he needed some time to decompress after last night's wake, however going with my blabbermouth dad - not sure how peaceful that will be. Well, I went for my normal walk and listened to Ryan Holiday on Impact Theory, he is a best-selling author [The Obstacle is the Way and Ego is the Enemy], marketing tactician, and entrepreneur, the episode is called "The Keys to a Good Life". During his conversation with Tom, he goes through what drives him throughout life and fatherhood, his strategies on identifying and pursuing goals, encountering positive and negative feedback, the role of emotions in decision making and breaking down the practical steps for achieving success. Some great takeaways for me were when Mr. Holiday said “Being still is where really great insights come from. This is also where happiness comes from. You know, it's hard to be happy and appreciate and feel gratitude, when you're just moving all the time.” at 7:40, “You're not trying to get to perfection right now. You're just trying to get a little bit better than you were yesterday or an hour ago.” at 27:09 and best of all, something I really think Wade needs to think about (although this guy was referring to business/employees it can be applied at home, especially when dealing with our girls "Think about this way if you yell at your people every time something is wrong they'll just be like 'Oh Tom's a yeller' and if I just don't mind being me all that and get away with anything you know I mean and that's a very that happens in companies a lot it's like you have to be Calculon someways calculating and controlled and choose what you're going to get upset about otherwise the people that you're projecting that to aren't going to be able to discern a minor mistake from a catastrophic mistake it's very important that you're not the boy who cried wolf you know the one who's who's screaming about inconsequential matters and then when someone messes something up when they cross that red line they're not going to take it seriously because you're like look you yelled at me yesterday because the coffee was cold and you know here you messed up something on my calendar or whatever it is that you've got it you've got to be able to use the those are those emotions how you articulate what you're feeling or your you know how you're gonna act in a meeting or how you're going to put you know present a plan that's a communication tool and you've got to be able to use that you can't just be oh I'm not feeling it's on down today or I'm in a shitty mood, so I'm going to be yelling today that's not a good way to make those tough decisions." at 41:57. Then I listened to music for the rest of my walk. A very pleasant surprise happened, when I was on my way to the car, Wade and my dad were there - Wade gave me a nice bear hug, then my dad drove his car back and Wade took me home.

Later in the afternoon, we had a little BBQ which was a nice reprieve from the emotional drain of the past few days, the food was delish as usual. Then we just had a lazy, rest of day. Tomorrow will be another difficult day... the funeral...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Haven't been in the mood for my morning walks, but still make myself do it, felt accomplished after-the-fact.

#Motivational
This Video Might Completely Turn Your Life Around!


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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Thank you guys, I really appreciate it.

It has been really rough.

 

DAY 518: 7/01/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Life.
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Last night, we ended up having a really long discussion that pivoted many times and into many topics from us, from vulnerability to trying to rationalize why the guy may have committed suicide (although in the end, we will never really know - as no one can make sense of the senseless). He decided that he wants to keep in touch with old friends a little better and with deeper intentions, he thinks that if just one person let that guy know that they were truly there for him and wouldn't judge him, things could have been different. He wants to do more for those struggling because he knows how destructive numbing out is but also just how rewarding the other side (self-care and connection) can be.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Important Life Lessons That Could Change Your Life”, in this episode, we get some important life lessons that could change your life. Remember, show respect even to people who don't deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.

This morning, we went to the funeral, it was an emotionally draining experience, my heart aches for the family. I tried to hold it together and be there for Wade, as best as I could. Afterward, we spent the better of the day in traffic, then running our weekly grocery run where there were a few triggers for me. However, I am too emotionally drained and in too much physical pain to really feel much of anything right now.

Tomorrow, we take the older one to see the new Spiderman movie, hoping it will be a better and lighter day for us... we need a mental break.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Stayed strong for Wade.

#Motivational
A Lonely Girl Teaches Us An Important Lesson
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2904035882943249

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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DAY 519: 7/02/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family Time.
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Last night, we spoke for a bit, discussed some of the conversations I had at the funeral with other women -- who mentioned that they have so many fears (because the coworker who committed suicide told his wife nothing, ever) because their husbands don't want to share or speak with them about anything at all, other than the kids and weather... so without giving away too many details I told them that Wade and I have been through a lot in the last year, we've been on a self-care journey (I did not mention addiction) but I said we've learned what true vulnerability is and have been having deep honest talks, daily and our connection is so different because of it - we are not afraid to share anything with each other, I said it's like I am with a new boyfriend, a man I don't recognize. I recommended they get their husbands this book "The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest Lives", to start and see how they feel after reading it because everyone needs at least one person they can count on to be there and listen to them, without shame or judgment. Wade told me that our talks, especially the last few days have really helped him cope and get through the emotional clusterfuck losing a friend to suicide has been. Then we went to watch TV and he gave me such a nice foot rub, we decompressed from the very long, painful, exhausting and emotionally draining day. Before falling asleep, we shared a very sweet, mind-blowing intimate moment and that really helped relieve so much stress from the last few days. ;-)

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Love Yourself Enough To Develop Your Self-Discipline”, in this episode, we get encouragement to love yourself enough to develop your self-discipline. Remember, the more you love yourself, the less nonsense you'll tolerate.

This morning, we took the little one to daycare and the big one to see "Spider-Man: Far From Home". The movie was really great, even better than we expected it to be, all of us enjoyed it, our daughter's eyes were glued to the screen, which is unusual because she gets bored fast. The last few days Wade and I have been connected which has felt so good, even through minor triggers and stressful events, way better than budding heads. I miss our morning walks, due to having so much stuff to do, we've been missing out on them... both together and on my own, which sucks because I feel like I'm falling out of my routine.

My back is still killing me, having to be in my heels for hours for a few days really screwed things up for me, even worse.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved how my new yoga capris looked.

#Motivational
Before You Take Things For Granted, Watch This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=264809267799546

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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DAY 520: 7/03/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Waking Up with Wade.
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Last night, he told me he enjoyed my journal post, that he agreed with it, then we spoke about how amazing 'talking' is, how much healing it provides, no matter the topic, being able to get everything that's inside, out, really helps moves a person forward instead of holding them back. We again discussed suicide in general and the mindset one gets and how depression is a horrible disease. I reminded him to text some of his other coworkers, just to see how they are holding up too. Then he gave me an impromptu back rub, which, I don't know what button he presses back there but it really makes me feel so high lol in a good way! then he added to it by giving me a food rub too <3 I felt so loved and pampered. I told @Wade W. Wilson, I'd have to look up why I always feel so high after, and I have:

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Your Thoughts Become Reality”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer explains how your thoughts become reality. Remember, what we dwell on is who we become.

This morning, Wade had to take my parents to an appointment, so I had to skip my walk (which SUCKED, but I digress)... because I had to stay at home with the kiddos. Then when they got back he and ran an errand at Costco, which is always overwhelming in the summer (triggers). After that we lucked out, it did not rain and we were able to go to the pool together. In the afternoon both of us were tired more than usual, so we decided to watch a family movie "Little Rascals" (a classic! ha) with the kids as he made a new recipe for dinner Spinach Lasagna Roll-Ups, which came out delicious btw!

Now both of us are counting down the minutes for them to head to bed, so we can just relax in peace.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Enjoyed how my retro swimsuit looked, even though I felt bloated and missed my walk for a few days.

#Motivational
Wayne Dyer - This Is How Your Thoughts Become Your Reality


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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DAY 521: 7/04/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about our day, also the nerves I'm feeling about our upcoming cruise... and this time not so much our own issues, but dealing with his brother (and their whole family) coming and having to figure out how to navigate around them, through triggers/recovery issues. Wade is more confident than I am in regards to this, but I guess we will see. Then we went to watch a little TV before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Dare To Be Great: Stay Committed To Your Dreams”, in this episode, we are encouraged to stay committed to our dreams. Remember, great things never came from comfort zones.

This morning, we finally got back to our morning walk, oh how I missed it. We began listening to School of Greatness Podcast - Lewis Howes, episode "Matthew Hussey: Find Lasting Love with Lewis Howes", an awesome one. Before I go into that, I did get triggered on the trail and didn't really like the fact that Wade slipped, but did not mention anything until I made an off the cuff comment of "I hate starting from this side, it's always bad luck" because, for some reason, there is always a 'prime' or woman that he would have undoubtedly ogled walking right in front of us... and therefore because I'm right, as this woman walked, he did slip, but to me he said "accidentally slipped" but I don't consider it an accident, I think he liked what he saw and wanted to look, throwing the term "accidentally" in there is just to soften the blow for me. Peripheral vision is wide scale, especially from our distance, so, he could have easily not "slipped" right onto her ass, had he not wanted to, so, I'll call bullshit. Anyway... we talked about it, but that did not make my trigger go away. As for the video, it was great, we still have to finish it. Matthew brought up an awesome metaphor about a castle and the way he broke it down made complete sense. So, basically, he says that when you are in a relationship, you want to both build a castle, together. The "castle" is the relationship, it will not work if only one person is laying all the bricks and the other is MIA or half-assing it. In our case, the castle was getting built, by me and he was helping me but he was building a fortress outside of the castle and reinforcing those walls, making sure that he or anyone could no longer get in. When you build the castle together, you lay the foundation, bricks and everything as a team, as equals and then both of you are inside the castle together... he made it sound a lot more eloquent. He also spent a lot of time explaining how being real, vulnerable and empathic in a relationship really changes the dynamic of the whole thing for both partners and creates a lasting love/relationship, which Wade and I can confirm is true. He also made a lot of emphasis on "the little things" aka the day to day gestures, that is what you should use to determine the health of a relationship, you can not always look to the one great time you had on some trip, that you are still holding onto as the "but look, we had this good moment here", but every day at home you are ignored and feel miserable/unhappy. He says often times, people grab on to that one fond memory and don't want to let go of a dying or toxic relationship, because they loved how they felt that one time, however, they could still be in love with their partner but be depressed and mistreated at the same time. You need to look to how you are treated by your partner every day, not just that one time and figure out if you really are in the relationship you want to be in/deserve. It is worth a listen for sure.

In the afternoon, his parents came, there was a lot of noise. We had a mini fourth celebration, Wade made some yummy burgers, hotdogs, and fries - it was nice. Wade, did not seem too overwhelmed by his parent's presence, as usual, I figured if he would have been he would have moved to sit closer to me, to help ground himself. So, I was glad that came and went with little issue.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Love my new/cheap sporty tank top.

#Motivational
Don't Judge Others Until You've Been In Their Shoes
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=678480562595084

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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DAY 522: 7/05/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we watched the fireworks going off from multiple directions from our balcony, the little one was excited at first, but once the closer ones went off she got scared and wanted to head straight to bed. After everyone went back to their corners, Wade and I stayed out on the balcony where he and I continued discussing my trigger and his slip from earlier in the day. We don't see eye-to-eye on this one or this stuff at all, so as usual, we must agree to disagree.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Overcome The Fear Of Failure”, in this episode, Isaiah Hankel gives some advice on how to overcome the fear of failure. Remember, failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely.

This morning, before our walk we finished listening to School of Greatness Podcast - Lewis Howes, episode "Matthew Hussey: Find Lasting Love with Lewis Howes", where he finished his interview with his 5 keys to a successful [44:30], longlasting and sustainable relationship. I'll be paraphrasing, so go watch to get the in-depth explanations, 1) Empathy, "I need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to, not just ways that are comfortable to me", 2) Self-care, "First thing people should do to do work on themselves, so are beginning your best self to the relationship. Here's an interesting question you can ask yourself if I had 10 hours free right now what would I do with them interesting if you can't give a good answer to that question you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship...", 3) Have vulnerability, but do not abuse it by turning your partner into your on-call therapist "In a way what we're doing is, instead of sharing we're dumping, I'm asking you now to fix it for me, to put a bandaid on it for me. Of course, it's part of having a loving partner who will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and make you feel safe and secure..., but it's not their job to fill all of your voids..., it is important to work towards things together but it's not your job (or your partners) to carry the load...", 4) Teamwork, "Being a genuine team is huge, really looking at each other as teammates; as opposed to, you're there to meet my needs or I'm competing with you in some way, in a good relationship - you know in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship; you're their team mate, your thought process is her success is your success and vice versa you're in this together you and some days that person's in the lead and somedays you are, but neither of you cares, because you're in it together...." and 5) Commitment, "I want to do this with you I am committing with you and you are committed to building a castle with me..." -- it is worth a listen/watch. Then during our walk, we listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Rebuilding the Lost Connection in Human Sexuality" his featured guest was Dr. Carol Clark who is a Board Certified Sex Therapist. She and Rob discuss what it really means to be a sex addict, the difference between true addiction and behavior that is deemed unacceptable, and how we face, process, and move forward in situations that are often confusing and difficult. Dr. Clark gets a lot of questions relating to sexuality and sexual identity from both couples and individuals. She breaks down the definition and meaning behind the words “gay”, “bisexual” and “homosexuality”, and how they relate to sex and gender, and addiction. They also define addiction as, “obsessive-compulsive, out of control behavior done in spite of negative consequences to self or others.” In sex addiction, sex is the drug of choice. There are many aspects to sexuality and attraction, including development in puberty and adolescent stage of life. To fully know if someone is an addict, there is much to be discovered, history to uncover and analyzing the energy that goes into the behavior. She goes into how we get stuck at different parts of life, we must address the trauma, no matter how small. It’s traumatic for an individual to question their orientation with their loved ones denying their feelings or even threatening impending consequences if they were to follow their impulses. Something Wade and I know a thing or two about these days, how intimacy is about connection, addiction is about disconnection. One part I kind of had a discrepancy about was the end when they began talking about what partners want in the bedroom and what options you may have if your partner refuses to participate in something you are really into. Granted both Dr. Clark, Rob, Wade and I all agree with one thing, you MUST communicate about your wants and needs in the bedroom or you will always hold resentment and your need for "something else" could grow. No couples are going to agree 100% of the time on sexual desires and what makes them aroused, so you must figure out what you can compromise on or what are absolute dealbreakers.

Later in the day we went to the pool, it was pretty empty for a fourth of July weekend, but hey, no complaints from me! everything was going all right, until we got back to the building and then a 'threat' popped up, out of nowhere. She was wearing a neon orange sports bra and yoga capris, skin tight. Wade claims he barely noticed and from what he did see, he didn't think she would be someone I'd consider a "prime" or trigger me. I doubt he didn't notice, she could have been a freaking traffic cone in those colors. Anyhow, he said that these days, sometimes he wonders why he ogled, some of the women he ogled because right now they are just not appealing to him. I told him, I WISH I KNEW MYSELF, bro, could have saved me a shit ton of heartache.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As nervous, maybe even ashamed? as I was to wear my new swimsuit, I bit the bullet and did it because Wade picked it out, it wasn't so bad after all.

#Motivational
How to Beat Fear Of Failure And Take Calculated Risks


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
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DAY 523: 7/06/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Brené Brown.
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Last night, we talked about the same topics as usual, with him focusing more on how he can not, for the life of him, figure out what he found so appealing or in essence his "ogle material" on certain women that he knows he has ogled in the past, when he had me by his side and didn't bother looking my way at all. He apologized for the pain he inflicted on me over the years. How he cannot imagine how much I put up with and held inside for over a decade. Empathy is important in recovery and relationships in general. He keeps repeating that no matter who is around, the only woman he wants/desires is me, even if you take away our current connection... I just do not, can not believe that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Clarity Is Power: How To Get Clarity In Your Life”, in this episode, they talk about the importance of gaining clarity in life in order to achieve more. Remember, clarity is power. The more clear you are about exactly what it is you want, the more your brain knows how to get there.

This morning, before we left we began listening to "How To Find Your Life Partner & Build A $1 Billion Empire!" which is an interview with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu, where they go into the inner workings of their relationship, how they met, how they grew and some of the hardships they've had to overcome in order to get to the place where they are at today, as a couple and business. Then we decided to take the kids to an indoor playground at the mall because it was supposed to rain and the humidity was through the roof. I still wanted (needed) to get my morning walk in, so Wade took the girls to the play area and I went walking. During my walk, I began listening to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead", which is a lot like her speeches but a little more in-depth, I only got to chapter two, but so far, so good. The point of the book is to teach us that when we deny our stories, they define us - when we own our stories, we get to write the ending. Therefore being vulnerable, stepping into your shame, discomfort, being brave, falling, and getting back up... we teach ourselves, each time that even though walking into our stories of hurt can feel dangerous, the process of regaining our footing in the midst of struggle is where our courage is tested and our values are truly forged. Later on, Wade and the girls met up with me for lunch, something seemed a bit off with him, so I asked him "how was the indoor playground?" and I'm sure he knew exactly what I meant, but because the kids were there I guess he stuck to telling me about how much fun the little had. During the car ride home, he said he wasn't feeling so hot because he had a feeling coming over in his gut, something was bothering him and he had to talk to me, but couldn't because of the kids... so it was driving him crazy. I told him I understood the sensation he was feeling, as I have experienced something similar, on multiple occasions. However, I am not a fan of cliff hangers, the whole "I really have to tell you something" and obviously it is something recovery related, in a negative context... because he couldn't bring it up in front of the kids... so then I am left sitting with this nagging feeling of anxiety and uncertainty as to what it could possibly be etc, not a good feeling to sit in.

Once we got home, we tried to watch TV, but I could see that he was obviously not mentally "there" that whatever was on his mind was eating him up, so I said let's situate our girls and go out on the balcony to talk, so he could get whatever he was holding in, out. I will preface this with the fact that I am thankful for Wade being honest with me [and himself] about this because I prefer hurtful truths to any sort of cushy or sweet lies and I rather help him break it down and rationalize it, then to get slammed with even worse later on after he's been holding back and having shame build up - but I can't say it does not sting. He told me that when he was at that indoor playground, there was a mom there in skin-tight yoga pants and a tight top, she was well endowed, "not that he stared" (he quickly claimed), but it's hard to miss, "like with you" was how he explained it - someone he says I would definitely be triggered by but doesn't think I would have considered her one of his "prime types". Regardless, he said for some reason with her; his addict impulses were strong and he had a strong urge to ogle. He said he was trying to avoid her but she was popping up everywhere he went - making it difficult and he finally broke. He had the urge to look and he acted on it (acted out) - he said he turned away right after and did his beard test and "mantra" of how much he only wants me and he doesn't want to be how he was, aka convincing himself of all the reasons why he has to fight how he truly feels. Then turned on an Impact Theory episode to ground himself, one I watched before where the guy talks about values and priorities in life. However, the point still remains, he ended up ogling instead of averting the situation by any means necessary, which is not the same as an accidental slip - where someone walks into your frame of vision out of nowhere, in line of sight and you end up slipping. He knew she was in that certain spot but he still turned his head in that direction > intent < and checked her ass out and of course enjoyed it. (he didn't add that detail to his story, but I'm ballparking here) He called it a slip, I call ogling [found someone attractive + got an urge to look aka got lustful + exhibited no self-control + intent = ogle] so... not something I would consider a "slip" at all. Ironically, just a week or so ago, he told me how much catching other men ogling me has been bothering him these days, how they don't give a crap whether he was with me or not, it was disgusting and reminded him of who he once was and no longer wants to be - so, where was that train of thought to stop him when he felt this urge coming on? you know when he broke and ogled a mom, with her kids right there? or after listening to the countless times I've explained how guys ogling me, made me feel, where was his empathy for how this woman's 'spidey senses' were probably going off that some perv dad was checking her ass out while she was busy with her kid... kind of contradictory and leaves me confused with where his head is really at on all of this. It also makes me question/wonder just how much self-control he is forcing on himself daily, to constantly focus on me, instead of all other women he prefers and I know he'll say "trust me, that's not true, I only want you, I don't care about anyone else" but as I told him a few weeks ago, I think he really believes that the more he tells himself that he wants and desires me, somehow it will make it so; but it will not, those urges will eventually take back over, the more he tries to push them down. It's also a bit hypocritical to tell me how much he only wants me these days, how he is only attracted to me, no matter how many more attractive people are out there (how I've been) that even if he sees someone attractive that he no longer has this pull to lust after them/ogle... that when he thinks about his priorities and values, he realizes that he only wants me by his side... and then knowing there was live bait "a temptation" in a certain spot, instead of walking away, taking our daughter to a different area or whatever... he gave into his impulse to lust after this woman when he could have easily taken himself out of the situation to avoid it altogether. He had a choice and he made it, he decided to stay and ogle, instead of leave, because you can only fight your true feelings for so long, which is what I've been getting at for months with him. He broke down emotionally as he was telling me all this, saying how it made him think, reflect and figure out "what is it that he values and wants" and all he kept coming up with is that he wants me. I don't believe that though like I said he had options but chose to give into his urges instead. He said he was overcome with so many feelings of guilt, shame, etc, including those he brought up last night, of just how difficult it must have been for me over the years and how he is surprised that I did not snap earlier. He's right, honestly, I don't know how I didn't snap earlier - I do recall plenty of self-talk sessions "you deserve a man who wants you, why the hell are you still in this one-sided relationship?" "why are you with someone who would look right through you, just to look at another woman's ass?" -- I guess, like many on here, I felt trapped by circumstances and I know it's not an "excuse" but, it is how I felt. I will say this again though, I do appreciate him being honest and coming clean about this, he did say he was considering not telling me the details, but only mentioning that he had a slip, but because of all the intense feelings that came over him after-the-fact, he knew he had to tell me. He also said that he does not want our girls to fall victim or be stuck the way that I was for so many years, he wants to show them how a man should treat a woman and that he is trying to be a good example these days, I hope he takes that very seriously. However, it does not make learning this any less painful. I still wish he would really take the time needed to think, long and hard about this, because I think he is in deep denial and holding onto this wonderful connection we share, but it is not enough, I NEED to feel desired and wanted. I need to feel secure in order to feel a sense of stability and safety in my relationship/life... and I know "looks aren't everything" and "everyone ages" but you need that part in order first, so the connection can grow past it -- for example, I thought we had a really connecting moment last night, we even tried something new and exciting... but even that couldn't stop the beast from taking over the man, so what hope do I have in 5-10 years as I age?

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kept my focus on my book, even with plenty of triggers and oglers around me.

#Relationships
Matthew Hussey: Find Lasting Love with Lewis Howes


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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 524: 7/07/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Solitude.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he wanted to give me a back rub and as he did that, he talked more about his ogling incident and although he acted out, it forced him to have another reality check, to rethink things and realize that he didn't feel any gratification or pleasure after what he did, instead he felt remorse, shame, guilt, etc., and those feelings confirmed to him just how much he does not want to be that guy anymore and only wants me [but, then why give into the temptation when there were other options?]. Then he heard me out and my thoughts on the matter. Of course, he validated my feelings and understood where my hurt was coming from, but he also gave me his perspective and was really vulnerable about it. He told me that even after all this, he would have still told me the truth because he is proud of the fact that throughout all this, he has remained honest with me, no matter what that truth is or results in.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Exercise Your Freedom To Be Yourself”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer encourages us to exercise your freedom to be yourself. Remember, to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

This morning, I walked alone, Wade went fishing with my dad. It was a good thing, I needed the solitude and chance to collect my thoughts from recent events. During my walk, for the first round, I did not listen to anything but the nature around me, chatted with Wade a little on messenger because he was feeling anxiety again. I am glad that no matter how either of us is feeling, we both know we can count on each other/lean on each other for anything. Walking alone helped me process and breakdown, for myself, my own thoughts and perceptions of the incident and conversation that followed from yesterday. How I feel about it is still complicated, on the one hand I really praise Wade for being honest with me about it and I rank that trait above all else, on the other hand, I'm hurt that it happened at all (after a few months of him telling me that he no longer even has urges or those butterflies/pull to ogle, only that he notices someone attractive and that's where it stops) therefore it makes me again question what he truly wants because I do not think it is me. So, here comes my own internal dialogue/perspective/rant if you will... I think he likes the connection and the idea of "us", but when it comes to pure physical attraction - I just don't cut it when it comes to his true physical desire and the attributes he prefers on a woman. I am not who truly gets his blood pumping unless of course, we are alone and at that point, he has no other choice. I simply do not believe he acted out only because he was tired (he did not appear tired at all that morning, he was in the middle of running after our daughter and playing on his phone, it's not like he was sitting still and zoning out, half asleep... he was wide awake, completely aware enough to recognize a woman he found attractive numerous times as they bumped into each other, he knew where she was standing/bending over or whatever and instead of walking in another direction to avert that temptation and remove himself of any risk of acting out, he decided to just go for it and ogle, with full awareness and intent, so I believe there's more "there-there"). He was tired before, staying up after working all night and it didn't happen then, so... anyway, I was getting frustrated the more I thought about it, then a pack of frat boys ran across from me and a few of them started smiling at me, even though they didn't do the same to the younger looking woman who was ahead of me. I have to say, at that moment, with all the shitty thoughts I was thinking and emotions I was feeling... it felt nice and gave me a little pep in my step that younger more 'wholesome' looking guys noticed me (I guess found me attractive) and not just the pervy usual oglers, they ran across from me about 4 times and repeated the same (they were either running fast or I was walking slow, who knows lol), it was my first time seeing them there. It just got me thinking (again/still), that at the end of the day - it's okay if I'm not physically enough for Wade, I would honestly be okay with that because I believe that he should be happy, even if it is with someone else, but someone who he truly desires. Same goes for me, of course, I would love to be Wade's "it girl" but let's face it, it is highly doubtful that is the case in our situation [I believe he has convinced himself at this point]. I love him to death, I've never been this connected to anyone before in my entire life and I would give anything to feel that desires/want from him, but just because it is something I want badly, does mean it will happen because relationships and feelings are two way streets. So, if it is not Wade, I know that there has to be someone out there to whom I would be their everything, the yin to their yang. I would be exactly what he was looking for in a partner - what his heart [and other parts] desire both mentally and physically! where I would be his priority and no matter if there are 10 swimsuit models near us, I'd know in my gut, that it doesn't matter because he only wants, desires and has his full attention on me. Truth is, I want someone who doesn't have to fight himself 24/7 to stay in control of his urges not to be tempted to ogle other women because he knows he has me and that is more than enough for him, I am more than enough for him. Someone who is so satisfied with what he has with me, that even if someone more beautiful, sexier, etc., is around, he'll notice her but he just won't care, her being there will just a mere 'meh' to him because his attraction/bond to me is so strong that he doesn't even flinch, get nervous or antsy by her presence or need to have an internal dialogue to convince himself; not to look or remind himself that he's a married man and wants a happy life with his wife and that he should only have eyes for his wife... because there would be no need for any of that because on reflex he already knows/feels - that no one else matters and if no one else truly matters, lusting after others is just no longer a thing because those other women have become that insignificant to him, whether I am near him at the moment or not - which is exactly the way I am and have been this entire relationship.

Then I listened to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong", where she went over some good points as usual so far, from what I've read today, my major takeaways were: "Falling down, screwing up and facing hurt, often lead to bouts of second-guessing our judgment, our self-trust, and even our worthiness. I am enough, can slowly turn into, 'am I really enough?' - if there is one thing I learned over the past decade, it's that fear and scarcity, immediately trigger comparison. Even pain and hurt are not immune..." kind of gave me pause as I pondered, perhaps after all those years of bottling up, because I finally began facing all of my hurt and pain of his PA and ogling (as I began my self-care journey/healing...) that sentence right there, sums up why I probably developed triggers, when pre-recovery, I was numb to it all and those women, nor he - no longer phased me. And "A lot of times, when I'm planning payback or rehearsing a conversation where I'm being super mean or trying to make someone feel bad, I'm normally not mad, I'm hurt and feeling uncomfortably vulnerable or in shame." Also, "what is the 'rising strong reckoning', it is when you are able to get vulnerable and honest with yourself and face whatever situation you are in by 1) Engaging with our feelings and 2) Getting curious about the story behind our feelings, what emotions we're experiencing and how they are connected to our thoughts and behaviors".

In the afternoon we took the kids to the pool, then once we got home the little one wanted to take a nap. This gave us the opportunity to go out on the balcony and talk for a little bit. At first, we started with some small talk about how annoying my brother and his wife is, then we moved on to the pressing issues at hand, again... the incident and aftermath. As much as I empathize with how guilty and ashamed he feels, I still have an unsettled feeling. This isn't something new, I've been mentioning this to him for a while, however, an incident like this just proves to us both that, maybe I do have a point. The feelings that I've been having, come and go in waves, it's not a trigger kind of feeling but just emotions/thoughts running in and out of my system, where one hour I'm okay and the next I feel overwhelmed by it all.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
A group of [what looked like] frat boys were running and we kept "bumping into each other" as we were going in opposite directions, they kept smiling at me, made me feel like I was attractive and young again.

#Relationships
How To Find Your Life Partner & Build A $1 Billion Empire


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 525: 7/08/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we went out on the balcony for our usual chat, we ended up talking for over two hours without noticing how the time flew. He made his points, I made mine, the same topic as the night before (recent ogling incident) so I will not repeat it all again. Although we do not agree with each other's perceptions, both of us understand where the other is coming from and do empathize -- for him, all of his mistakes are like new experiences (seeing them from his post-recovery eyes) and feels like with each mistake, he can learn from it and change for next time. Most of the time, yes, he does change his ways, but there are some things that he has repeated, not exactly like the last time but still acting out selfishly just in different situations. For me, those mistakes, they are not new at all. They are the same old behaviors, painful reminders of my miserable past, which also triggers my fears, insecurity, uncertainty and cause me to question my choices again ... so how we perceive/approach/react and handle each mistake or issue is just different, two sides, but of the same coin. I will say though, so far, I can say with confidence that because of his consistency in telling me everything (even when it works against him) I can safely say that as of today, I can trust that he is being honest with me, which is something I hold above all else. How can I be so sure that isn't just manipulating me? because that's what my gut says. I am also happy we can talk about this or anything, that no matter how uncomfortable the subject, especially for me - I am glad to finally have someone I can share with, to get all of this out, because keeping it burning inside like I used to, well that shit was slowly killing me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Never Give Up On Your Goals: Slow Progress Is Still Progress”, in this episode, we're reminded that slow progress is still progress. Never give up on your goals. Remember, never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow... even if that someone is yourself!

This morning, before we left we finished listening to "How To Find Your Life Partner & Build A $1 Billion Empire!" an interview with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu, where they take you behind the scenes of their relationship - both love and business. Then we dropped off our little one at daycare for the day because it was raining and headed to the mall for our walk. We listened to an episode of BEA, "Why Does It Feel Right To Watch Their Every Move But It Is Not Helpful". They empathize with the betrayed's need for feeling safe and assuming that the only way to feel safe again is to have full control/monitoring of her husband's recovery, but unfortunately more often than not that backfires. It is understandable that when the addicted has betrayed so many times, lied over and over - how can the one who was hurt NOT watch every move just to make sure that they won't get hurt yet again? It is the first instinct, but in the long run it not helpful to the addict, nor the betrayed and not for the relationship either. This episode opened up a good conversation for Wade and me, something that recent BAE episodes have not been able to do, so it was nice. We both agree that the betrayed has to give a little trust and let him run his own recovery. That is the only true test of whether or not he is serious about change and doing it for the right reasons: himself. If the recovering addict is doing it for any other reason (not himself) he will be stuck in sobriety (acting like a dry drunk) and checking boxes, but just enough boxes to keep his partner happy and at bay, but still always looking for any loopholes, which will surely lead him back into addiction. As for her, she will always remain stuck in her fear cycle because she will become so dependant on being a 24/7 monitor, that if/when she does give him some "freedom" back, she won't know if she can trust her gut anymore because she has been relying on apps, devices, software, etc., so when she has to give back some of that control, she will constantly worry and question everything, wanting to keep going back and snoop "just in case" because she hasn't learned to trust him to work his own recovery and she has lost trust in herself too. At the end of the day, if there is a will there is a way -- on both ends: if he is ready to really change, he will pursue recovery seriously and actually enjoy the process, without her having to crack the whip or if he is not ready and is only trying to get her off his back, he will continue to check boxes, until he finds a new way to access his addiction until the next time he gets caught. Wade's hip began to hurt, so I made another round myself, as I walked alone I continued listening to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong", it's an awesome book, some quotes that got to me today: "When I feel shame, sometimes my body's response is the first clue that I am being hijacked by emotion, I can get tunnel vision and heart races...", "When we suppress and diminish our emotions, we feel deprived, so we watch movies or so-called reality shows, we seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulation to feel something, anything...", how powerful was that last one? we can replace "movies or reality tv shows" with pretty much anything these days, P, SM, Gaming, etc. After my round, we decided to go have a lunch date, where we continued our discussion about the BAE podcast and after the last few days, it was a win of a morning for us.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling at ease [emotionally] today.

#Motivational
Slow Progress Towards Your Goals Is Never A Reason To Give Up


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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you

 

DAY 526: 7/09/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had another talk that lasted quite long, same subject but this time it was more reflective and both of us were in a better place, overall. Talking helps, especially once my emotions have cooled down a bit. Afterward, we watched some TV and headed to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Be A Happier Person”, in this episode, Charlie From Charisma On Command talks about how to be a happier person. His tips are to create space for subconscious problem-solving and practicing gratitude towards yourself and others. Remember, if you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled.

This morning, we listened to a great an inspiring Impact Theory "Secrets to Gaining Awareness from Failure", where Tom interviews Tim Storey. Tim, also known as the “Comeback Coach”, helps others overcome any setback. His advice has been invaluable to such celebrities as Kanye West, Robert Downey Jr., Vidal Sassoon, and Lee Iacocca. In this episode, he shares his stories of resilience and resurgence, he illustrates how action and hard work forge wisdom, peace, and genuine success. The two best takeaway quotes for me were: "The key is not to try to become the person you used to be. A comeback is not a go-back..." and "You may not be who you want to be but thank God you are not who you used to be". Then during our walk (and ride back home), we listened to and discussed BAE's podcast "Am I in an Abusive Relationship?", where they go over different variations of abuse in a relationship, from physical, emotional, mental - minor or major. They also try to breakdown the different scales of abuse and what falls into that category or not. Although Wade and I didn't agree with everything they were saying towards the end, like when the question was asked "if you watch porn, does that mean you are abusing your partner?" and they skirted the issue and kind of said no -- but I couldn't help notice Ashlynn was silent the whole time. Why does this podcast exist after all? because Coby played the violin too loud for years? umm no, it is because he had a porn addiction with consequences not only for him but for her as well, which nearly destroyed their marriage and caused betrayal trauma, which means what? she was emotionally abused for years... I was so confused by their responses from that point on, anyway overall this one was okay. I also read some more of Brene's book, can't praise it enough.

During our walk we had a little incident again, someone I don't think I normally would have been triggered by but because Wade acted weirdly at the time, his behavior triggered me. He then got defensive and that made things worse for me. Later on, he apologized and we moved on.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Really enjoyed being able to have a walking streak again.

#Motivational
3 Ways To Be a Little Happier Every Day


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 527: 7/10/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Still being able to wake up with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke out on the balcony as we have been, then we went inside and Wade gave me a beautiful mani/pedi. He helped pick out this gorgeous teal/sea blue color, which is not something I usually would use, but it came out so nice. It has been really fun trying out new colors, with his help, of course, lol because leaving it up to me, it would always be dark red. I really do appreciate him doing this for me, I know it is not easy and sitting hunched over hurts too, so I thank him, a lot - in the past, he wouldn't even notice my nails, let alone color them.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Stop Negative Thoughts”, in this episode, we listen in as Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul talks with Oprah Winfrey about how to stop negative thoughts. Remember, don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.

This morning, Wade fished and I walked a few rounds myself, I listened to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong", while also going back and forth with my friend who was supposed to come over, later in the day, who was dealing with a lot of issues - especially relationship ones. We went to cool off at the pool for a few hours after we came back home and did something crazy... he and I, together - opened up to her about his PA and my betrayal trauma. She didn't get a one-sided story from me, but both his and mine. We both tried to help her rationalize her own issues and figure out, what is it that she wants, for herself and if she really wants to stay in her own marriage. This was the first time Wade and I have disclosed this bombshell to a third party who has known us both, knows our family and was under the impression that everything was always "picture perfect". When Wade mentioned we were on the brink of splitting up, her face came over with total shock. I'm not surprised, I did devote a lot of time and energy to keeping up appearances. It did feel a bit liberating for me and I think it did for him too, just talking about it with someone on the outside, maybe even using our story to perhaps help her... I think we're going to have a lot to talk about tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Opened up about my pain, our struggle to my friend.

#Motivational
Secrets to Gaining Awareness from Failure


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
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DAY 528: 7/11/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, Wade and I discussed how good it actually felt, to tell our story - together, to a third party. So that person heard it from us both, not a one-sided version, we supported each other and filled in blanks for the other when needed, etc. We felt very connected and it was a nice evening for us, I would even say a big step forward in our recoveries.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Make Your Life Easier”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer talks with us about ways to make your life easier. Remember, your life only gets better when you get better.

This morning, we started listening to Impact Theory, "If You Feel Fear or Anxiety, Listen to This", an episode where Tom interview's Trent Shelton a former NFL wide receiver and current champion social media influencer. Trent shares deeply personal stories from his own life, his own fears, and his own failures. He explains how you can use your fears, your failures and your life experiences to live (not find) your true purpose. He also talks about why it’s important to move towards things that scare you, he explains how he helps people face reality, he discusses vulnerability and authenticity, explains exactly what he thinks fear is, illuminates the difference between what you want and where you thrive and how suppression leads to depression. I know Wade finished listening to it himself, so I will finish it tomorrow. We went on a quick walk together because he had a doctors appointment to get to, on the way to the walk I was triggered and my mood shifted. We talked about that during the walk and how dealing with all of this is just such an exhausting process. Then he went to his appointment and I was home with the girls all day, my parents stopped by and my dad talked for what seemed like hours without pausing to take a breath. By the time he left, I had to take some Advil and lay down for a nap.

Wade came home and hugging him was so soothing... he also brought my some of my favorite turn your frown upside down food, which always helps lol which I appreciated very much. Then my parents came over again and the headache came right back.

Tomorrow my brother and his wife come for a visit, sigh... I hope I survive the week. Thank goodness that I have Wade now, to talk to AND literally home with me, what a relief.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My shorts looked and felt good.

#Motivational
Wayne Dyer - Ways to Make Your Life Easier


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
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