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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you :)
     
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 501: 6/14/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Freelance work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we ended up having a wonderful evening out, even with a few bumps at the start (triggers). The dinner out was lovely, we had a good conversation, the food was great, the atmosphere, etc. I had finished all of my work earlier, so the rest of the night was all cleared out for him and I, for continued celebration and fun, once the kids were in bed. We put the little one down first, then my dad called me and asked if I could stop by and fix a computer problem, on my way out, Wade went into our 11-year-olds bedroom to talk to her because she hasn't been keeping up with her responsibilities, etc (nothing new). By the time I got back, they were still both in her room, the door was closed, so I figured he was giving her another lecture, so I went into our bedroom to wait for him to get done, so we can go out for our nightly talk. He finally emerged and we went, then he revealed to me that he had decided to get 'vulnerable' with her, to be 'honest' with her because he felt she was showing addictive behaviors (to her phone/computer) and playing the victim and told her about his PA and how close we were to divorce (how bad it had gotten, but "it's okay, don't worry, cause now it's all better!") WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST, GETTING MY OKAY, MAYBE TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT TOGETHER, WITHOUT, WITHOUT ME BEING READY TO DISCLOSE THIS TO HER or ANYONE for that matter. She is OUR DAUGHTER and he took it upon HIMSELF to decide it was "the right time" to tell this very adult thing, to a very emotionally immature 11-year-old, with the biggest mouth, but he tells me don't worry she promised not to tell anyone. She tells my mother (who knows nothing about this) everything, more than she tells us, sometimes she blurts things out and not on purpose, then forgets she had even mentioned it - but my mom, oh, she remembers and then brings it right up to me. I feel betrayed, hurt, at a loss for words, I don't know how to feel, so much shame, resentment, rage, it's a mixed bag of shit and what makes matters worse is that I was trying my fucking hardest to keep my kids out of this bullshit for a fucking reason and now I have to look her in the eyes every day and know, that now, she knows. Not to mention, every single day now, I will be on edge, wondering "is this the day my mom will bring it up?" "has she told her?" "does she know yet"? I am going to be living a miserable existence, yet again. The kicker? he's so sweet, he says "it's okay if you're mom brings it up, we'll deal with it together" oh, how cute, now we'll deal with it together... right. I am enraged, I'm still proud that he has gone 500 days without PM, but what he did to me last night, to our daughter, our 11-YEAR-OLD emotionally immature blabber mouth daughter, that is just, well, fucking unbelievable, it takes the cake really - all my years of protecting them for it to be wiped out in a 10 minute talk. The repercussions to this could be longlasting.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “10 Reasons To Ignore What Other People Think Of You”, in this episode, we get 10 really good reasons to completely ignore what other people think of you. Remember, sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them.

    This morning, my client sent me a ton of work and will keep me busy for a few days... I also need some time to sort through my feelings about all this too, so I might go dark for a few days.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Working, it will keep me busy.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    10 Reasons To Ignore What Other People Think Of You



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Wow. I would be livid too. This is not something that should have been discussed without the two of you deciding together. Even my 19 year old had difficulty absorbing the news of her father's addiction and holding it in would have destroyed her. She HAD to tell someone and confided in her closest friends. We didn't feel was fair to lay that kind of thing on her and expect her to not have someone to talk to about it besides us. I'm sorry this is how it things worked out.
     
    hope4healing and Jagliana like this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I'm still in the shock and awe phase.
     
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    1,119
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    I'm speechless.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Oh, me too... my brain is fried, for once I'm happy to be swamped with work.
     
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 504: 6/17/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Calm & Rationale.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I spent hours completing my job - the client asked for extra, so I had more work than initially intended. I finished late and Wade, even though he was in pain himself, gave me a nice back rub to alleviate my severe lower back pain, which I appreciated. The last few days have been full of emotional roller coasters and talks. At the moment I don't know what's what or what to make of the mush that is going on in my head, I'm still mulling it all over as it changes from moment to moment. I'm trying to make sense of it all and it's tough because I feel betrayed like trust was shaken after all we've been trying to build (rebuild) for so many months but it is not the same kind of 'broken trust' as PA related incident would have stung me. I feel blindsided, hurt, confused - on a whole different scale/level. Scared that it will get back to my parents, for the same reason I never wanted my daughter to know that we had an impending separation (until he began taking recovery seriously)... I was protecting him and myself from everything (judgment, shame, unwanted opinions/suggestions) and it is like he unraveled all my hard work of trying to keep our mess, between the two of us and now I am left with this gut-wrenching and consistent feeling for uncertainty, something I am not a fan of. It's such a weird place to be in...

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “A Valuable Lesson On The Power Of Persistence”, in this episode, we get a valuable lesson on the power of persistence. Remember, success is not the absence of failure. It is persisting through it.

    This morning, the mood was better and that feeling of calm lasted throughout the day. We listened to and discussed Relationship Theory's "Housewife vs. Breadwinner", where Lisa and Tom discuss how couples can better manage their money as a team. They also added an interesting "would you rather" segment, the first question was "Would you rather your marriage end due to your partner's death or divorce?" this opened up and interesting back and forth for Wade and I. My answer matched Lisa's and his matched Tom's, but my reasoning was different than hers, I think I explained it well to him. We've been spending the last few days breaking down and discussing what he did and he realizes just how big of a mistake it was for him to tell our daughter what he did and just how much ramifications can come off of a 10-minute confession. I feel like it was easier to talk about it today, then it has been the last few days, but as I've mentioned my emotions have been all over the place on this, so I never really know when my switch will be flipped.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Spoke my truth, even when I wanted to bottle up instead.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Housewife vs. Breadwinner



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 505: 6/18/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he pampered me salon style, colored and blow dried my really-really long hair and boy do I appreciate it so much, I use to do it all myself and it was so exhausting. It came out looking fabulous and something like this costs about $150 at the salon for my hair length. He was full of compliments about my hair after a job well done (his job lol) and it's funny because in the past, he barely even noticed and these days he is very protective over my hair (it's quite funny actually). Then we watched the movie "Date Night", we watched it a long time ago, but this time it was like looking into a mirror of what our own relationship was like for over a decade - it was still funny, but so surreal. Then we talked a little out on the balcony and headed to bed shortly after.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Changing Your Thinking Changes Your Life”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer tells us how changing your thinking changes your life. Remember, act the way you want to be and soon you will be the way you act.

    This morning, it was muggy and raining so we went to the mall for our daily walk and talk. We listened to Relationship Theory's "How to Survive the Holidays with Your In-Laws" which was another conversation opening session for us. We both really like the "would you rather" addition to their show, we let them ask their question, pause, both answer too and then discuss our own answers, then play to listen to theirs. How our answers to these questions have changed pre-recovery versus post recovery. They also dive into how to deal with in-laws and family, when you do not get along with them but must associate with them during social gatherings and how to make it as painless as possible.

    I still feel like internally I am on shaky grounds, I am still upset about what he did. I am glad he finally does realize why it was wrong and such a big deal. Having said that, I think our connection has gotten better than it was a few days ago, even if I'm in and out at times, as it varies for me/my brain is weird like that.

    For dinner time, Wade made yummy porcupine meatballs and also decided to add "what are you grateful for?", in addition to our high's and low's, which was a fun implementation. While he was setting up for dinner, my parents just waltz in, they see our girls carrying out plates onto the balcony and my mom has this surprised look on her face and goes "did you guys not eat yet?" and I'm like "no, we are about to sit down and eat". I am so exhausted with this already, how many times do I have to have the same fucking conversation with them? and how is it that no matter what, I always come out looking like the asshole. Countless times now, I've mentioned to her that she should CALL first and then I can let her know whether or not we've eaten yet/when is a good time to stop by (after dinner). I've explained that family dinner is important to us, because it is something we never used to do and it allows us to connect as a family, it's our time. Every time she says "I understand, I will". Then, she calls ahead for a few days and sure enough stops, then it's back to them just dropping in. The frustrating part is, they come in and see we are about to eat (so, busy) then my dad gets annoyed because he is being "ignored" by us... so he throws a tantrum and bolts, my mom just sits there and waits for us to finish eating, then when she has me alone, complains that my "dad" (I'm sure she is speaking for the both of them) feels like when they come over, we ignore him/them, we don't want them here, they bother us etc. This time, they sat down and my dad began telling me about his ailments for the day, but the girls started calling me to come to the dinner table, so I got up and as I did I offered to turn on something for them on the TV and they said "no, it's fine". They just sat there, I went out and sat down before Wade sat down I asked him to again go offer to turn something on for them - but he comes back and tells me "they're gone", which means 110% they got upset that we all went to have dinner. So, I can predict that within the next day or two, I'll get the same lecture from my mom about how they feel like they don't feel like we want them around and blah, blah, blah - where I will AGAIN, respond with, WELL if you would just call ahead like I keep asking you to do, I could tell you to come when we are done eating and then he can sit and chew my ears off for three hours in peace, without feeling like we are ignoring him. I love them to death, but they just refuse to stick to boundaries and somehow, without fail they always have me feeling guilty, ashamed, like it's all my fault, like I am a bad daughter and a huge asshole to boot - every, damn time.

    Phew, sorry, had to get that shit off my chest.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: My hair looked awesome today, thank you @Wade W. Wilson.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Stop Yourself From Acting Crazy



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    properWood and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 506: 6/19/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we sat out on the balcony and I let out some frustration about the earlier situation with my parents. Then we rewatched "Don Jon" (a very triggering movie about a guy who struggles with porn addiction, but it shows his addiction and how bad it was, therefore it includes some flashes of P clips, references to P sites, etc., I DO NOT recommend watching unless you are in solid recovery and are no longer triggered by the imagery). I had mentioned the movie earlier in the day and referenced it as the "PA" movie and he looked shocked and said "you're right, I never even thought about it, I'd love to rewatch it now", so that's exactly what we did. At first, both of us were nervous, I was worried it might trigger him and cause a possible relapse and he was worried it could trigger me, by reminding me of ... well, everything, in the end, both of us really enjoyed what ended up being a very thought-provoking, reflective movie. It was like looking in the mirror for us both, from the PA perspective and later his GF's discoveries flashed me right back to my own. This description from one of the stars really explains this movie in a nutshell, so I will just quote her here and link to the full article for those interested.

    “I had the script and somebody said, ‘Oh, Joe Gordon-Levitt wrote this script and it’s about porn,’ and I was like, ‘Ugh, OK,’” recalled actress Julianne Moore. She plays the off-kilter and straight-talking Esther, who becomes Jon’s unlikely friend. “And I started reading it, and I looked up halfway through, and I said [to my husband], ‘This isn’t about porn. This is amazing.’ Really, it’s a movie about intimacy to me. I found it really surprising, really touching, very, very funny, very original and I was completely taken with it.”

    In some ways, that disconnect between how the movie has been perceived and the true nature of the film couldn’t be more appropriate. While Jon does indeed have an addiction to pornography, his real problem is that he is a victim of artifice — he has fooled himself into believing the raunchy fantasy can be real, and true life can never live up. As his foil, Barbara, too, has it all wrong. A romantic-comedy aficionado, she believes that if a man truly loves a woman, he should give up everything to be with her, just like in the movies. Anything less isn’t worth her time. [FULL ARTICLE HERE]

    It opened up a very good discussion for us, throughout the movie and for an hour after.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Build Confidence And Self Esteem”, in this episode, Mel Robbins talks about how to build confidence and self-esteem. Remember, what you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.

    This morning, we began listening to Relationship Theory's "She Wanted Roses On Valentines Day, But When She Got Them…" where Tom and Lisa discuss how to set expectations in your relationship and what to do when they aren’t met. Then when we got to the mall, we planned on continuing the video but instead we continued talking about the movie from last night, yes it was that impactful, especially for Wade and he felt like he was reliving his nightmare and mine, but now actually feels the differences... especially because he has intimacy, connection and does lose himself, in me - these days, his void gets filled, not by P, but by me (and vice-versa). Once we got home, we had lunch and finished listening to the Relationship Theory episode and enjoyed another session of "would you rather".

    The evening was both overwhelming and draining for various reasons... he wanted to go meet a friend in the City, I told him it was fine but because of some choices he made throughout the day, I was stuck in mental drainage with the kids (and my parents) for way longer than expected. Although he did try to soften the blow (for himself I'm guessing) by giving me numerous compliments on how great I am throughout the day, and that sucking up didn't get lost on me, since motive is everything. The little one was extra cranky today for no apparent reason, which just made things a lot more difficult for me. Then my parents stopped by and once they became aware of the fact that Wade was going to be out, they took that as an excuse to stay for almost 4 hours, 3 of which I listened to my father complaining about everything from his teeth all the way to the current political environment in this country and others... without a pause. I thought when he left, my mom would go with him, but nope, she stayed, which prompted his return shortly after he left... they both stayed until I said I had to give my little one a bath before bedtime. I had zero peace from the moment the kids got home from school... all of the noise was driving me insane, to the point where I had to take meds after they left. Throughout all that, Wade kept informing me of his whereabouts and that he is not getting triggered (yet), which was nice of him but the thing is he kept telling me that was still stuck in traffic, only irritating me further due to the chaos/noise I was enduring at home because I knew what that meant for me, it meant that his 'evening out' was going to start way later than planned, therefore it would end later too. Once he finally got to the location, he called me through video chat to show me who he was with and to show me the large tables they had there. During the call, I ended up seeing a triggering waitress pass behind him, she was wearing what appeared to be a corset looking top; white and blue with checkers (appeared quite cleavagey) - I'm guessing the establishment's uniform, I think he picked up on that because he was moving the phone up and down a lot, to the point where our four year old kept saying "I only see your head, Papa" and then he ended the call right after she passed, which I'm sure was just a pure coincidence... o_O. They picked a German bar which I know they are known for beer, lots of various exotic beers, I have a feeling he'll drink more than he told me he would, which means he will most likely "slip" a whole lot of those cleavagey waitresses ("on accident of course" :rolleyes:) and then also drive home in that condition. Also, coincidently, since we hung up, I have not heard from him until he was already on his way home, then again with so many boobs in his face, I'm sure he was preoccupied. Last time when he was out with a friend, he sent me a few messages but that place was empty. I'm sure he could have told his friend to go to an old school bar with a bunch of old men, without hooters like waitresses... but he chooses not to do that, which of course was his prerogative. I am almost certain though, he'll say he didn't slip, didn't have urges and didn't even notice the boobs in his face. I think next time, I rather he not video call me or call me at all, I rather he just leave and then I see him when he gets back, it's less stressful that way.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how soft and silky my hair still feels.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Mel Robbins The Skill of Confidence & How to Take Control of Your Mind!



    ---------------------------------------------------
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    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 507: 6/20/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Pre-K Graduation.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we discussed how I felt his behavior in the second part of the day was selfish and also his outing to the City with his friend, why I ended up getting triggered and how my whole evening unfolded. Maybe I gave myself too much credit and thought I was ready for it when I'm still not, because I had a whole different picture in my head, I mentally prepared myself for the older trigger (location/city) and then I assumed they were going to go to some old school low key bar, for a few drinks where there would be a bunch of old dudes, you know to 'catch up'. Turned out they went to a themed bar, with women in German corsets and mini skirts serving them food and beers and then he wants me to "have a little faith in him" that he did not slip on those chicks prancing around him, because he was too busy focusing on his male friend and being aware of his surroundings... and he wants me to really understand that he only "wants me", so I should know better! What's funny is he kept repeating "I just wanted to get the drinks/dinner over with and get home to you"... then why did he schedule it and go at all if it was that meaningless to him in the first place? hmm. ** roll eyes ** I just can't, it does not make any logical sense to me, period.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing Self Awareness”, in this episode, Jay Shetty talks with us about developing self-awareness skills for a happier, healthier life. Remember, detachment is not that you own nothing, detachment is that nothing owns you.

    This morning, before we left the house we talked about last night but then we had to leave as it was our little one's Pre-K moving up ceremony (aka graduation) and it was adorable, even though I was in a shitty, triggered mood, I was still proud of my little munchkin, she looked so adorable. It really sucked that I couldn't fully enjoy this milestone because I couldn't be fully present (mentally). Even the teacher asked me what was wrong, I didn't realize it was that obvious, usually, I am better with covering my emotions, but everything was extra irritating and I felt like I was there with Wade, but really I was there alone, just like in the past, he was checked out - so all I wanted to do, was get some pics and get out - which makes me feel like a shitty mom, full of shame, guilt, conflicted and just horrible. When we got home, he kept telling me that he is aware I'm not in the mood to hear it but he thinks I was looking sexy. I wasn't in the mood to hear it, truthfully I don't even know whether or not he truly means it, because I don't know if he is just trying to butter me up after what has occurred. Then we spent more time talking about the events of last night and how he believes it's more of a mindset that I need to change, if only I look at it differently, perhaps be open to the prospect that he is changing and maybe he is telling me the truth, that now he only has eyes for me. I have years that prove otherwise; with him, I also know that men are men -- so if a half-naked hot chick is prancing her merry ass in front of him, his instinct is going to be to look, especially if it is someone he finds attractive. I told him, I do not think that I will ever get to a point where I will believe that I am all he wants, especially as I get older, I'm not delusional. I think he is going to grow resentful of my triggers eventually and I don't know if living like this, for either of us - is really "living", yeah when it's good, it feels awesome, but with so many ups and downs, it's extremely draining and exhausting. He tells me how do I know if it will be any different with anyone else, well, I don't - what I do know is, whoever is attracted to me right now, would be meeting me as I am, in my current state, age, flaws and all and that's a fact. He met me in my 'hay day' and then spent over a decade slowly deconstructing any self-esteem that I had built by the time we met, that destruction was only made worse with self-loathing thoughts I developed as I tried to explain away and make sense of why my husband was always so much more interested in other women, which only got louder and harsher the more I changed, aged and had his babies - so, how on earth would any of that change if we add another 10 years to my age? he thinks the connection will do the trick, but unfortunately, we do not have enough safety and security to build on that (especially with constant setbacks) in order to catch up with my aging process. It is so difficult for me to explain it and people reading may think I'm overthinking or that it does not make sense, but to me it does. I feel like to him, I will never-ever compare to those primes because he has had so many years to compare what he DOES NOT HAVE, with the crap he does have (me!), so no matter what -- they will always be whom he wants/desires and I'm just always going to be his second pick, the ugly, fat, pathetic idiot he's stuck with because 1) he can't have the kind of women he really wants and 2) we have kids together, so he is stuck, 3) its convenient to just stick with me at this point. I'm so fucking sad, angry and depressed right now, it's ridiculous - I don't know what to make of it.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my new boots paired with my jeans.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Dan Pardi on Health Theory - How to Get The Most From Your Sleep Cycle



    Husband Checks Out Other Girls, Forgets How Beautiful His Wife Is


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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  11. This makes a lot of sense to me and probably many other SO's in our position. It's so difficult to believe that I will ever be 'enough' for him from now on when I was never enough 10, 15, 20 years ago when I was much younger and not so emotionally broken. Now, I not only have age working against me, but I also have all the pain and sadness and fears from years of betrayal trauma. How am I ever supposed to feel like I'm the "only one" like this?
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Exactly, I thought my breakdown would sound incoherent, I'm glad I am not alone in these thoughts, I just wish we didn't have to live with them either.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  13. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Makes total sense to me and to many who have been in your shoes. LOL - wait until you get to my age. Sadly, we grow old, but they never grow up! I remember the exact moment when I understood, really understood, that the morning I woke up old enough to get a drivers license, I was too old for my 64 year old husband. But don't worry - they reserve for us alone that special love they only feel for the woman who happens to provide the creature comforts of home and family and convenience. We should consider ourselves fortunate! Especially if they somehow find the courtesy to wait until we're not around to ogle the ones they really want to fuck. Guess I'm feeling a bit sad, angry and depressed right now, too!
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    There are not enough coping tools in the world sometimes ... I wish there were. These up's and down's are the pits!
     
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.
  15. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    You are not crap. You are not ugly, and you are certainly not fat, pathetic or an idiot.

    Anyone on here can tell without ever meeting you that you are a beautiful, kind, patient amazing women and your children are so lucky to have an amazing mommy like you.

    You are not alone, everything here is with you and your struggles.

    You are in my prayers.
     
    hope4healing and Jagliana like this.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes it is difficult to believe when someone spends over a decade watching the one person who they want to look at them with a sparkle in their eyes... only have it for others. It really warps one's perception, especially of themselves, you know? but thank you.
     
  17. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    I can only imagine how much that would hurt and affect your self image and I'm so sorry that you (and other SOs) are made to feel like this.

    I like to think that deep down you all know what your worth - you really are truly special people and the ones you share your life cannot even contemplate how privileged they are to be with you.

    So please don't ever put yourself down! You are not competing with the women in those videos or anyone your partner looks at because there is no comparison! It's just that this addiction is a deeply rooted problem which isn't easy to master.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  18. This is the really hard part to get past. After breaking up with my ex-PA, my goal for any future relationship (if brave or stupid enough to have one, ha!) was/is to find someone who wants ME and loves ME, not just what I do for them. I want to be seen and appreciated for who and what I am, not just how I make your life easier or more comfortable, physically or emotionally. Seen as special. Loved, honored, and cherished. Is that really so much to ask?!?! Especially when that’s what I offer so freely? Ugh. Sorry. I just so totally feel your pain as most if not all the SOs do. No one should ever feel second best (or lower) in their own relationship.
     
    Lostneverland, Susannah and Jagliana like this.
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 508: 6/21/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, because we spent the whole day (at various times) talking and getting our grievances out, Wade said he wanted to give me a back rub, minus the talking, so he told me to just turn on some relaxing music and enjoy - so that's what I did and it was much needed/soothing for me. Afterward, we watched some TV to decompress and went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Having A Morning Routine For Success”, in this episode, we get tips and advice on setting up a morning routine for success from some really high achievers. 1) Stick With a Routine, 2) Get Rid Of Your Phone, 3) Get More Sleep, 4) Schedule Everything and 5) Win The Morning, Win the Day. Remember, the secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.

    This morning, we listened to Relationship Theory's "If She’s Pulling Away, It’s Because You Haven’t Done This" where Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of trust in your relationship. This was another awesome one and really relatable because of the main topics being discussed and even the few 'would you rather' questions they threw in there. It was funny, the first question that they were answering, the questioner said his wife betrayed him often and Lisa automatically assumed that meant infidelity and Tom stopped her and said "well, he never said that betrayal could be anything" and he is right, betrayal comes in many forms. The premise of the question was, how much is enough if the person keeps making promises to stop and keeps hurting you? Tom and Lisa had a bit of a disagreement in the method here and I agreed with both of there points, generally. My opinion is this, from personal experience, if the person doing the betraying is honestly ready to make change and is doing it for him or herself FIRST, then and only then will real recovery/change happen - otherwise, if their only purpose is to not lose their partner, they'll just be checking boxes. Both Wade and I really liked Tom's breakdown on how to know if someone is for real 'this time'... he said: "don't trust what somebody says, don't even trust what somebody does, but always, always trust the pattern." Definitely, one to watch, especially for couples and play along with the would you rather segments. We decided before our vacation, we too are going to print a list of would you rather questions to take with us and then ask each other those questions each day.

    Once we got home, Wade made a yummy brunch for us - he is gifted when it comes to cooking, a skill I simply lack lol, we sat out on the balcony while we ate and spoke about my perception and his, when it comes to our "types" and I guess our taste palettes and why it is so difficult for me to believe what he is trying to tell me, down at my core -- plus on top of my history/experience with him in particular. Overall we had a much better day/morning than we have been in recent days and I felt better in general too, mood wise. I know a lot of my anger and depression sets in when my trigger hits, so my emotions are running wild. I know that these days Wade is trying his best, he tries to do right by me - he does not want to hurt me, he is working hard to fight his selfish tendencies and other habits, which I see and appreciate - even though I may not say it enough, but it does not go unnoticed. I am aware he has good intentions and hopes it will work out and go smoothly, but sometimes it just does not because when he sets his mind on something, his tunnel vision turns on and some details go unnoticed/forgotten, like how his plan/actions might affect me - until it is too late.

    After Wade went to pick up the girls from school, my mom stopped by to ask if I had a stamp that she could have, I said yes and gave her one. Of course that was just an excuse to stop by, she started telling me about some doctors forms she was filling out and something she had a question about and she'll need me to see it, then that turned into "maybe just call the doctor etc.", she saw I was in the middle of watching a TV show, I had paused it when she walked in/in front of her and she asked "oh, you're watching something?" and I said "yep, before the kids get home"). She goes, "well since you have time right now", let me go back and grab the papers so you can do it now. Ugh, I swear, I have so much resentment growing and it is beginning to feel like onset trigger/PTSD symptoms and that really sucks, I don't want to feel this way about my mom because I love her but I feel like I am being suffocated. There was a lot more but she is back and getting on my nerves some more and I just need to wrap this up, I'm exhausted.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: It was cute when Wade got offended by the ogler, gave me some pep in my step for some reason.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    5 Morning ROUTINES That Will TRANSFORM Your LIFE!



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Seen as special. Loved, honored, and cherished. Is that really so much to ask?!?! Especially when that’s what I offer so freely.


    To be someone's #1, their top priority, that's the goal.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.

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