Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 435:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Joyful | Playful | Annoyed
    Partner: Content | Skeptical | Withdrawn
    Professional: Rushed | Overwhelmed | -
    Person: Let down | Nervous | Frustrated

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) My alone time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a really soothing back rub after the MRI machine destroyed me lol it was nice. We talked about his incident from earlier in the day, I brought up the questions I came up with after thinking about it. I am glad it didn't bring up his shame or shut him down, instead, it made him think and he considered what I was saying, even got curious himself and wanted to reach out to his AP for more input. I think us having an open and honest dialogue is the only thing that has really been making a difference and helping his stay honest (which I know has always been an issue for him throughout our relationship). Being able to talk like this is a really good thing for us, otherwise, we are left to our own devices and will often assume/fill in the blanks ourselves, which usually has us going to the worst case scenario. We ended up having a good and healthy conversation... and ended with some fun. Then he had to head out to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Master Self-Control and Why It's So Important”, Jay from MedSchoolInsiders.com talks about how to master self-control and why it's so important that you do so. He explains why self-discipline and willpower are so important, for example, have you ever been tempted to do something for which you later feel guilty about? of course, all of us have. Moments like these are usually due to a lapse in judgment and/or lack of discipline. Here’s the key: with strong self-discipline and willpower, you can do what you need to do in each moment without temptation or laziness getting in the way. Self-discipline and willpower are two of the biggest secrets to success. Improving, cultivating, and growing your self-control and self-discipline will serve you well in both your personal and professional life. Discipline is important because it allows us to live our lives the way we want. As a student, discipline allows you to study more effectively and use your time efficiently. Willpower and self-control allow you to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and be happier. Self-discipline lets us grind it out with studying or work even when we don’t feel like it. It lets us say no to extra dessert. It lets us maintain a consistent exercise schedule and achieve our fitness goals. To put it simply, it empowers us to live our lives the way we ideally want to. His three steps to cultivating self-discipline: 1. Start Small, 2. Practice Daily and 3. Ramp it Up. Remember, if you learn self-control you can master anything.

    This morning, Wade and I walked, we discussed the podcast that I listened to a while ago, but he had just heard last night. It was an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Betrayal Trauma and Healing" featuring Dr. Barbara Steffens, who is the President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". Dr. Steffens and Rob talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. Wade really enjoyed this one and said he loved how she explained betrayal trauma and healing, from the eyes of the betrayed and her honest recommendations on how to handle an addict and situations where she feels like he may be manipulating her as well as when she needs to take a step back and work on herself and ignore him. Both of us actually agreed with the various points she made in this interview and I am happy about that. Once we got home and settled, I began dealing with some drama with a client and he went to sleep, not before making some comments about getting horny thinking about something particular and wishing I could join him in bed later, I laughed it off and he closed the door. About 20 minutes later, as I am in the middle of typing back to my client, the bedroom door flys open and scares the crap out of me, as I thought he was already fast asleep, so yeah I got startled. He came out to tell me about having to stay later at work tomorrow morning, which sucks since I needed him to go to an appointment with my dad to save me the emotional drain that I will 110% endure, but also, I was a bit taken back by him, umm not sleeping. He told me he decided to take a quick shower, but how was I suppose to know that?... As far as I was concerned, all I am aware of is he was suppose to be sleeping by now, instead, he is wide awake, was horny going into the bedroom, then had to take a quick shower... he also drank and watched some anime before heading to bed, after allowing himself to act out yesterday, when you add all that up?... so I told him "thanks for the last minute trigger" before he went back to "sleep". I sat frustrated for hours, just festering and thinking about all of this.

    Later in the day my neurologist gave me a call and told me that the MRI came back with an "L4-5 disc herniation", she kind of hinted that this was what she thought I had, so I guess the result it is not much of a surprise. She is really pressing that I start physical therapy, but between my dad and everyone else's stuff, I never have time for my own shit. Maybe in a week or two, I will finally get around to it. After Wade woke up, we had to go for a weekly grocery run, on the way there he brought up the trigger from earlier in the day and we discussed it for a bit. The supermarket was packed ... a few minor triggers for me - but such is life for me these days, it sucks. I know he had a few slips too, I am sure of it, I also still stand by my opinion from my post from a few days ago, whether he wants to admit to it or not.

    My mind is spinning, my back is still achy, and I have to suck it up (as usual) because tomorrow I have a really long and really draining day, with no escape.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Used breathing exercises to ground myself, multiple times.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Self-Discipline | Why It’s Important & How to Master Self-Control



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 436:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Tired
    Partner: Content | Thankful | Loving
    Professional: Stressed | - | -
    Person: Overwhelmed | Anxious | Rushed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) My alone time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about the earlier trigger again, as well as the supermarket trip. He read my journal post and wanted to discuss it further, I really wasn't expecting to do so, since we had discussed it/I told him my thoughts in the car. We had a good talk. One of my clients woke up and sent me half of a butt load of work, due like yesterday, so I started asap.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Improve Yourself Everyday”, in this episode, Jordan Peterson talks about how to improve yourself every day and why you should. For the record, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning.

    This morning, Wade had to work and I had to go with my dad to his doctor's appointment. My plate is super full, but I had to sit there listening to him ramble on and on, about every single ailment, procedure and issue he has/had/been through. He was super excited too because the technician was Russian, so he didn't pause for a second. I'm thinking "hurry up, stop chatting him up and delaying the whole process, you know I have so much work to get to at home". However, I am fully aware that no one really cares about all the shit I need to get done, ever. Anyway, once we got home, I immediately got to work. Spoke to Wade and he was finishing up at work too, I asked him to pick something up for me to eat, anything that he thought would make me happy. He did not disappoint, he got me one of my favorite meals. After lunch, I went back to work, I began feeling a sense of loneliness overwhelm me, don't know where it came from, so I decided to take a quick break and hop into bed and just cuddle with Wade while he slept. I think I passed out for about 15 minutes or so, then it was back to work. Kids are home now, he's still sleeping and I still have so much more work to get done... the chaos continues!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Stayed on track today, even with so many distractions and so much to do.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to Improve Yourself Right NOW (and Why)



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    This has been on my mind so much lately. I know you write about this a lot, but for some reason, when I saw you put it this way this time I just burst into tears. I couldn't even bring myself to push the "like" button. Why can't they understand how empty their reassurances and "you're beautiful!"s are? I finally asked my husband to never say it again because it instantly put me in an angry mood and prompted a barrage of negative internal dialogue. He thought it would boost my self-esteem, but it only made me want to scream at him to shut the f up!
     
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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I know what you mean, I'm sorry that we both have to feel this way. It is the most excruciating position and feeling to have. I try to express it on here from time to time, but I feel like even words don't do it justice. I just wonder if it's something that can ever be 'moved on' from?
     
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 437:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Resentful | - | Amused
    Partner: Calm | Loving | Content
    Professional: Overwhelmed | Rushed | Relieved
    Person: Anxious | Exhausted | Free

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) Walk and Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we were both in a lot of pain (back pain) so we didn't talk much, we just laid there, mumbled a little... a few rants here and there, updates about our day, etc, some cuddling and then he was off to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Growing Beyond Self Limiting Beliefs That Are Holding You Back”, in this episode, various motivational speakers encourage you to grow beyond those self-limiting beliefs. Remember, who you are today is NOT who you have to be tomorrow. Although, a lot of times, it does feel like you are stuck, especially when triggered.

    This morning, we went for our walk, in the bitter cold! we listened to Jay Shetty's podcast "3 Reasons I Became a Monk for 3 Years" which gave us a little insight into Jay and what made him decide to drop everything and become a monk when he pretty much was living the American dream. His main reason? he wanted to learn how to master the mind, he wanted to learn how to master himself, and in his opinion, there’s no greater master in that thought process...than the monks. His suggestion is for everyone to find them purpose and follow it, your true passion, what makes you happy. His tips for this are 1) Find a mentor and learn from them, observe and watch (just be careful who your role models are - make it about their values, not their valuables). 2) Make decisions based on more than money or ego and 3) If you are struggling with a big decision, treat it like an experiment, you don’t have to go all in immediately, test it out for a day, a week and see if it's something that works for you. Another important step he mentions is service for others, his quote “You either discover your talents and use them for others...or you start helping others and then you’ll discover your talents.” - Jay Shetty. It was a good podcast. As we were nearing our car, a woman was coming out of her house in yoga pants, I instantly got triggered and it sucked. When we got in the car, I asked him if he slipped. He said he saw her but kept looking up and away to be sure not to slip... I don't know about that, either way, I got triggered and it sucked.

    Then during the afternoon I continued working on my project and listened to multiple podcasts, all of which were GREAT and I'll post about them all later. One that really sparked me was a Relationship Theory one, it was called "How to Value Connection over Everything" where Tom talks about his attraction and how, like me, he is able to turn off his 'attraction' to other people, when he is with someone. Like whoever is his person, that is his priority and at that point, he is able to turn off his brain from paying attention or needing to "ogle" anyone else. I thought this was something that only I did, but apparently, there's a science behind it, who knew? he goes into it at around 25 minutes in. He says it comes from the neocortex part of the brain, where you can shut down that part of your brain off. Aggressively, in the same way you can love one sports team and hate another, no matter who the players are or how good looking or talented they may be -- if they are playing for another team, you just ignored them, they no longer exist to you because you are only about your team and your team alone. Finally, someone else on this planet is like me when it comes to this.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Finished all the work I needed to, in the nick of time!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Kyle Cease - When the World is Falling Apart, Do This



    #Relationships
    How to Value Connection over Everything



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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    The Winner and Susannah like this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 438:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Annoyed | - | Exhausted
    Partner: Vulnerable | Connected | Loved
    Professional: Creative | Overwhelmed | Relieved
    Person: Anxious | Exhausted | Free

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Self-care.
    3) Podcasts.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I was in so much pain (back) from working that I was what most people would call "low functioning". So, we barely talked, just laid on the bed a little and then went to watch some TV. After the episode, Wade had to go to work and I couldn't stay up to work further, so I just went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live Your Life Without Limits”, in this episode, Steve Harvey gives us some great tips on how to live a life without limits. Remember, you are only confined by the walls you build yourself.

    This morning, Wade and I did have a bit of a hiccup because the weather was shitty and based on his tone and reaction, I assumed he wasn't interested in walking at the mall. After some back and forth, he decided he wanted to go to the mall. On the way there, he wanted to finish listening to the Relationship Theory video I had suggested to him and he started listening to at work, "Balancing Intimate Relationships and Ambition". Afterward, he was really excited (and so was I) to discuss it. They cover various topics from can you teach yourself to love someone, supporting each other in every way, depending on your will power and dedication when you are sick and have no motivation, etc. Then one of the big topics they covered which was one of Wade's favorites was the different stages of relationships and building a strong foundation that lasts you a lifetime so that no matter how much you change physically (like a catastrophic accident or aging) it wouldn't matter because your connection is so strong that how you feel about the other person, would not change and your love for them would continue to grow/navigate right along with any changes that come. The other person would believe it's for real and authentic because they feel that connection and have had that security, you've given them no reason to doubt it. He says that is how he feels about us now, that's where he sees us going and when I tell him "what will happen when I get old and wrinkly" and he says "it won't matter to me" -- he is referring to what Tom was talking about here. For normal couples that are connected, that makes total sense to me. When it comes to us though, I rebutted with, Tom and his wife probably don't have betrayal trauma though, so at this moment I can't say that I have that kind of security where I can take him at his word, when he says he finds me beautiful, desires or wants me, so if I move into the next stage with this kind of uncertainty, it's what will stay with me and I will still have plenty of reason to question and doubt his authenticity on that front. In truth, in my mind, if he wanted others when I was at my "peak" youth/looks wise, why on hells earth would it go now go in reverse when I'm old and wrinkly? you know... Tom's wife, she has had no reason to doubt his words when he tells her that she is his type, so if she is in that next stage with him, she can comfortably say that Tom is being authentic because he has never given her a reason to question him, as he has been bluntly honest with her their whole relationship, it was their agreement from the start. That's the frustrating part, because so many years have been wasted for Wade and I, on lies, cheating, secrets, distrust, loneliness, and sadness, I don't know if we have enough time in between these stages, for me to build up enough of that sort of security to bring into the next stage - if it's even possible. I'm worried that I will be stuck with this feeling (and the triggers) of him always preferring others to me, for the rest of my life and it hurts. Anyway, then we talked about the benefits of now being completely honest with each other, no matter how uncomfortable it is, having common interests, having shared experiences together, connecting, etc. It was a great and energetic conversation.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Feeding off of each others energy this morning, which helped me feel better today!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Healing Rejection, Guilt & Failure - Psychologist Guy Winch



    #Relationships
    Balancing Intimate Relationships and Ambition



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson and The Winner like this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 439:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Overwhelmed | Exhausted | Tired
    Partner: Content | Calm | Connected
    Professional: Creative | - | -
    Person: Stressed | In Pain | Free

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Rigorous Honesty.
    3) Good Weather.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he knew how much my back was killing me, so he gave me a nice back massage, it was such a nice relief and felt so good - I enjoy his touch very much. I love it when he surprises me with them, I still remember the days when I would practically have to beg him for a massage, then he would even catch an attitude too, like to the point where I would get annoyed just say "forget it" and regret even asking. We had a nice talk too, we thought it was going to be a quick talk but it lasted a bit longer, but we still managed to squeeze in some TV time before he had to head out to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Figure Out What You're Passionate About In Life”, in this episode, Charlie Houpert gives us the 4 simple questions, that we need to ask ourselves (and answer) in order to help us figure out what we're passionate about. The four questions are 1. What makes you lose track of time? 2. What do you spend money to do? 3. Where do you fear judgment? and 4. What makes your heart race? Remember, our passion is our strength.

    This morning, we skipped our walk because I needed to catch up on work and we needed my parents to sit with the girls this evening, so I worked on as much as I could, with the kids driving me banana's and that was extremely difficult but somehow I got a little bit done, not nearly enough as I should have but it is, what it is.

    This afternoon, it was one of our Pokemon Go community days. The weather was very nice, so we decided to go to a local park and just walk around there for three hours. Even though there were a few triggers there for me, I don't know if Wade had any slips, I was trying to concentrate on the game (ground myself) and our conversation. We talked the entire time and it was a very good talk and about, well, us. It was about how when we first began recovery, what/who we preferred listening to and why versus now and it is probably because of where we are in our recoveries/relationship. As we learn more, grow and our relationship goals and dynamics change (even with some setbacks/his shame/my triggers), listening to Tom and Lisa/Relationship Theory are much more inspiring and informative for both of us these days. The more we become aware and educated, we are both picking up on certain changes, discrepancies, and issues even with our beloved BAE - who's earlier podcasts really educated us on recovery, but it seems like they didn't actually practice a lot of what they preached in their personal lives/recoveries, but to each their own. It was a very nice evening spent together, I enjoyed it very much.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved being in my Capri's again, it was sweet getting compliments from Wade about it too!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    4 Simple Questions To Find Your Passion



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    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 440:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Tired
    Partner: Connected | Withdrawn | Anxious
    Professional: Creative | Rushed | -
    Person: Content | Annoyed | Eager

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Healing.
    2) Conversation.
    3) Honesty.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk too much, we relistened to Relationship Theory's "How to Value Connection over Everything" the part where Tom explains how he is able to turn off his attraction to other people that he would normally notice or find attractive, much like I have and have always thought I was the only one like this. Wade didn't really understand Tom's breakdown the first time, so he wanted to hear it again. Then Wade began explaining how these days he feels like he is getting there because he no longer has this addiction blinding him, he sees clearly and his focus is on me. Now his attraction, connection, and feelings are all about me and even though he still slips, it is because of his past habits/bad past behaviors that he is still trying to correct. As much as I want to believe him, I don't think this is something he is capable of, turning a complete blind eye - like Tom and me, unfortunately, nor do I think he will ever be satisfied with only "having eyes for me", sort of thing. Because let's have some real talk, often times when he slips, it is not accidental, like "whoa, someone stepped into his peripheral vision and given where his eyes already were, an ass appeared and oops a slip!" - often times, it's a slip, ogle or whatever. He also still has a lot of temptations, meaning he is aware of, even takes the time to think through various rational thoughts to himself, so he is completely mindful of the fact that the woman he sees is attractive (✓) his type (✓) someone he would have definitely ogled in the past (✓) that now he can not objectify her because she is a person or because he wants a happy relationship with his wife etc. So, let's call a spade, a spade - having constant temptations means he is still attracted to many other women, the only difference between then and now is he isn't acting on those urges to ogle hard and objectify/lust, but the urges are still there, just being managed/controlled. Which is very different than what I or Tom are doing, I can notice an attractive man, but I don't have any urge that needs to be fought off, controlled or talked down, because that part is turned off for me, I'm not attracted to that man, even if I can see he is my physical type, there's nothing in me that gets triggered to want to look a little longer or more. That's the difference, that's also why I don't think he can ever stop his temptations/urges either and it could very well be because I am not 'it' for him, no matter how much he is trying to convince the both of us of it. Perhaps if he found himself the one person he truly [physically] wants, desires and really floats his boat, perhaps then and only then would he be able to turn a blind eye to all of the other attractive women around.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Full Power of Self-Belief”, in this episode, Dr. B J Davis tells the story of his own journey toward understanding the full power of self-belief. A former felon, turned doctor, clinical director, and professor, Dr. B J Davis is living proof that our past doesn’t dictate our future. Remember, your past can either define you or refine you. The choice is yours.

    This morning, we went out for a walk and listened to BAE's podcast "You Are Not Loving Me Right" which in theory was supposed to be about how Ashlynn and Coby were raised when it comes to demonstrations of love in their households and upbringing. How they ended up bringing those norms into their relationship, for Coby it was touch and Ashlynn it was giving/receiving gifts. Overall, the podcast was decent, it started with Coby talking in the third person about feeling bad a week ago, he said he felt like Ashlynn was not loving him right and he got into a funk about it, so he had to go and see his therapist, who told him to bring it up to Ashlynn. Apparently, his complaint was that Ashlynn wasn't checking off his top two love languages "the right way or how he sees fit", therefore, he felt unloved by her. What a freaking crybaby, ugh, anyway. Brandon chimes in and basically explains that the five love languages are a great guide, but they are not set in stone and there are many other ways somebody shows you that they love you, without always checking off your top two love languages. Coby seemed dumbfounded by this concept and completely amazed by what Brandon was saying, although it was common sense. Then he starts going into "yeah, I guess when Ashlynn makes me and the kid's lunch or does the laundry for us, it's to make my day a little easier and it is to make my day a little easier". I wish this was a live podcast, so I could have typed out "HYPOCRITE" in all CAPS to him, just two or three episodes ago he was so proud of not feeling shame, after Ashlynn took the kids skiing, giving him a whole day to do nothing at home and he didn't even make dinner for them. He was so arrogant and proud about not having shame about it, then he says something like this? like, come on man, ugh. Anyhow...

    Then we went to Costco because we had a bunch of crap to get, it was packed up the @$$ there. A lot of triggers for me, everywhere I turned... it seems I can not go anywhere without peace of mind. He did tell me he had a few slips (once we got home) but I mean I could have guessed that, without him mentioning it to me. There was no way, with all those 'primes' served up on a platter for him there, he wouldn't have been tempted to look or slip, I'm not that naive or blind. It was rough for me there, really rough but I had to put on a brave face because my mom and daughter were there, so I put on my 'show' and it seems to have worked. On the inside, I was enraged, going crazy, wanting to rip my hair out and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

    This afternoon, his parents came over, that was as awkward as it has been in recent months. I continued playing my part, I can't let others know something is wrong or a slew of questions would arise and I'm in no mood to answer.

    Now, I'm just waiting for the kid's bedtime, so I can finally watch the premiere that I've waited so long for, Game of Thrones, the final season. I just hope there won't be anything triggering in there for Wade (or myself) because the last time we watched it, he was high in his addiction. I guess we will find out soon, I just hate that I was so excited for tonight and now my mood is soured.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Kept up a good act in front of my parents and his, even though I was triggered the whole day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    B.J. Davis | Freedom from Self-Doubt



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    You nailed it. Your description of how your brain responds when you see an attractive man matches mine exactly. I know when a man is attractive (or a woman for that matter), but I'm not "attracted" to him. I don't have to fight anything off. I am "attracted" to my husband, period. He, on the other hand, is much like you describe Wade - constantly having to "fight" to not want to seek out others, all the while saying I'm the one for him. If that's true, why is my husband's brain telling him to look for others? I feel the same as you - many times I have suggested to my husband that he needs to just find "the one" so he can finally be relieved of all the struggle. Either that, or he needs to forget about ever being satisfied with just one woman and have the courage to be honest and let me go. He says he is desperate to save our marriage, but I don't think it is fair to trap me in a position where I will constantly have to fight for his attention. It hurts so much. Hugs to you.
     
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  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    EXACTLY! we just wrapped up a conversation about this. At least I know that I am not the only person who can do this, now I know of three - myself, you and Tom from Impact Theory, so it can be done.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  11. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Put me down too. I thought for the longest time that what we do is normal and part of finding “the one.” The pain of discovering that this is not the case was horrendous. Totally heartbreaking.

    With my PA ex it turned out he loved what I did for him and how I supported him. I did all the emotional labor and he was free to fantasize about everyone under the sun.

    I remember saying so many times that I want someone who wants me and therefore sex with me. Not someone who wants sex (after getting turned on by anyone and everyone else) and since I’m the SO would deign to do the physical deed with me. Ugh.

    Why is it so hard to see people as people, acknowledge beauty passively and just move on without devolving into mentally screwing them? We don’t expect PAs (or anyone) to suddenly go blind. Just stop treating people like your own personal P-collection and show some mental fidelity.
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It is so refreshing to know that this is not just "me" thing and it makes it so much more validating when a man admits to it too, especially someone of Tom's caliber, so PA's can't claim "well, it's just a female thing".

    EXACTLY!!!!! there's no reason why someone who is clearheaded or in recovery (real recovery) not capable of doing this, just like we do, that is, if they are truly satisfied with what they have at home, as they claim. That's my opinion -- if it's all based on science, if one brain can do it, then all brains should be capable of it, given the right circumstance.
     
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  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 441:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Eager | - | Exhausted
    Partner: Content | Calm | Connected
    Professional: Creative | Accomplished | Successful
    Person: Anxious | Interested | Free

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Honesty.
    3) Conversation.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, everything was put on hold, because it was our long awaited for Game of Thrones final season premiere night - it did not disappoint. Wade started it off right by giving me a foot rub that really alleviated my throbbing headache and some of my tension from the day. I had been triggered and on edge all day from the overwhelming Costco trip. During the episode, my client sent me an e-mail asking for some revisions that needed to get done asap, so we had our talk, after the show, but while I worked. I did feel bad about that, because we've made it a thing, not to be on devices when we are having our talks, but he understood that I needed to get this done and we didn't have much time to talk after. We spoke about temptations and what those urges mean, how you can not have constant temptations that you have to talk yourself out of or control yourself from and at the same time, claim that I'm now your sole focus/imprint, in the way that Tom from Impact Theory was explaining - Wade knows what I mean. As I've mentioned a few times, I believe there's no reason why someone who is clearheaded or in recovery (real recovery) not capable of turning a blind eye/switch, just like I do, that is, if they are truly satisfied with what they have at home, as they claim. That's my opinion -- if it's all based on science, if one brain can do it, then all brains should be capable of it, IF given the right circumstance or condition (attraction/connection/feelings) aka which leads me to my initial theory, of not being 'the right one' hence, probably why my gut feeling has been nonexistent on this front.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Be Happy Right Now: The Science of Happiness”, in this episode, we get some great tips on how to use science to boost happiness levels instantly, and for life. Remember, you will be about as happy as you make up your mind to be.

    This morning, after dropping off the kids at school, I had a doctors appointment. Afterward, we had to do our weekly grocery run, on the way there, we began listening to BAE's podcast "I'm Doing All the Right Things But Something Is Missing" where they discuss how much goes into recovery, but sometimes, it still just does not feel like enough, like something is missing. We did not get through even the first half of it, but as far as we go, it seems like they did begin veering off track from the topic at hand - as they have been in their recent podcasts. We plan on finishing it tonight, so I guess we will see if they offer up any good suggestions or solutions, from either the addict or the betrayed perspective of feeling like something is missing, even when you are doing everything you think you should be but it still feels off.

    In the afternoon, we finally had some free time, where we considered going out to lunch or the movies but nothing seemed to pan out. Which ended up being fine, we decided to just have lunch at home, Wade made us some yummy California Melts and we watched Bohemian Rhapsody, the movie was great and Rami Malek was superb as Freddie Mercury, of Queen. It was some nice quality time and we didn't have to fork over a lot of cash to enjoy ourselves.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Got through today, winning!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    The Science of Happiness and Feeling Positive in Life



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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  14. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Exactly - we are just a convenience.
     
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  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 442:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Tired | Free | Annoyed
    Partner: Connected | Vulnerable | Loving
    Professional: Creative | Rushed | Confident
    Person: Frustrated | Content | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Silence.
    3) Deep Conversations.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me an awesome back rub, when it comes to those, he has been spoiling me and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm loving it, because I enjoy his touch and it just gives me back so much relief. As he did that, we finished listening to BAE's podcast "I'm Doing All the Right Things But Something Is Missing" where they discuss how sometimes, no matter how much work (and time) you put into recovery, sometimes, it still just does not feel like enough, like something is missing. Brannon says that if you make recovery apart of your everyday life and not just have it as a set of tasks you must accomplish or 'check off' in a day, it will make things so much easier. If you are in recovery with the right intention, remain honest with both yourself/partner and also work on your cognitive behavior, you will feel balanced because it will be apart of your lifestyle and not feel like anything is off. Then we went and watched some TV, before heading to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Isaiah Hankel: What To Do When You Feel Lost In Life”, in this episode, we hear from internationally bestselling author Isaiah Hankel as he talks about what to do when you feel lost in life. First, you don't know who you are or what you want. Most people have no idea who they are. Instead of being an individual, they are a collection of the people that they hang out with the most. The only way to figure out who you are is to spend some time alone with yourself. Second, you don't know how much you can withstand. You are stronger than you realize. Third, you don't know how to rely on yourself. Remember, life is not what happens to you. It's how you handle what happens to you.

    This morning, after dropping the kids off, on the drive to my doctor's appointment we listened to BAE's podcast "Why Can't I Build Trust?". This one was all about "Integrity" and what it means to live a life where you are your true, authentic self because that is the best way to show your partner that you are an honest person. They discussed how Coby could not figure out how to build trust because he did not know how to speak the truth even in small things. He would do things to appease Ashlynn, just to stay out of trouble or getting her disappointed. The effect on Ashlynn was significant to see him hide or lie about the little things in life, which is how betrayal is built up usually - at least that's how it was for me because Wade lied to me about everything. Brannon breaks the "Integrity" and why that is the most important ingredient in earning trust back after it has been lost. They did veer off topic quite a bit, where Wade and I even forgot what this episode was supposed to be about. We did not agree with everything they discussed here, but it did open up further discussion between us and that was very pleasant, for us both.

    Once we got home, my client reached out because they had a rush job for me, because they needed an image done before they went to print. Luckily, I was able to get that done in the nick of time, right when we were supposed to go pick up our girls. On the way there we began listening to the video I recommended to Wade earlier, which I really enjoyed, "How to Find Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Strong". Where Stephan Labossiere (a.k.a Stephan Speaks) talks to Lewis Howes about healing and what it takes to have a strong and successful relationship. His point is simple (and true!) We all want connection, we all want an amazing, sexy, supportive romantic relationship. So why is it so hard to find the person who can fill that position? Most often, it’s not other people that are the problem- it’s ourselves. We have so much hurt from our past that we haven’t worked through that keeps us from experience a true connection with someone else. This could be past romantic or childhood relationships. Hurt people hurt people. However, my biggest takeaway from this interview was him saying that in order for a relationship to work and thrive, you must have true connection and balance, he says connection has to naturally be there between two people, it can not be taught, learned or forced - it's either there or it's not.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how much hair looked today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    What To Do When You Don't Know Who You Are Or What You Want



    #Relationships
    How to Find Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Strong with Stephan Speaks and Lewis Howes



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 443:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Proud | Content | Exhausted
    Partner: Content | Insecure | Confused
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Inspired | Unsettled | Depressed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Research capabilities.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we were going to go watch TV because we talked earlier, but I was triggered by the family dinner we had out earlier. I felt guilty and ashamed for ruining his relaxation/tv time and I actually considered just saying everything was fine but I felt it boiling over inside, which would have come out in other ways later if I kept it inside. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and of course, with my luck, the old lady who seated us and took our order vanished and the waitress that came back out to bring us our food (and then stick around) was totally his type. When I saw her, I felt like I instantly vanished from his eyes - poof, gone like a ghost, new eye candy was there - and the more she came around, the more insignificant I felt. This ruined the entire dinner for me, I sat there running the motions, smiling and nodding and just reacting to my kids when it was needed. I even felt like Wade asked me to take the little one to the restroom, on purpose, so he had the freedom to ogle the waitress in peace. Sometimes, I just feel like going out takes a huge emotional toll on me, that it's not even worth it. He keeps trying to tell me that he is different now and I know he is trying his hardest to control his urges but again, to me, it's one thing to find other people attractive for a second and forget about it, and it's another to be attracted TO THEM - recognizing it to the point where you need to talk yourself out of lusting because "you want a happy relationship with your wife", this also means (to me) the door is ALWAYS OPEN to him preferring/wanting/desiring someone else, over me. Never in my relationship, did I need to close my eyes, breathe and think "yes, this attractive man is your type, but no, you can not look at him, you can not want him, remember you are married and you want to have a good relationship with your husband" -- I never needed a mantra to convince myself that I had to have eyes for my own husband and not other men, it was kind of a given for me, when I said yes. I just don't know if I can live like this, I keep thinking about it - over and over - yes the connection we have is nothing like I've ever felt before and I doubt it will ever be repeated with anyone else. But, to always feel like a ghost, every time some woman pops up (and there are millions of them in the world) might feel even worse to me then going back to a disconnected relationship, the pain and drain I get from these triggers are unbearable, always having to act - just like before, is it realistic to spend the rest of our relationship, in the house with him, which is the only place where I get a little peace from triggers to be happy? because any time we go outside, there's a high probability of becoming miserable in an instant. I'm feeling so emotional.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Forgiveness Is The Key To Happiness and Freedom”, in this episode, TedX speaker Brant Hansen reminds us that forgiveness is the key to happiness and freedom. Remember, in a world full of anger forgiveness is the key to happiness and freedom.

    This morning, Wade dropped off the little one at daycare. I walked alone and I started listening to an interview he sent to me "Master Happiness - Tony Robbins & Tom Bilyeu", which was pretty interesting, but I noticed myself losing focus a lot as I began thinking about yesterday's dinner and then wondered why I kept thinking about it... as I walked the weather transitioned from cold to warm, which meant there were a lot more people out walking and jogging, due to the weather, aka more triggers. So, as a threat would pass by, I thought "thank goodness he isn't here for this" which then prompted me to think about last night. It was a weird walk, I felt like I was in a trance/haze the whole time. When he picked me up, we talked a little about the video that he finished watching with Stephan Labossiere and all of the great content he found in it.

    I woke him up for his last group meeting with Coby's group today. After we spoke a little about my trigger again, then he had to go pick up our daughter in the old neighborhood... in nice weather, I'm sure he had fun there. Anyway, later on, we had a birthday dinner for my dad, which was nice. The little one got dressed up and was super excited to celebrate lol.

    My back is still nagging me from yesterday, but my mood has been down because I am still feeling unsettled from my trigger and I am aware of that. I'm also starting to get a sense that Wade is getting a little complacent with recovery work or just more distracted than usual.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No matter what kind of funk I was in today, still put on a happy face for my dad's birthday.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Forgiveness in an Age of Anger | Brant Hansen



    #Relationships
    Relationship Theory on Maximizing Compatibility With Dating Lists



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  17. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    This type of thing happens to me so often I even have a name for it - "the cosmic joke". Wherever I would go with my husband, it was just a matter of time before the "cosmic joke" ie a teenager in a tank top, a 20 year old with giant boobs and yoga pants, any blonde (you get the picture) would show up. It was uncanny. Air travel was the worst. He would compulsively ogle someone while waiting to board the plane and 9 times out of 10, that person would be seated in our row. I kid you not.
    I would often just disassociate. I KNOW I alienated family and friends because I had to "separate" from my emotions in order to not burst into tears or stand up and scream right in the middle of the restaurant.
    You are not odd. Many people are just like this, including me.
    I understand. So sorry, sweetie.
     
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  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Of course, it is the worst kind of cosmic joke. The punch line is... us, getting punched, in the face, repeatedly. :rolleyes:

    I disassociate a lot too and I hate doing that, my kids don't deserve it but it is the only way I can get by without completely raging out and snapping at everyone.

    I'm happy to know that I am not alone!

    Thank you for understanding. <3
     
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 444:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Though Conversations/Breakthroughs.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, because I was still triggered, we talked about all of it again. I was feeling extra drained and emotional, thoughts were running wild in my head all day, so many of them and a lot of random ones at that. I guess I am at my wits end with these feelings, triggers and how they make me feel... also if they'll ever come to stop, I even cried which is rare for me, to expose myself like that. Wade actually went out of his way to hold my space and I feel like he did it well. I won't go into the details again, but he said now that he has a clearer understanding on my perception of finding someone attractive vs being attracted to them, he doesn't think that is what he is stopping himself from feeling/doing - but, I just don't know. We also talked about my journal post and why I felt like he was being a bit complacent, it was because I've been noticing an uptick in him getting distracted and mindless with facebook clips when he is supposed to be working on his journal. The quicker he gets done with his journal, the more 'we' time we have, especially on days where he has to go to work - so I guess it showed me his priorities, which didn't help, especially during this time, which made my trigger(s) worse.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “This Simple Question Will Help You Get Back On Track”, in this episode, Tony Robbins gives a simple question that will help you get back on track to living a happy healthy life. Remember, in the end, everything will be OK. If you're at a point in your life where everything is not OK, don't worry. That just means it's not the end.

    This morning, we continued talking about my, his and our feelings, how both of us see my triggers. I think they are holding him back, but he doesn't feel that way and he explained why. We had a really long (almost 3 hours long) difficult conversation about all of it. I was trying to explain where I was coming from, why I was feeling the way that I was and he did the same. I won't go into details here because it is just way too much, but both of us felt much better after. I still think that at some point, as he continues to get better, my constant triggers will start to feel like a burden to him and he'll begin getting resentful - even if he says that's impossible. I guess only time will tell, I just hate feeling this way and it seems like a never-ending battle - as women are everywhere.

    As I was typing in my feelings for the day, something Coby suggested to Wade, I decided I was going to stop doing it. I wasn't too crazy about it in the first place, I did it because Wade suggested it (again, due to Coby)... but I express my feelings through words here, through my story and my emotions are so sporadic that listing them without context - just does not make sense to me, so I'm going to stop. It's my personal choice and Wade can continue doing his if it helps him be aware of his emotional and situational triggers.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Admitted my faults, fears, guilt, and shame.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins: Feeling Lost? How to Find Yourself Again



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 445:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Warm Weather.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk since we had such a long talk in the morning. We just continued watching HUMANS and man, that show is so awesome.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Excellent Advice For Living A Good Life”, in this episode, Denzel Washington gives some excellent advice for living a good life. Remember, the most important things in life aren't things at all.

    This morning, we walked and talked. Wade listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Shame, Honor, and Culture" while he was at work, where Rob's featured guest was Sam Louie a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. When I listened to it, I immediately said Wade would find some similarities with Sam and he did, so we talked about them, like lack of connection and affection from your parents for example. Then we listened to BAE's podcast "Why I Can't Stop White Knuckling?" where "not acting out" is a thing and the main goal, but, when that doesn't make us feel better and our partners seem to feel that energy (that goes with the white knuckling) things can get tough for both. Wade, compared one of Coby's examples of how he used to feel at airports in the past versus now... to how he has recently felt about passing by a local lingerie store. Before, he used to feel uptight when passing by and somewhat fighting urges/sensations to look/wonder about that store, but now he passes by it without a second thought and with peace of mind (from how he has explained it to me). He also mentioned that in the middle of the night (while he was at work) he suddenly felt like he wanted sex, but this time, he was imagining sex with me, he visualized me, which was why he texted me when he did and he said that it is something that has been happening more and more, that was pretty nice to hear. :)

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Wade's reaction to my little one's work (my hairstyle) made me feel giddy.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Denzel Washington's Life Advice Will Change Your Future



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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