Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 401:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Playful | Content | Joyful
Partner: Content | Free | -
Professional: Creative | - | -
Person: Guilty | Accomplished | -

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) The podiatrist was able to see Wade.
2) Made time to watch a good podcast.
3) Learned interesting info from my current book.
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Last night, we had a very difficult talk about everything that both of us wrote in our previous journal entries [mine/his], the whole "the more things change, the more they stay the same". It wasn't easy but it was honest, he knows my frustration, I am just tired of dealing with the same or similar shit, over and over again. Yes, I know he is trying but some things, he shouldn't be repeating anymore, he should know better by now and he has so many tools available that even if he is worried his memory would fail him... it takes all but two seconds to write something quick down, in order to not forget it and therefore avoid the incident we had yesterday, simple enough.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Brendon Burchard: Raise Your Standards to Live a Better Life", in this episode, Brendon Burchard gives some encouragement to raise your standards and live a better life. His point? if you raise your standards in these 5 areas, you dramatically improve your life: 1. Health, 2. Focus, 3. Boldness, 4. Joy. and 5. Kindness. Remember, be bold enough to set standards for your life to say thanks, but no thanks to anyone or anything that doesn't meet them.

This morning, his foot felt worse so we could not walk, we actually went to a podiatrist without an appointment in the hopes that they would take us without an appointment... and they did! they gave him a cortisol shot, he said it sounds like it was the nerve. Hopefully, by the time he wakes up, he will feel better. I hate to see him in pain. He had his men's group with Coby from BAE today, so I can't wait to hear about it. He said the text group has been lacking, pretty much he is the only active one there and the rest of the guys check in casually and Coby is MIA most of the time... the live group (weekly) is a roundup of their daily check-ins... so is it really worth $175/mo? dunno.

Wade recommended I watch an episode of Impact Theory "How to Be a Better Thinker | The Nerdwriter (Evan Puschak)" because he really found it motivating and interesting and thought I would like it too, so I watched it today. I have to say, it was a really inspiring and good one. The best takeaway moment for me, this part: "When a person's mind is traumatized, it's like the story that they were telling themselves have ceased to be persuasive. When a story stops being persuasive, it is disorienting and that I think is what trauma is in the period between when you when your old story breaks apart because of this last straw on the camel's back. I mean we're going to continue to tell ourselves the old stories until it's so glaringly contradictory that it doesn't hold up. Traumas; the period between when that breaks down and when you from the pieces of the old, build something new and will never glorify the trauma itself but recognize that in that period you have a very unique opportunity that will only come along a handful of times in your life to reorganize the story that you tell about yourself to yourself so that for me is what Kintsugi is all about and I think a lot of people just really connected with that idea for sure. Art craft called Kintsugi, when ceramics are broken they don't throw them out and buy another, they put the ceramic pieces back together, but the way that they do it is with gold." The metaphor is, just because it is broken doesn't make it 'damaged goods' 'ugly' or marked 'trash'... all you need to do is throw a little gold on it and it'll be as good as new.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Started a new elephant goal today, organizing my dropbox.

#Self-Care
Raise Your Standards in these 5 Areas to Live a Better Life


#Motivational
How to Be a Better Thinker | The Nerdwriter (Evan Puschak)


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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Endless loop of fear, it sucks the life out of you.

 

DAY 402:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Eager | Free | Content
Partner: Connected | Inqusitive | Vulnerable
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Calm | Free | Loving

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Walked today.
2) Had a productive talk with Wade.
3) 3 hours of 'me' time!
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Last night, we talked about his group session with Coby went. He was actually happy with this one, said it was productive, there were good exchanges and ideas being passed around. He says if not for the live group, he would definitely not want to pay $175/mo for this, because the text group check-ins, barely anyone participates in. He said a lot of the other guys are going through various problems, this week he had some issues to report as well. He found that it felt good sharing with others who understand this life because he can be his true self, unlike with his family, coworkers or real life friends.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jordan Peterson On The Importance of Simply Getting Started", in this episode, Jordan Peterson reminds us that before we can do something well, we must be willing to do it poorly. Remember, the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried. His main point? be willing to do a terrible job, be willing to take small steps at a time, be willing to do a bad first draft of anything, be willing to be and to look like a fool, be willing to fail again and again, because no matter how bad those look like, at least you'll be doing something about it, and you'll be getting smarter along the way. Especially if you have someone smarter than you to give some feedback.

This morning, even though his foot was still not in the best shape, he decided it was okay enough for a slow walk. So we went to the mall for one round, where we listened to BAE's podcast, episode "Ep: 77 Dear Loved Ones...What You Ought to Know" which was about sharing your addiction/betrayal with family and friend. How, sometimes loved ones just don't understand the place you are in and what you need from them, support wise. Even worse, most of the time, you have no idea how to really tell them about the place you are stuck in. This episode Brannon, Ashlynn, and Coby describe generally speaking, where you may be and how you can share with others. Wade and I both agree that our families wouldn't understand this sort of addiction, my parents would brush it off as a 'nothing-burger' and his, if he would pass some blame on them over his childhood, would gaslight the shit outta him and then deny everything, maybe even stop talking to him. I think it is the old-school mentally and perhaps the European upbringing, they aren't American and I think that plays a big part in their attitudes and behavior. Then we began listening to the next episode "Ep: 78 Why We Worked on the "Me" Before We Worked on the 'We' " but I will write more about it tomorrow because we didn't really have a chance to really get into it, I gather it will focus on self-care.

Watched a very interesting episode of Impact Theory today, with Dr. Drew, "Dr. Drew on Why Disgust Is the Best Motivation" about addiction and how it takes hitting your low point when you find yourself truly disgusted with your current situation is usually when the addict realizes he or she needs to change. For those of you who don't know him, which unless you've been living under a rock for the last 30+ years ... not sure how you wouldn't... but he was one of the first doctors, turned celebrity who really put a face on addiction - when no one else would talk about it. I highly recommend everyone give this episode a watch.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved how my hair flowed today.

#Self-Care
Jordan Peterson - Start By Doing It Badly!


#Addiction
Dr. Drew on Why Disgust Is the Best Motivation


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 403:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Intimate | Thankful | Loving
Professional: Creative | Accomplished | Confident
Person: Tired | Content | Free

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Wade finally got his MRI done.
2) Had a really good walk and talk.
3) Spontaneous movie date.
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Last night, we watched The Walking Dead... this show is really struggling to keep our attention and viewership...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Carrey, Tony Robbins, and Jay Shetty: Making a Positive Contribution", in this episode, Jim Carrey, Tony Robbins, and Jay Shetty talk with about making a positive contribution and fighting past fear and pushing forward, take some risks. Remember, start where you are, use what you have and do what you can. You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance at what you do want. You gotta feed and train your mind, how? 1) Read 30 minutes a day, 2) Strengthen your body, 3) Find a role model and model after them, 4) Massive action and 5) Find someone worse off than you and help them. Finding your purpose isn't enough, you have to help others find theirs.

This morning, Wade had his MRI done, then after we went for our walk and talk at the mall. We continued listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 78 Why We Worked on the "Me" Before We Worked on the 'We' " which was about what the right approach is when it comes to specialized therapy, self-care and working on yourself as an individual before you try and fix yourselves as a couple. It can be challenging for couples to be in the same room talking about deep wounds when there are no skills developed to deal with them. Ashlynn and Coby took the approach of working individually before they worked as a couple, they go into why. For Wade and myself, we took the working through the issues together, as a team, no matter how difficult it was, how much it hurt either of us etc., but every couple handles their own recoveries differently. For us, our way has proven to work best, but it may not work for everyone else. We decided to have an impromptu date today, we both wanted to see "Captain Marvel" and since we had some time we figured, why not? so we did. It was a nice and laid back day for us, a spontaneous date - which is something we never use to have or do. On the way home, he told me he felt guilty/bad about not getting me any flowers for International Woman's Day... something in the past he definitely made sure to do (aka checking boxes). I am not really crazy about flowers either way, but I know that in the past it was only done to keep me distracted from all the secrets lurking below the surface and it meant absolutely nothing, he didn't care about me, the flowers or the holiday. These days, although I know if he gets me flowers there is a whole new meaning behind them, as a gift, I personally think they are a waste of money... $20-45 bucks on a gift that will go in the trash in about four days... meh, I rather get one flower if he really has an itch to get one or better yet, he knows better and free things he can do that make me way happier lol. I asked him if he felt it was his shame creeping up and he wasn't sure, but the more he thought about it, he thought it might be.

Overall it was a good day, no complaints, other than being a nervous wreck waiting for his MRI report and worrying about his foot... and we haven't even gotten to all my phantom issues lol

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved the fit of these thicker yoga pants.

#Motivational
Tim Ferriss on Super Learning and Pushing the Limits | Impact Theory


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 404:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Anxious | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Content | Relieved | -
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Tired | Overwhelmed | -

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-Care.
2) Doctors office was open today.
3) Innocent excitement of my little one, when she got her surprise.
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Last night, he gave me a quick but soothing backrub, even though he was in pain too. I appreciated that, although I prefer for him to heal and not make it worse on himself. Then we caught up on some Supernatural. Afterward we, umm, had some fun, hopefully, our annoying neighbor won't complain LOL.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Gillian Perkins With Tips on How to Be Happy With Your Life”, in this episode, Gillian Perkins gives 12 easy to follow tips on how to be happy with your life. 1. Look for the positive, 2. Live your values, 3. Re-focus on your priorities daily, 4. Socialize with uplifting people, 5. Make a list of things you LOVE to do, 6. Be thankful - both internally and externally, 7. Take care of your health, 8. Pursue meaningful goals, 9. Spend your resources on experiences, not material things, 10. Learn new things and challenge yourself, 11. Smile more! and 12. Be generous with others. Remember, you will be exactly as happy as you decide to be.

This morning, the little one woke us up at around 4:00 am and had a fever, so we took her to the doctor, now she has the flu. Our initial plans for the day were wiped, so we adapted.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Still managed to find some time to watch a motivational video.

#Self-Care
How to Be Happy & Enjoy Life


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 405:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Sensitive | Vulnerable | Loved
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Unmotivated | Ashamed | Overwhelmed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Wade's encouragement.
2) Recovery.
3) Modern Medicine.
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Last night, we listened to the deep dive (extra content) for the BAE podcast "Ep: 78 Why We Worked on the "Me" Before We Worked on the 'We' " and they went into their personal routines (Ashlynn and Coby) and how it worked for them. For Wade and I, working our recoveries separately and together, blending things just worked out for the better, so we prefer it this way. We do not see the benefit in learning to be vulnerable with everyone else first, then with your partner, especially in this kind of recovery.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Cure Mild Depression and Anxiety”, in this episode, we get 6 tips on how to cure mild depression and anxiety. The 6 different factors you need to keep in mind in order to overcome your depression are exercise, omega-3 fats, sunlight, sleep, anti-rumination activities, and social connections. Remember, every man has secret sorrows which the world knows not.

This morning, I was in a mood, I felt down and had zero motivation to do anything... the weather has been shit, I've been feeling like shit, the girls and Wade have been sick too, something just kept getting in the way of my morning routine daily it felt like. I was so frustrated and deflated this morning that I didn't want to do anything. Wade, pushed me through it and as tired as he was, coming off his shift, he made me get out of bed and go for one of our walk and talks anyway. I am appreciative for him, if not for him this morning, I was have stayed in bed sulking. In the car we spoke about the motivational video I recommended he watch "Her Secret Method For Weight Loss Will Blow Your Mind" and he told me he really enjoyed it and it made him reflect a lot, because it opened his eyes and mind on more than just the 'diet topics' but life and addiction in general, as it did with me, hence why I told him he should check it out in the first place lol we love sharing awesome content with each other these days. Then we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 79 What If I'm Not Attracted to My Partner Anymore?" which was about, how addiction can change everything about what one thinks, desires and ultimately who they can become. What happens when you are no longer attracted to your partner anymore? Brannon walks Ashlynn and Coby through their own experience in this arena and what lead to it. Then, they talk about what lead them back to each other to grow deeper love than ever before. Wade and I discussed how both of us felt for years... during his addiction too, harsh reality, but the truth for sure.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had zero motivation today, didn't fight Wade when he convinced me to walk.

#Self-Care
6 Ways To CURE DEPRESSION


Her Secret Method For Weight Loss Will Blow Your Mind | Liz Josefsberg on Health Theory


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 406:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Free | Eager | -
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Proud | Excited | Tired

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-Care.
2) Recovery.
3) My morning walk.
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Last night, he told me that he got a lot done at work and it was well balanced between entertainment and recovery work, then in the morning helping me get out of my funk, he was very proud and I was proud of him too. Then we listened to the deep dive (extra content) for the BAE podcast "Ep: 79 What If I'm Not Attracted to My Partner Anymore?" which was interesting. They talk about connection and vulnerability a lot but don't often practice what they preach, it's kind of weird lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Maura Malloy Explains Why A Simple Life Is A Beautiful Life”, in this episode, Maura Malloy explains why a simple life is a beautiful life. "I became a minimalist when my passions and my goals became more important than my possessions" and "perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away" were the best lines.

This morning, Wade got stuck at work, the girls went to school and I decided to go walk, yes I wasn't sure at first but I convinced myself to go. During my walk I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "It’s Okay To Be Broken" his featured guest was Erica Garza, a journalist, and author of "Getting Off", at first the title threw me off, because I thought it was going to be about betrayal trauma but it was actually about Erica, a female PA. It was an honest and raw discussion of her past experiences with porn and sex addiction, and how it led to her to now be a voice for redemption for PA's and especially women throughout the world. Erica took her own shame, guilt, and fear surrounding the topic and turned to a path of self-care, support, and honesty. She goes into her past and explains how loneliness was a theme from early on in her life. At around 12, she masturbated compulsively and had a sense of guilt and shame about sexuality, with little to no discussion about what was happening. Then she was diagnosed with scoliosis at the same age and started to use masturbation and porn as a comfort to make herself feel better. This led to her seeking out continued experiences and scenarios that mixed pleasure and shame. They both explain how growing up in a family that doesn’t talk about sexuality can lead to a feeling of shame and confusion. Around her 30th birthday, Erica took a trip to Bali and paid more attention to self care and loving self-talk. During this time she met her future husband and found it refreshing to be accepted in her vulnerable state. After that podcast, I wanted a breather from recovery content, so I listened to a 'Something You Should Know' episode "The Airline Industry Inside the Cockpit" where Christine Negroni author of "The Crash Detectives" takes us inside the cockpit, as she explains what goes on 'inside'. She also tries to bust the myths that air travel is dangerous by claiming that in fact, air travel is the safest. Of course, when things go wrong they go horribly wrong and that's what makes it into the news cycle. She also brings up a great point, that everyday items we have had forever are beginning to disappear for good (keys, automatic transmission and more). It was a cool and informative one to listen to.

Then, when I got home I had a few hours of "me" time, which felt fantastic! I started watching a new series on Amazon Prime called "Bosch", so far I like it.

Wade mentioned that he watched another Impact Theory interview that I recommended to him and he had a lot of thoughts about it, I'm eager to hear what they were, hopefully, we'll get a chance to talk about it tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I wasn't motivated at first but convinced myself to follow through with my dailies anyway.

#Motivational
The masterpiece of a simple life | Maura Malloy


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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Thank you, I appreciate the kind words <3

 

DAY 407:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Vulnerable | Loved | Respected
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Content | Annoyed | Anxious

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) School hours! LOL.
2) Freedom to talk openly with my husband.
3) Motivational videos.
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Last night, we talked about the Impact Theory interview he watched "Tucker Max - How to Totally Reinvent Yourself", it was one that I watched earlier and found a lot of similarities between Tucker and Wade, like his childhood and even parenting etc., so I told him I think he should watch it and he did. He agreed, he found quite a bit of similarities and that was cool, I'm glad we can have these talks and about anything these days. Then he told me about an incident at work, he said he had a few temptations to ogle but was mindful and did not slip. Then we talked about various other topics and then it was time for him to head out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “An Inspiring Message Encouraging You To Break Those Bad Habits”, in this episode, you hear a message from various motivational speakers that inspire you to break bad habits that are holding you back and ruining your life. Remember, the only proper way to eliminate bad habits is to replace them with good ones.

This morning, Wade and I ran our weekly grocery errand and on the way there, began listening to 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty' episode: "Novak Djokovic: on One of the Greatest Comebacks in History". Novak, a famous tennis player takes us back to his childhood where he remembers confiding to his tennis coach instead of his own parents about the growing pains of being a young man. To be world class at anything it takes more than natural skill, it takes physical, personal, spiritual development and a healthy relationship with one’s own ego to begin a fulfilling journey to greatness - something we are all capable of, given we know how to use the appropriate tools Mr. Novak shares his personal journey with Jay shetty.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My hair was silky smooth today, after conditioning of course!

#Motivational
Tucker Max - How to Totally Reinvent Yourself


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 408:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Vulnerable | Loving | Free
Professional: Creative | Confident | Proud
Person: Energetic | Inspired | Peaceful

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Ability to walk this morning.
2) Learning Empathy.
3) Creativity.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we laid in bed and continued listening to 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty' episode: "Novak Djokovic: on One of the Greatest Comebacks in History". Novak, the world famous tennis player who goes into his relationship with his wife, his higher purpose and how he didn't really appreciate anything until he began self-care.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Worrying About Everything and Start Living”, in this episode, we learn how to stop worrying about everything and start living, with 7 steps. Those steps are 1. Recognize Your Worry is About Something Unreal, 2. Acknowledge that Worry is Wasted Energy, 3. See that Worry is a Denial of One’s Capability to Get Through Anything, 4. Cultivate Faith, 5. Surrender!, 6. Get into Good Feeling/Energy in Any Way You Can and 7. Visualize Positive Outcomes. Remember, instead of focusing on, and worrying about what could go wrong, focus on and get excited about what can go right.

This morning, Wade had a doctors appointment and initially, I thought I would go with him and skip my walk today but I reconsidered and decided to walk because I needed to - for me. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Getting Out of the Secret" his featured guest was Marnie Ferree, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Their conversation was about healing sex and love addictions, she went into her own story of recovery from abuse, and how our backgrounds and current culture shape the way we go about getting our needs met in love and sexual relationships. As a child, Marnie had unresolved losses, abandonment, family dysfunction and abuse within her close circle. This had a major impact on how she paired affection and attention with sex, hence how addiction was formed. Marnie now helps her clients see the unconscious patterns that emerge in their adulthood from previous abuse when looking for love and connection. They also go into our sexualized culture/society, even how some women come after men for sexualizing/objectifying them, but then those very women (especially some well-known celebrities) go out and wear really provocative clothes, in turn sexualizing and objectifying themselves. It was an interesting discussion.

Once we got home, I had to finish up a project for a client and Wade was readying himself for bed. He told me he needed to tell me something before he gets sidetracked and forgets. He said this morning at work he was tired/mindless and began zoning out, a few seconds into his zone-out he became aware that his eyes were zoned in on some coworkers ass. Once he became aware of that, he began utilizing his tools and began feeling all sorts of things from guilt, shame, fear etc. He knew he was going to tell me and the thought of disappointing me or what I would think was making his shame even worse. I listened to him and held his space, told him I have similar feelings when it comes to my own shame and fears, he thanked me and said he was grateful that he is able to talk to me. I am also happy we are able to talk about everything too, without anyone getting triggered. Later on, he had his group meeting with Coby, can't wait to hear about that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had a valid excuse to skip my walk, but didn't!

#Self-Care
Stop Worrying in 7 Steps


#Motivational
Michael Strahan on Escaping the Matrix and Finding Happiness


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 409:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Calm | Free | Playful
Partner: Eager | Respected | Vulnerable
Professional: Creative | Proud | -
Person: Content | Helpless | Anxious

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Honesty.
2) Recovery.
3) The warm weather.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he told me about his group meeting with Coby, he is really enjoying have a group of guys who are going through similar struggles to share with. I am happy for him and encouraged about his enthusiasm. A lot of the guys are in earlier stages of recovery, so he feels more like an AP/mentor to them, so it's giving him some practice in that arena.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline and Consistency: The Keys to Living a Successful Life”, this episode features a compilation of speakers addressing the importance of self-discipline and consistency. Remember, you are what you consistently do. Which plays a huge role in both healing and recovery.

This morning, we went to the mall for our walk and talk, although with this weather we could have/should have walked outside. Anyway, we listened to BAE's podcast episode "Is Your Partner Anxious?" which was about coping with anxiety. Coby said he was diagnosed with anxiety last year and he has been trying to figure out how it affects their marriage and recovery. They share first-hand accounts of what it means for Coby but also Ashlynn's view and perspective. I have suffered with it myself, I have panic attacks too, runs in the family, my dad has them too. I must admit, they have gotten a lot worse once I started healing and my own betrayal trauma recovery. I guess because I opened the door to emotions that I have kept bottled up and dormant for years, becoming vulnerable and honest was like opening a can of worms, hence why triggers (PTSD) have become panic attack hotbeds for me. As the podcast was ending, they were talking about how it's awesome that they can be a good resource for people because of that anonymity. That word triggered him to remember a temptation/urge he had last night. He told me that as he was searching to find Rob Weiss's podcast, those keywords also came up with a porn podcast, which jolted him and made him think that back in the day this would have been a great opportunity to secretly get his "fix" in, discreetly without me finding out because I would be under the impression he was just listening to recovery podcasts. He said seeing it pop up did pique his interest for a second but didn't do anything with it, just clicked on Rob's podcast but it didn't work and then quickly moved on to listen to an Impact Theory episode. I will say that I am glad that he did tell me today, we got to discuss it and he did not forget about this incident and suddenly, I find out about it (by chance) next week and then get triggered into oblivion because I would wonder why he kept it from me so long.

Speaking of anxiety, my dad's been in the ER for quite some time now for surgery. The waiting around for updates is always excruciating, Wade went to sit with my mom, my dad is in the recovery room, I'm sitting here with the kids who are driving me insane.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Getting better at taking in the information I am listening to!

#Motivational
Building Your Brain for Success with Legendary Neuroscientist V.S. Ramachandran


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 410:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Calm | Free | Playful
Partner: Thankful | Loving | Grateful
Professional: Confident | - | -
Person: Helpless | Frightened | Anxious

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) My morning walk.
2) Wade, really helping out with my dad.
3) Wade, being there for me.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we skipped our talk and watched Supernatural. I was out of it due to how my dad is feeling.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Overthinking Everything”, in this episode, Aaron Doughty talks about how to stop overthinking everything. Remember, worrying about how things might go wrong does not help things go right.

This morning, Wade was supposed to go on a school trip with our eldest, but my dad had some complications and needed to head back to the ER so Wade ended up going there with him instead. I needed to decompress, so I went on my walk alone. While on my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Focusing on the Partner" his featured guest was Marnie Breecker, Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. I really needed to listen to this one, finally an episode for the partner, some validation for our experience. They explain how finding out your partner is a sex addict and everything you have believed to be true for years has all been a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. They validated how most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior, especially when they are not educated about addiction. She talks with Rob about the various emotions that the betrayed go through, like anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family as they blame them for childhood trauma that may have led to the addiction. Then they have to deal with the conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. It was heartening to hear a whole lot of validation about the betrayed and how she is not crazy, all of the up's and down's etc.

I also wanted to take some time to express how grateful I am for Wade, today he really stepped it up and was there for me and my parents. I was and still am a wreck, so was my mom and he has been holding us up and handling everything. I really appreciate it, he really has been holding down the fort.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt emotionally drained, but still supported and held space for my mom!

#Self-Care
How to STOP Overthinking (EASIEST WAY)


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------
@Wade W. Wilson


---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you~

 

DAY 411:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | - | -
Partner: Free | Ashamed | Distant
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Overwhelmed | Anxious | Scared

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Morning Walk.
2) Dad feeling better.
3) Modern Medicine.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade was in the ER with my parents late. I was with the girls, zombie mode myself. We didn't talk much, he got home, he had one drink we watched a little tv and went to bed, both of us passed out. I didn't even remember to ask him how his day went at the hospital with all those nurses etc., and since he didn't bring anything up himself, I guess he didn't have any issues anyway.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Gain Confidence and Self-Esteem”, in this episode, our friends at FitLifeTV talks with us about how to gain confidence and self-esteem. 1) Use mental recall of past times situations circumstances where you were confident. 2) Lean into fear and 3) Simply change your physiology, like your posture (head straight, maintain eye contact etc. that automatically sends a signal to you of being more confident). Remember, believe you can and you're halfway there.

This morning, we walked and talked on the chilly trail. We listened to BAE's podcast "What Does Transparency Look Like?" which was about the role of transparency in your relationship. This episode has personal examples from Coby, when he was not being transparent and what the impact was on Ashlynn. Transparency in recovery will also be shared and what that looks like. The main difference between just being honest and full transparency is being upfront about everything before it becomes a potential problem. It was a good one, we had a good discussion and plan on listening to the extra content they posted on Patreon tonight.

After our walk, we had to go to Costco to shop, there were minor triggers there but I was okay with them. Then we had to stop by CVS to pick up some prescriptions, of course, after the stressful day I had yesterday, my big trigger had to be working today, the first thing we see as we enter, to greet us, sigh. Then to add insult to injury, after visiting my dad at the ER, when we were coming home, we also bumped into our neighbor, my other trigger. So, yesterday life decided to completely drain the shit out of me and then today it decided to keep punching me in the face, you know - I guess to check if I'm still alive I guess. Every time I encounter one of 'those' kind of triggers... my brain automatically begins telling me [I guess you can call it my spike narrative?] "yep, there she is, HER, the woman that I know he'd swap me out for if the opportunity ever came knocking, and in a freakin' heartbeat because THAT is who makes his blood rush. That's what he truly wants, he's settling with me, I will never be HER [one of his primes] in his eyes, no matter what he says or I do. I need to come to terms with that, is it something I want to or can live with for the rest of my life, feeling like I am not what the person I'm with, really wants or desires?"

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Handled two big triggers, half-decently (externally).

#Self-Care
3 Ways to Radically Boost Your Confidence


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 412:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Playful | Joyful
Partner: Content | Anxious | Confused
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Helpless | Nervous | Overwhelmed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Sunshine.
2) Music.
3) Journaling.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a really nice full body massage, it was very relaxing and my body needed it after the last few days, I felt like a mack truck has hit it. We spoke about the last two days, his slips at the hospital, thoughts, and feelings -- as well as my emotions and triggers.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Practice Self-Love and Acceptance”, in this episode, we hear from Caitlyn Roux, who shares some great information on practicing self-love and acceptance. Remember, being the best version of yourself inspires those around you to do the same.

This morning, Wade had to go to the hospital with my mom, to help my dad. He was discharged today, finally. It was an overall hectic, yet somehow mellow day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Spent the whole day entertaining my kids, especially the little one, while in the midst of a headache and stress.

#Self-Care
Self-Love, be Intentional | Caitlyn Roux


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 413:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Awe | Joyful | Playful
Partner: Energetic | Eager | Free
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Achy | Tired | Content

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) My dad being home.
2) Great talks today with Wade.
3) Coloring time with my little one.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we listened to the extra content posted for BAE's podcast "What Does Transparency Look Like?" which was about the role of transparency in your relationship. There is a difference between being honest and fully transparent. One is coming clean, usually after-the-fact and the other is being upfront about everything before it might become a potential problem. Wade is still learning how to be fully transparent, although I feel that he is being honest with me these days, sometimes, he does not think a few steps ahead - enough to maybe pre-warn or pre-tell me about something, before it becomes an issue or possible trigger. Then we watch Bosch as he gave me a quick but really soothing foot rub, really helped relax my body.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Forget The Past And Move On”, in this episode, Peter Sage shares his advice on how to forget the past and move on. Remember, memories take us back, while dreams take us forward.

This morning, we walked outside even though it was freezing and listened to BAE's podcast "What Are Their Intentions?". This one was a really, really, really good one! because there is NO and will not be a real recovery for EITHER the addict or the betrayed if the intent (your reasoning for being in recovery) is not right. Coby openly discusses the intentions that drove him to start specialized therapy, he was afraid of ending up in hell for cheating on Ashlynn a second time. However with time, education and the right kind of help those intentions evolved into the RIGHT ones, the led him on the path of real recovery, where it continues to stay and thrive. They discuss what factors helped change his intentions and why. Both Wade and I agree, that we both needed to learn to let go of our own fears and control of certain situations, in order to be able to move into this new space that we are in.

Later on, we had to go run some errands, so on the way, we finished the few minutes we had left of the BAE podcast in the car, also took that time to listen to their extra content for it from Patreon and then talked some more about the topic at hand. We picked up some prescriptions for my parents and after, went grocery shopping and kept to our budget (under $100!). There were a few triggers there for me, I caught Wade slip, he didn't say anything but I did see his eyes meet a woman's ass by the Deli, so I had to just walk away in order to distract myself, so I got mindless by going through the rest of our shopping list.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved the feel and look of my new hat and scarf.

#Self-Care
How to Break Free From the Past (And Start Living)


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 414:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Overwhelmed | Tired| Playful
Partner: Skeptical | Distant | Confused
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Energetic | Free | Perplexed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) My morning walk.
2) Photographic eye.
3) Solitude.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about his slip, which to be honest, after some thought (well, a lot of thought - so rant time coming...) I consider to be an actual ogle and the whole thing is still bothering me and has been all day. Yesterday, I saw her come up to the deli counter and the minute I did, I already knew she'd be an issue... her ass was big, round and in yoga pants - clear as day with Wade nearby, she was going to be a threat, even if she wasn't my usual 'trigger' because I know Wade loves asses and obviously can not help himself around them, even if it was Hatchet face herself and of course, within a few minutes he proved me right. Why was this an ogle and not a slip? because he is tall and she was really close, so he literally had to look down in order for his eyeballs to meet her ass, when to see what number was next he could have kept his head and eyes up over the counter, there was no reason to look down, other than to look at this woman's ass, period. Of course, he claims his eyes met her ass because he was scanning the area (for what purpose???) and it was just there, which is not true... because that would require distance and perspective to 'accidentally' be looking around and in the distance, at eye level 'slip' and look at someone's ass. This occurred right in front of my eyes, which reminded me of so many similar situations we had in that very location during the peak times of his addiction in the past... where he would ogle and walk off like nothing happened, completely disregarding the fact that I just saw him do it, my feelings or anything. So, last night, he did not mention this 'slip' until night time (and there were plenty of opportunities to bring it up, but he chose not to, then again he was under the impression that I had not seen him do it, so...) I am certain that he wouldn't have brought it up if he had not read that I watched him do it in my post last night. What really irked me on top of the 'slip' was that the whole time after, he kept trying to hug me, give me compliments like telling me how much he loves my ass and how much he wants me, which after what I just witnessed, I took as him trying to make himself feel better for checking someone else out. For me though, all I could think was "yeah, I wonder if this is exactly what you were thinking when looking at her ass too? 'how much you like her ass, how much you want her ass' at the end of the day, it obviously makes no difference to him, he'll look at any ass - her ass, my ass, whatever. My ass is half the size of the kind he prefers, so he must be full of shit when he is feeding me all those lines while fighting temptations to look at all those jumbotrons walking around. There is no way in hell, I am going to believe he wants me after watching him look at someone else, not going to happen, it also proves my point that I've been telling him for months. Then, when we began talking about it, he immediately when on the defensive and told me that he didn't realize I witnessed it because he thought I was standing at a different angle and he even got up and began trying to recreate the scene to show me, who was standing where... so, I couldn't have seen his eyes because this is where I was, where he was etc., which at the end of the day really does not matter because I know what I saw. I took his "recreation of the scene" reaction as gaslighting because it was an attempt to prove my version of events wrong, that I couldn't have seen him looking because of where I was standing, so obviously, I don't know what I'm talking about. If his version is true, then I missed out on so much money as a psychic since I can obviously predict that he slipped, where, when and on whom in a crowded supermarket. He thanked me for being open with him and telling him what was on my mind, how he appreciated that and it helps him learn. Even though we talked and it was difficult explaining all this to him because it's not easy for me (painful really, uncomfortable), I didn't feel we resolved it at the end of the talk, I still felt like my pain wasn't really understood, that it hurts to have to witness him do these things (it reminds me of all the other times, the hurts, pain and worst of all, how he will always want something, someone else) and then have my version of events be invalidated when he tries to prove that I couldn't have seen, what I'm explaining to him in detail, just like before - yeah he apoloigizes now, unlike before, and only after the fact, but it still happens to begin with, when it shouldn't (the gaslighting). So, I continue to feel triggered, distant and disconnected throughout today.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “10 Daily Habits To Improve Your Life”, in this episode, they give you 10 daily habits to improve your life. The ten daily's are 1. Get continuous rest, 2. Wake up early, 3. Easy healthy and exercise, 4. Meditate, 5. Plan, 6. Focus on high leverage activities, 7. Acquire new skills, 8. Read, 9. Interact with doers and 10. Reflect and evaluate. Remember, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.

This morning, Wade had to take my father to the doctor, so I went on my walk alone -- which turns out was a good thing, I needed the alone time to decompress and as much as I hate the bitter cold, be one with nature so to speak. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "The Neurobiology of Addiction" his featured guest was Dr. Don Hilton, an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Center at San Antonio, Dr. Hilton has been at the forefront in expanding what we know about the neurobiology of addiction. Their conversation was about the ways our brain learns addiction, how porn may be the “fast food of sex” and the need for our culture to catch up in education when it comes to sex and pornography. Dr. Hilton’s research and work help people get over the stigma of shame of addiction and instead learn to create what we really all want - authentic human relationships with a valid connection. After that, I turned on my music and allowed myself to just mentally release for a bit, music really is such good medicine.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I had a great excuse NOT to walk, I didn't take it and walked anyway because I needed it.

#Self-Care
10 Daily Habits That Will Improve Your Life


#Addiction
Pornography & the Brain: Understanding the Science of Addiction and Recovery


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 415:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary:
  "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Awe | Joyful | Annoyed
Partner: Guilty | Shame | Fear
Professional: Creative | Confident | Accomplished
Person: Motivated | Content | Exhausted

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) My morning walk.
2) Informative Podcasts.
3) Silence.
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Last night, continued to talk about my recent trigger and why it hit me so hard, it was both emotional and very uncomfortable, I'm just not a fan of being vulnerable although I've been making myself do it for months now. I tried to breakdown my issue, pain, and frustrations... I wanted to be completely honest and not hold anything back because that's what we're supposed to do, it's what I expect from him, therefore I can't deliver any less. I expected him to hear me out and hold my space, as I always try my best to do for him. However, last night I felt like I was not met with empathy but instead got a dreadful dose of minimizing, victimization on his part, and various other forms of deflective behaviors - which I understand might be his guilt or shame coming forth but it still felt really shitty on the receiving end. In the middle of our conversation, as I was explaining why the trigger hit me in the way that it did, how a chain of other actions made it worse and as he was responding, he adds "I just wish we could move on from this already". Whether or not he meant it literally or figuratively didn't matter to me, it made me feel as though my truth, what I was saying was an inconvenience for him to listen to and he just wished we were talking about anything but this - that got me jaded about sharing further. Anyway, after a bit more discussion, I just stated that his actions [ogling/then coming on to me to make up for it] confirms to me, that what I think in my head is accurate. I feel like he does love me, but I don't feel that he wants-wants me, like 'that' meaning finds me desirable, not more than his 'primes'. He fights me tooth and nail on this point, but I know what I feel inside. He won't like this next part, but it's my truth: to me, if you remove the love/connection part from our relationship, he would easily pick any of his primes over me, hands down and without hesitation, because I'm just not that girl for him and that's okay because everyone has a preference - I just wish he'd be honest with himself about it, so he could then be truly honest with me. That is how I feel, it is my truth and remains a fact to me, it is what it is. When I am in the vicinity of a 'threat' aka trigger, I feel like, to him, I am invisible and if given the option, he'd choose 'her' over me and the only thing that would stop him at the moment would be our current level of intimacy and connection. It sounds harsh, but that's my reality, I do not feel like he is physically attracted to me and probably never was, I think he settled because I was a "good girl" and I feel like he is forcing himself to find this elusive attraction because I'm here and the connection is strong on other levels. Even though he may not be physically attracted to me, I do believe he is in love with me and emotionally attracted to me. My breakdown may not make sense to some, but it does to me. Anyhow, after our talk, he went into the kitchen to prepare some food for work, I stayed another three minutes in bed, stretching my back, then got up and joined him there, as I normally do. As I stood there, he continued preparing his food, making his coffee, walking around and even went in and out of the kitchen [walking right past me, twice] without acknowledging my being there - like at all, I felt invisible - you know exactly how he made me feel in this marriage for 12 years pre-recovery.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Change Your Mindset Change Your Life”, in this episode, various familiar speakers simply remind you that changing your mindset, can change your life. Remember, if you want your future to look different from your past you must disconnect from your past and focus on your future.

This morning, Wade had to work, so I went on my walk alone and dagnabbit was cold AGAIN, nice welcoming SPRING! ha. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Rebuilding After Infidelity" his featured guest was Hope Ray, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. They discussed how there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets, discoveries, and infidelity. They talk about empathy for the partner and developing an intimacy radar. Hope's goal is to take away some of the stigmas of addiction and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. They also go through the love/hate relationship that the betrayed often finds herself in after she begins trying to heal and her partner is in recovery, constantly wondering whether to stay or go. They explain how sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. They are usually able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. Which was Wade, 110% and they even mention sitting around family or events and searching for "P" content on your phone, so you are "there" but not really, Rob and Hope also show support for partners by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing.

This afternoon he had to wake up a little early because he had his group with Coby. After that, we had to take our little one to the doctors. On the way there and back, he spoke to me about last night and how he is sorry for how he acted, he understands that he was in the wrong and playing the victim. Then he told me about his night and I told him a little about my day. It wasn't easy to talk with the little one because she wanted to be the center of attention. He did bring up a point I mentioned earlier, which was that I might not feel too obliged to be super candid with him anymore because honestly, I do not feel like he can handle or process it. He told me that he could, he will learn from this and change but I just don't know, I feel like my honesty just ends up hurting him and will set his recovery back. I hated how we ended things last night and then he had to drive to work/be at work in the emotional state that he was in. I did appreciate that he let me know when he got to work safely, but still, I don't like it. I rather just deal with the harsh truths/details on my own, than risk him acting out, setting back or getting in an accident.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I grounded myself a lot with music.

#Relationships
Secrets of a Couples Counselor: 3 Steps to Happier Relationships
1. Anything but Anger
2. Raising the Bar
3. "I would love it if..."


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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