Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

@TryingHard2Change we spoke, he said what I thought he would: he didn't mean it in that way, that it was because he had been thinking about what I said I wanted after my last C-section (Almost 4 years ago though). He thought it would make me happier about myself. I know he is trying to be 110% honest with me; however the fact that he blurted it out - at the exact moment I was changing in front of him means it was on his mind, at that moment, right? that's what makes sense to me.

 

EXACTLY THIS!

Yup, that's what he used to tell me each time I mentioned that... but this came out of no where and I was dumbfounded to be honest. It's different when I say it, you know... :-/

 

Thank you <3 I really needed that.

 

28 DAYS:

Almost at the 30 day mark, he's been honest with me about P/M/Urges - no issues with that (so far). I'm wondering if our setback from yesterday, will affect his PM reboot. I hope not, but who knows?

As for me, I'm still raw and reeling off of his comments from last morning. We talked and talked last night, this morning - shared tears etc., he claims it didn't come out the way he meant it but he knows he said it, is sorry and understands how I took it. Either way, he knows how ashamed I was of my stretchmarks/stomach after my first was born - how depressed I was, how long it took me to get to a point where I was okay with walking around him without being fully clothed/lingerie etc. After years of him constantly telling me that he loves everything about me and then last morning happened. I'm an emotional wreck, as if D-Day wasn't enough to deal with, sigh. I told him to keep away from my midsection, no grabbing, hugging there, touching, kissing, feeling - nada, because every time it will happen, it will make my mind go crazy with: "omg, did he just feel a strechmark?" "does he feel how my stomach is flabby?" "Is he thinking I'm nasty" etc. AND I can't help it, it will be a trigger for me, like it use to be.

I need some strength man, I'm a confused mess these days.

 

Sigh, it's not a fun place to be in :-(

I wish I could go to the Bahamas and just chill for a bit.

 

Thank you for the positive words Max

 

DAY 29:

We had another chat last night and this morning. He's been telling me that he hasn't had any urges to PM (which is great!) but that he notices when he is doing something routine, that it pops into his head that: "This would be usually when I would PM", but he says it's because it became apart of his schedule, so he notices he is skipping something. I don't think this is considered an urge, more so - as a matter of fact. Sort of like when someone goes on a diet and cuts out sugar, then finishes dinner and thinks "if I wasn't on this diet, I'd normally have a piece of cake right now". He has continued to be honest, open and more attentive, which I really appreciate, it's something that I really notice because it's been missing for 12 years. He keeps telling me "I know I was a horrible husband because I took you for granted, since we were already married, I didn't think I had to still court you". I reminded him: YES you brought me pain, sadness, distrust etc., but you weren't all bad. He was there for me for a lot of big events in our lives and I remember them and recognize them, but he said those events don't count because he wasn't being the man he was suppose to be throughout everyday, not just certain times. I'm glad he is finally looking at everything from my perspective, instead of just his own - it has made a drastic difference. That's some positive news

Now onto my recent trauma, the [his] words that threw my mind back into 2008 mode... I heard him out, he sounded sincere that he didn't mean it in the way it came out to me, something that he does often (and not just with me, so it is sort of believable) -- however, it still stings and not I can help that now I'm resorting to actions that I worked so hard to overcome over the years. Whenever he walks into the room now and I'm changing; I turn around so he won't look at my stomach or make sure the lights are off, he loves to cuddle but every time I hug him my brain says "don't let your stomach touch him". I don't want him to put his hands on my midsection, because I'm worried he'll feel the stretchmarks... and the thing is, as much as I DON'T want to think all that, I can not control it - it just pops in. He is under the impression that because of this, I've suddenly forgotten the changes he's made in the last three weeks, but I told him - no, I still acknowledge them, all is not lost. I've compartmentalized this specific trauma, I can separate it.

Sigh, my head hurts.

 

DAY 30:

Wow, 30 days; seems like D-Day was yesterday. I know it isn't a year or anything, but this is the first time he's actually done anything about his PA (other than saying "I'm sorry, never again"); so baby steps I guess. He hasn't had any urges, just the thoughts of "missing" something from his usual routine. He went back to work from his stay-cation last night, so I don't know if getting back "to normal" will affect his urges/triggers, I guess we will see as the days go on. My mind has been a whirlwind still, constantly going from okay to sad and then back and forth. I read a post on here: "Now do you understand how it feels? (spouse of a PA)" and sent it to my husband to read as soon as I finished it. I think it is an eye-opening perspective and a must read for any PA; at any stage of recovery. He told me this morning that he read it and it did shed some more light on the pain us S.O's feel. He has really been trying to understand his addiction, from my end of it. He's been reading a lot of articles and watching videos; and I think it has really helped him FINALLY see things from my vantage point. I can finally say, he is trying to "get me" instead of just saying sorry and moving on.

He's been giving me more attention then I am used to, he said he missed out on 12 years and he really see's that now and wants to make up for it and change it permanently. To me, it's still foreign and I don't know how long it will take for it to seem like normal behavior and not just like he is trying to pull some wool over my eyes - aka butter me up, so I move on quicker. FYI, I HATE feeling / thinking like that but I can't help it, because this was not my reality for over a decade; if that makes sense.

We'll talk more tonight, I want to know if going back to work triggered anything for him.

Ciao!

 

Yep, that's exactly where my head is at. I hate it too, but after all these years it's just how my mind is now programmed... to expect his [old] behaviors as normal. So, now that a switch has been flipped, I am constantly worrying that it is too good to be true, something is off. It's just so damn frustrating.

 

8 months! I have a long way to go lol

But then again, after 12 years of old behaviors, it could take forever for this to be normal for me.

 

Me too