Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 250:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I told him about a website I had found where he could get some professional CSAT help, he signed up and is waiting to be matched - we will see where this goes. He told me about a JK video he watched about the part of the brain that works on instinct and how that part of the brain gets triggered for addicts, when it's time to turn to their "comfort", just like for some people it's instinct to turn to comfort food when they feel sad. Then we spoke a little about the book he is reading that was recommended to him by JK. It is by a former addict who is now helping others break the cycle. The book is "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" by George Collins MA. Then I told him about the three type of habits I read about in my book and we discussed that for a bit. Started a new meditation session "Relax your Mind" and the first one was him doing the complete opposite, I was like WTF is this dude doing? he is talking and yelling nonstop, but he had a point and it was to make you aware of all the nonsense and noise and how to make it stop lol. Then he had to go to work.

This morning I added another "support habit" to my morning routine, I will watch or listen to at least one 5-10 minute positive self-care/motivational/uplifting message, at the start of my day. I subscribed to the "7 Good Minutes" podcast, today I listened to "Mel Robbins: Having a Happier Life", the message, in short, was live life for your own happiness and stop trying to mold yourself into someone else's happiness. He told he had a few things he wanted to talk to me about this morning, but our daughter needed to be taken to the doctors, so he went with her there and I went for my walk. I told him to hold his thoughts or jot them down if he had to and we'll discuss it tonight. As I walked, I took a few minutes to listen to some music, then I turned on my podcasts. I listened to "Broken Trust: Betrayal and Attachment Styles" a podcast, where Tim Cole (author of the book Broken Trust: Overcoming an Intimate Betrayal) talks about different types of emotional attachment styles and what they mean for both you and your partner. How often times, people don't realize what type of attachment personality/style they have and that is why they tend to be in constant conflict with each other. The four he mentions are:
1) Confident style of attachment: comfortable with intimacy, when problems do emerge, they are good at articulating their expectations, they're also very good at listening to their partners perspective and understanding their partners point of view. They realize that problems are going to come up, but it's "can we work together to solve it".
2) Concern style of attachment: they crave intimacy and they're very uncomfortable and they feel scared when their partners are close, available or responsive and they seek out a lot of reassurances, closenesses, and intimacy in the relationship and they don't have a lot of self-worth so they attach onto their partners and tend to get into relationships very quickly, hoping that the partner will provide a sense of safety and security.
3) Cool style of attachment: Don't like intimacy, they aren't comfortable with it. They dismiss or deny their emotions. They try to avoid closeness. They don't trust their partners and don't want to be hurt at any cost.
4) Confused style of attachment: They want intimacy, they desire it, but they don't want to trust or be hurt and they don't know what they want.

He says the quicker you figure out what style of attachment you fall into and which style your partner falls into, you can figure out how to make your relationship work better or if maybe you are your partner aren't a great fit at all. For me, I believe I was always a 'cool style' attachment type of person because I was always afraid that opening up would get me hurt (and I WAS RIGHT). Now that I've had a taste of true intimacy, I think I'm in the 'confident' style of attachment, because I prefer to just talk it out and resolving it together these days, or maybe I'm just confused lol who the hell knows.

Then I changed gears and tuned into Finance 101 with Brent Dunn "Budgeting Made Easy" because I really want to learn how to get our household finances in order and manage all of it better. He talks about shifting your mindset about budgeting, instead of thinking about it as restrictive 'must do', approaching it more as a form of financial peace and freedom. He stresses that there are 3 main things that you must have in place in order to budget in the best way possible: 1) Mindset - Discipline = Freedom. If you have the discipline to save money now, you will have freedom down the road in retirement. 2) Map - You need to know where you are and where you want to be if you want to make a meaningful budget. 3) Method - Anti-Budget. The anti-budget is the simplest form of budgeting out there. All you do is take out the money for investing and bills off the top of your paycheck, then spend the rest how you want. He recommends utilizing tools that are easily available to you, if not a financial planner, then there are loads of apps out there that help you manage your money. Once things settle, I want to really dive into Mint.com and write out our budget, break it down and hopefully figure out a way to get out of debt. Figuring out a good budget for our household is one of my elephant goals, I need to first start approaching it in small increments, every day adding things to an excel or Evernote spreadsheet, maybe add it to my midday routine right after lunch, and then hopefully gathering all of that information and putting it together in order to create a formal budget for us.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As frustrated and tired as I was today, I still made my rounds.

#Self-Care
How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins


#Motivational
Everyone Needs To See This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156673877569769

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 251:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he told me about some points where he related/connected to, within "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" by George Collins, a book that was recommended to him by JK, a PA coach. He said that something he read led him to think about, that there may be a connection between what he caught his mom doing, to what he ended up doing when he committed the worst of his betrayal towards me. Then he told me about a few real-life stories that the author used as examples of what he does in his practice, to help break addictions - very unconventional, yet effective ways. He also read me a quote from the book that I really liked and felt like it made a lot of sense, I even asked him about it a bit further after: "You can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you. If you keep trying to get that “something”—whatever it is that you get over and over while remaining unsatisfied—you’re an addict". He agrees with that quote and it makes total sense and so I asked him, what about now, do you feel like you are still searching for that void to be filling, while remaining unsatisfied? and he said no, that now that even when we don't have sex, when we just talk, walk together or do anything where we connect, he feels whole and satisfied, nothing at all like it was when he used P as a "bandaid". Then we had a short conversation about different emotional attachment styles and how each person has their own one, because of the podcast I heard and then wrote about last night. We didn't talk about it too much because he had to go to work, it's kind of good because that topic is a though one to really go into, just when I began getting personal he had to cut me off because he needed to get ready to leave for work, but this time I didn't mind that, because it stopped me from getting too vulnerable, I don't plan on revisting this topic again anyway, so dodged a bullet there lol.

This morning - to start my day I listened to the "7 Good Minutes" podcast, today's episode was "Will Smith: Never Be Outworked, where his main point was we are who we choose to be, there are no limits, the only limits we have are the ones we put on yourself. If you work hard, and you may need to work harder then the next person, but if you just keep doing it, you will get to where you want to be, it's all about your hustle. "If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready" - Will Smith. Then we went for our walk. He told me about his night and he said he had a few instances where he had to center himself, use the breathing/focus techniques we've learned from meditation in order to bring down his shame. Then he said he almost had a slip, well he doesn't recall if he slipped (ogle) or not, he saw a threat, one of his primes. She was wearing a one piece, skin-tight outfit with a v-neck, exposing her cleavage. He claims he didn't ogle her ass, but may have slipped on boobs because they were just there, I appreciate his honesty.

When I got the girls settled, I read a little bit more of the book I am currently on. The chapter talks about the myth of motivation, meaning motivation alone does not work. Which kind of shocked me to read that because I thought that in order to stick with stuff, you really need to depend on motivation. He states that "sure, you can listen to upbeat music or read an inspiring quote to create an energized state but it’s a temporary feeling, motivation won’t get you through those times when you’re tired and uninterested in working at an important goal". He mentions a concept known as ego depletion, which is a person’s “diminished capacity to regulate their thoughts, feelings, and actions.” That, our willpower is like a muscle. It weakens throughout the day because of constant use. People don’t achieve peak results with a task because of motivation. Instead, the number of decisions and completed tasks ultimately determine their level of success with a new task. This leads to two important lessons that will ultimately determine your success at forming habits: You have a finite amount of willpower that becomes depleted as you use it. You use the same stock of willpower for all manner of tasks. It’s important to recognize that your levels of willpower (and therefore motivation) will decrease as the day goes on. This means that if you’d like to make any significant, lasting change in your life, you need to schedule it as early in your day as possible. So the best time to work on a high-priority activity is first thing in the morning because that’s when we’re at our freshest. And then your ability to work on complex tasks diminishes as the day wears on.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got my monthly family budget/expenses project started.

#Motivational
Oprah Winfrey | 5 Minutes For The NEXT 50 Years of Your LIFE


Michelle Elman: Have you hated your body enough today?


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 252:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we worked on a response together to a counselor he got a message from, we wanted to ask her a few questions to see if she would be a good fit for him. He decided he wanted to try and switch up when he completes his journal on work days, so he has more time and feels less rushed at home. I think whatever works for him, keeps him on track and balanced - is what he needs to do. I'm just happy he is trying different methods to just see ways to make recovery and life more balanced for himself.

First thing, I listened to the "7 Good Minutes" podcast, today's episode was "Lisa Nichols: Be Willing To Let Go", where her point was, the reason a lot of people won't become who they want to be - is because they are too attached to who they've been. For years I was living in my own self-pity party and misery, hopelessness and I pretty much just gave up on life and ever being happy, but then I hit my version of rock bottom, just like she mentions - when you finally realize it is no longer working for you any longer, you just know and that is when real change can begin to manifest, because you are finally open and willing to let go of everything and everybody that has been dragging you down. A powerful message this morning.

This morning he was happy to tell me that he felt accomplished, he got a good amount of recovery work done and then had extra time for some of his tv shows, so he didn't need to feel guilty about watching. He watched/listened to "Addiction – don’t let the bear catch you" a TED talk by Steve Gill and "HOW TO BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE" by Tony Robbins, both videos I've posted before and ones I really recommend that others check out, it's worth the combined 30 minutes. He told me they made him think about a few points, how his motivation for starting recovery, staying in recovery and determination to beat this monster for good has been changing and evolving the further along he gets and the more he learns about himself. Then we talked about what he found interesting in my last journey entry (about ego depletion from habit stacking, starting important tasks first thing not to lose willpower later etc), all of our talks these days have just been great and I think that is because we have a lot of content to talk about, he has his and I have my information to share, plus we also add our thoughts and opinions to the mix. This week has definitely given us a much need connection boost from the drain that we suffered the last two weeks right before it.

In the afternoon I couldn't help but get a little triggered by an exchange I had yesterday, with another member of this site in private. He, of course, was talking from a male's perspective, but he said [in regards to ogling] “However, most women are like you. They don't like their men checking out other women. We (men) just like to appreciate beauty wherever we see it.” - So, as the victim, well, of a serial ogler, I responded from my perspective and I wanted to share it here, with others, so maybe they could relate or get a better understanding of what it's like for us. Here was my response: "Well, 'appreciating beauty wherever we see it' is a nice theory and might even be okay if done once in a while when ALSO giving your partner enough attention too. In my husband's case, his addiction caused him to be a serial ogler, to the point where he would do it in front of me, all the time. It didn't matter what we were doing, the occasion, where we were, with whom - he ruined EVERY SINGLE date, dinner, event for me because he looked at everyone else, more than he ever bothered looking at me. It got to the point where I would fake illnesses or blame being too broke on our anniversaries, valentines day, birthday's just to have an excuse to 'celebrate' at home, instead of at a restaurant because why the hell would I want to dress up, go on a date to watch him check out other women and ruin my night? I was getting more attention from every other man in the room, then him, for years. You have no idea what that does to someone's self-esteem, security in a relationship and self-worth, I felt like garbage. I could have had 100 male models drooling over me and that wouldn't have made a difference, because the one man whom I wanted to look at me, was busy looking at anyone, but me."

Then I watched "Mel Robbins: You don't think you deserve it" and I plan on bringing this video up to Wade tonight when we talk, maybe even playing it for him, it's not so long. At around 5:10, she says if you can not stop certain self-negative behavior/talk, make sure you have help, someone there to assist you, serve as a reminder when you're "doing 'that' thing again. I've sort of been doing it over the years for him, when it comes to his aggressive tone towards our older daughter because his mom has always been this way with him and I don't want him that way with her. But if he needs me to catch him in other behaviors, that are self-sabotaging and wants me to bring something up to him that he needs to be more aware of / or vise-versa (with my own issues), it should be something we consider or try to do, or both of our self-care journey's.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Chipped away some more at my elephant goal!

#Motivation
Mel Robbins: You don't think you deserve it!


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 253:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At night we went over the same topics from earlier in the day, about how our talks have been great the last week, same with our connection, compared to how things were during the fast. How dealing with our own personal issues like shame, guilt, fears etc., have become easier after we've been able to bring them up to each other, in the past - it would have never happened. Then we went over the trigger I wrote about in my journal post, from a conversation I had earlier, about "appreciating beauty" from an ogler's point of view vs his SO's point of view, two very different tales. Then we had some time to watch The Walking Dead and Arrow, which was nice.

Recently, my whole body has been in so much pain, I don't even know why I'm not doing anything different or out of the ordinary - maybe it really is that I'm just getting old lol, I think I may look into one of those mall massages or maybe even something on the cruise if they have a good deal, because it has been a while since I got a full body massage, I may even splurge and get both a back and reflexology one because my feet are a trainwreck.

To start me off right this morning I listened to the 7 Good Minutes podcast, today's episode was "Robin Sharma: Never Settle For Less Than Your Best", where he reminds you to never settle for less than your best, just because you've been programmed by society, your environment/upbringing for a set way of thinking does not mean you can not evolve or change that, you just have to break the cycle. Wuse when you are a child it's okay to be creative, to think outside the box, it's even encouraged and "cute"! but as soon as you get into school, you have to follow all the rules, do, say, and think exactly as required by the set standard etc., our parents project their beliefs on us, their behaviors are projected on us too, but he says you need to hit the reset button and do YOU, for you! "Close all your escape routes, burn all your plan b’s and get busy doing that dream that only you were built to do". Of course, my zen mood was quickly killed when my kids started screaming and yelling like maniacs and driving me nuts, but I digress.

This morning/afternoon we spent the whole day together, walking, talking and reflecting on the last few days. We talked about him being nervous about his upcoming (first) professional therapy session, but he is also excited about it too. How self-care has made a big difference in both of our lives, ho I am so proud of him for actually doing it and not brushing it off and 'hippie dippie bullshit' like he would have in the past. We listened to some BAE podcasts, as well as a self-care one about changes in life and how one should try to prepare for them, but studying others who have gone through life-changing events. Then I told him about a new term I learned in my current book, "cognitive load" [which refers to the work put into creating a permanent store of knowledge]. "We all know that tracking your expenses is the key to mastering your financial life. Honestly, it’s not hard to write down an expenditure—it’s an action that takes a few seconds to complete. But it’s easy to forget because it’s not an automatic part of your daily routine. If you don’t use what’s called a “trigger” to remind you of this action, then tracking your spending is hard to remember on a consistent basis. I don’t think it’s because we’re lazy or unmotivated or can’t find the time. Instead, the difficulty is related to a concept called cognitive load. Let me explain. We all have a finite limit on our short-term memory. It’s been said that most people can only retain seven chunks of information. Since a tiny fraction of what you know is stored in your “working memory,” you have to rely on long-term memory and existing habits to accomplish almost every task in life." So, then he says "my question is, how do you remember to brush those pearly whites? Well, the main reason is because this small action is usually “anchored” to a larger routine that you complete when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed in the evening. Brushing your teeth doesn’t strain your cognitive load because it’s now an automatic action. I feel the answer is related to the fact that tracking your expenditures isn’t anchored to an existing routine, which is the main reason why it’s important to build habit stacking routines into your day".

Tonight the plan was to try and play some video games together, but I also surprised him and got him the Deadpool 2 movie, so I don't know if he will have the willpower to not watch it immediately LOL.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Found Jordan Page on my self-care journey, mission elephant goal = becoming debt free, getting inspired.

#Self-Care
HEALTHY HABITS: 10 daily habits that changed my life (science-backed)


How to budget! + get out of debt! (The SIMPLE WAY)


#Motivational
This will bring you success for the rest of your life


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 254:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we finally got to catch up on a little bit of gaming lol - it's been a long time, seems like something always gets in the way of it. Afterward, he told me that he needed to talk to me about something, I initially thought, hmm what could have happened in the hour and a half of game time? but then when we started he said it was from earlier when he went to Costco with my parents, but didn't want to bring it up because he knew we'd end up canceling the game night and just talk the whole night through, which he is right. He said he had a shame flare up because he saw one of his primes, multiple times there (same woman). He was also having a difficult time because he slipped as he was going to grab a shopping cart and she was right there and his eyes were drawn straight to her ass since she was his prime ogling body type, but with a glance, he didn't rubberneck or purposely scope her out to ogle, she was already there. He knew if I was there, I would have been triggered for sure. He said that he knew if he didn't tell me, he would be sitting in that shame and it would eat him alive and present itself in other ways. Then after we went inside and were getting ready to head to bed, he said 'get ready for a massage' and I just looked straight at him and rolled my eyes and said, "did you read my journal or something?" and he nodded "yes but I was planning on doing it anyway" and I was like, yeah okay, that's why you haven't in weeks lol until now, what a coincidence, I don't like games and he knows that. Not to mention, he was planning on doing it so much, that he passed out within 10 minutes of laying down lmao, right.

I listened to the 7 Good Minutes podcast, today's episode was "Tony Robbins: Stop Suffering" this morning, his main point: trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole life will change in that very moment. If you are suffering, there's only one reason, things aren't meeting your expectations and what are the chances that everybody, everything in your life will always meet the expectations you've set up for it/them in your mind? for the rest of your life - that's a very good point. I will try to apply it in my own life, but for some reason, I have a feeling this will take me, in particular, quite a long time. "Your state of mind is always your choice".

Today we really had a productive day, we woke up promptly, got the day rolling when he made us those tasty lemon waters, then we went on our morning walk {exercise} had a really good talk, we discussed and planned out our family budget goals {thanks Jordan Page!} because we both agreed, we need to get our finances and debts in order. It is really nice to be able to talk about literally anything these days, because same time last year, we wouldn't be able to have this kind of serious discussion without arguing or saying some concepts or ideas are stupid, not to mention he was lying to me so much, about so many things - he wouldn't be able to be honest about where the money was going or how much he was spending - so budgeting wouldn't work and I'd just keep getting more and more frustrated. I just stopped caring about everything back then, that the minute he would frustrate me about it, I'd lose focus and say forget it and give up on budgeting at all. Now things are different, we both agree, we are coming at everything these days are a team, the way marriage should have been from the start, two people working together against all odds - not how we've been, you know "married, but single". Then when we got home, we finally cleaned out one of our closest {hallway} --> one elephant goal down! (YAASSSS) that closet hasn't been touched since we moved in, so about 4 years lol. Then I handled setting up what we need for budgeting to get that process going and he did some of the housework that has been stacking up. The big budgeting mission is something we plan to kick off in November, I am so excited to start, woohoo!

Fun little side note in my current book that I thought I would share: “Small, Smart Choices + Consistency + Time = RADICAL DIFFERENCE” repeating the same positive actions daily can have an amazing impact on your long-term goals. How do I know it works, because I'm living proof of the exact samples he brought up LOL I literally have implemented this and have had the results he has mentioned! "Want to lose weight? You can maintain a food log and write down everything you eat" {I have been using the APP My Fitness Pal to log my meals! and the weight has been coming off}. "The core benefit here is accountability. When you know that you must record every item put into your mouth, you’ll skip the occasional sweet or piece of junk food. Repeat this process enough times and you’ll steadily lose weight—without going on a diet". This book was an amazing find, I am so happy I stumbled upon and thanks to Jim Kwik, got inspired to read ;-) #SelfCareFTW

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
A lot of productivity done today, feeling very accomplished!

#Self-Care
Mel Robbins: Cure your fear of disappointing people


#Motivational
Dr. Wayne Dyer - 5 Lessons To Live By


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 255:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was my last doctor's appointment with my primary doc that I love, she found another opportunity elsewhere and that sucks for me - big time. The visit was fun, Wade and she had a few minutes of poking fun at my ginormous jugs LOL anyways, on our way out she even gave me her cell number so we could KIT, I hope she comes back to our area at some point, I don't want to find a new primary! ugh. Then last night we had a movie night at home, as we were about to begin he told me he got a message from his new counselor but he was planning on responding in the morning - I told him no, I said that I believe that responding to messages from her should take top priority over everything right now - so he did just that and then he agreed that it was the right call. Afterward, we watched "Deadpool 2", halfway through my Nyquil was kicking in and I needed to head to bed so we decided to finish the movie later and went to bed. We didn't talk at night but we talked a lot throughout the day as I mentioned in yesterday's journal - it was a whole day full of productivity, which made both of us feel accomplished.

I listened to the 7 Good Minutes podcast, today's episode was "Brendon Burchard: Living Intentionally" this morning, the main point: the difference between passion and obsession, as well as living intentionally. There is a difference between passion and obsession and high performers have an obsession with the topic they are obsessed about, the topic in which they're trying to learn, master, grow into and so that obsession is real. The difference between the two, passion is when people admire you for it, and obsession is when you do it too much and people think you’re crazy. Then he also goes into the importance of figuring out "intentional living" which is the concept of knowing WHY we do what we do. It’s what makes us put down our phone, turn off the TV, declutter our homes, and make the moments in our lives matter. Our WHY is the filter we run our choices through and it’s the landing pad we fall back on.

On my quest to find financial freedom (debt freedom actually), we decided to try the Jordan Page budgeting method, because I looked into our finances and how much we have been spending nonchalantly, then sitting in credit card debt and wondering "but, why!?" I was like "ommgggggggg" we have got to do something. Well, I'm not going to open 7 bank accounts, because I already have 4, so after much research, in order to basically force our hands to use that allotted $100 per person/per week and $50 for other per person/per week, I downloaded the Movo App, it's free, no fees, it's like a reloadable virtual debit card/cash card, that you can transfer money into. So I opened on account on my phone (my name) for Groceries and then his account will be for Other, every week I will transfer the $100 into my card and $50 into his. This way we can just pay with either of those two cards for the week through Samsung Pay, without needing physical cash or our bank cards. I'm hoping this will work like it has for so many others that follow her.

I walked alone today, he had to work, we did speak on the phone for a bit during my walk. I told him about a video I watched by Jordan Page and her husband, which I thought the concept was brilliant (video posted below) because it goes right along with planning things out, starting routines/making habits etc., but given our current situation, it may be a bit premature to start something like this since we don't know if this time in 2021, we'll still even be married - as much as I love him and as much as we are so connected emotionally, I don't know if mentally I will be able to believe he really wants/desires me, physically, in the way I want to be wanted (by him or any man), and without that security I can not be happy/fulfilled in this relationship and if I am not happy, I can not stay or it will be just as it was for the last 12 years. He told me that we should still try and apply whatever they are suggesting and see if it brings about positive changes, but he hasn't watched the video yet, it's about relationship/family goals and planning, but when you don't know if you're going to remain together, adapting to those type of habits/patterns might only make separating so much harder because you depend on each other so much more. Not to mention, getting the kids used to a certain way of living with both of us, to then take that away would be horrible for them in my opinion, unfortunately he has to go to sleep and go straight to work, then he is staying late again tomorrow, so he won't be able to watch this video nor will we really be able to talk about any of this until maybe tomorrow or Saturday.

Then, as life never seems to let up, a bad news bomb fell on me today, I can not share what, but more likely than not due to unforeseen circumstances, we will end up having to cancel the cruise, two weeks before setting sail. After spending months working on ourselves, together to get mentally prepared, setting up scenarios and finally getting excited about going, this just sucks. We've spent money on getting stuff for the cruise, I prebooked shows, etc - I just feel like ripping my hair out and crying my eyes out of anger and frustration. Out of all the weeks, like, seriously... #FML is all I can scream.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to keep my head up after a day of bad news.

#Relationships
How we plan our ENTIRE YEAR in advance!


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you for your support. It isn't 110% canceled yet, but a 97% chance, waiting on a phone call at this point, sitting on the edge. Which is the worse feeling in the world, anxiety is through the roof.

Writing is helping big time and self-care videos, centering myself. Talking it out with Wade as well.

I appreciate the kind words. <3

 

DAY 256:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he slept and then rushed out to work, we didn't really have much time to talk about anything, I spent the entire evening sulking at the fact that we're probably (still holding out slight hope) going to have to cancel our cruise, after working so hard to get to a point where we were both ready, kind of nervous and excited about going. When I walked into the bedroom, on our bathroom mirror were over a dozen sticky's that he put up with cute little messages. It brightened up my mood and made me forget my situation, if only for a little. He'll probably be mad, but I'll share *some* of what he wrote because it was so cute "I love your smile / I love your eyes / I love kissing your neck / I love your hips / I love your hair / I love your lips / I love your heart / I love your kisses / I love your touch / I love your kindness / I love hugging you / I love kissing you / I love your determination / I know it still sucks that we might not go on the cruise but we still have each other"

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Tim Grover: Achieving Peak Performance" and the main point: while your body has limitations, your body does not. "We all have next level ability, your boss isn't holding you back, your parents aren't holding you back - those are just excuses. There's no such thing as luck, all luck is preparation meeting opportunity. You have to be ready, prepared for that situation. Everybody runs from pressure - pressure is a privilege. If you're an employee of a company and the boss puts you into a pressure situation, that's a privilege, he believes in you - so you better deliver". This podcast was the one that was up this morning, wow, but my mood is just so blah, that I can't even take it in or function properly right now, but I am trying. Although the irony of this message and my current situation is not lost on me at all.

I walked alone this morning again, he had to work. I had so much running through my head, just shit spinning in circles, piling on, between recovery and the high/low/throat punch of having to possibly/maybe or maybe not cancel this trip - two weeks before we're supposed to set sail! omg, I just can't with this shit, I am feeling so fucking defeated right now. I still made sure to do some recovery/healing work today, no matter what. I can not afford to give myself any excuses to skip out on recovery/healing work or I'll leave the door open for skipping out on it more and more. I listened to a BAE podcast about "Breaking Down "The Fight", I have listened to it before on YouTube, but relistening to it again was refreshing and I agreed with a lot of their points, all over again. Wade and I do find ourselves here, at the point these days, where if we bud heads, we can get to a point where we can sit down, talk it out and reach a solution, unlike before when I would shut him out, bottle up and just move on (but not really) and he would just shrug, say whatever and not care because the "issue" was over with. Then he called me and we talked on the phone a little bit, he did a good job on holding my space this morning and I felt good after we talked. We spoke about my panic attacks, fears, anxiety etc - he knows how much I hate discussing this topic, it is not easy for me (it is a really sore spot for me), but he actually did well with empathizing with me this time. In the past, he would make me feel like my reactions were me being 'childish' or 'overreactions' like it was something I could control and was acting out on purpose or something I could just stop when I couldn't and it would just get me even more frustrated or "it's not a big deal, stop worrying so much" and not understanding what is actually going on in both my mind and body too.

The day was excruciatingly long, the last almost 24 hours have felt like a nonstop trigger induced up and down panic attack, without much room for a breather. It was nice when Wade did get home, just receiving his hug and embrace. I wish I had his hug(s) last evening/night, but he was sleeping, I felt so miserable, alone and my anxiety was through the roof for hours straight. Anyway, we had a quick lunch together, then he told me that he did have a trigger today when he was picking up the mail, he saw one of my catalogs where there was a model in a bra, he said he said to practice some self-talk, something he learned about in the book that he is reading. He talked himself out of looking further or flipping through the whole catalog, he just threw it out - which is a good thing (and bad, because I'm now wondering if he threw out some coupons, but whatever lol). I am glad he fought his urge and that he fought his shame in order to bring it up to me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

#Healing
Mel Robbins - How to CONTROL YOUR MIND:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 257:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night was really nice for me, it really helped ground me after so much stress. We talked as he gave me a foot rub, but then he told me to turn around so he could hold me, so we spooned and talked some more. We talked about a few things, including our current dilemma and then I told him I rather talk about other stuff. Then we talked about the Jordan Page video about planning for the year. I told him I love her plan, ideas and the concept is brilliant in my opinion and he actually agrees. So, let's do it! right?! wrong, I told him I don't know if it's a good idea, he still thinks it is, so we had a heart to heart where I told him my biggest fears but we'll see if we can work it all out. He held me and my space well last night. I felt so comfortable and relaxed in his arms, I wish he was home last night.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Vishen Lakhiani: Setting and Achieving Goals" and the main point: setting and achieving goals. This podcast really made me think and gives you an exercise to work on too. He asks you to grab a piece of paper, so you can ask and answer 3 questions for yourself. EXPERIENCES | GROWTH | CONTRIBUTION. What experiences do I want to have during my lifetime? In what ways do I need to grow to have those experiences? and how can I contribute to the world? if you are able to put it down on a paper, it makes it more real and gives you the vision to strive for. He starts with a good point, that when you write it down, you soon realize that a lot of your goals, don't require a lot of money to achieve and people make the mistake of assuming their goals often do, so they just don't bother doing anything. I looked up his theory/exercises and found more information for those who'd like to try, I definitely will this week. I also found the printables and want to try this exercise with the whole family!

Click here for the Step-by-Step Guide to Setting Goals by Vishen Lakhiani (download the PDF printable here)


We couldn't walk and talk this morning due to the heavy'ish rain, but I still came out and we rode around in the car a little so we could talk for a bit. He told me he was planning on changing up how he handles his writing schedules, to be more productive and I said that he should try and see what works best. Then he told a bit about some of the responses he got from his AP's and some of their suggestions, which were great. We discussed the minor trigger he gave me this morning, then he told he doesn't want to lie to me anymore, he doesn't want to be that 'old guy' anymore, he is enjoying this new life with me, this new lifestyle he has too much and never wants to go back to being that loser. I do believe him and I told him that. I think I believe him not only because I see him actually putting in work this time, but because after doing all of this self-care work myself, it's like a breath of new life was put into me and I never want to go back to the old, miserable existence I knew/felt before. But given my history with him, there is still something lingering within me that screams: BEWARE, remember those 12 years! it is so difficult to explain. I love him so much, and I love all of these new changes so much, we have so much more in common (and even disconnected we had a ton in common) and he's finally becoming the man I thought I was marrying {the ideals I made up in my own stupid head apparently} but I don't know if it's too good to be true or not, I'm just so confused and I don't know if it too late for my brain to accept any of this as 'true changes/facts', if the betrayal trauma is just too far gone, if I will ever believe that I am really his physical type or that I will ever be his "prime" type {physically} especially when I a reminded of everything I am NOT, when I see one of his primes and they are everywhere, this is all so damn difficult.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Went through the last 3 months of bills, as well as found all of our recurring yearly subs and wrote it all out!

#Self-Care
Vishen Lakhiani: The 3 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I know and I try to help him to the best of my abilities.

 

DAY 258:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, while he watched some anime with our daughter, I was watching some comedy clips on Facebook and came across this old man, who made me literally laugh out loud like I have not in a long time. So, he came out and was like "what are you watching?!", so we started our nightly talk late as it was already but decided to watch some comedy clips for a bit anyway and it was nice to just sit and legit laugh. Then we went into some recovery talk and cuddling and it was nice, then he had to go to work and the bed was cold again.

Okay, I just have to share it with you guys (sorry in advance, millennials LOL)

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1590464244413119

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Jim Kwik: Improving Your Memory" and the main point: pretending everything is fine when it's not is just holding you back, it's a form of denial! it's basically imposter syndrome. Don't let your fears overcome you, remember if you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them! through struggle come strengths. "Something a lot of people don't realize or even talk about much is there's post-traumatic growth: some people go through an immense amount of trauma, difficulty, and challenge but come out of it actually more empowered, they say to themselves that because of going through this I found a new strength, I found my superpowers, I found a new meaning in my life, a new level of commitment, I found a mission - setting new goals and achieving them for the first time in their lives".

We walked and talked, he told me about a grounding method he read about in his book, where if he gets an urge to ogle, look at porn or 'act out', he would stroke his beard. He called it "the beard method" or something. Basically, it is to remind yourself that you are no longer a horny teenage boy, who has no self-control, you are an adult man, wake up and come back to planet earth and remember your surroundings. I'm paraphrasing of course, but he explained it sort of like that. He said he tried it a few times throughout the night and it seemed to help him. Then he told me about a few slips he had at work, he said he was really tired and zoned out and then noticed his eyes were on someone's ass and as soon as he "woke up" he immediately realized it and turned around to avoid looking further. He said all of the slips were unintentionally and not because he felt an "urge to look", but more because he was looking in a direction and someone walked into that area, right in front of him. He knows a slip is a slip, but I also said, like it or not, subconsciously he still wanted to look, right? because he could have zoned out and found himself staring at a guys ass, or an old lady's ass, or even an ass of someone he finds unattractive -- but he was zoned in on an ass he would have normally enjoyed ogling, so in all, there is still a difference, even in slips. However, we discussed why it was important for us to have these talks, how him expressing these thoughts, feelings and experiences are apart of fighting his shame, remaining honest with himself and me... plus keeps our line of communication open, honest and a safe place to be vulnerable. We wouldn't be here, were it not for these talks. He wants to tell me stuff, not only to fight shame but to listen to my perspective, thoughts, and opinions on what's going on - to get my rationalizations sometimes. In turn, I am blunt and honest back, not like I use to be, I'm fighting my own battles (bottling up) and telling him exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking, this prevents assumptions, filling in blanks, questions and other issues down the line. We are both in a different and better place because of it.

Later on in the day, I had a few moments to read a little more of my current book, I got to a new chapter where the author goes over the 9 rules to building a stacking routine, I'm not going to copy everything, just the titles if you want all of the details you can always buy the book here.

9 Rules to Build a Habit Stacking Routine
1. Attach the stack to an existing habit. *keeping to "if-then plans" (also known as implementation intentions) can help you stick with a goal and, more importantly, will prevent those times when you want to skip a day.*
2. Complete each habit in five minutes or less (usually).
3. The entire routine should take under thirty minutes. *The most important thing to remember here is consistency.*
4. Build daily, weekly, and monthly stacks.
5. Each small habit should be a complete action.
6. Pick simple-to-complete activities.
7. Map out a logical progression for each routine.
8. Use a checklist to manage the process.
9. Include habits that relate to your priorities.
This checklist should be a set of actions done the same way, in the same order each day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My body has been going through a whirlwind of stresses and emotions, if not for the tools self-care has provided me, I'd be knee deep in ice cream and tears right now, but I am not!

#Motivational
Jim Kwik: Speed Learning: How To Learn Anything In Half The Time
He uses the simple, yet witty acronym: FAST
Forget — Forget what you already know about a subject. Open yourself to learn something new. Start every subject with a beginners mind. Also, forget about what else is going on in the world around you — distraction is not friends with learning. Finally, forget about your limitations; your learning is limitless.
Active — As Jim Kwik often says, “Learning is not a spectator sport.” We don’t learn through consumption, we learn from creation. Get active while learning.
State — By state, he means the current mood of your mind and body. Information, when combined with emotion, creates a long-term memory. You can learn much more by getting excited about what you're learning. Ever notice how you tend to remember the names of people you find attractive much more easily? Hmm…
Teach — Learn something as if you are going to teach it to someone else. When you teach something, you get to learn it twice.


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 259:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8.5 months in this recovery... ... who would have thought? it's like this baby is about to come to full term!

Last night, I did some research and found the whole comedy special of the old guy I posted about last night, which was just a short clip. We decided because we talked a lot in the morning -- to watch the whole comedy special of Brad Upton: Will Be Funny for Money and, because why not, we picked another to follow: Kellen Erskine - Composed before he went to work. Both of the specials were really funny and they weren't vulgar, raunchy or nothing, but just good ole' humor - we were in tears from laughing so hard. It felt so good, even refreshing to just sit and laugh together, in each other's arms (he was so warm and made me feel so comfortable) and we actually want to be there, next to each other, without thinking of other things, we both crave these moments together, it's like we just started dating again.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Eddie Pinero: What If?" where he takes us through some thought-provoking "What if" questions. Where he says it all starts and stops with your mindset, going from "what if I was never meant to be a leader, only a follower" to "what if I was born to be a CEO of a great company" or "what if I was never meant to have a perfect body" to "what if I get up today and start running, getting right and get to the body I want to have". His point? "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change".

During our morning walk, he told me about his night, that he spent any of his free time on recovery work and that made him feel very productive/accomplished by the time his shift was over. He told me about another part in the book he is reading, about learning to speak to your inner addict, sort of self-talk but to talk yourself out of doing bad behaviors or habits. He said he feels weird naming or addressing his "addict" within, that he finds it easier talking to me, I told him that when I have to talk myself into bringing stuff up to him, instead of bottling up sometimes I feel crazy too and worried I've become a total 'nut' lol but it's all apart of this recovery process. We spoke a bit more and once we got home, he told me that at night he show someone an old photo of himself and the guy didn't believe it! then looked through some old photos and said he is really proud of how much weight I lost too. How both of us have really been made a lot of changes. I told him I was really proud of him for not blowing me off that first time I confronted him (as difficult as it was for me) about being complacent when he responded with "how many recovery videos do you think I can watch? they're all the same" and then I said, well it doesn't have to be just videos about PA/recovery and started sending him Tony Robbins stuff and he got hooked on self-care shortly after that - he could have easily pretended and watched a few mins and told me "yeah, I saw it, it was okay". But no, he took it seriously, he hit the ground running and began getting inspired by it, just like I had been and I am not only proud of him for that but I am also so excited that I now get to share this experience, lifestyle change with him too.

Later on, we went to do a Pokemon Go raid, the weather was nasty, but he got dressed in his new tracksuit and omg he looks so freakin' sexy in it, yummmmmmyyyyyy. I love the way he looks in it, the fit and just all of it - sexy, sexy, sexy. Then we decided to swing by UNO's for our family dinner, because we didn't have enough time to go grocery shopping, stopping by there always gives me a slight trigger, only because every time we go, he ends up looking at someone's ass. This time there was one close call, but I think it may have been a quick glance towards the end as we were leaving, but nothing crazy, thank God.

Now, it's getting super late, I am super tired, my bad is killing me and I want to just rest!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
After speaking to the guy who pretty much holds our cruise fate in his hands right now, looks like we might still be able to go, after all, omg... sigh, I handled that meeting like a champ!

#Motivational
Eddie Pinero: Purpose


Eddie Pinero: You Are Not Your Past


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you, I am happy that our journey inspires it is definitely not an easy one, but we live and we learn!

 

DAY 260:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a nice soothing backrub, which was nice because my back was in a lot of pain, I don't even remember the last time he rubbed my back, so it must have felt like trying to untie 100 double-knots lol. As he did that, I couldn't really talk much, since my face was plastered in a pillow, which makes me believe he does it on purpose lol because he seems to go into his apologies at those moments, so I can't really respond back with my "you don't have to always apologize" or "see, do you really want to be with someone you have to apologize to for the rest of your life" speech. I did try to respond here and there but the massages usually render me speechless. I have been so stressed out the last few days and it had taken a huge toll on both my mind and body, so when we went to continue watching Deadpool 2, I was already passing out, I had to tell him we needed to cut it short and head to bed... but not before some extracurricular 'bedtime stories' and activities hehe. When it was time to sleep, I passed out quicker than normal though, which just shows what mental stress does, plus it was warm and cozy in bed too lol.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Steve Harvey: Making Decisions" in which he discusses how we first make our decisions and then our decisions make us.

During our walk, before I even got out the car, a female passed by, whom he claims was 'young looking' but she had the body type he would have done cartwheels in the past just to ogle, well, I got triggered - yippie. We talked about that for a few minutes, then I changed the subject because I needed to simmer down. I began asking him about his first therapy session tonight and helping him write down some basic questions, so he wouldn't forget to ask.

Later on, we went to Stop & Shop to try out our first grocery shopping trip on $100 budget for the week, a test run. We picked Stop & Shop because they have those scanners that you can scan and pack, as you shop, so you see your totals as you go. We separated our cart into the "need to have" stuff and the top part was "would be nice to get" and those we waited to scan till the end if we had enough money. We ended up spending $99.20 so we actually did it, folks, this is the first supermarket trip, we've gone on where we spent under $100 in years lol. We were both excited, proud and felt accomplished, it felt good to work as a team, with each other instead of against each other. Neither of us was standing there trying to convince the other of making bad choices, for instance, "I really want those chips, I know I don't NEED them, but it's only another $3, just this once, next time we won't, promise". It was clean and swift, "do we NEED this?" yes/no, "can we go a week without it?" yes/no and go/go/go. Then in the car, he said something, it kind of reminded me of something I mentioned in my post last night, but I didn't think of it this way, but it did warm my heart that he did. He brought up the fact that us doing these things, like this budgeting venture for instance actually gives him a glimmer of hope for a future "us". He says, that he picked up on the fact that I'm not keeping him out of the loop while working on lifestyle changes that are dedicated to just me, fixing my financial future without taking his/ours as a family into consideration. I say WE, not "I" and want to fix our household budget, not just make sure I take care of my own assets, leaving him to deal with his own stuff, because I'm preparing for life as a single mom. He interprets that the way that I've been approaching these goals, involving him and how I talk about them, sharing them etc., to him it signals that whether my mind (security issues) are in a different stage, other aspects of my mind/trust are letting him back in and are open to the idea of a future together. I never even thought about it that way, it's so interesting when you have someone who can pay attention to these things, when you, yourself can not see them so clearly many times because your mind is so cluttered with so much all the time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Our first shopping under a $100 budget trip was a success, we worked together and managed to stick to it and didn't convince each other that "well, just one more thing, just this once" would be okay!

#Motivational
Steve Harvey - You Have to Jump


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 261:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, he had his first session with his therapist. Leading up to it, I was getting a bit discouraged... with dinner, he had a beer, which I thought 'okay' because it was nothing new on a day off, I really thought he would skip today, but whatever. Then when he was just lounging around, he drank some whiskey, that bothered me a bit, because I knew he had his session tonight... but I didn't say anything, as he was already drinking it. Then it was time for me to go lay down with our older daughter, something I do nightly, we talk a little before she goes to sleep, he said he was going to go out on the balcony to smoke before his session and I said ok. He was still out there by the time I came out when he came back in, he had a beer in his hand....... that really disappointed me, what ran through my head? "wow, I thought he wanted this, was waiting for it, wanted to be clear-headed, all in, mindful and 100% present" it took me right back to the night where he got plastered, when he told me he wanted to talk to me, but was 110% on another planet. He's was not 'plastered' by any means tonight, but drinking nonetheless, I believe that drinking in any amount before something like this, is irresponsible and shows me that it's not something he is taking seriously, sorry. Like, it's not important enough to him to skip a night of drinking, just this once - to make sure he is 110% sound? sigh. #NotHappy -- You know, I don't think he realizes that he may have bigger 'addiction' problems, then just PM (both drinking and smoking). He even told me, when I confronted him that he was giving himself liquid courage before his first therapy session, which is a great justification to tell yourself, but horrible nonetheless. I mean I get drinking socially in moderation and never had a problem with it, I've been around it all of my life or even once in a while with dinner or a date night, but there is always a time and place, but I think he uses those things as safety blankets, these bad habits are no better than PMing, they are just more socially acceptable ones. He tells our daughter she needs to stop biting her nails, because it is a bad habit (and it is) and she responds with "well, you need to stop smoking" (she's 10!) and he fires back with "when you quit biting your nails, I'll quit smoking" this is a father, equating SMOKING to biting nails... to his 10-year-old... I don't think he sees messed up any of this is. I think if he is trying to make all of these positive lifestyle changes, quitting or limiting smoking and drinking (in excess/outside of socially) should be apart of that, but then again that is just my opinion and he's a big boy, I can't tell him what to do.

After his session, he did come out and looked relieved and happy. He sat down next to me and told me that he thought that the talk went really well and so far, he felt like she understood him and seemed like she listened, cared, was interested and asking questions - not just repeating his questions back to him. They scheduled another one on one for next week, hopefully, next time he won't drink beforehand. THAT I am HAPPY about, that he seemed to click with her so far, there were any negative feelings, so hopefully, this will be a positive addition to his recovery effort.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Les Brown: Dealing With Life" - the main point? there are three kinds of people in this world, which one are you? those that make things happen, those that watch things happen, and those that have no idea what just happened. Some of his quotes that I need to take in and plaster onto my forehead I think: “Don’t let someone else’s opinion become your reality.” “Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” Les Brown is a famous motivational speaker, I am just hearing about his because of this podcast, but I did a quick search and found his "6 Keys to Self Motivation" and here they are 1. Self Mastery, 2. Stop Settling, 3. Develop A Health Plan, 4. Live Life with Energy & Passion, 5. Monitor Your Inner Conversations, 6. Know Why You Are Doing It. I think both Wade and I have been applying a lot of these through our self-care journeys.

During our walk, we listened to the YouTube video by Jordan Page and her husband "How to survive summer with kids! Boredom, activities, chores, etc!" which is about summer, but what they discuss there can really be applied year-round and we kept pausing to -talk about the points and share our own ideas/opinion - and how we plan to add some of these methods into our household! Then we had some fun together in Costco and CVS of all places LMAO, this budgeting thing has both of us in gamer mode! QUEST: Earn X amount of credits. QUEST REWARD? Groupon Coupon = Lunch Date without spending extra money!

Something important I read and wanted to highlight from my current book "Habit Stacking": The key to consistency is to treat a habit stack like a single action instead of a series of individual tasks. I know this seems like a small thing, but building a habit requires many elements if you want it to stick, like 1. Scheduling time for the activity (a block of time). 2. Identifying a trigger. 3. Planning what you’ll do to complete the action. So on and so forth. My point here? If you treat each component of a stack as an individual action, then you’d have to create a reminder and track each behavior, which can quickly become overwhelming. However, if you treat the entire routine as just one habit, then it will be easier to remember and complete on a consistent basis. The key to success here is to start with small expectations, build the muscle memory of completing this routine, and then add more tasks once you’re consistent.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Enjoyed spending time with Wade, doing some shop-kicking, we've turned it into a game, where the reward is date money (budget) LOL!

#Motivational
Les Brown - How To Overcome Tough Times


Les Brown - Make Your Life Different


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 262:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we talked about a mix of issues and the conversation just turned from one thing into another, we started with how fun this new budgeting 'mission' has become for us, sort of like a game with quests to earn points and the reward is gift cards for us to have lunches and dates. Then we talked about my trigger from earlier in the day, how it's frustrating for me and feels like it will never stop, which then turned the discussion into my fears of never feeling secure with him - as a woman - not just a close best friend, in my mind all I can think about is - look at "them" and then at "me" - will I ever be; could I ever be, as hot, pretty, sexy as "he saw them?" or even just physically attractive enough for him (specifically, cause at this point I do believe I might be perfect, for someone else, who's looking for someone like me) and one fine day he will just get bored and go back to the old him... then he brought up the idea of possibly revisiting the timeline I set out back in Jan 2018 [that was when I told him - we were over, I was done and wanted out of this marriage, that once our daughter makes it into a good HS in about two years, we would begin formally start the divorce/separation process] on the one year anniversary of this recovery. To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever be entertaining the idea of him having a 1-year clean from porn and masturbation anniversary, ever, but low and behold, it is actually a possibility, imagine that? Anyway, he mentioned a few of his thoughts, something to the extent of having me considering changing my definite 'expiration date' into an open-ended revolving door sort of thing, where I wouldn't tell him we're 100% back 'on' but I wouldn't hold my timeline over his or my own - any longer, but take all of this as a one day at a time sort of thing -- and if he messes up, I still follow through, as planned. But I expressed my fears (mentioned above) ... as I'm sure it is with many other SO's on here, I am scared to death of the return of the old him, of taking such a huge risk and he falls back into his old ways, I would end up regretting wasting so many years again. Time is just something I can never get back and that is a scary but true fact. He had a choice multiple times and each time he rejected me - HE didn't want me... but I stayed anyway, miserable as I was. I just don't want to regret anything, anymore. I'm scared and fearful of all the uncertainties surrounding this decision, it's really overwhelming because I am really feeling all of these changes (falling in love again, getting reattached etc) and if I somehow could see the future and knew they were guaranteed to stay this way, forever [the new 'him'] - I would have already made my decision, in a heartbeat.

This 90's commercial really explains what my brain feels like these days, to the tee! that egg is my brain:


This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Joel Osteen: The Power of Words" - the main point the incredible power our own words wield, they could either build us up or tear us down. One thing he said really hit me - hard because he is 100% right, at least in my case and that's scary. He said "Some of you women have never once said 'I am beautiful' you're so focused on your flaws and what you don't like about yourself, how you wish you had more here and less there", "when you say 'I am beautiful' beauty comes looking for you, youth comes looking for you, freshness comes looking for you, nobody can do this for you, it's gotta come out of your own mouth. Beauty is not in how thin, or how tall you are, how perfect you look - beauty is being who you are, just as you are, with confidence". I don't remember a time, even when I didn't have all these issues with trauma where I said to myself "Gee, I am beautiful", I was always embarrassed about things like that oddly enough, hmm. Then I found a sticky on my laptop (he knew I would use it after I got the kids ready for school) with a sweet message, it was very cute. I guess our little one made so much noise that it woke him up, so he ended up texting me that he left me a water with lemon in the fridge for my morning routine, that was very thoughtful, I appreciated it very much. He left me some text to go over for his therapist, he likes getting my feedback and help in wording things right so I did that for him.

As he slept, I walked alone after dropping off the kids at school. Man, there was just so much fluttering through my head. Listened to BAE "Date Night podcast" how dates do not need to be expensive or fancy, they could be just reliving childhood fun, star gazing, skating, movies, or even what Wade and I have been doing making budgeting fun. We've turned so many of our "oh God we have to do this shit again, with HIM or HER" into "OMG I can not wait to go to Costco with him" or "I want to go to the mall and walk around aimlessly together! then after that, I decided to turn on my mindless dance/walk playlist to put some pep in my step. The song "Low" by Flo Rida came on and it took me back to a memory Wade often revisits and loves to tells everyone, from our first cruise together. It kind of made Joel Osteen's message from this morning really smack me in the head, no, punch me in the face lol because, I remember that moment in time vividly along with my thought process... so there I was, on the dance floor on this cruise, the song "Low" by Flo Rida comes on and I begin to dance... NYC style let's just say it wasn't your retirement home kind of dancing, but it's just how I dance, so yeah. Wade noticed first, as he was approaching me on the dancefloor, I noticed a bit later that as I was making certain moves the bartender was so zoned in on me, ogling of course, that his mouth was open and he was spilling drinks. Vivid memory, I know, so why did Mr. Osteen pop into my head? because I remember feeling bad and embarrassed for distracting the bartender. What should have I been thinking? I don't know maybe something along the lines of "damn, I'm so hot and sexy this guy can't even concentrate on work" or any kind of confidence boost to myself, but no -- in my head, it was "I am making him mess up" = negative connotation towards myself, nothing new but pathetic nonetheless. I tried to "change my words" as he said to do, I did tell myself "I am beautiful" in the mirror today and it just felt silly, I didn't believe it and nothing more happened, I don't know how to fix my mindset.

We were on our way to our budgeting 'date' at Best Buy LOL. During the car ride, he told me about a trigger he had last night when he was up late while watching a show, I helped him break it down and rationalize it. I suggested that he start writing down all triggers, even if they don't lead to urges, so he remembers them on the spot. Something along the lines of Trigger: Was watching: Show name / What Triggered me? A sex scene with XYZ / What was the trigger for? to want to look at more similar content or PM or nothing it just reminded me of a turn on etc. I am glad he brought it up to me and we were able to dissect it and figure things out, he also sent a message to his counselor about it, to see what she thinks as well. Then we spent over 1:30 minutes at Best Buy and hauled in over 850 points! I earned enough for an Amazon reward and didn't have to actually spend a penny there - things we do to save some money, so we can go on dates lol!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved the way my VS zip up looked on me today!

#Motivational
For me I just substitute "God" and religion with "Truth" and "Reality", others who are not religious can do the same:
Joel Osteen - Start the Day with Positive Affirmations


Joel Osteen: How Our Words Determine Our Future


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------