Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Thank you <3

We just spoke, breathing, eh, yes, much easier said then done lol

Talking it out did help. I did get all of my points across, didn't hold anything back, I think he understood. I believe he was being honest and didn't view any inappropriate content, but the matter was downloading it and not being considerate enough to at least mention it to me. Chances are since I know he legitimately enjoys anime comics, if I vetted the app first and saw it was 'safe', I wouldn't have even cared if he had it on his phone.

But, instead, it was a surprise that was left for me to discover and get triggered by, for hours.

 

DAY 236:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------








Just so, very, exhausted.









What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Organized classes by order of interest, getting closer to starting!

#Self-Care
Jim Kwik - Take control of your daily routine:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 237:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More sorry's and I'll do better's, thing is, I know deep down he is trying and he does mean it, he isn't purposely doing things to try and sabotage his hard work, but inadvertently his behaviors/actions cause these setbacks and unfortunately when it rains, it pours. I know mistakes do happen and everything is so - 'touch and go' because this is recovery after all, but, there is only so much I can keep letting go and letting repeat, over and over again, we're past the point of where I felt too hopeless, so I had to just suck it up. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one pushing through my second nature all the time, I'm overwhelmed, and quick frankly I'm just exhausted. I want to be positive, hopeful and yes the changes I've seen have been encouraging, but it is not consistent at all. It's like, one minute he shows me something to look forward to and be excited about, then next he throws me right back into the bottomless pit. I told him point blank last night, that every time he has been vulnerable with me, shared something deep, meaningful, heartfelt or serious - he always had my undivided attention, he knows that without a shadow of a doubt, I am someone he can trust and count on to be there for him. For me though, so far, practically every time I've mustered up the courage to bring something up to him, fought my own demons, just to say it out loud and then to him on top of that, he has managed to find a way to make me regret it by brushing me off, interrupting me mid-sentence, throwing a badly timed joke or something else uncalled for. Whether he means to or not, or does it as a defense mechanism or whatever, makes no difference, because to me that just translates to: he cannot hold my space, he can not be there for me, I can not trust him with my vulnerability, I cannot count on him to be empathetic towards my feelings and I can not believe he is actively listening to what I am saying to him, as I am trying to express it to him - basically, he doesn't care. That makes me sad, just as much as it frustrates me because again, I give, he takes, just as it has been for years and I was done with living like that back in Jan and I made that clear to him. We've reached an impasse again because I don't feel like opening up if I feel like I am not being heard, because why would I want to? ...

So, what's the solution? We watch most of the same stuff when we talk about it, he seems excited and engaged, when it comes to applying it to real-world situations, he seems to forget it all and that makes no sense to me. I've been listening to a lot of Jim Kwik, although his stuff has nothing to do with addiction/recovery per say - it has a lot to do with the brain, memory, behavior, habits, and behaviors. So, I told Wade, maybe he's been going about this all wrong, perhaps he can't apply anything he is learning from the others videos (recovery) -- because he hasn't learned how to take in, adapt and change his change his behaviors, when it comes to his BRAIN where it counts~! like active listening, engaging, remembering things etc, which is why he keeps falling back into his worst habit/pattern: reacting/talking > than thinking, instead of THINK then speak. Then we discussed this, I recommended he listen to Jim Kwik's podcasts, look up information on active listening etc. Hopefully, if he figures that out, the rest will fall into place as well or at least, a little easier? at least I hope so.

He had to work today, so I had a family dinner with the girls myself. It felt weird without him there. We still had a good time, chatted it up and all. Then the little one went to play and I had another little heart to heart with the older one and put in another new rule for her, I'll talk to Wade about it later. I think he will be fine with it though.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Hit over 10,000 steps today, survived the noise too.

#Self-Care
Shawn Stevenson: "Sleep Smarter" | Talks at Google
Some "wow" info for coffee drinkers, watch minute 24:00-26:45


Become a Better Listener: Active Listening
https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 238:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we didn't talk too much because he got home late, but we did talk briefly about the podcasts he listened to when he had a chance (Jim Kwik) and the clip I sent him during the day from Shawn Stevenson about how coffee interrupts your sleep and he is addicted to it. We meditated, I was cold and he was warming me up and well, I think he got a bit... too warmed up............. sorry? we did not break the fast though.

This morning he had to take my mom on an errand, so I walked alone. I may have overexerted myself this time, as I already had a bit of an injury from earlier, pushed on and made it worse (both my feet) and now my lower back, and hips too... sigh, beauty is pain, right? eh, isn't that what they say? heh anyway. I started by listening to two Jim Kwik podcasts, "Remember Everyone's Name" and "How To Read Faster". One of my biggest takeaways so far from his message on how to remember things long term? information + emotion = long-term memory, so if you want to really remember something you must be emotionally invested or motivated. That's why we S.O's remember our D-Day's so vividly, it was an emotionally charged traumatic event. Then I decided to take a bit of a brain break, because I felt the pain was becoming distracting and I was losing focus, I didn't want to start missing out on information, I switched to music. I started singing along to songs in my head and sometimes when I listen to certain songs, I begin to daydream. I start to wonder/fantasize if I was meant for a different life. Like, should things have turned out differently for me? What if I would have made different choices 'back in the day', what if I would have stayed and gone to school in a different state, who would I be right now? where would I be right now? or what if I would have taken a chance went with that designer overseas, where in the world would I be right now? who knows? but the music takes me there, well sometimes, other times it takes me to the past, to the dance floor - it's random really. Once I snapped back into reality, I thought about some irony, we had a conversation a few nights ago, where he agreed with me that maybe if he concentrated on self-care, correcting his bad behaviors (not actively listening/memory etc.) it would also help him with his recovery stuff, by making it easier for him - when reacting to me: when listening to me or responding to my triggers. If no one ever taught him, or he has never learned the skills on how to properly listen to HEAR or empathize and not listen to defend/respond, he will just continue to repeat this disastrous and triggering behavior, because he just doesn't know how else to do it. Why is it ironic? because I was trying to explain to him before (this post) that I really think, it is because of the self-care I've been doing, that I have been able to push myself to open up, when normally I would have found every reason not to - the whole time I was telling him that I really feel this is why, he said: NO, he doesn't think so... and now, he thinks this may very well help him... of course I think it can, I just find it a bit ironic nonetheless.

In the afternoon we had a nice lunch together, it was quiet, just us two, we have not had that in a while - even though I was in physical pain, it was still nice being out and thank goodness there weren't any major triggers, so it was peaceful, pleasant and we had a nice conversation. We had such a turbulent week, it was like a breath of fresh air.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed through a lot of pain, got pass my 10k step goal.

#Self-Care
Shawn Stevenson: "Sleep Smarter" | Talks at Google
Dopamine and the Internet/Social Media/Devices, how to get off of it! 34:00-37:00


Jay Shetty: Real Education Would Look Like This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=303124076946048

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 239:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we had a simple discussion, while he gave me a really nice massage (because my body was in so much pain) and we were in agreement about one thing, it was the first day in over a week where both of us finally felt some calm, as a couple in a while. It's been a really rough week emotionally, with a lot of lows and he has had quite a number of setbacks, back to back. So, having a day of sweet simple 'nothing's' was a much needed mental break. We talked a bit about the self-care videos that I've been watching for months, especially Jim Kwik, whom I been watching too amongst many various videos I've explored, but not really paying attention exclusively to his videos/podcasts until recently. The lesson he tries to teach us? that the reason we can never learn/remember anything is because no one ever taught us how to learn! basically, we can only begin learning if we understand and have the know-how on HOW to learn first, which is something, we never really bother doing or exploring. I explained to him a few nights ago and last night, that it's great to listen to BAE for their explanations about recovery, addictions, what things mean, how you know you are an addict, betrayed, symptoms, terminology, what denial, shame, codependency are and all the approaches to take (or not to take!) on various recovery situations (and we have and continue to learn so much and gain a lot of knowledge, memorize it frankly) but they never teach you how to be an active listener, empathetic, or gain the ____ skill required to get from point A to point B, and without the "how", you can learn what empathy is by it's proper definition and think the idea of being empathic sounds great, but you'll fall short, when you try to apply it in a real world situation, if it is a skill you never learned/developed in the first place. All I can say is, I am HAPPY that a week later, he finally sees what I was trying to explain to him and was getting blown off about. Then I played him the clip I posted and referred to in yesterday's post, "Sleep Smarter" by Shawn Stevenson, in it there is a part where he talks about dopamine and the internet/social media (the constant need to seek out new things) which leads to addiction (find it at minute 34:00 thru 37:00) in our case, we can easily replace the word "Instagram" with "porn". He explains that in order to get rid of this addiction to dopamine, you need to replace that "high" with something of equal or greater value. So Wade brought up, how last September (my 2nd biggest D-Day) and when he told me he would "stop PMing" after he was caught/confronted, and he did for about a month (he claims), but curiosity killed that cat when he downloaded this manga app to read comics (to replace P) and incidentally ended up finding some categories within that app with 'P' and that's how he was acting out for a while, assuming he was getting away with it, because it seemed discreet on his end because "he was reading comics" and assumed I was none-the-wiser, then that wasn't enough, he needed more, he needed new, so he went back to P in other forms and shit hit the fan and here we are. Anyway, a few days ago when he downloaded a manga comics app and didn't tell me about it, left his phone with me because I was doing something on it, that app got updated and popped up, I was trigged back to Sept and it was BAD. He uninstalled it and that was that I know he loves his manga and anime, but I also know he was really into that kind of P also, so those apps could open the door for triggers/relapse at any time. As we were talking about all that, he said: "I know it still too soon, but I really would like it if at some point maybe you could find an app that you consider safe, for me to read manga comics?". I told him, sure I would look into it. After we went and watched an episode of Fear the Walking Dead, then called it a night.

Today I couldn't go out for my walk, I busted up my feet pretty good lol plus it was pouring all day. So, after Wade dropped off both of the girls at school, we went to the mall and spent the day shopping around and just doing nothing really, in a good way. We got the girls some clothes, birthday gifts to take on the cruise (to give to them there) and Wade got himself gifts too, as usual. The mall was empty, no major threats, I felt at ease and we had a nice talk during our lunch. I asked him if he felt any real changes from the 'the fast', he said he wasn't sure but he has been checking me out a lot more and for longer periods of time (as he stares), but not in a lustful way, but more in an appreciative/loving way? (I think that is what he means). Then we both agreed that cuddling has been more pleasant, sensual and just cozy, it feels warm inside (and out for me lol) and we want to stay close to each other, longer. I also told him, that I really appreciated him having the balls to ask me if I didn't mind considering looking into finding a safe manga app for him to read his comics on, I said I appreciated this for a few reasons: honesty, because I know it was eating him up inside, the shame/fear it took to bring it up after my last trigger etc. I said to him, I PREFER him to ask me things upfront, instead of sitting on them, because one way or another it will come up, I'll either discover them myself which is HORRIBLE for me, him and US... or whatever he is 'holding onto' will be gnawing at him for days, causing a bad build up/him to be on edge, slip up about something else and react 10x worse because he's already sitting in so much fear and shame, which in turn with trigger me 10x, and there we go on the merry-go-round again. Had he come to me, in the first place, about looking into an app for him, instead of downloading one himself and not mentioning it to me, I would have helped find him an app and been totally fine with it, and we would have avoided this whole nightmare scenario trigger I had altogether. If he comes to me first he'll have a solid answer, no what if's: I'll either say yes, I'm fine with whatever it is, maybe so long as we have boundaries in places, or no I don't feel comfortable with that because it could trigger me - and then he can do whatever he wants with that information. He knows, especially by now, I'm not one to play games or purposely say/do things to sabotage him/his recovery.

Today was a good day for our connection, it's not where it was at its peak, but definitely not as stale as it was a few days ago, progress was made.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had another trigger free, drama free day.

#Self-Care
Unbelievable Memory Tricks and Hacks with Jim Kwik and Lewis Howes (shortened edit)


Being Wrong Is Awesome - Here's Why

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=413432965856793

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 240:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we had some small talk about his family and some really dumb decisions his brother has made, not much in the way of recovery and that's okay, we spoke a bit about it during lunch and cover a lot. Then we did our meditation and went to sleep in each other's arms, which has felt a lot more comforting these days.

Today he had to work, I walked alone, after yesterday's downpour the trail was so nasty and full of mud, but I trekked through it anyway. I listened to some music, decompressed a little, and then listened to an interesting podcast series called "Something You Should Know", they offer various information/"fun facts" on information most people have heard of in passing, but don't really know the real details about and I really enjoyed it. There was a guest on there, his name is John Johnson (LOLz I know) he wrote the book "Everydata", one of the points he made, that I'm super guilty of, is falling victim to throwing out everything that hits the "sell by" or "best by" dates, he said to look up the meanings and I did, now I know, I've been wasting so much product and money. For those curious the "Use-By:" label is aimed at consumers as a directive of the date by which the product should be eaten; mostly because of quality, not because the item will necessarily make you sick if eaten after the use-by date. However after the use-by date, product quality is likely to go down much faster and safety could be lessened. "Sell-By:" This label is aimed at retailers, and it informs them of the date by which the product should be sold or removed from shelf life. This does not mean that the product is unsafe to consume after the date. Typically one-third of a product's shelf-life remains after the sell-by date for the consumer to use at home. "Best-By:" This is a suggestion to the consumer on which date the product should be consumed to assure for ideal quality. Brackett also points out that smell and taste are not good indicators of whether or not a food is safe to eat. "Expiration Date" means, well, it's expired. Normally I would have continued listening to Jim Kwik's podcasts, but Wade wants to listen to that one together and that's fine with me, I just don't know when we will find the time to do that, given we don't have time to do anything at all these days, I think we'll have to revisit this idea, because I kind of whatever to get through his lessons, in order to move forward in my skill classes.

Once I got home from my walk, he messaged me if I could unlock the "settings" on the kindle/tablet because he wanted to set it up to play sound on the car speakers. At first, I did find that rather strange, because I know he always listens to his stuff on his headphones, I said okay but asked why. He said his co-worker was with him and they were in the car while they were waiting for something and wanted to watch a movie. So, I did it remotely, but I said I hope he isn't planning on using the time his tablet is "unlocked" to watch anything 'inappropriate' because his coworker is a bad influence' and he said no, that they just wanted to watch a funny movie, I said okay, fine and we hung up. About an hour later he calls me back, he said the co-worker stepped out because he wanted to grab a coffee. He said he needed to talk to me because ever since we hung up, he's had this overwhelming feeling of shame taking hold of him, it's been making him feel like someone his standing on his chest and squeezing it hard, so he needed to talk to someone or it would drive him insane. I asked him, why, what's going on? (I thought maybe he saw something triggering the movie) and he said that he thought, that when I said to him " I hope you aren't planning on doing anything inappropriate because I've unblocked your tab" that from that point on I was either pissed, triggered or thinking that he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing and that was eating him up inside the whole time, since we hung up. I told him I was proud of him for sharing/bringing this up to me and I told him that I was just worried that his co-worker might be a bad influence because he is one, but I took him at his word when he said he was only going to watch a comedy. He said that after we talked, he felt a whopping sense of relief and felt a whole lot better about it all.

When he got home, we had a quick sit down lunch, before he went to bed. We discussed this again and I again told him that I honestly do appreciate the honesty. Him coming to me with his shame, not only helps him with his vulnerability and staying honest - but it also helps him fight off the build-up of his shame, which is quite a powerful force. If he allows it to just sit there and linger, it would eventually come back up, somehow either by acting out or reacting in a triggering way towards me or even snapping at our girls... so this is progress in my book.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Powered through mud and dirt, just to get my walk in!

#Self-Care
Jim Kwik: 10 Things that Will Change Your Life Immediately

1. Good Brain Diet
2. Automatic Negative Thoughts
3. Exercise
4. Brain Nutrition
5. Positive Peer Group
6. Clean Environment
7. Sleep
8. Brain Protection (EMFS/Not on Airplane mode)
9. New Learnings
10. Stress Management

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 241:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we didn't talk, he worked a lot, then had to sleep all day, so by the time he woke up, it was already practically time for him to head back out to work again. It's all right because as I mentioned in my last post, we did talk a bit during the day about his feelings of shame. After he went to work, I spent the next hour researching and reading up on shame and shame resilience. I know how overpowering shame is because I have a ton of it myself, but my triggers are different than his, and I also know that I have my own work to do on it, but I need to understand it better so I could empathize with him better and know how to handle it better overall. Educating myself always helps!~

Today he had to work late again, so I walked alone, the walk wasn't so fun, another mud race, sigh. The whole trail was still nasty and the parks crew was all over the place trying to clear it out but they were just spreading that crap around turning the whole area into a freakin' slip and slide. Anyhow, so I went in another direction, I didn't go off the trail too much on my own if Wade was with me, we could have gone further out together. I still got almost 9k steps in, so good enough. I listened to a little bit of music, finished one "Something You Should Know" podcast and then to "What to do When the Betrayed Relapses" of the BAE podcast because Wade told me he listened to it and I wanted to make sure I did as well, in case he wanted to discuss it. There were A LOT of great points there for both the betrayed and the addicted (on how-to react to us!)

This evening we had an open house at school for our eldest daughter, I had a bit of a trigger there. One of the PTA mom's who Wade had ogled, A LOT and quite obviously, with me standing next to him (in the past) - showed up and walked in front of us, then stood in plain sight for some time, sigh. I felt my heart starting to race and my mind began to wander into the "I bet I know what he is thinking right now" mode, and for the next few minutes, I felt like I had blacked out because I don't recall what she or the other PTA mom was saying. Then somehow, I snapped out of it, I think it's because the principal came into view and that distracted me, thankfully because we still had to go meet the teachers! Ugh, I hate when this shit happens, the whole experience is frustrating, painful, exhausting and just unsettling... especially now that we've been a lot more disconnected then we've been in months, it makes me question my relationship security, like where I stand with him, how he feels about me physically, if I'm really attractive enough for him (his 'type'), will I ever be? etc. During this sex fast, my certainty/security has been feeling pretty low and when that competition mode hits (triggers) it drops even further and it makes me want to just say "fuck it" and think moving on would just be easier for us both. Maybe being with someone else, where this history does not exist, where I don't have reasons to be triggered... where I can go to a school function and not feel I am in competition for my husband's attention, with all the other moms there, would just be easier - just like on the flipside, he wouldn't have to worry about a wife with endless triggers.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Saw a trigger today, controlled myself as best as I could, it was not easy.

#Shame
Brené Brown: 3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral
1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love
2. Reach out to someone you trust
3. Tell your story/shame cannot survive empathy


#Relationships
18 Months of Marriage Can Completely Change Your Personality (Some things are true, some "were" true, until you've had a DDay... or a few)

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1432712380194349

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 242:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we listened to "Learn ANYTHING Faster" a podcast by Jim Kwik. We've both already listened to it before but we decided to stop listening to his podcasts on our own, instead listen to it together, from the beginning, so we could take notes and then discuss it right after - and we did just that and it was nice, the only issue is I hope it doesn't take super long to get through because I needed this to get to my courses. Then we discussed my triggered from earlier that evening at the school function. He told me he was trying to comfort me there by holding my arm and touching my hand, I felt him doing that, but I told him that once I heard the 'threat' (my triggers) name being called (when I thought she wasn't there that night), I was set off and nothing else mattered at that point. He held my space pretty well during our talk, he didn't interrupt or find excuses/justifications much, although he did repeat "I was there with you the whole time" a lot, I don't know if he wanted to remind me of that, or himself?... then we mediated and went to sleep, I actually passed out in his arms, which is rare.

This morning he got stuck at work again, and even though it was raining, I walked anyway. I listened to some music, got my few minutes of me time in. Then I listened to the "Something You Should Know" podcast where they talked about the unintended consequences of helicopter parents and some of the things discussed, made a lot of sense and I really think we are setting up our kids for a world of hurt and disappointment when they eventually have to fend for themselves in adulthood. After, I listened to a "Q & A podcast" from BAE, which was also very informative. When Coby (the addicted) discussed how he makes sure that he sticks to his dailies, somehow every day no matter what, even when it is difficult, inconvenient or frankly nearly impossible -- he still goes out of his way to do it, not to check off a box for his wife's sake but because he needs to do it for his own self-care and in order to maintain his relapse prevention. Then Brandon (the expert) stepped in and said "yes, and by doing so, you are helping Ashlynn build that safety and trust because she knows she is not a factor on whether or not you are working on your dailies/recovery work, she knows that even if she is away, you'll be doing your part and remaining consistent." I found myself nodding and 'yupping' to that part because I've actually been doing this too - consistency is a must for me these days. Unfortunately, I can not control nor do I want to control my husband's recovery, his actions or inactions, consistency, whether or not he is getting complacent etc. But if there's is one thing I can control, it is myself and what I am doing. No matter what the obstacle: the weather, daily nonsense, noise, the hustle and bustle of life that gets in the way of everything, I make sure that I find a way to get my morning routine in, which includes my walk, also I make sure to watch/listen to or read up on something related to self-care/recovery/healing or his addiction issues, to stay educated and active about it. Then my nightly routine has been journaling here, the nighty talk with my husband, and now meditation. Soon, I am going to be making myself an actually dailies schedule, to keep things in order, because like Jim Kwik says, you have to be active in it to make sure you do it, so if I have to check it off, I will feel even more accomplished for the day, when I've done it. I was setting something like this up for Wade, when he was complaining about not getting enough done before, I mentioned it to him, but he never asked me about it again, so I don't he cares about something like this in the way that I do.

This evening while the girls were playing, I began reading a book called "Habit Stacking" by S.J. Scott and this paragraph really resonated with me, especially after what I just mentioned about recovery/self-care work and the daily routines above: "Unfortunately, this story of the overnight success rarely happens in real life. If you took the time to talk to any successful person, she would tell you that success is always a process. It’s a daily slog where most of your time is spent doing the same thing over and over. Rinse and repeat. Day in and day out. A few wins along the way, and then a few setbacks. Eventually, by working hard, and often for many, many years, you’ll become successful. That’s the reality of success. It’s not luck or an event—just a lot of hard work and daily action. Or, to borrow a famous quote that’s commonly attributed to Thomas Jefferson: “I’m a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the more luck I have.” The people who succeed in the game of life understand the important power of small actions. They flourish by doing two critical things well: Identifying the most important activities (or habits) related to their goals. Repeating these activities every day. Simply put, when you know the important tasks related to your goal and do them continuously, you’ll surpass the folks who spend their time making excuses about why they’re not successful."

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Did not skip my walk today, even though I came close to it.

#Addiction
Understanding Triggers, Shame, and Rituals in Addictive Cycles


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 243:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28/29/30

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we did not talk, he worked late after he came home and we had a quick family dinner and he went straight to bed, woke up and we only had about 20 minutes together before he had to run back out to work. He told me that he spent the whole day at work with that one co-worker he confined in before, about his PA (because this guy was a PA years ago and overcame it). They spent quite a bit of the time talking about self-care and apparently, that co-worker watched a lot of the same videos I had because Wade had already heard most of the info from me lol, that was funny. Then he told me about a new challenge he wanted to start with me after we complete the photography challenge, it sounds really interesting and I am excited to start that one.

This morning, he was stuck at work (yep, again). I went for my walk, did my most of dailies. I listened to a few podcasts and I have to say, I learned quite a bit today! while listening to the "Something You Show Know" podcast turns out much of the food you eat isn't what you think it is - or has been altered in some way without you being none-the-wiser! I don't eat seafood, but for those who do, apparently, the expensive fishes are swapped out for cheaper ones all the time to cut costs and charge you more. Red snapper is almost always tilefish or tilapia. Grouper is almost never grouper. And sushi is basically a big fat lie. A study conducted by nonprofit group Oceana revealed that 94 percent of the time you’re served something else entirely. The top 9 foods that get altered? Coffee (ground), Olive Oil, Fish and Seafood, Parmesan, Truffle oil, Grass-fed beef, Honey, Champagne, and Kobe beef. Then they discussed a little fun fact, why women are better at online dating/why they are more successful at getting matches. The reason why is because when men do it, they send mass messages to multiple women at a time, hoping one or a few will respond, often times they even send messages to those who they know are out of their league, figuring "it's the internet, so why not?". Women, on the other hand, they are more meticulous, they send one message to a select few men, those who they actually find interesting, and most often then not, they wouldn't shoot a message over to a man they deem "out of my league", so they actually hear back from people more often. Then I listened to a short segment from Ashlynn of BAE "Is there Hope in Healing" which was nice, but healing is possible, everyone's timeline is different, also, you may heal yourself, but you may not want to stay in the relationship anyway. Then the biggie: "The Practice of Daily Gratitude", this is a tough one, even for me. I get the concept of being thankful for every experience and to always be positive, finding the silver lining etc, it's not easy - like "Yes, I'm grateful for being betrayed for 12 years!" but I guess I can say I am thankful that because of all this suffering, I have finally been 'woke' and got the kick I needed to start my journey of self-care. Who I am becoming now, is something I can be thankful for.

Something has felt very off today, for me. I think it was a break in his recent behavior/pattern that I have gotten used to. He has been sending me random messages/photos throughout the days (the last few weeks), which is something he never did prior to recovery, so today really felt like I was back in 2017. However, today, if I didn't shoot him a message first, I wouldn't hear from him unless it was to inform me of a schedule update. No random "I miss you", "I love you", "wish I was home", "how are you" texts, nothing on FB... and I know he is busy, but not too busy to watch tv shows, so? I guess I got spoiled with how it has been the last few weeks, that now that I can sense/feel the difference, big time and I don't like it one bit. I'm sitting here while the girls are driving me crazy all day, my parents are coming in and out making my headache worse, while he gets to chill, eat without anyone jumping on his back and watch tv shows, and I'm not even crossing his mind, obviously. Makes me think if all these weeks were him just checking boxes of "okay, gotta text her so she thinks I'm thinking about her right now" or what? because when he is being mindless, he sure as hell remembers to watch his tv shows/movies, but forgets me, 'too busy' for his recovery work and things that should be more of a priority, always take a back seat. When I feel these types of feelings, it also makes my brain go places that I don't like it to go and being so disconnected right now doesn't help either. I'm trying not to get upset as I type this, but I can't help it. I also began to wonder, if he misses, those group texts his co-workers would send around with plenty of P, like, if he is bitter that he is not apart of "the boys club" so to speak, all because of me and my 'issues' about all of it OR maybe he does still get them and is quick about deleting them? I don't know, just random thoughts that I get when I feel like his mind is busy with any, but what it should be...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked on my Dailies Template, almost done, it will make my life/habit stacking a little easier!

#Addiction
How to Overcome GUILT & SHAME


#Motivation
The Secret to Self-Motivation


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 244:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Sex Fast Day: 01/02/03/04/05/06/07/08/09/10/11/12/13/14/15
  16/17/18

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we discussed my last journal post, for once he didn't come at me with a bunch of excuses, he just agreed that he dropped the ball yesterday. Then he told me about a message/response he received (to a question he asked) from professional in regards to our sex fast and why we might be disconnecting instead of connecting further. He was told that it was because of his schedule, we don't have the time to really start dating again (spending time) and he recommends we stop the fast until we find time to do so, like when he is on vacation. Both of us agree, I told him that I still think if it is helping his ogling/lusting issue, it may be worth continuing but he claims he isn't noticing much of a difference there either. So, as of today, day 18 of the sex fast, we are stopping until further notice. Hopefully, by doing so, we could bring back the connection we've been slowly losing these last two weeks.

This morning, my dad came over to watch the little one so we could go walk. We went on our walk, Wade told me that he had an urge to M, but the little one was running around and my dad was over, so the sensation didn't last long but normally, even if he didn't have the opportunity to M, he would have had his phone in the bathroom with him and would have been mindlessly browsing through P, to find material for later. Then he asked me about the video he saw me watching earlier when he peeked over and saw Will Smith on my screen, it was "The 5 LESSON'S In Life People Learn TOO LATE" which is about, well, exactly as it sounds: 5 different people sharing 5 lessons they learned too late in life, by telling their stories the hope is, you can avoid repeating their mistakes. It was a really good video, I recommend everyone spend the 14 minutes and watch the whole thing. Then we talked a little about his addiction over the years, how much I just sat there and kept it all inside because I thought this is how shitty marriage was suppose to be, because look at everyone else, they all look just as miserable. Then he asked me, who do I think has it better (relationship wise) - couples where they fight out loud, as things occur and they don't hold anything back or those like me, who just hold it in, suck it up and bottle it up and pretend everything is normal. I told him both relationships are set up to fail at some point. Venting out your frustrations is great, for the out who is letting the air out, I bet if I was able to just let it rip instead of festering, I wouldn't have held onto so many emotional wounds. Having said that, it takes two to tango, so chances are if I'm yelling and venting, he's going to be doing the same right back and both of us would be lasing out and saying nasty things to each other and words are like knives, once said, you can't take it back either. So ultimately, both ways suck compared to what we have now, an open line of communication where even if we do get pissed off, we can still talk it through and find a solution, that's how a relationship can thrive, when both parties feel like they are being heard, understood and empathized with and without right-fighting or a shouting match. After we moved onto the topics of some of the "something you should know podcasts" I've been watching, but I already discussed those on here, I just told him about some of the content I liked in person.

We went to a Medieval/Renaissance festival this afternoon, it was my little ones first time there, this used to be an annual tradition for me as a kid, so it was nice to share it with my family as a whole, too. Overall I think everyone had a pretty good time. There was a lot of people there, obviously, it was a once a year festival. There were a few 'threats' there, but nothing bad enough where I needed to pop in my headphones to ground myself. I did notice a lot of oglers though, staring right at my 'twins' *cough*, and oglers of all ages mind you; didn't care that I had kids right beside me or nothing, sigh - some things never change.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved the way my renaissance top looked on me!

#Motivation
The 5 LESSON'S In Life People Learn TOO LATE


#Self-Care
Do You Often Wake Up Between 3 AM and 5 AM? Here Is What It Means


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 245:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we spoke about a multitude of things, including our time at the medieval festival. I think I helped him come to a bit of awareness in respect to his notice vs slips when it comes to his idea of 'noticing' someone he is attracted to when he claims it's not a slip, meanwhile his eyes did meet 'whoever' ass, if even for a split seconds until he caught himself and looked away. He tried to go around it a bit, but I said look, there are other body parts your eyes could focus on if someone is in your view - their back, shoulders, head, hair etc, if your eyes meet the ass, that's a slip in my book, period. Thing is I don't even know if he is aware when he does it at this point, that's the crazy part. Anyway, we also discussed a potential shift change he wants to apply for and weighed the pros/cons. Afterward, we did it, we broke our 18 day long fast it was amazing lol and I will leave it at that, I don't want to trigger anyone.

This morning we had a very good, long walk and talk. We discussed his ogling/noticing/slipping and how I interpret it, when I notice him - in my head, as I see it happening, especially after listening to him tell me one thing, meanwhile he does another in real-time. As Dr. Phil says: "perception is reality" and that fact stands - true and clear with me. How I feel about my relationship security/safety, has not changed much in certain respects (how much I feel he is attracted to me, well, if I'm even his type) since recovery began and that is probably because I still catch him 'slipping' as he tells me he has got it under control, often times when it's quick I let it just slide, even though I shouldn't... or when he spends a lot of time telling me things like, he has only "noticed, but never slipped" because it's much easier now and 'you're the only one I need, I realize this now that I'm finally seeing clearly', only to unravel after we discuss an breakdown a situation, like what happened yesterday at the festival. It's just frustrating, I know he is trying, he is doing it far less than he ever had in the past. I said to him, maybe your eyes are just drawn to those women/parts because you just enjoy looking at them, and can not help yourself - that's what you want/find attractive and perhaps you are lying to yourself... He told me that he may glance here and there, but doesn't even realize it because he no longer has afterthought to keep looking or lust after etc, that most of the time these days he isn't even aware he looked at all at times. Then asked me "well, maybe it is what Brandon says, that everyone is human and can be physically sexually attracted to other people etc., doesn't it really matter if I glance once in a while, if I am mindful enough to quickly look away and not think anything further about her" and I said, well maybe under normal circumstances, sure, I probably wouldn't have even paid much attention to it... but unfortunately, with our history and excessive ogling, in front of me for over a decade tearing down every fiber of my self-esteem, distorting my perception of my self worth, body image, how I imagined his disgusted when looking at me, compared to them, all of these thoughts... plus knowing how he would look at them, then go look up similar looking women to masturbate to, when he had me at home, he chose them... I can't be okay with a glance, not even once in a while, this isn't a normal situation. He keeps insisting that because of our communication (which is at levels it has never been at) and our connection, that we can get through anything together, and maybe we can, but I don't think I personally have the time/patience to sit around and wait for him to maybe come around on this issue, because ... well, I just do not believe that I will ever be on par with 'them' and I really think, well truly believe in my heart and mind, that he wants to be with one of those types of women, I just do, his actions still continue to prove it and have for many years. I want to be someone's prime, maybe I won't have this level of communication with anyone else but I don't think I can be that for Wade, it's impossible because you can not force a "type" onto someone because of circumstance, you just can not. That's why I'm afraid the risk is too deep, the fear is too great for me, the ground is always shaking - that's because he is too attracted to them, he will always be drawn to them, over me, as it has always been and it's only a matter of time before he gets bored and wants to go back to it in some way.

We went to a Pokemon Go raid, we all caught the boss we wanted to which was great. Although towards the end there was a mom with a stroller passing by, I immediately got triggered, I knew she was his type and saw her coming from a mile away. She was in yoga pants and a tight top, definitely a threat and someone he would have been trying to ogle "while looking at and playing the game on his phone" assuming he was being discreet but I'd notice anyway. She passed, the raid was over, he began crossing the street, I needed a minute to collect my thoughts, I guess luckily for me, he tends to be careless/mindless more than mindful most of the time, so he just left me there by myself and went to talk to the other players across the road. A minute or two later I crossed, joined them, said a quick "hello" and got into our car. I used the game to keep me grounded and distracted, it was good enough. Then we had to stop by CVS, at the register he got there first, I saw a lady with a big arse upfront, I saw him look that way and quickly turn another way - like he had whiplash, I asked him about it, he said he saw her and wasn't sure what I was talking about because he didn't think he did that, maybe he heard something and turned around because he didn't look at her. I'll take him at his word. He then brought up, on his own "the woman with the stroller was more of a threat, not then this chick in CVS" so I tried to ask him a few questions about it, he kind of brushed me off, mentioned in the past he would definitely try to ogle her and then turned on the TV and we stopped talking, I took that as a signal that he didn't want to talk about her, which I found weird... but maybe he did slip or she will more of a threat then I originally presumed? who the fuck knows anymore. I'm just tired of all of this shit at this point, I told him earlier, is this really the kind of life worth living? he thinks yes because of the communication... but I told him, well best friends communicate too... attraction is a whole different ball game. I just don't think it's there on his end, not anymore - if it ever was.

Then my mom came over, that was another mess. I was in the middle of helping with my daughter's Pre-K project, so now someone had to go entertain her because it's rude not to (I've heard lectures about it before). So I asked Wade to do it, so what does he start with? his opening line "So, why'd you come over?" OMFG I almost fell off my chair in the other room, like who the fuck says something like that? I heard my mom respond with "I came to see the grandkids"............................... but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That was obnoxious and rude as fuck, it's bad enough that he has already said other stupid shit where they've felt unwanted, and I've had to hear about it, now this? like I don't have enough shit to deal with, come on man, like seriously. Then my dad came in, I started my journal late, I am in a fucking shitty ass mood, he wanted to have a movie night, I am not really in the mood for anything at this point.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Handle the day the best that I could.

#Self-Care
15 Bad Habits That Age You Faster Without You Noticing It
1. Indulging on sweets too often
2. Skimping on sleep
3. The way you sleep
4. Crash dieting
5. Exercising to lose weight
6. Not taking time for yourself
7. Drinking from bottles or straws
8. Holding onto grudges
9. Not using sunscreen every day
10. Sweating small stuff
11. Rubbing your eyes
12. Working too much
13. Central air and heating
14. Alcohol for stress relief
15. Smoking


#Healing
Jason Silva on Overcoming Anxiety and Finding Flow


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 246:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we watched a quick episode of Impractical Jokers, we didn't have time to watch a movie, but as I stated in my last entry, I didn't feel like having a movie night anyway. Then we talked, he started by going through the years and apologizing for all the pain I've endured on his account and how he is remorseful about all of it now that he realizes the magnitude of the damage his PA has done to me and our marriage. Then, I told him about my trigger and issues from earlier in the day, we discussed all that, ended up talking past the bedtime we wanted to have lol and then finally went to "sleep". Well, he went to sleep, my right leg was acting up, I was up for an extra 2.5 hrs until I was able to fall asleep.

This morning we walked and had a great conversation again, I mean the topic wasn't "pleasant" per say, but it is all stuff that needs to be discussed and dealt with. We are just both happy that we are at a place where we can talk it out, without fighting, but calming rationalizing and trying to make sense of things. He thinks I am opening up more again, being more vulnerable, maybe I am, I don't plan these things, they just happen. All I know is I have to speak my truth because time is ticking and there isn't enough of it to spend on playing games.

Then we went to the mall because we had to exchange some items for our daughter. I bought myself some new walking sneakers, because the ones I had, somehow I developed a hole in them at the ball of the foot (inside), this is the first time this has ever happened to me - serves me right I guess, for buying cheap sneakers at PayLess to save some money lol. This time I researched and bought good sneakers for walking, recommended for people who walk a lot as I have been in the last year. It was supposed to be a quick pit stop but turned into a half day event, as we just roamed around, talked and had lunch. It was pleasant, we talked quite a bit during lunch about our sore topic and I think he understands my perspective a bit better now, not saying he enjoys hearing it, but he gets it better. Then I read him two passages from a book I've been reading, that have peaked my interest:

"Habit Stacking" by S.J. Scott:
One about routines: Habit Stacking: A Quick Definition As you’ve probably experienced, it’s not easy to build new habits. You already have many tasks in your life, with an ever-increasing list of obligations. So it might seem impossible to add something new to your daily routine. It’s my contention that not only do you have enough time to build a single new habit, but it’s possible to add dozens of habits to your busy day without it negatively impacting your life. All you need to do is: Identify those small important actions (like writing a loving message to the important people in your life). Group them together into a routine with equally important actions. Schedule a specific time each day to complete this routine. Use a trigger as a reminder to complete this stack. Make it super easy to get started. In essence, the goal here is to complete the habits that you know are important by stacking them on top of one another. Habit. Stacking.

Another about his almost ended relationship: It’s Not Me, It’s You One day, we sat down and had an honest talk. I loved her and truly didn’t want the relationship to end. But we also realized that our interactions were far from perfect. During this conversation, my future wife told me something that I think was very profound. She said, “Steve, it’s not the time apart that’s the issue. It’s the feeling that you don’t even think about me when I’m not around.” Ouch. Trust me, it was extremely hard to hear that bit of feedback. But it was also a light-bulb moment. It made me realize how little effort I was putting into nurturing our relationship during the workweek. Sure, there was an occasional phone call, but there were many days when we didn’t talk to each other. She went on to say something else that was equally profound: “Sometimes, all I need from you is a simple text message or phone call. It doesn’t have to be long, just something that lets me know you love me and that you’re thinking of me.” This statement made me realize that sometimes it’s the smallest of actions that can have the biggest impact on someone’s life. After truly hearing what my girlfriend was saying, I made the internal commitment to send her a nice text and phone call every day without fail. See the simplicity here? To improve my relationship, all I had to do was build two habits that took a whopping total of fifteen minutes each day: Send one loving text message first thing in the morning. Make time for a ten-minute phone call in the evening. It’s such an easy solution that can be broken down into a simple mathematical formula (if you’re a geek like me): 1 loving text message + 1 daily phone call = happy girlfriend.

Then we talked about how those little gestures make a world of difference, how he himself genuinely felt it (the internal smile and joy) not just empathized with it when I tagged him again after years of not doing so. Then we got a bit deeper and I told him I was legitimately fearful of him go back to his old ways, he says he is doing everything in his power to change and I do see he is really putting the work in and I think he is actually enjoying the person he is becoming, compared to who he was... but I fear his ... "other brain" will eventually take over at any point as he either gets bored of me or his attraction to "them" overpowers his control and bam, I'm screwed again.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I'm excited about my Con and Halloween costumes!

#Self-Care
Manual Lymphatic Drainage Techniques for Sinus and Ear Infections, Cold & Flu Season and Allergies


#Addiction
Steve Gill: Addiction – don’t let the bear catch you


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156460732264523

 

DAY 247:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we had the movie night he wanted for a while now, we drank wine and watched "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World". Afterward, we had some fun, then called it a night

This morning we walked and had another great conversation as we listened to a few podcasts by BAE, "The Betrayed Needs Support Too" and "Denial Part I". Even though we watched the denial segment on YouTube, it was still good to hear it again, as a refresher now that we are further into this recovery experience. We went through the various types of denials Brandon mentioned and how Wade used all of them throughout the years, then he asked me if I found myself using denial often and I did. I told him for the whole beginning part of our marriage, when I just began feeling that something was 'off', or that this 'marriage thing wasn't what I thought it was supposed to feel like for me' - I would use denial to justify this, by saying "maybe it's just me, maybe I expect too much from this marriage thing, perhaps I watched too many romantic comedies and that filled my head up with something that just doesn't exist in reality" or "well, even if I'm not too happy, I GUESS it is still not as bad as my friends have it in their relationships, where they are verbally fighting all the time, being cheated on all the time, always full of drama etc" then telling myself "all marriages must eventually end up this way, it's not like we're boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, what did I expect, the dating experience to last forever?". Then after a while, the more depressed and jaded I got... that denial turned into self-justification because I knew this is not what I wanted in a relationship, because I was miserable in my marriage but I also felt trapped, so I had to justify my reason for staying, to myself, things like - I didn't want to leave my kids in a broken home, leaving just because my needs as a 'woman' weren't being met, I wasn't happy... was a selfish thing to do, because I have kids to think about now. Then what would everyone else think??? my family? his? our friends and those who were under the impression that we're a perfect family, now all of a sudden a divorce? and why? because I'm not happy? that's not a good reason! he's a provider! he works hard! takes care of the family! what else do I need after all? (which is exactly what he would tell me every, single time when I would dare to complain to him that I felt like there was no romance in our relationship). So pretty much, yes throughout our entire marriage, I was either in denial in some way or another, until something finally just clicked and I just felt like the time for me to think about ME has come, which was even before the 2nd big d-day. Then somehow we began talking about how I have to fight myself, on many fronts when I notice that he gets complacent in his recovery when the balance is off. I have to fight my own demons, my second nature of bottling up, getting pissed off and making him trying to figure out what I'm mad about. On the one hand, I need to let it out because that's what my self-care journey has taught me is necessary for my well being and sanity, I can not resort to being my old self again, to repeating those old patterns once more. Then, on the other hand, I promised him that I would support him in this recovery and in essence if I do not call him out, let him know when I notice him slipping off balance - so he could change things up, then it is no different then me knowingly sabotaging his recovery. It would be as if I would be purposely leaving him breadcrumbs that lead him right back to his comfortable, lazy, complacent environment where he is less mindful, more unaware and more susceptible to relapsing. Worst of all the reason would be strictly selfish because it would only be to done just so I could say, I was right, that he can't or doesn't want to change. Well, I care too much about him, his recovery and I don't want to see him fail. I see how much work he is putting in, which is why this ongoing battling is difficult, I would prefer to get to a point where I don't need to remind him that he is slacking off, because he is handling his shit without a hitch, but I get that this is new to him as it is to me and addiction is not easy and he cannot do it alone, so I do not intend of leaving him hanging, no matter what triggers I am under, how mad I get or whatever.

Then we ran an errand at Costco, he really wanted to go to the movies but we had so much shit we had to get done today and his persistence to go to the movies did irritate me, but whatever we went anyway. The movie was actually pretty good, I enjoyed it and I think he did too. We got home and everything that had to be done, was actually done, surprisingly, I was shocked lol.

OMG my back and legs are killing me too, who knows why lol and tomorrow is going to be a really long day, but exciting, although I'm so afraid I may get triggered to oblivion, I hope I don't freak myself out prematurely lol I may take some xan with me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was at peace today!

#Self-Care
Jennice Vilhauer: Why you don't get what you want; it's not what you expect


#Addiction
Cortney Warren: Honest liars -- the psychology of self-deception


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!

 

DAY 248:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we talked about how awesome it was ... being able to have this ease, when talking about uncomfortable topics these days - making our morning walk and talks so great these last few days, we just feel more accomplished. He also went over everything he discussed with JK on the phone on the 45-minute phone call he finally got. It was interesting information, a lot of it was stuff we discovered already though, can't say it was anything groundbreaking. Then I told him I was feeling really anxious about the next morning, as we were scheduled to attend Comic-Con... a lot of people, women... sexy outfits... ugh................. he told me he was getting nervous too, then we mediated and went to sleep.

Comic-Con came, then went... and surprisingly we both had a good time even with slips and triggers along the way. This was a challenge for me on multiple levels, one in regards to his ogling and threats/triggers - plus, I decided to put my self-esteem/confidence to a test by dressing up a lil'sexy, something I haven't had the guts to do, in over 12 years. I have had so much struggle with body shame, low confidence, low self-esteem especially when it comes to wearing anything even remotely revealing/attention-getting because I feared what other people would be/could be thinking about me, will they be judging me, would they think I was disgusting or other horrible things -- most of those thoughts were ones that I was already projecting onto myself for years, because it was what I had been assuming Wade thought each and every time he looked at me, hence why I figured he spent so much time ogling other women. Anyway, overall he told me honestly that he did notice some threats here and there, but he kept his eyes are shoulder level. Because it was so packed, sometimes he did slip (eyes to ass) because he was looking down to see where he was going and his eyes just went there, but there weren't any trigger type slips, where he slipped and looked because he really wanted to look but couldn't control his urge. I wore a black corset, with a red cape, I was my own made up superheroine. At first, I was so anxious because of the crazy number of men (AND women!!!) ogling, glancing and staring at me... specifically at my boulder-sized boobs which I kinda expected but still, it was very uncomfortable in my own skin, I kept thinking to myself, why the hell did I do this, I should have just worn a Marvel comics t-shirt and called it a day. I wanted to cosplay for years, I just never had the self-confidence to pull it off, I thought maybe this year with all the changes I've been making it would be the year I could finally try. I saw many other women, who were falling out of their outfits, walking around with their heads high and sometimes I wish I had their confidence, I use to before this relationship but not anymore. I will say, as the day progress, I did feel less and less inclined to keep trying to hold my cape together (to cover my boobs) and just let myself 'be free' and at some point, I just stopped thinking about what everyone else might be thinking, dunno what it was that clicked for that to happen, but it was so freeing. I can't say I'll be 100% confident cosplaying next year or that I won't start with negative thoughts again, but I think it might be easier now. Another thing that I enjoyed was, Wade, pulled me aside a few times throughout the day just to give me a tight hug, kiss, he held my hand a lot and this was the first Comic-Con we've been to in years where I actually felt like we were there as a real couple, not just as 'friends' who like geeky stuff. On the way back home, both of us reflected on the day and agreed it was not as bad as we had thought it would be, going in. We did admit there were a few triggers/slips but nothing extreme, we were honest about it to each other, we handled ourselves and managed it - we were able to actually enjoy the day and each other.

This evening, after Wade, went to sleep because he has to work tonight helped my little one with her HW, then, I read a little more of "Habit Stacking" by S.J. Scott: and he spoke about 3 different types of habits, 1. Keystone Habits 2. Support Habits 3. Elephant Habits. I wasn't able to finish the entire chapter, but I did get through "keystone habits" which are primary/major habits (most time consuming) and the essence of a keystone habit—it’s a single change that produces a positive trickle-down effect in other areas of your life. One of the examples he lists of a keystone habit is exercise and when I read that, I was like "hey! I do that now!" LOL, he wrote, "exercise is a keystone habit that triggers widespread change.” And I have found that since starting this recovery/healing journey with Wade, this Keystone habit [exercise] did trigger a trickle-down effect, for me at least, because of it [walking] I have a morning routine full of productive/healthy supporting habits in conjunction with it. He mentions many examples of great keystone habits like meditating, tracking expenditures, planning your day, and scheduling regular meals with your family. All of which I've been doing or trying to do! Hooray for this self-care journey! lol

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I actually wore a corset, in public, yowza!

#Self-Care
Habit stacking vs Goal Setting


Tony Robbins HOW TO BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 249:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he slept until he had to rush out to work, so we couldn't talk.

This morning he told me that his night at work was pretty much uneventful, other than one incident where he had said that he had to be mindful of a situation and recognize his environment. Because of this mindfulness, he ended up taking himself out of it [the situation/enviornment] in order to avoid the temptation to have a slip. He stopped by a cigar shop and there was an employee at the register who was a threat, his usual 'prime' someone he would have rubbernecked a few months ago for sure. His coworker was the one who was buying cigars, so really he didn't need to be in there, he said in the past it would have been the perfect excuse to stay, but this time, he just left, in order to avoid being in there with her, so he wouldn't risk losing control and slipping (ogling her), I appreciated his honesty. He brought up reading my journal, how proud he was of me for pushing through my fears and staying in costume yesterday, especially since he knew first hand how difficult it was for me and what kind of struggle I was having. Then we discussed and reflected about Comic-Con, our thoughts and feelings about the *pre/during and post* event experience and how we liked how we handled a lot of the situations there. He feels like how we dealt with that, gives him a bit of hope at how we'll be able to handle anything that comes our way on the cruise, of course, we'll be there for a week and not just a few hours but he is still hopeful. I did tell him that ever since we began getting really honest after the renaissance festival 'eye to ass slips' and my thoughts on a slip is still a slip, and how he needs to acknowledge those too - whether he "cared about the ass he looked at or not", because to me, from where I'm standing - it's him still telling me he's "got this in control", while I'm witnessing his eyes zoning in on asses... hence still causing me great confusion, inconsistency and mistrust. Overall I think it was another productive talk. When we were getting home from our walk, I got a call from our kid's school that we need to come to get our older one, she was sick, and the battle rages on. When we go home, I found a Pumpkin Spice latte on my little table, I guess he put it there when he came upstairs it was a nice little surprise for me, I loved it.

After yesterday, my mind and body felt as if a truck hit it. I felt so tense going to Comic-Con, dressed up, so self-conscience and afraid of what others might think, that today my body is definitely responding as if I worked out for the first time yesterday, and today I began feeling sore. So, I decided to spend some extra time on self-care when I finished my client's project. I listened to a TED talk by Taryn Brumfitt about accepting your body for what it is, then she mentioned a documentary she made, I looked it up and Netflix had it. So, I watched "Embrace" (by Taryn Brumfitt) and I'm now I am ashamed for being ashamed of my body, but I can't help being ashamed of my body if that makes sense? it's dumb I know, but I can't just snap away this mindset, I can't control what I see in the mirror or how my mind/body react. I still see myself, how I feel... I still see myself, how I believe Wade sees me when he looks at me... I still see myself how I think Wade looks at me, after looking at one of his primes and I can not seem to get that out of my head. I am trying to change it, through my self-care work, I reallllllyyyyyy am. This documentary really put things into a different perspective for me though, but I don't think my mind is there just yet, I hope it gets there soon though because I sure as hell would like it to be.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I finally caught up with all my Pen-Pals!

#Self-Care
Stop hating your body; start living your life | Taryn Brumfitt


6 Money Traps to Avoid in Your 30s | Phil Town


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying...